Wedding Party

Complaining Bridesmaids

So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it (little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it). So of course its already starting to be about them and not me. Now I'm not one of those brides who has to be everything is about me, blah blah blah, but its really starting to stress me out that they can't just look past themselves for a few months decide that they aren't going to complain about it. Looking back I know I should have been more clear about what being a bridesmaid might entail, and ask them if that was a responsibility they were ready to take on, nd if not, allow them to politely decline and I would find someone else, no hard feelings. But now it is 5 weeks til the wedding and they are still complaining and its too late to find replacements (dresses are already ordered). So I guess me question is, how do I approach this situation? Do I sit down and talk with them about it and let them know how I feel or just hope they will grow up between now and then? The hardest part is that these bridesmaids are my sister and one of my best friends from childhood, and its breaking my heart that they are acting like this.

Re: Complaining Bridesmaids

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e6220002-16a0-4c08-beb2-d1cdf80dced5">Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it (little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it). So of course its already starting to be about them and not me. Now I'm not one of those brides who has to be everything is about me, blah blah blah, but its really starting to stress me out that they can't just look past themselves for a few months decide that they aren't going to complain about it. Looking back I know I should have been more clear about what being a bridesmaid might entail, and ask them if that was a responsibility they were ready to take on, nd if not, allow them to politely decline and I would find someone else, no hard feelings. But now it is 5 weeks til the wedding and they are still complaining and its too late to find replacements (dresses are already ordered). So I guess me question is, how do I approach this situation? Do I sit down and talk with them about it and let them know how I feel or just hope they will grow up between now and then? The hardest part is that these bridesmaids are my sister and one of my best friends from childhood, and its breaking my heart that they are acting like this.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    With five weeks to go, there isn't much you can do.  However, you should have asked each girl privately for her budget, to make sure that this was something she could afford.  Also, you shouldn't have "replaced" your friends even if they couldn't have afforded it.

    At this point, the best thing you can do is sit each girl down individually and say "I hear that you are uncomfortable with the amount of money that you are spending on my wedding.  Is there anything I can do to help?"  What else are you requiring them to pay for other than the dress?  I hope you are aware that really, only the dress, their transportation, and accomodations are "requirements" for being a bridesmaid.  Things like shoes, jewelry, hair and makeup, etc. should be optional.  If you are requiring them to have their hair and makeup done, please don't.  That's a cost that can be alleviated, and should be.

    Remember: these are your nearest and dearest friends, and would you really want a close friend to go into debt for one day of your life?

    Good luck.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e6220002-16a0-4c08-beb2-d1cdf80dced5">Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it (little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it). So of course its already starting to be about them and not me. Now I'm not one of those brides who has to be everything is about me, blah blah blah, but its really starting to stress me out that they can't just look past themselves for a few months decide that they aren't going to complain about it. Looking back I know I should have been more clear about what being a bridesmaid might entail, and ask them if that was a responsibility they were ready to take on, nd if not, allow them to politely decline and I would find someone else, no hard feelings. But now it is 5 weeks til the wedding and they are still complaining and its too late to find replacements (dresses are already ordered). So I guess me question is, how do I approach this situation? Do I sit down and talk with them about it and let them know how I feel or just hope they will grow up between now and then? The hardest part is that these bridesmaids are my sister and one of my best friends from childhood, and its breaking my heart that they are acting like this.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]
    What all are you making them pay for?  All they should <em>have </em>to buy is their dresses.  What all are you requiring them to do?  Again, all they <em>have </em>to do is show up on the right day.  Planning for/paying for anything else should be optional on their part.

    Did you ask their budgets before you picked dresses?

    I don't really think it's fair for you to compare how much time and money you're sinking into the wedding to how much time and money they're sinking into the wedding.  It's YOUR wedding, of course you're supposed to pay for everything and take time to plan everything.

    So, to answer your question, no, I don't think you should have a sit down talk with them, because they don't seem to be doing anything wrong.  If talking to them stresses you out, don't talk about the wedding with them. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e6220002-16a0-4c08-beb2-d1cdf80dced5">Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it <strong>(little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it).</strong> So of course its already starting to be about them and not me. Now I'm not one of those brides who has to be everything is about me, blah blah blah, but its really starting to stress me out that they can't just look past themselves for a few months decide that they aren't going to complain about it. <strong>Looking back I know I should have been more clear about what being a bridesmaid might entail, and ask them if that was a responsibility they were ready to take on, nd if not, allow them to politely decline and I would find someone else, no hard feelings.</strong> But now it is 5 weeks til the wedding and they are still complaining and its too late to find replacements (dresses are already ordered). So I guess me question is, how do I approach this situation? Do I sit down and talk with them about it and let them know how I feel or just hope they will grow up between now and then? The hardest part is that these bridesmaids are my sister and one of my best friends from childhood, and its breaking my heart that they are acting like this.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>First bolded part: this is your wedding.  It's your responsibility to put time and effort and money into it.  Your friends are doing you a major favor by spending any amount of money on you (besides buying the dresses).  It's YOUR job, not THEIRS.</div><div>
    </div><div>Second bolded part: problem.  Yes, you should have laid out what was expected when you asked the girls.  I'm not talking copy and pasting the knot's list of bridesmaid expectations.  I'm talking "this is when the wedding/ rehearsal will be, this is the $$ range I'm looking at for BM dresses.  Is this okay?"  If you threw a lot of unusual costs at them, or were really exacting about expectations for bridal showers or the bachelorette party, then I can absolutely see where they're coming from.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:ab08ea39-f7c4-417e-88e9-7ebdb7e1e3c2">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Complaining Bridesmaids : First bolded part: this is your wedding.  It's your responsibility to put time and effort and money into it.  Your friends are doing you a major favor by spending any amount of money on you (besides buying the dresses).  It's YOUR job, not THEIRS. Second bolded part: problem.  Yes, you should have laid out what was expected when you asked the girls.  I'm not talking copy and pasting the knot's list of bridesmaid expectations.  I'm talking "this is when the wedding/ rehearsal will be<strong>, this is the $$ range I'm looking at for BM dresses</strong>.  Is this okay?"  If you threw a lot of unusual costs at them, or were really exacting about expectations for bridal showers or the bachelorette party, then I can absolutely see where they're coming from.  
    Posted by ckollstedt[/QUOTE]
    No.  You ask your BMs, privately, what they are comfortable spending.  You don't start out by throwing prices out.
  • I appreciate the advice, really. And I understand that it is my wedding and of course should be paying for it and putting time it to it, and I have. But I guess one thing I didn't say is that at most, I am asking them to buy a dress and alterations only if needed (and these dresses were less than $150). Everything else is optional. I'm not requiring them to get hair or makeup done, I'm giving them their jewelry and manicures for a present, they can really wear whatever shoes they want, I'm not requiring that they throw me a shower or even a bachelorette party although I mentioned it could be fun, I even told them if it was such a finacial stress, they didn't have to buy me and my fiance a gift. I wish I could offer to pay for some things, but I'm a teacher and its not really in my budget at all. They are making me feel like this totally demanding bride, when I really am not trying to be...and other comments or suggestions based on this info.?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e6220002-16a0-4c08-beb2-d1cdf80dced5">Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it <strong>(little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it).</strong> So of course its already starting to be about them and not me. Now I'm not one of those brides who has to be everything is about me, blah blah blah, but its really starting to stress me out that they can't just look past themselves for a few months decide that they aren't going to complain about it. Looking back I know I should have been more clear about what being a bridesmaid might entail, and ask them if that was a responsibility they were ready to take on, nd if not, allow them to politely decline and I would find someone else, no hard feelings. But now it is 5 weeks til the wedding and they are still complaining and its too late to find replacements (dresses are already ordered). So I guess me question is, how do I approach this situation? Do I sit down and talk with them about it and let them know how I feel or just hope they will grow up between now and then? The hardest part is that these bridesmaids are my sister and one of my best friends from childhood, and its breaking my heart that they are acting like this.\


    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    This part made me laugh.  Hard.  It's your wedding - of course you're going to spend a lot.  There's no reason you should be expecting them to spend a lot.

    Ask them, one on one, what they can afford to spend on the wedding.  Ask what they'd be comfortable spending on a dress, allow them to make their own accommodations and realize that they don't owe you a shower or bachelorette party.  If they can afford to it, great, but these parties aren't requirements. 
  • And to follow up - on your more recent post (sorry, didn't see the first time around) if they make you feel like you're being demanding then odds are you are.  You can be demanding in other ways besides demanding they spend a million dollars on your wedding.  My guess would be that you talk about wedding things too much, or that you ask for help too much with wedding-related tasks. 
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e6220002-16a0-4c08-beb2-d1cdf80dced5">Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my dilemma is that a couple of my bridesmaids, including my sister, have been complaining about how much my wedding is going to cost them and how much they feel like they have to do for it (<strong>little do they consider how much I'm spending and how much time I'm putting into it</strong>).

    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    How is it their problem that <strong>you</strong> chose to spend a certain amount on <strong>your </strong>wedding?
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  • Hmmm....wish I could get some constructive feedback rather than strangers as well as my friends telling me I'm being a demanding bridezilla. Like I said, all I'm really only requiring them to pay for the dresses (isn't this standard?) I did mention it to my sister, and she even admitted that part of her bad attitude is because she is bitter that she is still single and I'm getting married. I don't rub it in her face, but she told me she is insecure that she doesn't have a date to my wedding, and then that case I know I should be sensitive about how much I talk about it. But is this a legitimate reason for her to cause me stress by complaning about my wanting to have a nice (yet not over-the-top) wedding? Oh and by the way, don't you guys know the cliche saying about if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all? Well, there is a reason people use it so much. Anyway, thanks for anyone who is willing to give me some positive advice.
  • Don't stress about it!

    You have chosen your friends right? Other than this little bit of time now where they might be upset about the price of the dress and such, they will still be your friend. 5/10/15 years from now, when they still are your friend, neither one of you will remember that they complained about the price of your wedding.

    Its natural to be upset and feel overly stressed about your wedding. Its also the same for your bridesmaids, its natural for them to be stressed and worry about money. We're female... its what we do :)

    Maybe you need to have a "girls day out" with your bridesmaids, do something fun, that doesn't cost much, like go to the mall, try on strange outfits and take pictures or something. Have a "wedding free" day, indirectly this will remind all of you how good of friends you are and it should help relieve the stress on everyone. This will make your friendship stronger, and very well could eliminate the tension between everyone.

    Just don't worry about it, take a deep breathe, smile and keep going :)
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  • Ok, I don't know everything about you and all the details, but if your friends and strangers are telling you you are being a demanding bridezilla, then chances are they might be right....I'm sorry, but you said it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:70781003-d908-4180-a69c-5a394d7b3726">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm....wish I could get some constructive feedback rather than <strong>strangers as well as my friends telling me I'm being a demanding bridezilla. </strong>Like I said, all I'm really only requiring them to pay for the dresses (isn't this standard?) I did mention it to my sister, and she even admitted that part of her bad attitude is because she is bitter that she is still single and I'm getting married. I don't rub it in her face, but she told me she is insecure that she doesn't have a date to my wedding, and then that case I know I should be sensitive about how much I talk about it. But is this a legitimate reason for her to cause me stress by complaning about my wanting to have a nice (yet not over-the-top) wedding? Oh and by the way, don't you guys know the cliche saying about if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all? Well, there is a reason people use it so much. Anyway, thanks for anyone who is willing to give me some positive advice.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    There must be more to the story if they're complaining so much and their only expense is a dress.  Is it possible they're being treated poorly?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:c721ee3a-9c7b-4c02-9b75-8430525aa743">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I appreciate the advice, really. And I understand that it is my wedding and of course should be paying for it and putting time it to it, and I have. But I guess one thing I didn't say is that at most, I am asking them to buy a dress and alterations only if needed (and these dresses were less than $150). Everything else is optional. I'm not requiring them to get hair or makeup done, I'm giving them their jewelry and manicures for a present, they can really wear whatever shoes they want, I'm not requiring that they throw me a shower or even a bachelorette party although I mentioned it could be fun, I even told them if it was such a finacial stress, they didn't have to buy me and my fiance a gift. I wish I could offer to pay for some things, but I'm a teacher and its not really in my budget at all. They are making me feel like this totally demanding bride, when I really am not trying to be...and other comments or suggestions based on this info.?
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:b5c40ade-7f22-44e0-bc28-5f61475b8461">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Complaining Bridesmaids : There must be more to the story if they're complaining so much and their only expense is a dress.  Is it possible they're being treated poorly?
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    That's what I was thinking.  I'm sorry but first you said that they had certain responsibilities and requirements and you should have asked them if they were up to it.  If their only responsibility was buying the dress, why would you even mention that?  What have they been saying?

    As for your little tirade of if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, no one here said anything even close to mean.  Everyone gave you advice, just maybe it wasn't what you wanted to hear. It was you who commented on: Well I'm paying so much for my wedding, why the hell are they complaining....dude it's YOUR wedding.  Are you seriously expecting them to empathize with you for how much YOU decided to spend?  Sorry but no.  Your budget is yours and yours alone.  YOU decide how much you want to spend.

    Here's my advice, stop dwelling, move on and just have fun on your wedding day.
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  • It IS being a bridezilla to choose a dress and a price for it without consulting your girls.  Sorry.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it's the truth. 

    There was a time in my life, a few years ago, when I was in grad school and working for minimum wage, that a $150 dress would have made a HUGE difference in whether or not I could even feed myself for the month.  And please don't say "I know their financial situations, they can afford it."  Chances are, you don't.  None of my friends -- NONE of them -- knew what my financial position was a few years ago.  I didn't tell anyone.  If you picked a dress and a price without checking with your girls, they have every right to complain about it.
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I don't understand how people telling you how to actually fix the problem is "negative," but "take a deep breath[e] and smile" is what you consider to be "constructive feedback."
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  • It sounds to me that you may need to grow up. A bridesmaid is only required to buy the dress and show up and you should have maid sure that the dress was in their budget. This isn't for them so it doesnt matter what you are putting into it. Talking about finding replacements is pretty bad as they are supposed to be you dearest friends people you want to honor. I picked a dress that I really wanted but any of my friends that couldnt afford it I was willing to pick up the tab because its what I wanted since I picked it out
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  • Well actually, she did give some very positive suggestions without being rude.
  • I guess I should have just let them each choose whatever dress they wanted, probably from thrift stores. Yeah, they actually wanted to do this. So, my bad. And no, I don't know their exact income or what exactly they can and can't afford, but I do have an indication of what they are spending money on, and of course that is their choice, but for them to say they can't afford one dress, but can afford other things..anyway. I'm pretty much done with this post so that you for the one or two people who actually were helpful.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:1cbde15f-9c02-4c77-8334-bbcb0f861f25">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I should have just let them each choose whatever dress they wanted, probably from thrift stores. Yeah, they actually wanted to do this. So, my bad. And no, I don't know their exact income or what exactly they can and can't afford, but I do have an indication of what they are spending money on, and of course that is their choice, but for them to say they can't afford one dress, but can afford other things..anyway. I'm pretty much done with this post so that you for the one or two people who actually were helpful.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I sent you a private message!</div>
  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:70781003-d908-4180-a69c-5a394d7b3726">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm....<strong>wish I could get some constructive feedback rather than strangers as well as my friends telling me I'm being a demanding bridezilla</strong>. Like I said, all I'm really only requiring them to pay for the dresses (isn't this standard?) I did mention it to my sister, and she even admitted that part of her bad attitude is because she is bitter that she is still single and I'm getting married. I don't rub it in her face, but she told me she is insecure that she doesn't have a date to my wedding, and then that case I know I should be sensitive about how much I talk about it. But is this a legitimate reason for her to cause me stress by complaning about my wanting to have a nice (yet not over-the-top) wedding? <strong>Oh and by the way, don't you guys know the cliche saying about if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all?</strong> Well, there is a reason people use it so much. Anyway, thanks for anyone who is willing to give me some positive advice.
    Posted by muse902[/QUOTE]

    Then if everyone is telling you this, maybe you should listen.  Instead of getting defensive, ask yourself:  "am I being over the top?  am I being a BZ?"  The Magic 8 ball says "probably so"

    Understand this....YOU came asking for OUR advice.  Not a single poster said anything that wasn't "nice" as you claim.  You were given very good advice and it's up to YOU on how you take it and if YOU choose to listen.

    PP"s have some really great advice...

    What would have preferred for us to say?  I am not being a smartass here.  I am genuinely interested in what you really wanted to hear from us??

     

  • I just love it when I ask legitimate questions in order to give better advice and OP just decides to run off and say well you girls are mean I'm leaving.  Puh-leaze.

    OP you have no reason to be concerned about how they are spending their money and on what.  I asked you what it was they were complaining about and you just ignore the question.  As of now, it seems the only person complaining is yourself and it's because maybe you're not getting the attention you want from your BMs. 

    I stick by the advice I previously gave you, stop dwelling on it, move on, get over yourself and have fun at the wedding.
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  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_complaining-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:780e19fb-1086-43e3-aff2-f1605959a410Post:e0fe8156-950f-4048-8404-bd4df333757f">Re: Complaining Bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just love it when I ask legitimate questions in order to give better advice and OP just decides to run off and say well you girls are mean I'm leaving.  Puh-leaze. OP you have no reason to be concerned about how they are spending their money and on what.  I asked you what it was they were complaining about and you just ignore the question.  As of now, it seems the only person complaining is yourself and it's because maybe you're not getting the attention you want from your BMs.  I stick by the advice I previously gave you, stop dwelling on it, move on, get over yourself and have fun at the wedding.
    Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

    You big meanie pants you....lol ;)

     

  • Regardless of whatever etiquette faux pas you may or may not have made by not consulting the bridesmaids about their budgets, I voted that you should not sit down and talk with them about it just because if the conversation got heated, one of them  (or both) could back out of your wedding party which would be extremely stressful. Also, adding any more strain or tension just wouldn't be advised for this time in your life.

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