Guest List freak out! - Parents want big wedding, we want small!

e1baker1 · July 2010

My fiance and I want a small wedding of less than 80 people. This is most of the immidiate family and our friends. My parents are putting up about $7500 for the wedding (this is the whole budget) and now they want to invite all their friends, most of whom I have never met, ends up being like 150. I feel like if I have a larger wedding it won't be personal and special - it will be more like a dog and poney show....which is totally not our style. Plus, with this budget, the more people we have, the less nice it will be (cheaper food, etc). I'd rather it be smaller with good food and music...

How can it work so my parents still pay, but things don't get out of control? Help!

future-mrs · July 2010

If they are paying, they get to invite whomever they would like too. If you want your own amount of people, etc. You'll have to come up with the money to foot the bill.

brilibby4 · July 2010

Plain and simple, pay for your own wedding.

kirstenr · July 2010

Unfortunately for you, PPs have it right. That's the right your parents get by footing 100% of the bill for hosting the party. You have a couple of options:

1) Have a talk with them; tell them your feelings and reasoning as to why you want a small wedding. If they hear all of the emotion and logic you and your FI have behind not inviting lots of people, maybe they'll back down. If not...

2) You and your FI need to talk to each other and see if there's a way you can float this thing on your own. There's lots of ways to have a wedding on a budget and still be classy, and if you're going to have to put up with fights with your parents the whole way through, it might be the least painful option to spend your own money.

So, good luck. I feel your pain. FI and I decided to pay for about half of the wedding, so we have a little more pull, and it's still a pain getting my mom to see things my way.

Jelenny · July 2010

all the other girls said it

i was in your shoes...

we are splitting the wedding 1/3 - between the fi and i, his parents, and my parents...

he is an only child and his parents didn't want to come off as pushy, but they told us again last weekend they don't want us paying out of pocket for the wedding they will cover....so yeah....our small wedding has a guest list of 287....so we are having a large wedding

could be worse i suppose

tpender13 · July 2010

I would lay it out for your parents just like you laid it out for us, and if they don't agree, you have to either give in or pay for it on your own. Maybe they'll agree to give you just some money as your wedding gift and let you do what you want with it.

FI and I want to keep it small too, but we are planning on paying for it ourselves, and if anyone wants to contribute, it will be a bonus.

SarahSmile23 · July 2010

I would rather have an intimate wedding than have my parents pay for part of the wedding, personally. i would tell them that we will pay and plan for everything ourselves and would graciously thank them for their offer.

honestly, with that big of a jump in the guest list size, a huge chunk of their money is going to pay for food, drinks, linens, etc, for those extra people!

jemmini6 · July 2010

i guess i'm the odd one out here...i see the point tho. if they are paying they should have some say, etc. but i actually thinks it's selfish of them to want to invite all of THEIR friends, who you don't even know, just because they are paying for it, even though it goes against your wishes. it kind of makes their gift seem less generous if their money goes to covering their guests only. it is, afterall, YOUR wedding. if they want a party of all of their friends, maybe they shouldn't have offered any money for your wedding and just had their own party. it's like giving someone $100 for their birthday, but because you gave them $100, you should get to decide who comes to their party?? i know that sounds harsh, but that's just my opinion of it.

i would say first, talk to your parents and explain your wishes. they might surprise you and agree, or at least compromise (maybe they only invite a few friends). if they won't budge, then unfortunetely, you either have to refuse their money, or accept their guest list. i'm in the same boat you are, parents are giving $6,000 towards my wedding, but they are basically writing me a check and aren't going to have a say in the wedding planning (that is their decision, not mine)

hopefully it will work out for you!! either way, just remember that it's not really about the wedding, it's about the marriage.

chantelcutie7 · July 2010

My fiance and I were in a similar position, until we sat down with his parents (who are generously funding 50% of the wedding, although they'd pay 100% if we let them).

We explained how important it was for us to have our 50 to 60 guests and no more than that. We wanted to celebrate our marriage with family and friends that are closest to us.

They've agreed and actually stick up for us when some extended family wanted to know why the third cousins from across the country aren't going to be invited.

Lazyzoey · July 2010

I think your parents are very traditional people, they wish their freinds know you are getting married, very pround, some older people take this serious, and they pay for this...

Maybe you could try to talk with them, tell them your thought, they may understand and agree with you. :-)

Lazyzoey · July 2010

PS. you are paretns are very nice to you :-)

oceana919 · July 2010

My parents are graciously contributing to our wedding - therefore, our desired wedding of approx. 30 ppl got bumped up to close to 100. When they're contributing money, they have a say, simple as that.

However, I do not feel our wedding will be any less personal or any less us. We're making a point of including a lot of small, intimate touches that have meaning to us - song selections, our choice of flowers, incorporating our career path/passions into our decor. We're also making a point of spending quality time with the people that attend - we're having a gathering the night before after the rehearsal dinner to catch up with our out-of-town guests, and we're having an open picnic at the beach the day after. There are ways to accomodate a larger guest list and still have your wedding be personal and intimate-feeling.

luckyme502 · July 2010

Have you tried this little thing called communication? It works really well.

Talk to your parents about how you feel. Don't tell us, tell them!

Guest List freak out! - Parents want big wedding, we want small!

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