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This is my wedding!

I just read a thread from a few months ago where a girl asked how to go about inviting people to just the dance and not the dinner and I have to say I was surprised by how many people are against it! I am inviting a handful of guests just to the dance because there is just no way to fit them in my  "dinner" guest list(believe me I tried over and over again).
I am also so surprised by how many people are against a cash bar! We are only serving free beer and if the guests want anything else they can buy it themselves, im sorry but I can't afford to buy alcholol for 150 + people. I personally think its rude to expect an open bar.
I just have to say that while there are some traditions to follow and maybe there are some etiquette rules to follow also, this is my wedding and who is to say what is right and what is wrong? I don't want one day of celebration to put me into debt for the next five years just so I can please my guests. I say forget the rules and do you.

Re: This is my wedding!

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:b47d6e85-4fa5-4a6e-a7d6-e11ba9fe121c">This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just read a thread from a few months ago where a girl asked how to go about inviting people to just the dance and not the dinner and I have to say I was surprised by how many people are against it! I am inviting a handful of guests just to the dance because there is just no way to fit them in my  "dinner" guest list(believe me I tried over and over again).

    <strong>You didn't try hard enough. This is SO rude. You basically telling them that they are only a "B" Lister in your life. Its insulting to them. There are a lot of etiquette rules that I think can be bent without it being that big of a deal but this is just horrible and unacceptable.

    </strong>I am also so surprised by how many people are against a cash bar! We are only serving free beer and if the guests want anything else they can buy it themselves, im sorry but I can't afford to buy alcholol for 150 + people. I personally think its rude to expect an open bar.

    <strong>I don't see a problem with this, but if you were invited to a party at someone's house wouldn't you expect that they provide drinks? A wedding reception is just a big party really.</strong>

    I just have to say that while there are some traditions to follow and maybe there are some etiquette rules to follow also, this is my wedding and who is to say what is right and what is wrong? I don't want one day of celebration to put me into debt for the next five years just so I can please my guests. They should be happy that I am feeding them, providing them entertainment, and allowing them to share a very intimate day with my fiance and I. I say forget the rules and do you.

    <strong>Wow. How gracious you are to allow people to come to your wedding. Its just amazing of you really. Why worry about alienating friends over one day right? They have the privilege of being friends with you. You sound very conceited, spoiled, and bratty in this post. Even on your wedding day other people matter.</strong>
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]


  • Since when does free beer and free soda not constitude as drinks?
    Getting married is a big emotional, intimate, religious experience and I think guests should be honored to be asked to witness this type of raw emotion. I know I am when I am invited to a wedding.
     I don't go to a wedding expecting free stuff, thats the main point of my post.
     And of course I would invite all my good friends and entire family to the wedding, but there are some people who are just aquaintances from work or school and I just cant get them in the budget. I know some of you will say well you can always make room, but I honestly can't.
     And considering I am shelling out thousands of dollars for this one day completely on my own, with no help from ANYONE, then yeah, I think I can do things however they work best for me. Im just saying its my wedding not theirs.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:cf6723b4-3fe9-4d3e-a0de-a2c043b63e5a">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Since when does free beer and free soda not constitude as drinks?

    <strong>Did you read what I wrote? Because I said that offering just beer/soda was fine.</strong>

    Getting married is a big emotional, intimate, religious experience and I think guests should be honored to be asked to witness this type of raw emotion.

    <strong>The ceremony yes. The reception = party. And yes its an honor to go to a wedding, it lets a guest know that they mean something to you, but only inviting some to the dinner portion of the reception lets the others know that you don't think they are that important.</strong>

    I know I am when I am invited to a wedding.  I don't go to a wedding expecting free stuff, thats the main point of my post.  And of course I would invite all my good friends and entire family to the wedding, but there are some people who are just aquaintances from work or school and I just cant get them in the budget. I know some of you will say well you can always make room, but I honestly can't.  And considering I am shelling out thousands of dollars for this one day completely on my own, with no help from ANYONE, then yeah, I think I can do things however they work best for me. Im just saying its my wedding not theirs.

    <strong>Actually its yours and your FI's day. Its about BOTH of you, not just you. Is your FI not helping you with the cost of the wedding? Its not about guests expecting free stuff its about you and your FI being good hosts to your guests. You can do whatever you want but you still come off as bratty and very "me, me, me" The world doesn't revolve around you today or any other day and that includes your wedding day. You could cut costs somewhere so that everyone could come to dinner. You are going to insult people by doing that. If you are fine with that then do whatever you want.</strong>
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]


  • Just reading the title, I was going to say what beth said: It's about BOTH of you.

    But moving on: if someone is not close enough to you and your FI for you to pay for their dinner, don't invite them.  People understand super small, intimate weddings, but they will definitely feel slighted if they are treated like second-tier guests.  We all understand small budgets, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices if you're not willing to wait longer and save the money.  It's fine to make the choice to cut the guest list, but having a "non-dinner" guest list is rude.

    I think as long as you're hosting some beverages, it's fine.  No one wants you to go into debt for five years to pay for your wedding, but you do have to be a gracious hostess.
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  • I have mixed feelings.  As far as the ceremony goes, yeah, its about the two of you, and it should be exactly how you want it.  

    However, the reception is a big celebration, and you're asking guests to come out and celebrate your wedding. It usually involves travel, fancy clothes, and expensive gifts.  So in my mind, the reception is about making sure my guests enjoy themselves.  Because honestly, most people could take or leave going to a wedding and all the events that go with it.  I'm glad that people are taking time and money to come to my wedding, so I want to make sure they enjoy themselves.  We can't afford 100+ guests, so we are keeping our wedding to 50 of our closest friends and family.  That way, we can do everything the way we want it, and enjoy it with those closest to us.  

    Personally, if someone invites me only to the dance part of the wedding, I wouldn't bother to go.  It just seems a bit insulting, and almost like a way to get more gifts.  If you want me there, let me be there for the whole thing.  I'd far more understand if I simply couldn't be fit into the guest list.
  • Oh and FWIW, I recently received an invitation to the dancing-only part of a reception.  Not only am I not going, but I'm not sending a gift.  I found it incredibly rude.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:fc81f753-9d63-4adf-ae43-082afc34eb38">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and FWIW, I recently received an invitation to the dancing-only part of a reception.  Not only am I not going, but I'm not sending a gift.  I found it incredibly rude.
    Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, this happened to me too. I'm totally cool with not being close enough to a person to be invited to their wedding at all. But it's just annoying to tier guests like that. You don't need to invite everyone you've ever run into on the street to your wedding. People understand that. And for the people who do get all offended for not being invited - well you're not close enough to them to invite them to the wedding, so why does their opinion matter?

    You do realize this attitude just sounds like a temper tantrum? Especially with that subject title.
  • Honestly, it sounds like you can't afford your wedding with 150 guests. If you haven't sent your invitations yet, I would really consider cutting your list. You aren't doing anyone a favor by inviting them to your wedding. What bothers me about your post is not the fact that you have to cut some things, because I don't believe everyone has to follow the traditional expectations of a wedding, but your attitude. You don't sound the least bit sincere about it. It is your wedding, but you are still a hostess and you need to consider your guest's comfort. I don't believe in going into debt either but throwing a big party isn't a requirement.
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  • I completely agree that a cash bar is fine. Maybe it's about where you're from, but every wedding I've ever been to, fancy and expensive or more affordable, has had a champagne toast provided and a cash bar.  Some had free non-alcoholic drinks, and others had the cash bar for those and just provided water for the tables.  I don't see an issue with either, especially when people can choose to drink or not, and if the cash bar is per-person, they could be paying for many a non-drinker - or on the other side of it, an open bar is an invitation for people to overdrink, which can also be bad.

    As for the dancing invite, I'd only do that if my wedding was (very) local for the person/people, and I could only have an intimate/family only wedding/dinner.  But as my friends know me, and I know them, I know they wouldn't take offence and would most likely show up hapily to share some drinks with us.  Beyond the local and intimate wedding circumstances, I wouldn't invite people for just drinks and dancing.  I'd instead check on changing the menu up to make it more affordable per person to fit the additional guests, if I couldn't see cutting them out.
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  • Honestly, I agree with you it is YOUR wedding and you can run it the way you want to (just like I can run mine the way I want to....and all of PP can run theirs the way that they want to.) With that being said, I have never been invited to a wedding just to dance. I cannot honestly say how I would feel if I did. However, I do know that I would be very HUNGRY. LOL. Even if I chose to eat prior to attending, I would be hesitant to provide a gift. 

    I think you will receive a lot of posts and flacks about this because many believe it to be rude. Just put yourself in the shoes of a person who was invited to a wedding just to dance...would you come? I have heard of people inviting people to the ceremony only. however, having them come after dinner may be too much. 

    You are right. Weddings are an intimate time. it is your day (and your FI...I am sure you mentally included him.) However, it may be best to not invite those people who you are having just to dance. They may feel like you are using them for gifts. And they will leave hungry. I would. 
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  • Ok here's the thing.  Your wedding is about you and your fiance, and it's fine to be unconventional even if people scoff at it.  But you cannot hide behind the excuse of it being 'your day' when you are intentionally doing rude/insulting things to people that you are inviting to share this day with you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:36a1d7e6-94d9-4f80-b69c-0b4d71fc1212">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok here's the thing.  Your wedding is about you and your fiance, and it's fine to be unconventional even if people scoff at it.  But you cannot hide behind the excuse of it being 'your day' when you are intentionally doing rude/insulting things to people that you are inviting to share this day with you.
    Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]

    I just agree with whatever Laura says. She's spot on.

    Also, I didn't realize that good manners get to be thrown out the window just because you're getting married. Go figure, I thought we had proper etiquette and manners for a reason: it's how you're supposed to behave socially.

    It isn't about being a stick in the mud. It's about beign considerate if you're including others in "your day".
  • I'm a little confused.... I'm planning my wedding in Canada, which is going to be a small backyard affair. Then I was thinking of going back into Maine and throwing a reception in my hometown, which is three hours across the border from where the wedding is. I wasn't planning on inviting everyone to the wedding, just family and very close friends, and then extending the guest list for the reception to more friends in our hometown. Is this considered rude...?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:04300928-4963-4824-99f1-eca712d089cf">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a little confused.... I'm planning my wedding in Canada, which is going to be a small backyard affair. Then I was thinking of going back into Maine and throwing a reception in my hometown, which is three hours across the border from where the wedding is. I wasn't planning on inviting everyone to the wedding, just family and very close friends, and then extending the guest list for the reception to more friends in our hometown. Is this considered rude...?
    Posted by TheAbbyNormal[/QUOTE]

    People usually refer to this sort of thing as an 'at home reception,' and they are very common for destination weddings.  They're different than just inviting someone to certain portions of your reception, and it makes sense when the ceremony is in a location that is far from many of your friends.  I don't think it's rude at all, and it's a nice way to include people in celebrating with you who couldn't be at the actual ceremony.
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  • Wow.  Entitled much?  Inviting people just to the dance portion of your reception (and really?  Who does this?!) is incredibly rude and comes across as "you're not important enough to witness my vows, and you're not important enough for me to spend money to feed you, but I still want you to give me a gift so here, have an invitation to the end of my reception."

    Fit them into the whole reception or don't invite them at all.  Period.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:04300928-4963-4824-99f1-eca712d089cf">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a little confused.... I'm planning my wedding in Canada, which is going to be a small backyard affair. Then I was thinking of going back into Maine and throwing a reception in my hometown, which is three hours across the border from where the wedding is. I wasn't planning on inviting everyone to the wedding, just family and very close friends, and then extending the guest list for the reception to more friends in our hometown. Is this considered rude...?
    Posted by TheAbbyNormal[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Not to me! :) </div>
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  • Perhaps I should specify who is being invited to the reception only. Reception only are coworkers or friends who I am not all that close with but would be insulted if not asked to be included in the wedding day at all. There are only about 10 of us at my place of employment and anyone who wasn't invited to the wedding at all would know who was invited. I thought that would be a nice way to include them without racking up my dinner guest list. I will be serving some kind of food for them, No I wouldn't make them go hungry. and Yes it is just a big party, so then why would anyone be insulted to be invited to it? My mom is encouraging me to put more people on the reception only list( but I am very selective about this and am being very careful not to out anyone on this list who would be hurt by it). I also would not expect them to bring me a gift, that is not why I would be inviting them, and I would put that on the invitation.

    As to the title of my post, I named it that because I feel like there are so many brides that are so focused on pleasing everyone else that they kind of forget the whole meaning and point of the wedding in the first place. And of course I didn't just mean me, it is also about my fiance- I want him at the wedding shower because of that fact-because those are gifts for both of us.


  • OP, you're still missing the point.  Yes, the day you get married is a very big, special day.  But I blame shows like Four Weddings and Bridezillas for the prevalence of the phrase "It's my day" when it is used to justify just being straight up rude.

     Let me put it to you another way.  Would you invite 100 people to a reception and then only serve food to the bridal party, and close relatives while the rest of the guests watch?  Of course not.  This is the exact same thing: the people who won't get dinner are going to know it's because they were special enough for you to deign to pay for their meal. 

    P.S.  If you can't afford to invite work people, just don't. 


  • I will consider how all you feel, but everyone I have talked to about it in real life- my mom, fiance, friends, other family- no one has a problem with it. And like I said my mom is actually encouraging me to put more people on that list, and my fiance too. Apparently we do things differently where I live..........
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You do realize that we are real people right? We aren't fictional. Just because people around you think its ok to be rude doesn't make it ok. You WILL have guests that are pissed off at you, period. If you are fine with that (and I think you are because I think you only care about yourself and having a pretty pretty princess day) then do whatever you want.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:fd80b6ff-8b54-4e35-9b61-562656b95e9f">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Perhaps I should specify who is being invited to the reception only. Reception only are coworkers or friends who I am not all that close with but would be insulted if not asked to be included in the wedding day at all.</strong> There are only about 10 of us at my place of employment and anyone who wasn't invited to the wedding at all would know who was invited. I thought that would be a nice way to include them without racking up my dinner guest list. I will be serving some kind of food for them, No I wouldn't make them go hungry. and Yes it is just a big party, so then why would anyone be insulted to be invited to it? My mom is encouraging me to put more people on the reception only list( but I am very selective about this and <strong>am being very careful not to out anyone on this list who would be hurt by it</strong>).<strong> I also would not expect them to bring me a gift, that is not why I would be inviting them, and I would put that on the invitation</strong>. As to the title of my post, I named it that because I feel like there are so many brides that are so focused on pleasing everyone else that they kind of forget the whole meaning and point of the wedding in the first place. And of course I didn't just mean me, it is also about my fiance- I want him at the wedding shower because of that fact-because those are gifts for both of us.
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    Ok, I am starting to think you're actually a troll.

    But in case you're not: if you are not close with these people, they will not be insulted that they did not get included.  Sure, some people may mention an invite, it happens to all of us, but don't worry about it - don't invite them, period.

    Also, you say you're being careful not to invite someone to the dancing-only portion that would be offended, which makes it clear that you do realize it's rude.  And a bunch of people are telling you that that's the case.  

    Finally, even if you don't expect these people to bring gifts, most of them will probably feel obligated anyway.  And for crying out loud, DON'T put information about gifts (or lack thereof) on invitations.
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  • Skyler you are totally right. It is YOUR wedding!!

    And the purpose of a wedding is to get married, the reception is just the cherry on top :)

    So if you're so considered about people losing the meaning of a "wedding" and you want to remind everyone what it's REALLY about, you should just find a nice big church or court house and have a ceremony and invite everyone you know and skip the party! Because that's what a wedding is really about. Getting married.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:fd80b6ff-8b54-4e35-9b61-562656b95e9f">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE] As to the title of my post, I named it that because I feel like there are so many brides that are so focused on pleasing everyone else that<u><strong> they kind of forget the whole meaning and point of the wedding in the first place.</strong></u>
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    <strong>You are not talking about the wedding, you are talking about the reception. The wedding is the time that is about you and your FI becoming one, and sharing those moments with those special to you, etc etc etc. The RECEPTION is a PARTY that YOU are HOSTING. And as a HOST there is certain etiquette that you should follow. The PP's have said it all.

    </strong>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_this-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:f612044b-d8a4-47a2-814c-e893edeb5e78Post:3f795d27-61af-42c7-893d-a099ec325c72">Re: This is my wedding!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will consider how all you feel, but everyone I have talked to about it in real life- my mom, fiance, friends, other family- no one has a problem with it. And like I said my mom is actually encouraging me to put more people on that list, and my fiance too. Apparently we do things differently where I live..........
    Posted by skylarjo04[/QUOTE]

    <strong>And to this...most people in your life will tell you what you want to hear. When you are IN a situation, it's kind of hard to look in on it from the ouside, no? Your family is the exact same way. That's what is so great about these boards. These ladies have no connection to your at all, so why would they try and tip-toe around the subject or say what you want to hear? They wouldn't. They are telling you exactly how it is. It's rude. Don't do it. If you can't afford to have them there all night, don't have them there at all. End of story.</strong>
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