His Middle Name As My New Last Name??

hisart · October 2010

I’m stumped on what to do, or not do, with my name…

My initials are HIS and I do use them quite often. I get a kick out of them being a male pronoun when I'm a feminist (in the true, equality sense, not the bra-burning, man-hating sense).

IF I took my FI's last name, my initials would be HID; that's not me. I'm not a quite, sheepish person. Furthermore, I don't want to take his last name because I can't say it without blushing and wouldn’t want to put our future kids through the teasing (trust me, his sister has some stories...).

So, this is my master plan: We both drop our last names and I add his middle name as my new last name (my initials will go from HIS to HIM – how cool is that?!?). This way our family will have the same last name, which is something that’s pretty important to me. Only problem is, he doesn’t want to change anything about his name. I don't think that's fair. So, for now we're both keeping our names unless I can figure out a strong enough reason to go through the hassle of legally changing my name when it still won't make us actually have the same last name. Any ideas on how to *nicely* twist his arm or any other suggestions?

marissa_claire · October 2010

I think this sounds silly - especially when you want to do it just to have cool initials. Unless he has a terrible last name (re: friend of a friend has married a guy with the last name "D*ck") you should either take his last name or keep your own.

redheadfsu · October 2010

1. Don't force him to do anything with his name. It is his name. He gets zero say on what you do with your name, so you get zero say on his name. Don't pressure him. Neither of you should pressure the other. That is equality.

2. You may have to do a legal name change to do this and not just the marriage license process. Look into the law in your state. Every state is different. Some only allow the bride to change her last name to his and others allow you change both names.

trix1223 · October 2010

You're overthinking the whole initials thing. I frankly don't think that anyone but you cares all that much about your initials.

I also find it interesting that you don't want to necessarily change your name, but you insist that he agrees to change his to something that will suit your desire to have cool initials. (See first paragraph again, please)

If you don't want to change your name, don't. In our family, I changed my name. My sister didn't when she got married. My sister-in law didn't change hers when she married my brother. My DD and DIL both changed their names, but my niece did not.

I think you're trying too hard here to be clever. Sorry

FutureMrsMcDaniel · October 2010

If he doesn't want to change his name, he shouldn't. It's you who needs to decide what is most important to you: initials that you consider clever, or that future children will have the same last name as both parents. We can't answer that for you. It's your decision to keep your name or change it. Just as it's your FI's decision to change or keep his.

If you took his name, your initials would be HID. How do initials equate a person's personality? That's a new one for me.

marissa_claire · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:0447aee4-90f0-4376-8fc5-b512d31c5033">Re: His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]Marissa_Claire - Thanks for your reply! Please don't think that initials would just be a cool bonus and are by no means the main reason for all this. It really boils down to wanting to have a shared family name. I do take a little offence by you calling my attempt to creatively solve my issue silly, especially since you just proved my point by calling my would-be new last name " terrible" - turns out your friend and I have quite a bit in common. What did she do? Reheadfsu - Thanks for your second point, I'll definitely be looking into that! As for your first point, no worries; apparently I was in stronger need of a universal sarcasm font than I thought. I want to assure you that you don’t need to worry about my FI, I’m not marrying a wimp and I’m not some crazy lady that’s going to beat him until he agrees with me. (Please note, while there is truth to the previous statement, it was intended to inject humor and not to be taken in an overly seriously manner.)
Posted by hisart[/QUOTE]

So does this mean your future last name is D*ck? I was saying that if it's a bad or embarrassing last name then maybe you have reason to be concerned, but in that case why not have him take yours? All of your original post was about how cool your initials would be, so yes that's what I was pointing out as being silly.

P.S. that girl got divorced.

MyNameIsNot · October 2010

Just as the decision to change your name is totally yours, the decision for him to change his name is totally his. It is unfair for you to try to twist his arm into doing something he doesn't want to do. Every time a woman comes on here saying her FI is trying to push her into taking his name, I call him selfish and controlling. The fact that you are the woman doesn't make your behavior any better.

He has said he doesn't want to change his name. Now it's up to you to work with it. If you don't want to change your name, don't. If you want to take some other name, do it.

lalap69 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:8084cde7-f7d4-411e-bf3f-8d3a7e38809e">Re: His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]Just as the decision to change your name is totally yours, the decision for him to change his name is totally his. It is unfair for you to try to twist his arm into doing something he doesn't want to do. Every time a woman comes on here saying her FI is trying to push her into taking his name, I call him selfish and controlling. The fact that you are the woman doesn't make your behavior any better. He has said he doesn't want to change his name. Now it's up to you to work with it. If you don't want to change your name, don't. If you want to take some other name, do it.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
MNIN just said everything I was going to say.

Just like it would be wrong for him to force you to take his name, it's wrong for you to try to force him to change his. As a feminist, I would think that you would know that.

nda_roxybabe · October 2010

Well shiit, my initials are AJB. That doesn't even spell anything! What does that mean?

FutureDondada · October 2010

Im not going to comment on the topic at hand simply b/c I agree with all of you and OP explained herself and I dont feel it necessary to keep badgering, HOWEVER I will comment that Im very excited for my new initials. I initial every paper that touches my hands at work and Ill be going from BAF to...BAD! Woooo. Haha.

Good luck OP, Id have a hard time taking that name too. FI took his SF last name when he was younger and for many reasons, having to do with abuse and not his ridiculous last name, changed it back to his biological dads name...SF last name was 'Littleboy'. The jokes that go with that are endless and never seem to get old (we went to HS together so I know). But I groaned a little bit to myself when I thought Id have to take that name...so I understand

calindi · October 2010

I think the hardest part here is wanting to have a joint family name - if he has the same desire but isn't willing to change his name, then it's up to you to decide what's more important to you. I can't say I'd like to take D*ck as a last name, either, and I certainly wouldn't want my future children to have to carry that name around. Is he concerned about that, too? What's his suggested solution?

Would you both be willing to do a formal name change to something similar but not as obviously tease-worthy? Like Dean or Dack or something? It will be more hassle than simply changing your name after a wedding, and will require presenting yourselves in front of a judge, but as long as your desire to change your name isn't to hide from creditors, then it's usually not a problem to have it granted.

mellowmarshmallow · October 2010

I have a friend who married a guy with the last name D*ck. She wouldn't take his name. They went through several ideas... him taking her last name, both hyphenating (but what name really goes with D*ck?), or both changing their name to a new common last name (preferably the maiden name of one of their mothers/grandmothers). In the end, he was set on keeping his name and she was set on not taking his, so they both ended up keeping their names. There was no nice arm twisting that worked.

I am pleased about my future initials, since it will spell JEM, which as every child of the 80's knows means I will be truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.

palmettogirl924 · October 2010

This has got to be the most absurd thing I have ever heard.... who cares what the heck your initals spell?? Mine don't spell a darn thing and no one has ever commented on that.

desert*bride · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:1221c57c-8453-45a3-983b-50606f41709f">Re: His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with calindi, talk to him about if having a family name is important to him too. If it is you should both explain why you feel how you do about all possible names. Given that you can probably come to an agreement, or at least understand why he doesn't want to change his name. If its not important to him to have a family name then you need to talk to him about why its important to you. Your getting married, he should probably work on finding a way to make you both happy and to understand where your coming from. Why does he not want to change his name? Does he want a family name? If you had different names what name would you give your kids? How did this discussion go, do you understand why he feels as he does? Are his reasons something you can understand? Maybe that would change your mind, it did for me.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

Yep. All of this. If a family name is important to him, he should be willing to work towards a compromise with you.And politely remind him that the kids won't necessarily have his last name if the two of you have different last names - you could give the kids your last name instead.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:73184245-3d2d-4ef2-b25d-5b8e1f34f219">Re: His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend who married a guy with the last name D*ck. She wouldn't take his name. They went through several ideas... him taking her last name, both hyphenating (but what name really goes with D*ck?), or both changing their name to a new common last name (preferably the maiden name of one of their mothers/grandmothers). In the end, he was set on keeping his name and she was set on not taking his, so they both ended up keeping their names. There was no nice arm twisting that worked.<strong> I am pleased about my future initials, since it will spell JEM, which as every child of the 80's knows means I will be truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.</strong>
Posted by vickmeyerswedding[/QUOTE]

That's pretty awesome. My current initials are MMM. I'm keeping my last name, but it has little to do with my initials. It's kind of fun, though.

OP, I don't care what your reasoning for keeping or changing your name is. If it's because you like your initials, fine. But I agree with PPs - you can only control what you want to do, not him. Personally, I think changing your last name to a name that isn't his last name doesn't make sense. If you'll have different last names anyway, just keep your name.

goetzr19 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:11b1ebd9-fdef-42d6-9493-dc37e259a5a5">Re: His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well shiit, my initials are AJB. That doesn't even spell anything! What does that mean?
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

Mine will be RLW. FI's are LAW---and those are tattooed on my foot. Damn, I'm screwed!

bbyckes · October 2010

Just keep your last name and leave his name alone.

Belle2Be · October 2010

Maybe its a sign that you are marrying the wrong man. God forbid you be a HID! Maybe you need to find a nice Irish man (Mc*) or another S. Stay away from C's though, HIC just isn't pretty. Or you could find a P and be HIP. HIP is way better than HIM, IMO. Just some thoughts

dizzinea · October 2010

just keep your last name, that is what my feminist aunt did when she got married a couple years ago, she was a published aurther with a phd and didn't want to change the name she used professionally. when and if you have kids maybe give them both last names. but honestly you might be over thinking this

jeanna85 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_his-middle-name-new-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:77eef2c6-815d-4dba-99c6-b5eacdd21f6bPost:9d08ee57-425b-4946-b14e-ee8877654742">His Middle Name As My New Last Name??</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m stumped on what to do, or not do, with my name… My initials are HIS and I do use them quite often. I get a kick out of them being a male pronoun when I'm a feminist (in the true, equality sense, not the bra-burning, man-hating sense).<strong> IF I took my FI's last name, my initials would be HID; that's not me. I'm not a quite, sheepish person. </strong>Furthermore, I don't want to take his last name because I can't say it without blushing and wouldn’t want to put our future kids through the teasing (trust me, his sister has some stories...). So, this is my master plan: We both drop our last names and I add his middle name as my new last name (my initials will go from HIS to HIM – how cool is that?!?). This way our family will have the same last name, which is something that’s pretty important to me. Only problem is, he doesn’t want to change anything about his name. I don't think that's fair. So, for now we're both keeping our names unless I can figure out a strong enough reason to go through the hassle of legally changing my name when it still won't make us actually have the same last name. Any ideas on how to *nicely* twist his arm or any other suggestions?
Posted by hisart[/QUOTE]

Are you getting confused with "hid" and "hide"? Initials of HID wouldn't make me think of a quiet sheepish person. That's just odd. This whole post is odd. How old are you?

futurepivko · October 2010

Really? Who cares what your intials spell?! Mine will go from CAF to CAP or CFP (if i use my middle name or maiden name) OHHH bc it may be "CAP", I'm something you wear on your head?!?!! no. Am i supposed to obsess over this?

Changing your name is a symbol of you committing your life to someone....not a reflection of who you are as a person, or your personality??!!

Having your initials go from HIS to HIM isnt "cool", sorry

jennipea382 · October 2010

I'm a bit of a lurker but I just had to post on this one...

My initals are JAP. I think I'd rather have HID...

Also on the note of combining names.. realized an option for combining my last name and my boyfriend's last name would be Fetish. I'm a bit amused.

His Middle Name As My New Last Name??

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