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My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well

tthurst1tthurst1 member
10 Comments
in Snarky Brides


So, this is sort of sticky situation that I am in.  My parents are actively involved in our church community (I am Episcopal and come from an Episcopal family)  my Dad serves on the Vestry (church board) and my Mom sings in the choir.  My parents are adorable, fun, and wonderful and so far, the planning is going fairly well!

Well, before I got back together with my now-fiance (we dated forever back in college and finally reunited and I am happier than ever!!) I was dating this guy from my hometown who attended the same church as I did, in fact that is how we met.  So he asked me out, etc...and we began to date, and seriously for a while.  Things were serious and I thought we might get married, and that is when I woke up to reality and realized what a terribly controlling and awful individual this guy was (at least, for me, he just wasn't right for me).  My friends and family noticed it and that I wasn't myself around him, along with how he treated me and so needless to say, I broke up with him.  He was devastated and, apparently didn't see it coming, so he basically stalked my parents, had HIS parents call my parents, followed my family members and friends home to try and talk to them so I would take him back - he went psycho.  So of course, this clearly did no good and I resented him for a while for being so awful to me (and had to come to terms that it was half my fault anyway for letting it get that way) and he eventually moved on with his life and now I am happily engaged to the guy I am suppose to marry!!!!

Okay, you need that background information to know this:  So, the reason I brought up my parents are really involved in church - well, my Mom sings in the choir with my ex's Mom and Dad.  His parents are truly good people, and they were always nice to me, I do not have any problem ever being nice to them (I mean, I don't gush and hug them, but I am congenial).  So, my parents and his parents still talk every week and see eachother and church and church functions.  My parents and I were going over a rough draft of the guest list and their names came up - so I tried not to fly off the handle and explained to them that this was MY wedding to my future husband, and that my ex's parents really don't play a part in being an integral part of Will (my fiance) and I's relationship, so why should they be invited?  My parents say, "because they are good people to us."  Sorry, but that just ain't gonna cut it.  My mom pleads that "They won't even come, we are just inviting them to be nice."  Okay...why A - waste the postage on them since they have NO part in Will and I's life, B- save them an awkward situation because they probably do not expect to be invited, and C - THEY ARE MY EX's parents!!! I do not want them there.  This is an exclusive and precious event and I would just rather not include them.  This isn't my parents social event, it is my wedding.  If it was a Christmas party or any other social event, it wouldn't matter.  Just not my wedding.

Am I really off my rocker on this one?  I mean, I understand there are going to be some people my parents invite that are going to be non-negotiable, but I want to put my foot down on this one.

Any advice on how to handle this politely without it turning into a dramafest  and helping them see my point?
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Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well

  • andy71781andy71781 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker

    1) Are your parents paying?  If so they have a lot of control and say about who is invited.

    2) Do you have a problem with those people besides the fact that they are your ex's parents?  Was the relationship with them irrevocably broken due to the breakup?

    3) Do you think you'll even notice? 

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  • drileybubeckdrileybubeck
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parents-want-invite-ex-boyfriends-parentsand-didnt-end-well?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c159199-e09f-4790-8732-2d01cd67cd67Post:69098b75-cdc1-44e4-b4a1-4e4cf1f6dfac">Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) Are your parents paying?  If so they have a lot of control and say about who is invited. 2) Do you have a problem with those people besides the fact that they are your ex's parents?  Was the relationship with them irrevocably broken due to the breakup? 3) Do you think you'll even notice? 
    Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

    This with a side of this and a drizzle of this.

    I think it'd be really gracious of you to extend an invite to them.  If they're more than likely not going to come, it'd be nice of you to save your parents a little awkwardness by spending the money for one more invite, envelope and stamp.
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  • tthurst1tthurst1 member
    10 Comments
    Hi there!


    1) - They ARE paying, but we are paying for a lot too - downpayments, my dress, whatever my fiance and I can contribute, we are.   And I don't think they should pull that "Trump card" simply because that is like emotional blackmail - I should be able to invite who I want to be there.  Just as every bride and groom should  - at least I think.


    2) - I do sort of have a problem with them.  My ex's Dad was very rude to my mom AND dad for a while after we broke up and I thought that was stupid and immature.  He would walk right past them and not even speak, like a 5 year old boy, much like his son that was my ex.  My parents had done nothing wrong so I thought this was inexcusable behavior from a grown man.

    Neither of them have attempted to contact me (and they have seen me AND my fiance sometimes at church, although we have our own home church now, we attend my parents from time to time for special occasions).  They do not even know him or any of his family.  Sure they are nice people, but that is no reason to invite them to a weddding.  Lots of people are nice.

    3)  I would notice because they would look out of place and I just don't want them there.  As I said before, it's an exclusive event and my parents shouldn't be able to invite "Just anybody."  It would just put me and my husband in an awkward situation and that is the last way I want to feel on my wedding day!

    I hope that makes sense.....any advice still???
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  • andy71781andy71781 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker

    Do you think your Dad really wants them invited?  Is it just your mom? 
    My opinion on this is that your parents have veto power because they are paying for the dinner.  Its not fair - I hate the rule as much as you do - but that's the Trump card, in my opinion. 

    But as far as advice on how to get out of this I would say this:  talk to your parents about how you feel.  I bet you that it means a lot less to them to have the ex's parents invited than it would mean for you not to have them there. 

    If I could impart a bit of general wedding advice for you going forward I would say this:  pick your battles.  If this is the most drama you are dealing with in the months leading up to your wedding you will be very lucky.  Chances are you are going to need your parents in your corner and you don't get unlimited chances to put your foot down.

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  • TroyandKellyTroyandKelly member
    10 Comments
    If your parents are coming, they have the right to invite people that they want there.  You can mention to them that you arent comfortable with inviting them, but if they insist then you have no choice in the matter.  The invitations (when parents are paying) say that the parents of so-and-so invite you to the wedding, so it isnt like you are the one inviting them.
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  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    The fact that you called your wedding an "exclusive event" makes me want to stab myself in the eyes.

    Money = Strings. Your mom got over the fact that his Dad was rude to her, so they are coming. Deal with it and don't pay attention to them.
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  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    I think your parents should care more about what you want than inviting people who are good to them.

    Also, what if their son attends with them and the might not even list him on the RSVP, he could just show up with them.  I would think that is less likely to happen if his parents aren't invited.
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  • JennaV26JennaV26
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2010
    This is your wedding, if you don't want them there this bad then your parents should understand. Both you and your parents are paying which makes it tricky but I think you should pull the trump card as the bride - then I would try to make a compromise somewhere else in the planning process to make it up to them.

    Good luck!!!
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  • jennylove810jennylove810 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Forget money, forget strings, forget who gets what because of who's paying what.

    Normally I'd agree that if your parents are paying or contributing, they get a say over the guest list - meaning, if they have friends, coworkers, extended family, etc, and they want these people included, fine.  Payment = power.

    But I think OP has a legitimate reason for not wanting the parents of her ex at her wedding, and frankly, I think it's kinda messed up that her own parents aren't concerned with her feelings on the matter.  We're not talking about the second cousin from Canada who no one has seen for 10 years.  I totally get where the OP is coming from.  It's not so much the control over the guest list, she doesn't seem to have a problem with that, it's that there's no legitimate reason to invite these people and her parents are more concerned with being "nice" than about putting OP and FI in an awkward situation.

    Honestly, OP, I'm sure this is NOT the proper way to handle it, but if it were me, that invite would get lost in the mail.
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  • xoxobxoxob member
    1000 Comments
    I don't see how this is any different. I think that if the parents really want them there and  they don't see why OP is freaking out, then I think there is more to the story. That's just my opinion, on invitations to an "exclusive event".
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  • vgmartinezvgmartinez
    500 Comments
    I wouldn't want them there either, that's way uncomfortable and just weird that parents would even suggest inviting your ex's parents. I would definitely tell them that you absolutely do not think it's appropriate for them to be invited. I agree with the PP who said that it might be a ticket for your ex to start stalking your family again or causing problems.
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  • jajph1974jajph1974
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parents-want-invite-ex-boyfriends-parentsand-didnt-end-well?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c159199-e09f-4790-8732-2d01cd67cd67Post:a4c331cf-0081-4978-95e0-06414a82a18e">Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think your parents should care more about what you want than inviting people who are good to them. <font color="#800000"><strong>Also, what if their son attends with them and the might not even list him on the RSVP, he could just show up with them.  I would think that is less likely to happen if his parents aren't invited.</strong></font>
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    10000 Comments
    Normally I'd agree that if the parents are paying then they get to make the guest list, but considering the circumstances I disagree in this case. the guy turned into a stalker, the dad was rude to your family, I don't blame you for not wanting them there. At the very least, they bring back bad memories on what should be a very happy day.

    But like another person said, there is a big chance he'll tag along with them unannounced, because that's how stalker guys are. And that would royally suck and make your wedding a major downer.

    So I say sit down and explain your concerns to your parents. If they persist, then don't take their money and tell them you're sorry they can't be on your side and care about your feelings, but this is something you have to stand your ground on.
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  • soon2bemrsclw3soon2bemrsclw3 member
    10 Comments
    I think just like your parents have a right (if they are paying) to invite people, i think it should go both ways....you BOTH have the right to say yes or no to someone on that guest list ESPECIALLY IN THIS SITUATION...as long as you arent fighting over 25 other names going on the list, i would choose this one as my "will not accept this one" and fight for it.  you are absolutely right, that would be weird seeing them on your day, esp since it ended bad, he is a stalker, and his parents turned crud for a while towards your parents.
    And the big "what if" that everyone else has mentioned....what if he shows up with his parents??!?! because we all know that people lose their mind and become rude arses when it comes to a wedding invite....Mr and Mrs So and So becomes them, their three kids, their dog, and their uncle.
    I say fight to not invite them!!! They will get over it!
    Maybe you could try this angle with your parents, by telling them that they will make it weird for that couple by inviting them when they will have to send an awkward "no" response...at least right now, they probably arent expecting an invite, and thats probably FINE with them!
    And now ill stop complaining about inviting certain people on my list......lol. this takes the cake! Good luck!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    It sounds like your parents are kind, forgiving and generous people. And it goes against their nature to exclude someone. Technically they do have that 'trump' in their favor. They definitely have a say in the guest list because they are paying. And they probably feel awkward, especially if the wedding is at their church.

    The stalking thing really bothers me, though. You should talk this over with your parents in a calm way. Make sure you let them know, that you understand their feelings. Remind them of how difficult it was for you to make that break from the ex. If they were not aware of the situation, then, you should make sure they are aware of the details now. If he finds out his parents received an invitation to your wedding, it could stir up unnecessary drama.

    As an MOB,  my daughters feelings would be more important to me, than some sense of social obligation. Good luck.
                       
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  • luckyme502luckyme502 member
    1000 Comments
    I didn't need the super long background information.  Tell you parents that on your wedding day, it would make you feel uncomfortable if they were there.  Wow, that was difficult. 
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  • CellesCelles member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parents-want-invite-ex-boyfriends-parentsand-didnt-end-well?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c159199-e09f-4790-8732-2d01cd67cd67Post:7258b0b6-148c-4ac7-accd-d1808134cba4">Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't need the super long background information.  Tell you parents that on your wedding day, it would make you feel uncomfortable if they were there.  Wow, that was difficult. 
    Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

    Then don't read it?
    Wow, that was difficult.
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  • luckyme502luckyme502 member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parents-want-invite-ex-boyfriends-parentsand-didnt-end-well?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7c159199-e09f-4790-8732-2d01cd67cd67Post:ed6883c7-c73b-4119-bf16-9f5b3b026ce2">Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Parents want to invite my Ex-Boyfriends parents.....And it didn't end well : Then don't read it? Wow, that was difficult.
    Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

    I didn't it.
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  • lexandfablexandfab member
    100 Comments
    Being comfortable at your own wedding is more important than your parents social obligations. I understand they are nice people but this certainly isn't something you want in the back of your mind on your wedding day.
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  • tommyandytommyandy member
    500 Comments
    OP, 
    Do your parents go out to dinner with these people or invite them over to the house?  Do they go to their house for social events?  If the answer is no, then they should not be invited to the wedding.  
    IMO, the only non-relatives you should invite to a wedding are the ones you would invite to your house for dinner.  HTH
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  • honeybear9311honeybear9311
    10 Comments
    They dont need to be at your wedding, I dont care who is paying, I have been to a wedding where the grooms ex's parents were invited, showed up...WITH HIS EX! She got smashed and cried half the evening singing "Love Stinks" in a 'Wedding Singer' fashion.... Go with your gut hun
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  • tthurst1tthurst1 member
    10 Comments
    Wow!  Some of your comments were very VERY helpful and put a different spin on things I had not even thought about yet!  Thank you and I will consider going over things with my parents in a calm, sensible manner and explain to them my concerns.  I see their side, I really do, and I want to make sure that there are people there that are meaningful to everyone - including them, and including my fiance and I.
      I honestly hadn't even thought about the fact that his stalker, crazy-self might "crash" the wedding.  Even though I hope he and his family have more courtesy than that, when he went crazy and stalked my family, I lost all hope that he knew how to conduct himself as a respectable human being and went off the deep end.

    To answer "TomandAndy" question - no - they do not socialize with them outside of church functions.  They do not ask them to dinner or ask them to our house for any reason.  They see eachother only at church and church social events and that is IT. 

    When the time comes to send out invites, I will address the issue again.  Until then, I am going to see if they bring it up or not.  And I will make sure to keep the invites with me, so none "accidentally" get sent out. Wink

    Also, I guess I should have known this when I started chatting on these community boards, I should have been more "aware" of my words choices.  I didn't mean to offend some of you by saying that my wedding was an "exclusive event," my goodness! That turned sour fast!   Please cut me some slack! Embarassed That was a poor word choice on my end, and all I meant by it was that I don't want my parents to feel like they can invite people left and right without giving it some thought because this isn't just "any" occassion - it's my wedding day.  Maybe that is the way I should have described that?  The reason I said that was because the people I want there on our special day are people who have meant a great deal to me and my family over my entire life and my fiance's entire life - not just some huge party where I turn around and don't know over half the people at our own wedding.
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