Need Advice, Long Distance Newlyweds? Or Wait?

nikkip920 · January 2010

So, we got engaged Jan 23, 2008 while pursuing our undergraduate degrees, and wanted to wait until the summer after we graduated to get married (this summer). However, my plans have changed and I have decided to go back to school to get a different degree in a accelerated, year and a half long program that would begin in May. So now we are looking at getting married Jan 2011, while I'm on winter break and allowing us time for a honeymoon. I have plenty of time to get a bunch of planning done, as I graduated a semester early and am not in school now. I would finish my program Dec 2011, and we would only be an hour and 45 min apart so we could be together every weekend. We are used to long distance during summer and winter breaks as we are from different hometowns. But a friend of mine mentioned that she thinks we would miss out on the joy of being newlyweds. We've already been engaged for 2 years, and I really don't want to wait. Another option would be for me to commute 1 hr and 45 min both ways 5 days a week. Any thoughts/advice.

october010bride · January 2010

Although its clearly not ideal, since you are used to doing long distance I don't think it'd be that big of a stretch, especially since its not for that long. A friend of mine from work lives apart from his husband and they only see eachother on the weekends when he drives out there. They've been doing this for the past 4 years and will continue to do this until he retires in 5 years.

So I think you both need to decide... do you want to get married now? Or would you just wait til you live closer together?

I can imagine how hard it'll be for you. But just remember, its not something that will last forever

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

We did the quasi-long distance thing (about an hour apart) for almost a year while I was finishing my undergrad. And I have to say, though I'm glad it's over and I love that I get to go to sleep next to him every night, it wasn't that bad. It made the time we had together seem extra special, and we exchanged a lot of incredibly sappy text messages and emails in that time. Yes, it can be hard, and it does get lonely sometimes, but it's not all bad. I think it actually strengthened our relationship quite a lot.

arixana · January 2010

Your situation is definitely not ideal and I don't envy you for it certainly. Here are the questions I would ask myself: What would the difference be; being engaged and 2 hours away, or married 2 hours away? Will you affect your financial aid if you get married? Will you regret the first year of marriage being apart?

I think if it were me (and it is a personal choice) I'd wait until I was finished before getting married. It is such a huge new stage in life, I would want to be able to focus on it and enjoy it. School is hard enough without those distractions.

Good luck on your decision.

SteveandKris · January 2010

In addition to finanicial aid (you might be able to get more) how does this affect your health insurance? are you still young enough to be covered under mommy and daddy's plan (some states its 25 if you're continually a full time student). Is FI in a job that would cover you and are their providers in that plan near where you will be in school? Can you and FI afford *two* apartments/homes?

LunaBeagle · January 2010

Wow II don't think I could do it, but it looks like you guys are already used to living far apart. LDR's are very hard and stressful on a couple, but if you can make it work that shows how strong you are together. It is definitely not an ideal situation and your friend is right about you missing out on the experience of being newlyweds. It will be so special once you guys are married and living together and sharing your lives together. My advice is to wait or to work out something where one or both of you has a little longer of a commute. It would be worth it in the long run to be living together as husband and wife and not far apart.

noelle24 · January 2010

I've been doing long distance with my FI for 4.5 years (we've been together for 8). It sucks, but it can be done. And as PP said, it can end up strenthening your relationship. It can also be incredibly hard and lonely.

On the plus side though, your program is short, so you'll be able to "see the light at the end of the tunnel" in a way. I think that would've made my experience with my FI a lot easier to take.

My FI and I are dealing with this possibility now. I'm looking for jobs not just where FI is now, but where we want to move eventually. This means an extra year away from FI that we weren't counting on, and a 2+ yr engagement. Together, we decided that since we've spent so much time apart already, that we want to be living in the same place before we get married.

In the end, it boils down to what you want to do. Either way, you're doing the long-distance thing. There's no right or wrong answer. Although I wouldn't rush the marriage just because you don't want to say you were engaged for 3 years. All that matters is what is best for your relationship. What does your FI think?

Need Advice, Long Distance Newlyweds? Or Wait?

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