Bridal shower

CP1903 · October 2010

Ok! I know that the finances of the bridal shower or bachelorette are not of my concern but I was approached by a bridesmaid saying that she can afford her dress, makeup and hair of the day but cannot afford to chip in for a bridal shower. I really wanted her to be a part of the day but asked my MOH and she said "absolutely not." What is the right thing to do??

marissa_claire · October 2010

For one, you shouldn't really be telling anybody anything, but I would actually tell this BM to voice her concerns to the MOH. The MOH should be planning a party everyone can afford, just like you should be planning around the BM's budget.

smsimpson · October 2010

I don't understand. What did you ask your MOH that she said no to. If your BM could be involved with planning the shower without contributing financially? Or if your BM could simply attend the shower?

I think if your MOH decided to throw a shower by herself then she should be spending the money. If all the Bridal party decided together to throw one, they should get together and agree on a budget that works for everyone. Having said that, I don't think a BM should not be invited simply because she can't afford to contribute based on someone else's budget.

Do your MOH and BM know each other? Why don't they get together and figure out something that works for both of them (and anyone else involved)

Oh, and I don't think you should ask her to step down as bridesmaid. She doesn't have to throw you a shower or contribute to one someone else is throwing. The shower is like a gift.

SarahPLiz · October 2010

BMs can be guests at showers and not host. Also, hosting does not just imply monetary involvement. Hosting could include the use of one's house, serving ware, craft services, etc.

BMs do not have to host anything. If your MOH is hosting, she can't demand that others help her. She should plan the event that SHE can afford with the help of others who OFFER to help.

kellya01 · October 2010

If the MOH is going to throw a shower, if she wants to ask other BM's to contribute, it's up to them to figure it out. If one BM can't figure out how to contribute to the bridal shower, maybe going through financial strains, but obviously she can pay for the required items to be part of the wedding, I wouldn't translate that into "she should not be in the wedding anymore".... to say that, it is petty and ridiculous. Didn't you ask her to be a BM because she means something to you or your fiancee?

One of my bM's is getting married a month and a half before my wedding, so I am not going to MAKE her contribute to anything besides the dress. If my MOH (SIL) is going to throw a shower (with the help of my mom), they have NEVER been ones to spend a huge amount of money on something like that. They'd pay for probably flowers and food, and we'll have it at someone's house (free).

If it is going to become a major issue with your MOH, maybe kindly suggest to the MOH to find a way to host the party with fewer expenditures so that everyone can afford to chip in. When you find out what the $$ figure is, if the MOH is still having an issue with this BM, maybe you could give the BM the $$ quietly so the MOH doesn't know it's coming from you.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

Your MOH has no say over the rest of the WP, and absolutely no power to kick the girl out of the wedding, if that's what you're wondering. Showers are optional, and none of your BMs, including the MOH, are under any obligation to host one. If the BM cannot contribute, then she's not a host of the shower. She can still attend the shower as a guest, and she can absolutely still perform her duties at the ceremony, which is the only time they actually have duties.

CP1903 · October 2010

Thanks everyone for their input. I did ask my MOH because she is my best friend and recently was married. Being this is the case I just needed some input on the situation. I REALLY want my friend to be a bridesmaid because of our friendship not because of financial input or a shower or anything of the sort. I am a non-confrontational person and would just like to see the girls deal with this and sort it out. But just wanted a non bias opinion from my fellow brides. Thanks so much!!

redheadfsu · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridal-shower-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5a6f2ca1-6d24-4dc6-a750-20d58970063cPost:6eb48015-797c-4b93-a41d-233fd5192957">Re: Bridal shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for their input. I did ask my MOH because she is my best friend and recently was married. Being this is the case I just needed some input on the situation. I REALLY want my friend to be a bridesmaid because of our friendship not because of financial input or a shower or anything of the sort. I am a non-confrontational person and would just like to see the girls deal with this and sort it out. But just wanted a non bias opinion from my fellow brides. Thanks so much!!
Posted by CP1903[/QUOTE]

Sounds like your heart is in the right place. If the BM brings it up again, tell her she should only do what she can afford & you won't be offended if she wants to be a shower guest & not host. If the MOH brings it up again, tell her that she might need to scale down the shower she is planning as the other WP members may not be able to help her host it.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

You could also suggest to the BM that if she still wants to help out, she can offer services that don't require her to pay: she could help assemble and address invitations, scout out venues if necessary, help set up and decorate, bake/cook something, etc. It's not all just shelling out cash.

CP1903 · October 2010

Good thinking! I agree with you on scaling it down to be a smaller expense for everyone. The bridesmaid would not be attending the shower due to extra travel expenses to even get back to NY. I just feel awful about it and really don't want this to be about money.

MyNameIsNot · October 2010

Throwing in on showers is 100% optional. If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. That shouldn't have any effect on your relationship, and thus her place in your wedding.

If you MOH is telling her she has to throw in, you need to have a talk with your MOH. While you normally shouldn't be involved in shower planning, if she is telling your friends that they must contribute, she's making you look bad, and you need to step in.

Also, if you require hair and make up, you have to pay for it. Maybe when you remind her that she can do her own hair/make up, she'll have the $ to chip in. Or maybe she needs that money for other things, whatever.

NillaWafer10 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bridal-shower-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5a6f2ca1-6d24-4dc6-a750-20d58970063cPost:35c4e6ae-457d-4a85-903a-030b7e28e863">Re: Bridal shower</a>:
[QUOTE]You could also suggest to the BM that if she still wants to help out, she can offer services that don't require her to pay: she could help assemble and address invitations, scout out venues if necessary, help set up and decorate, bake/cook something, etc. It's not all just shelling out cash.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>This kind of help is probably the most valuable. Good thinking!</div>

ColinNikki · October 2010

I would say if it comes down to it, maybe you can offer to pay for the hair or makeup for your bridesmaid and let her contribute that money to the shower. You don't want her to feel silly having to tell the other bridesmaids that she's broke.

soduhpop · October 2010

I wanted to pick 2..........well i think the moh should and can figure something out. if she wanted to give u a shower she can do it. and u should be able to have who ever u want as a bm and not worry about anyone else.

dunn1678 · October 2010

I am having the same problem with out of town BM's. In fact all 4 of my BM's live in a different city and 3 different states. And my wedding is in a different state then I live in. I know it is my choosing but I am not expecting them to shell out anything extra to attend the shower unless they can afford it and I have told my MOH's, my sisters so this is a bit easier to communicate, that we should try and have any parties with everyone's financial situation in mind, mine included. And if that means not having showers/bachlorette weekend events then I am ok with that.

I would hate for anyone to not be included because of money and your MOH and BM are putting you in an uncomfortable spot by going through you.

Good luck!

Liz_Moss · October 2010

I've been that exact Bridesmaid in that exact situation and it can be very stressful. Let your bridesmaid know that she does not have to contribute to the shower if she can't afford it. The person that is throwing it, is probably doing an extravagant one, and I'm sure she feels a little stressed.

As brides, we all have to remember what it felt like to be a bridesmaid, and that we shouldn't put unnecessary/ unrealistic expectations upon our bridesmaids, period. Our wedding party shells out a lot, when in reality it is us as brides who should be showering our friends with gifts for standing up to support us!

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