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Invitation prob-venting

vs0609vs0609 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul
Hi Ladies,
This past weekend, my FI and I went to a family friend's house to finalize details for the bridal shower since she's hosting the shower for us.  She asked us who we're having at the shower and I gave her a list.  She then told us we needed to add her daughter to the bridal shower and wedding otherwise her daughter's feelings will be hurt.  She then told us that we were rude to exclude her daughter in the whole process.  This makes me a bit frustrated because we decided to not invite her daugther because she has a lot of kids and we are not having kids at the wedding/reception.  My question is:  Even though we put on our invitation, adult reception, what do we tell our friend's daugther if she shows up with her 6 children or anyone else for that matter? Thanks :)
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Re: Invitation prob-venting

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    srdavis21srdavis21 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    We are having very few kiddos at our reception (nieces and nephews only) and we are trying to manage people's expectations ahead of time.  Instead of waiting until the day of the wedding and dealing with unexpected children then (you can't really kick them out then anyway, in my opinion) we are having our parents talk with family members and family friends with kids well in advance to make sure that they know that this is essentially an adult only function.  You may want to do the same...so that those with kids know that they will need to make arrangements for her kiddos in advance if they want to attend the wedding.  Good luck!
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    tpender13tpender13 member
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    edited February 2012
    How old is the daughter? I would just explain to her that you're really sorry, but that you and your FI have decided to only invite children of immediate family/no kids/whatever your reasoning. Say that you can see how the daughter may feel hurt seeing her mom planning an event that she can't go to, so if she no longer wants to host the shower you understand.

    ETA: I just noticed that you said you put "adult only" on your invitation; have you printed/sent them already? Because it's rude to mention who isn't invited on the invitation.

    Unsolicited advice alert...

    For OP and anyone who may be reading this in the future, if you're worried about people bringing their uninvited children, please don't put "no kids" or "adults only" on the invitation. Just be clear when addressing them who you're sending it to --  "Jane and John Smith" instead of "The Smiths". You may have people write in their kids; be prepared to make a phone call or two to say "Hey, I'm really sorry Jane, but the invitation was just for you and John, we won't be able to accommodate Billy and Susie. I hope you can still make it!" Personalized RSVPs can help avoid that. We did that and didn't have any write-ins. Something like this...

    Jane Smith  chicken__ beef__ declines__
    John Smith  chicken__ beef__ declines__
    image
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    vs0609vs0609 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    The daugther is in her early 30s with six children.  I even explained to my friend that it's an adult only wedding/reception so I'm sure my friend passed that information on to her daughter.  I told my friend that I'm willing to send her daugther an invitation but the children absolutely can't come because we don't have any kid's meals or activities planned.  Will I know if people plan on bringing their kids?  Should I ask them when I get the RSVP cards back?  I just don't want to be the one on the wedding day "kicking someone out of the reception/wedding". 
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    wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    What She said!  

    It is beyond rude for your family friend to put you on the spot like that but you also have to manage her expectations and make it clear that she can't bully her way into bringing whomever she wants.  You can easily call her (or email if you're afraid of confrontation) and just tell her that for financial reasons (or whatever you decide to blame it on), you can't include many kids at your reception and you hope she understands.  Let her know that it isn't anything personal and if she doesn't feel comfrotable throwing a shower for you with her daughter there, you understand and will not hold a grudge. 

    We had to be very proactive about "no kids" because DH's family is enormous.  We didn't invite a lot of his cousins because he hasn't seen them in ages so we couldn't justify allowing kids of friends or even kids of extended family members if we weren't going to include all of his first ring family.  We did personalized RSVPs (X seats have been reserved in your honor - plus a note at the bottom of every single card saying "please let us know if you need assistance arranging for childcare")

    Weddings can bring out the best - and the worst- in people.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this but stand your ground on it or else it'll snowball.
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    tpender13tpender13 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_invitation-prob-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:f20adf0a-e33a-4f2e-86fb-c506252757e5Post:7e8aca49-0875-4719-aff6-e1db98c968fd">Re: Invitation prob-venting</a>:
    [QUOTE]The daugther is in her early 30s with six children.  I even explained to my friend that it's an adult only wedding/reception so I'm sure my friend passed that information on to her daughter.  I told my friend that I'm willing to send her daugther an invitation but the children absolutely can't come because we don't have any kid's meals or activities planned.  Will I know if people plan on bringing their kids?  Should I ask them when I get the RSVP cards back?  I just don't want to be the one on the wedding day "kicking someone out of the reception/wedding". 
    Posted by vs0609[/QUOTE]

    Do you really even know the daughter? I was picturing your friend being in her 30s with a small girl that she was referring to being hurt. I don't think you should have let her "bully" you into inviting the daughter, but since you said you would send the daughter an invititation I think you need to invite her. Stand firm on no kids, though.

    Have you sent out invitations? If you have, how did you set up the RSVPs? If you haven't sent them out yet, I would highly suggest laying the RSVP cards out like I detailed in my PP. We just printed out lines and hand-wrote people's names to make it easier, but you could actually lay out each one separately with people's names typed out.
    image
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    vs0609vs0609 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_invitation-prob-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:f20adf0a-e33a-4f2e-86fb-c506252757e5Post:bb43ff70-c1f8-4ff8-bbf2-74e1604f87c3">Re: Invitation prob-venting</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invitation prob-venting : Do you really even know the daughter? I was picturing your friend being in her 30s with a small girl that she was referring to being hurt. I don't think you should have let her "bully" you into inviting the daughter, but since you said you would send the daughter an invititation I think you need to invite her. Stand firm on no kids, though. Have you sent out invitations? If you have, how did you set up the RSVPs? If you haven't sent them out yet, I would highly suggest laying the RSVP cards out like I detailed in my PP. We just printed out lines and hand-wrote people's names to make it easier, but you could actually lay out each one separately with people's names typed out.
    Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]
    I know the daughter but we don't get along very well.  We haven't sent out invitations yet.  When we ordered our RSVP cards, we forgot to include meal choices on there so I'm going to print the meal choices on another card and use the layout as you suggested.  I think by putting people's names on the meal choices card and have them indicate which meat (fish, chicken, beef) they want is a good idea.  I hope there'll be no confusion as to who's invited :)
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    tpender13tpender13 member
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    Awesome. I think you'll be okay, but if people really do respond with extras, DO NOT FEEL BAD about calling them and saying it's not okay! Good luck!
    image
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    vs0609vs0609 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks ladies for all the advice :)
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