RD Ettique questions

litskispecialty · February 2010

So I want to preface this that I am not trying to be or sound like a jerk by what I am going to ask/say.

So my FI and I emailed out to his WP members and wives (because they claim to keep their DH's schedules better) to advise them that we will be having a rehersal the night before the wedding in Sept around 5pm with more details to follow. We only want to let you know so early so that you can adjust your schedule and have plenty of time to adjust around work (some of the party members are police officers and fire fighters so they don't have a set schedule).

My FI's brother responded that he wants his wife to come to the RD, which was followed with his wife asking for specific details of times and locations so that they can plan right now.

So I guess my question is are significant others/wives/husbands etc. invited to RD's too? At this time my FI's family is not paying for the RD which makes my family very upset as it's tradition for the groom's family to pay right? Since we are totally strapped we will be forced to do something more low key like at a pizza place. I feel bad, but honestly we already have 10 WP members, 2 sets of parents, us that's 16 people then if we have to invite significant others, a couple of OOT guests (like my godmother who is coming from VA) we won't be able to afford a nice $20/30 per person dinner.

I understand that the RD is a way to say thank you to those in the wedding and I want to do something nice, I just assumed since no one in the WP is local to that area and everyone on FI's side has children that they would just stay home with their kids the night before.

Help! What is the proper procedure for all of this?

chica7484 · February 2010

You should never split up couples when inviting people to parties or social events. The spouses and significant other should be invited. My FI couldn't make it to my sister's RD, but I would have been incredibly offended if he had not been invited.

Can you do a backyard BBQ RD? You could get burgers and hot dogs and make up some pasta salad to be on the affordable side of RDs.

danto · February 2010

I agree with Chica. Single members of the WP shouldn't be encouraged to find 'dates' and if a groomsman recently started dating someone last week, that person shouldn't be expected to attend. However, RDs are specifically for family. This is your FI's SIL she has a big role to play even if it's behind the scenes. (plus having wives and long term GFs there may lessen the likely hood of the groomsmen getting trashed the night before the wedding)

Order pizzas (or make them for even less!) or have a BBQ. It's okay to keep it low key as long as you properly thank everyone for their wedding planning efforts during the night.

GL!

cg-pm52111 · February 2010

I'm with the other ladies here. You need to invite significant others such as wives and fiances, etc. As Danto mentioned, you don't need to invite a girlfriend that's only been in the picture a few weeks, but if they'e been together for some amount of time and are at least semi-serious about each other, than they should be invited. I think you're better to keep it low key and invite significant others than to go fancier and not invite them.

And while in the past it has been tradition for the groom's family to pay for the RD, I think times have changed. It's just like how most weddings are no longer exclusively paid for by the bride's family. I'm sure it will all work out. Good luck!

litskispecialty · February 2010

Thanks ladies!

I think I was more upset with FBIL because FI's family is going out of their way to make us feel guilty and try to get out of paying for things (like their tux rental) so a silly thing like a RD is not worth the stress. This BIL didn't even have a RD at all for his wedding so I was surprised by his reaction so fast.

Our biggest problem is that the Ceremony site is 1 hour away from FI's family and 1.5 hours away from mine, none of the WP is local so we can't borrow their yard and pay for everything. It's too bad too b/c FI's family loves to throw a BBQ for everything else in the world.

I thought about trying to get a VFW or some kind of hall and just do a pot luck (kinda tacky I know but again FI's family is into that kinda stuff so hopefully would help out!) but the area (Rindge, NH) is very very limited. Hopefully we can figure something out I feel bad.

Starfish724 · February 2010

I don't think a pot luck is tacky, depending on how it's done. My best friend's parents did that when they had their RD. They did this:

Everyone made a dish and brought it in a new pan/pot/etc, they also put a recipe card with it telling how to make it and provided the dry ingredients needed to make it again. Then her parents got to keep the dish and had the info/ingredients to make it again. They said they ended up with some really fabulous dishes and still have most of them. It looks a bit eclectic, but they love the memories and that people put in the time and effort t do that for them.

mlhw-nh · February 2010

Pot luck is definatley not tacky! I look at it as family style! I think that could be fine! Could you change it to a late lunch instead and have it at a local park?? Just a thought. I guess that would depend on everyones schedules too...

litskispecialty · February 2010

Yeah that's my other concern is the wedding is on Saturday so the RD is Friday night. I'm trying my best to be an accomodating bride (even though it's supposed to be the brides day!) so I made the rehersal itself around 530pm that way everyone could put in at least half a day of work and return on Monday, I hate having to take a lot of time off for weddings! I"m hoping that everyone will understand that we're already out of money with 6 mo to go and that maybe they can help us come up with something creative.

FI has a cousin who lives in the area, but we don't see them a lot so even if we bring our own food it's a lot to ask to have a minimum of 16 people over for a bbq right?

chayer227 · February 2010

My RD included almost 50 people for this reason. ALL of our WP members and our 3 readers were married with children, and on top of that, MIL insisted on inviting her OOT guests. However, she also paid for it all.
You can definitely make it work. The most relaxed RD I've ever been to was held at my sister's house with finger sandwiches and we all just hung out - it was nice to have a relaxed night before that wedding, instead of all the formalities of a "typical" RD. I stressed over my own RD almost as much as I did over the wedding, since I was stuck with the details and decorating alone - MIL lives in Florida, and just sent a check to pay for it.

Are you staying in a hotel that's local to your venue? Maybe you could order pizzas and just hang out there...?

jonchrissy · February 2010

I usually lurk... but I'm somewhat familiar with that area. Could you have it at the woodbound inn? Or drive into Keene and have it?

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