Cant choose my MOH!!!

WhitneyAliceAuD · December 2009

I have several close friends but not one BEST FRIEND who is "my person", and no siblings. I am going to have 8 BMs and I cant seem to choose one of them to be my MOH.
The girl I thought I wanted flat out asked me to be my MOH because she "wont have another chance and wants to plan stuff". The fact that she asked me if she could be my MOH makes me feel like she just wants it for the title and for herself, not to be there for me. ALSO, just recently, she took it upon herself to tell one of my friends who asked who was in my wedding party that she will probably be in my wedding and so will the girl who was asking her. I HAVENT ASKED ANYONE YET! She also told me that I should probably hurry up and ask people to be my BMs and she told me when I should do it.
Im just frustrated because this is MY wedding and I have until October of 2010 to do things. She is one of my closests friends, but I cant help but have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she will end up causing more drama than good through the whole process.
If I ask her to be my MOH, I am afraid she will make decisions that are not her own to make, and say one thing to me and then tell other people something else.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN CHOOSING MY MOH?!?!?!

SarahPLiz · December 2009

1- You don't have to have an MOH. There is no reason if you aren't super-close to any of your BMs.

2- If you don't want her opinion, don't discuss wedding things with her. Change the subject. Tell her whatever she is asking about has already been decided.

3- You could be mean and tell her you already chose your bridal party. And then not explicitly tell her she' s not in it. Just let the awkeard silnce begin. But I'm mean like that.

4- Seriously, you don't have to choose your wedding party on anyone's timeline but your own. Keep her in check about making promises to other people about your wedding. That is not her place and you need to be very firm in telling her that.

5- It sounds like she is making your relationship rocky. If the first 3 or 4 suggestions don't help, then your relationship may not last until you pick your WP, so you won't have to worry about her.

One last thing.. If she is so set on planning something, then she should plan her own wedding. Also, she doesnt have to be MOH to plan anything. Anyone can throw a shower or B-party for you. I have a feeling that even if you don't choose an MOH, she will still want to be directing those.

mbcdefg · December 2009

MOH should be your closest friend. It's also O.K. to have a guy as your Honor Attendant, if you have a brother or male friend who is your absolute closest friend.

MOH should be an instant decision. It's not based on who will help you plan the most, who lives the closest to you, who you've known longer, who asks for it ... the MOH is your dearest friend, and it ought to be a snap decision when you close your eyes and think about who fits that bill.

If you cannot name your dearest friend right away, it's perfectly fine not to designate a MOH. Just call them all Bridesmaids. Their only duties are things like holding the bouquet, straightening your train for the ceremony, holding the ring, signing the license, maybe giving a toast, so you can divvy up all those things if you wish.

As for showers and a bachelorette, those are gifts that they will give you if they want to ... someone need not have the MOH title to plan it if she wishes. Ditto for helping you plan - anyone who wants to volunteer may do so.

And you don't have to include this girl in your wedding if you don't want to. She's not automatically a bridesmaid, let alone MOH, just because she shoehorned herself in there. Because if she's this pushy and annoying NOW, just wait until if you actually DO ask her to be a bridesmaid. Honestly, I think I'd rather not ask her and lose the friendship than put up with her trying to push you around. If you're not really good friends, then IMO I would not ask her and save yourself a few months of headache. But if you DO want to ask her ... like PP said, be VERY firm from the get-go that this is YOUR wedding and YOU will plan it, and do not let her push you around. Nip this in the bud right away by not talking wedding with her if you can avoid it, and if you must talk weddings with her then keep it short, to-the-point, and firmly say that you have it taken care of when she tries to push a decision on you.

CTGirl30 · December 2009

If you haven't asked anyone yet, you have plenty of time to think this over carefully. And I think all of the girls on the WP board would agree that chosing a WP is definately somethign to think over carefully!

8 BMs is ALOT, in my opinion. That's 8 people to buy gifts for, coordinate finding attire for (not that everyone has to wear the same dress - they do not, but the more people makes things more complicated in general). Keep in mind that you don't have to ask everyone you know and you don't have to ask people because they might EXPECT to be asked. Go with your heart and think about who your close friends are whom you would like to honor by asking - not by who might help plan the most or throw the best parties (it is your and FI's job to plan your wedding and no bride is guarenteed a party - that's a nicety if BMs can do that but not a requirement).

Your friend is exhibiting very poor manners by assuming and by putting pressure on you by being vocal about it. I had a friend who did this when I was in the process of considering which of my friends to ask. I didn't appreciate the added pressure and I really thought very hard about who I asked. She did end up being one of my BMs but I didn't ask her because she expected to be in the WP, that is for sure.

When it comes to choosing your MOH, ask the person who is closest to you and whom you would consider your best friend. If you cannot choose 1 person out of your friends, it is perfectly fine to skip the MOH designation and have everyone simply be "attendants" or "bridesmaids" (same thing). I have 4 BMs and couldn't chose 1 person to be MOH since they are all close, long-term friends of mine. Therefore no one is MOH and everyone is a BM.

Ignore your friends' comments - they are simply her own speculations. Even if she's telling people "Oh, I bet WhitneyAliceAUD will ask you to be in her wedding!" it doesn't mean you have to ask people. Know what I mean?

jeannigirl · December 2009

I have to so agree with these girls their right. This girl is beyond pushy. I would just tell her that you are not going to choose anyone at this point and put a stop to this talk.

I think if she wants to be so bold into putting herself in that place I would be just has bold and tell her that I have not asked her to take that role. You would appreciate her not to put herself there.

You appreciate that she is wanting to help and you will keep that in mind, however this is yours and FI's wedding to plan. Thanks so far for the different ideas. Gl and from that point on change the subject and if she does ask about things just tell her things are going along at the rate you feel comfortable with. Change the subject.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

Don't chose an MOH. I'm only having BMs.

Also consider how expensive and how much of a pain in the butt it might be to have 8 BMs before you ask. You can't un-ask once it's done.

Really, you don't need to chose BMs until about 5-6 months before the wedding, so you can coordinate attire. Don't listen to those who tell you otherwise.

blackfire5th · December 2009

Ditto PP. Just have them all as bm and have the person standing closest to you hold your bouquet or have your Mom come up and hold it.

I would order your bm so that this friend is not standing next to you. I think you are right, she sounds like too much drama and I thinik if you had her stand in the MOH spot, she would go around telling everyone that she was the unofficial MOH, etc.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

"Friend, we've decided that we're not actually asking anyone to be in the wedding until we get much closer, because there's really nothing for them to do this far out. Have you tried the bean dip? It's excellent."

Stop talking wedding with her, and if she brings it up, change the subject and don't let her change it back. We call that "bean dipping" around these parts, it's highly effective. (And apparently hilarious when you refer to actual bean dip when there's none around.) Take control of the conversation and keep it.

Keep her on a strictly need-to-know basis about the wedding. I found that my MOH was taking the reins a bit too much (helpful at first when I didn't know what I wanted, not so helpful now that I've got everything figured out), so I basically only go to her with the things that have already been decided. Works wonders.

Cant choose my MOH!!!

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