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Hurt

jennchris2011jennchris2011
First Comment
in Gay Weddings
I am very upset about something that happened recently. I am not sure if I am overreacting or not. My parents are very religious. They do not approve of gay marriage or being gay in general. They have recently in the last two years, become involved in an evangelical church and are more religious than usual. They are coming to our wedding but I know they do not approve. They have said that they love me and support me, just not my lifestyle. They also love my partner and tell her she is part of the family and treat her as such. A few days ago, my dad had something posted on his facebook page. I clicked on it and it was an antigay marriage organization with a petition to president Obama asking for his support. Needless to say I was shocked that my dad had "liked" this group and I am sure sent his petition in. Just that he had something right there on his page, opposed to something very important to me was a huge slap in the face. I am getting married on Oct 1st and he obviously feels pretty strongly opposed to it! I do not know what to do about this. My parents listen to my details of the wedding but don't say much. They have assured me that they will be there. It is important to me that they are there. I just don't want people that are obviously not fully in support of us to be there and not supportive of what we are doing that day. Should I say something to them, write a letter? I just don't know....Has anyone had this situation and how did you handle it? I would love to hear from others who have had this situation. Thanks!
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Re: Hurt

  • KarenArnoldMaineKarenArnoldMaine member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    omg. this is very hurtful. even to read. i am so sorry for you. i know of friends who have been in similar situations but it was never taken that far. that is like a slap in the face behind your back.
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  • sustotsustot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can feel your pain.  I have been (and currently am) in the same boat as you.  My parents love me and my partner of 15 years and get rather upset when she does not come with me to family events...because she is part of the family.  However, they have made it perfectly clear they do not support gay marriage due to their religious beliefs.  They are going to be at our wedding and listen and give input (but only when asked) about details.  It pains me greatly and I'm not normally an emotional person, but the closer our date gets, the more emotional I get about this subject.  I did have a conversation with them, it was over a year ago...it was not pretty, but it gave each of us an opportunity to share our feelings and at times each of our feelings got hurt.  Sometimes the truth does that.  In the end, I was glad I talked to them.  I told them I wasn't asking them to support gay rights or gay marriage, I was simply asking them to support me and my happiness and that was all they wanted anyway - for me to be happy.
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  • daisywithakdaisywithak member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you're going through this because I know it's so hard.  My parents also are against gay marriage, and my mother will claim it's on a religious basis even though they're not religious.  Sadly there's not a good way to handle this.  My mom and I had a conversation where I told her how much it hurts that they act the way they do, and it has helped, but we basically just had to come to an agreement that they're never going to approve and I'm ok with that.  My mom said that they will be at our wedding even though they don't approve, and I told her that I'm ok if she doesn't come because I want people that support and love us there.  I think that was a bit of a wake up call for her and she's really tried to be more supportive lately.  I hear you saying that it's very important to you that your parents are there, but I also think it's important that you let them know how much they're hurting you.  Make sure they know that you understand and respect their viewpoint, but that the fact that they are actively looking to oppose your lifestyle is hurtful.  Sometimes just letting your feelings out will help, even though they won't change the situation.
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  • 2dBride2dBride member
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    edited December 2011
    I think the real question is whether, given your parents' attitude, you want them in your life at all.  If you do, I would invite them.  It is amazing how seeing the actual ceremony can help people accept--on an emotional as opposed to strictly rational basis--the importance of your marriage to you.  So seeing the ceremony may actually help.  And not inviting them at all to something this major would create a further rift that will be hard to overcome.

    This is not to say that I would judge you if you decided you didn't want them in your life.  That is a decision only you could make.  I am only suggesting that if you do want them in your life, keeping them out of your wedding is not a good approach.
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  • dupontrldupontrl
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is really sad and unfortunate that you have to go through this. I have a similary situation in that I had a conversation with my mother recently and asked if she would come to the wedding and she said no. It definitely hurt. But I take comfort in knowing that someone that hateful and spiteful of my happiness wont be there to rain on my day.

    Parents are important, but when they dont find your happiness important, how important could they really be? In the end, the fact that you are happy is all that matters. I hope you come to a conclusion soon.
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  • indiemusicluvindiemusicluv
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can definitely relate. After I asked my sister to be my maid of honor, which she accepted, she posted on  fb she didn't approve of gay marriage. It is hurtful. I'm still up in the air if she's even going to be in my wedding! As far as the parents go, that's a tough decision. You want everyone in your wedding and at your wedding to fully support and accept you because after all it's your big day! You have a tough decision to make! I wish you the best of luck!! Keep us posted!
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I too agree that there is no right way to handle this, and too am sad to hear you're going through this. I know that if my sister married her partner, my parents would be nothing short of supportive. You and your partner have to really think about this and figure out what's right for you. A wedding is a huge life changing event.
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  • sarabear75sarabear75
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    edited December 2011

    I may be out of line here but i think you are being completely unreasonable. Your parents say they love and are going to be at your wedding and they accept your partner even though they dont belive in gay marriage. they seem like amazing parents that they are accept of the lifestyle that you chose to lead when they believe it is wrong. .I think you shouldnt pressure them into anything they are not comfortable with and you should be grateful they love you and your spouse.....

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  • MzrileyMzriley member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I too am going thru this with parents and friends...so we decided to elope...just so we aren't worried!  Im not saying its the right thing to do, but no one understands more than someone who is in the same situation...I am so worried about who would actually come, would they be happy for us, and more, and I don't even know why.  The day is about us, no one else.  So this way i'm not worried about how people are looking at us.  If someone is true and supportive then that is what they are, and setting aside what they think, feel, and even an attitude means the world.

    My parents are clearly mad, you can tell in their voices, and even tho they say they will come, its not going to be like a straight couples wedding.  So i'm not bothering with it. We are still doing save the date cards, just without the destination.  Then we are going to Vancouver, British Columbia, for a private ceremony.  We will make a website with all the photos and videos so they can be apart of it as well.  Hun, you have to be happy, thats all that matters!  In the end, i'm not going to be on my death bed wishing I would of lived MY life more instead of regretting that I let my family and friends decide my life.  Only you answer for your sins and I don't believe God will deny us because we love someone of the same sex! Kiss
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  • roandkatroandkat member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I know the exact drama you are dealing with. My mother is also uber religious and coming from a southern very conservative background. I just broke the news to her last week that my girlfriend and I are getting married. Needless to say, she did not say that she would come because I don't expect her too, but she did say that she would continue to pray for me and my now fiancee to turn away from our wrong doing. All I can say is, continue to love and support your parents even if they don't support you. It is going to break my heart into a million pieces to not have the presence and the love and support of my mother on my wedding day, but that is just something that I will have to deal with and she is missing out on one of the happiest days of my life.
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