Deleting

akitty0543 · March 2012

Thank you to everyone who replied, I appreciate your feedback. I've come to some desicions about what I should do in the matter, and would like to take the post down. Since there is no option to delete, I am left with this.

fjw2012 · March 2012

You need to tell this to your fiance. He is the man you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life with and you need to be able to talk to him about things like this. If you are sensing he is not ready yet, you need to tell him that. You also need to tell him that you are dissappointed with your proposal and ring, it will most certainly hurt his feelings, but I'm sure he will want to redo it and make you happy if he really loves you. Bottom line honesty and open communication are the basis of any good relationship, tell him how you feel, it's the only way to make things better.

julib33 · March 2012

Wow.
First of all, you definitely need to talk to him and tell him that it seems like he isn't ready and that you should wait. This would also give him a chance to have a do over.
Secondly, tell him the ring isn't really what you were expecting. My fiance had me pick out a ring over a year ago. I loved it! he propsed 2 weeks ago with a completely different ring, it was yellow gold and I told him numerous times I wanted white. So, we went in and had the band change to white gold. While it isn't what I had originally picked out I now love it.
I also told him to wait until AFTER I graduated to propse. I don't graduate for another week... So needless to say it wasn't how I wanted it to be. But in retrospect I love it! At first I was disappointed (just a little) but I love him SO much that I realized the proposal wasn't what mattered; it was that I was finally going to marry the man of my dreams.
I should note though that he did actually propse and I was completely surprised (and happy).
I understand where you're coming from though; you should talk to him. Tell him that YOU aren't sure about it now that he's acting differently. Tell him that you want to tell your future kids and grandkids about how romantic it was when he proposed, and that the way he did it won't make for a very good story

akitty0543 · March 2012

No offense Lucy, but that's really presumptuous of you. I didn't need him to take me to Paris or anything, but just something as simple as taking me to one of our favorite restaurants (or even making me dinner) and surprising me. All I really wanted was an experience that made me teary eyed and that was memorable for me (I never needed something to share on youtube). I'm a sentimental person and little things like that make me happy and mean a lot to me. I think your assumptions are kind of ridiculous, and make you sound a little bitter towards other women (specifically a few on this board).

What I wanted was for him to surprise me and put thought into the way he proposed and the ring he bought. I really don't see how that qualifies as "too many requirements"... It would be one thing if I expected him to magically know what was important to me and abide by it without me saying anything, but I did tell him and he knew this was important to me.

It's one thing to say that I should just be happy he asked me, and that's what I was asking about when I asked if my expectations were too high. But making all of these assumptions about me, and saying things like "I really wonder what kind of proposal would have been good enough for you" is just rude.

Lastly, *he* said he wanted to get married this November. I said that was fine, and started looking at stuff for our wedding (which I need to do if we're going to get married that soon), which upset him. When I realized that it was upsetting him *I* suggested we move our date back...

calliopeia2013 · March 2012

Here's a few thoughts from someone who generally agrees with Lucy about the rise of fancy proposals and high proposal expectations being a bad thing, but also thinks that you're not entirely in the wrong here.

What concerns me isn't, in itself, that he didn't surprise you, or take you out to dinner, or do anything fancy (in fact, my proposal was a lot like yours, except that it was exactly what I wanted and my FI knew that). There's nothing wrong with simple proposals in themselves. But I think in your place I would be concerned by the communication problems this all reveals in your relationship. Either he doesn't listen to you very well, or you didn't communicate something obviously really important you very well, or some combination of the two. Or, worst possible world, he doesn't really care what you think very much. Either way, big red flag, and I think you might be very, very right to be concerned that he's not ready/rushing into things. I actually can't tell from your post whether your expectations were too high- as a guideline, expecting a proposal in skywriting is too much; expecting nothing more than that it be a surprise is not too much.

Either way, there's still a communication fail.

I also really, really don't want to sound overly materialistic or anything, but I WOULD be a little bit concerned about the ring- again, not because it wasn't fancy, but because the way he bought it suggests that he doesn't put a lot of thought into major purchases. I would find that really troubling in someone I was going to marry- not because I expect to have the nicest things all the time, but because if I'm going to be sharing finances with someone, I want to know that they care about value for what they buy, because that's just responsible purchasing. Let's say his budget was $200 for the ring- fine, but it doesn't look at all like he looked into getting good value for his $200. And that worries me not because it's "cheap," but because it reflects a red flag as far as responsible spending/financial management goes.

And honestly, it's also a red flag that he was that stressed out about things, because getting engaged to a person you are ready to marry shouldn't feel like a chore or evoke feelings of panic, you know?

I really think what you need to do is tell your FI that you really feel like he's not ready, and that means you're not ready either, and that you want to put your engagement on hold until you've gone to counseling, figured out your communication problems, talked about money, talked about commitment, talked about expectations, etc. And then do that.

RamonaFlowers · March 2012

I agree with Lucy (Who really isn't being "bitter" here). I think telling a guy "I want my proposal to be special and bring tears to my eyes" is putting a lot of pressure on a guy, especially if it's a guy that doesn't normally do things like that.

When we discussed getting engaged, I totally admit to telling DH "I don't care how you do it, I just want to know that 5 minutes of thought went into it". Even with him being typically awesome when it comes to romantic surprises, he admitted after the fact that me saying that really scared him, because he felt like whatever he did wouldn't be "good enough" for me. He knew that I really didn't want anything other than to know that he really thought about what proposing meant to our relationship (That he was ready to marry me), and even still, some panic switch flipped in his head convincing him no matter what he did, it wouldn't be right.

It honestly sounds like your FI felt the same kind of pressure and just snapped under it. It was probably hard enough on him to do things the way that he did, asking him to redo it is not only mean, but it will just make him feel worse about how it went down the first time.

redheadfsu · March 2012

I agree with Lucy, as usual.

OP you put WAY too much pressure on the poor guy. I knew about the ring, was involved in picking it out, and the proposal wasn't really a surprise as I knew he was going to do it that week- and my marriage is not only valid, it is great. Remember you are in the real world and what matters is you are going to marry the love of your life. No one gives a rat's ass how he proposed. The fact that he did propose is what is important, not how he did it.

And if you don't like the ring, upgrade on your one year (or five or ten year) wedding anniversary with something that you do love.

mandi921vh · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:3be238db-7da0-484b-8c31-fb800598657a">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed : I don't see how I'm being presumptuous. You posted your story on the internet, inviting comment. I didn't say that you , specifically, wanted a "YouTube" proposal. I was talking about the current thinking that seems to be more and more prevalent lately. I'm interested in knowing exactly who you meant when you said that I'm bitter toward other women, specifically a few on this board. Specifically who are they, exactly? I truly can't think of anyone for whom I feel any bitterness at the moment, and certainly none on The Knot. I don't feel any bitterness for you, although you seem to have read that into my response to your post. When you told your fiance that you wanted a proposal that would leave you teary-eyed, did you tell him exactly what that meant? Most men would need more guidance than that. Did he have any way of knowing that just the words themselves wouldn't be enough to coax out the tears? Did you give him examples of proposal settings that you'd enjoy? <strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#ff0000">A lot of men are pretty clueless about what women find romantic.</font></strong> I haven't made any assumptions about you. Your post was lengthy and detailed, and didn't leave much room for assuming anything. The only conclusion I came to is the same one you wondered about yourself -- that your expectations were too high. And I did truly wonder what kind of proposal would have been good enough for you, since you gave no concrete examples of what you had in mind. Try not to read an antagonistic tone into a stranger's words on your computer screen. Seriously. Go back and read my post again, but leave out whatever attitude you incorrectly inferred. Just read the words. They mean only what they say, nothing more.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

<div>FI thinks he is being romantic when he takes out the trash, and scoops the litter box. I think he is being romantic when he surprises me with a sticky love note, or my favorite candy. Men have no idea what women find romantic unless you talk about it. </div>

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:055f1c46-9242-4b94-9691-421f48af4675">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed : FI thinks he is being romantic when he takes out the trash, and scoops the litter box. I think he is being romantic when he surprises me with a sticky love note, or my favorite candy. Men have no idea what women find romantic unless you talk about it.
Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]

SO TRUE!! I 100% agree with this (even the candy thing, FI does it for me all the time).

OP, These ladies have great advice, no one was nearly as harsh on you as I would have expected. You need to open up the lines of communication with your FI and think about holding off on getting married until you do.

blgrout · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:055f1c46-9242-4b94-9691-421f48af4675">Re: Disappointed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed : FI thinks he is being romantic when he takes out the trash, and scoops the litter box. I think he is being romantic when he surprises me with a sticky love note, or my favorite candy. Men have no idea what women find romantic unless you talk about it.
Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]

If my FI scooped out the litter box, it would really, truly make my day.

I agree with the majority consensus here that your disappointment isn't really about the proposal itself, but more about the communication issues between you and your FI. If the two of you want to be married, then that's all that really matters. You can always upgrade your ring later if you're not happy with it (or if it falls apart), and even if your proposal wasn't what you envisioned, doesn't mean that you guys can't have a long happy marriage together, as long as you work out your communication issues.

GrayceandDanger · March 2012

Gosh this sounds like my first Valentines Day with my fiance. I was so excited at the idea of having a "Valentine" on valentines day that unintentially I ended up putting too much pressure on my now fiance. I had dreamed up all these wonderful amaizing things (not expensive or anything like that) that he might do for me to make me feel special and it turned into the entire week leading up and right up to the morning of Valentines Day my fiance (boyfriend at the time) stressing and complaining right to me about not having any clue what to get me or do...than I was just totally disappointed bc it cast such a negative shadow over the day bc he was so stressed about it and all I wanted was him to put some thought into something....even if it was as simple as a mushy card! He kept saying he had no idea what to get me and it turned out valentines day and he still hadnt even gotten me anything (I kept thinking when he said that o he will just figure it out). Pretty sure I cried Valentines Day morning that year.

I look back at it now and can totally see how what I did and said was a bit unfair to him and it did have a lot to do with communication..I was saying I wanted something special but he had no idea at that point what would be special for me so it just freaked him out even more and the entire thing crashed and burned.
Now its 3 years later and we have come a loooong way since than and I realize he needs a bit more guidance in things like that and he realized he needs to ask more questions as well.

It don't think you need to call it quits or think this is the end of your relationship all together- but it does not sound like you are not ready and need some major communication work before marriage. We truly had to take a step back, look at our communication and put al ot of work into it. Now things are amazing and because he better understands (because I tell him) what I want he is happy and enjoy doing those special things for me (last Anniversary I woke up, got ready for work, was getting ready to walk out the door and he said guess what...I called your boss you have off with me today and he took me on a dolphin watching dinner cruise).

I'm so sorry the proposal was such a downer. I can totally relate to your feelings and dissappointment when you visualize something special and it just does not turn out to be that....it sounds like he was and is overwhelmed.

DiLynn83 · March 2012

It sounds to me like her FI literally walked in the door and handed OP the ring. Like, "Here ya go." For what it's worth, (and if in fact that is exactly what happened) I think OP's within her rights to be underwhelmed by that lame, half-assed proposal of marriage.

jjolovich · March 2012

My fi didnt tell me he was buying the ring, but he walked in while i was doing dishes and he got down on one knee and proposed, having to have these huge surprise proposals arn't necessary, IMO. You should be thrilled that you are engaged to the man you love who cares "how he did it"

jmleejohnson · March 2012

I'm sorry, this whole wall post is ridic I just want to throw in my two cents!

I think it is personally offensive to your fiance that you were all "it doesn't matter how much the ring is, I don't need anything expensive" and then complaining because he spent ONLY 200 dollars?! Do you even understand all the things I could do with an extra 200 bucks in my pocket?!

That it all.

Mandafly84 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:9cce24eb-4d32-4837-9f8c-9baaf6c206bb">Re: Deleting</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, this whole wall post is ridic I just want to throw in my two cents! I think it is personally offensive to your fiance that you were all "it doesn't matter how much the ring is, I don't need anything expensive" and then complaining because he spent ONLY 200 dollars?! Do you even understand all the things I could do with an extra 200 bucks in my pocket?! That it all.
Posted by jmleejohnson[/QUOTE]

<div>OP never complained that he spent "only 200 dollars;" she merely expressed concern over the quality of the ring. She seemed worried that he didn't get high enough quality for what he DID spend.</div>

akitty0543 · March 2012

To the people who have claimed that I was too vague: I was pretty detailed to him about what I wanted as far as an engagement ring and proposal went. I told him that the proposal didn't need to be elaborate, just something romantic like taking me out to dinner or a date to go paddle boating or something sweet and simple like that, and that I wanted it to be a surprise. As far as the ring went I told him that I did not care about price, but I did care about quality and sentimentality. I told him I wanted something that would last for a very long time, as I would want to keep it for the rest of my life and not have to replace it.

I didn't give him ultra specific directions such as, "I want to be taken to this place, at this time of day, etc. etc." because I wanted him to have room to be creative and put thought into how he wanted to ask me. Though, I *did* specifically tell him that I didn't want him to just straight up give me the ring when he got it.

What upset me is that I was pretty detailed about the things that mattered to me, and he ignored ALL of it. He even got me a gold ring after I had told him multiple times that I did not want a gold ring. It made me feel like he was being very thoughtless about it, and that he was ignoring things that were important to me. Furthermore, from the fact that he ignored just about everything I wanted in a ring (and bought one of the least expensive rings in the store) I feel like he went in and just bought one of the cheapest things he could find. That isn't upsetting to me because of how much he spent (he could have given me a plain engraved whitegold band for that price and I would have been completely happy--and yes, I told him that), it's upsetting to me because of how much thought and care he put into getting me something I plan on wearing for the rest of my life.

DiLynn83: Yeah, that's pretty close to what happened. He *was* excited about getting it, but the proposal basically went like this

Him: "Do you want to see the ring I bought?"

Me: "What? Do you want to give it to me now??"

Him: "Yeah. Here. Will you marry me?"

*hands me box*

It did feel underwhelming.

At this point I really don't know that I can tell him, or at least I don't see the point. I think a redo proposal seems a little silly. There would be no point in telling him I dislike my ring. I know it would only serve to hurt his feelings, which I really don't want to do. I can't replace it as getting a new ring would be weird, especially for the fact that all of our family/friends have seen it and they would ask why I had a new ring. Also, I'm concerned my mother in law wouldn't be too happy with me if all of the sudden I started sporting a new ring, and it's important to me to stay on good terms with her.

redheadfsu · March 2012

Which is why I think every woman should help pick out the ring, so things like this don't happen. Surprises are over rated.

HairSprayDoll · March 2012

F%CK that! WHAT is WRONG with you women? Making memories does not have to be expensive, it does not have to be stressful, it just has to have meaning. It could be a picnic on top of a romantic hill and him expressing how much you mean to him capped off with a lovely proposal. There is nothing wrong with putting effort into life, and if the proposal was important to YOU it should have been important to HIM. You are not crazy. You are not over reacting. You will be proposed to ONCE and i agree with the idea that you can ask for a re-do. What IS unreasonable would be FAKING emotion about the proposal you received for the rest of your life which some women are CRAZY enough to suggest! Just to reiterate, THAT'S CRAZY! And this is a really good post, as you can tell, it garnered strong reactions.

redheadfsu · March 2012

What if asking for a redo ends the relationship? Which is possible. And has happened on these boards. We may be "crazy" but I think the perfect relationship is more important than a prefect proposal.

Amt2109 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:b13b1ffa-0a9d-44fb-b595-9a9061b80b39">Re:Deleting</a>:
[QUOTE]What if asking for a redo ends the relationship? Which is possible. And has happened on these boards. We may be "crazy" but I think the perfect relationship is more important than a prefect proposal.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

This. While I agree that his proposal probably wasn't all you'd built up in your head... maybe he was just overwhelmed.

Our proposal wasn't really overwhelming either... we were just kissing and cuddling and suddenly he just stopped, looked at me and asked me. He'd been waiting til he had the ring but then I guess he didn't want to wait any longer.

And is it a little odd to tell people we were in bed and he asked me? Maybe. But I wouldn't have gone back and asked for a redo. We're still married, y'know?

HairSprayDoll · March 2012

"We may be "crazy" but I think the perfect relationship is more important than a prefect proposal." No sh!t. That's pretty obvious, and no one would disagree. Now back to the actual topic being discussed. I am going to recommend something that i would only ever agree to in your case. Ask him to upgrade your diamond. A reliable and reputable resource would be www.bluenile.com . Tell your fiance how you feel about the ring and the proposal so that when he gets the ring back he can actually propose to you! This way if you want to keep your wedding date, you can do so and be back on track.
OR (And I like this one better)
Since the words "Will you . . . " were actually never spoken, you have more of a promise ring, not actually an engagement ring. There was no question, no answer, no proposal. And to validate, yes, it was selfish of him to call you from the jewelry store, and yes, he could have spent more considering you spent $500 on his birthday present. Lovely rings at a great price can be found at www.designsbyknr.com . And if his mother knows him, she can tell he is stressed by the whole situation, and would be relieved by a 'promise ring' period (a longer engagement). I wish you two health, wealth, and happiness, and hope your not brought down by some of the comments on this post. A proposal is one of the most important questions you will ever be asked, and your feelings should have been taken into consideration.

Amt2109 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:77fe7bd6-5e4c-40ef-b113-b8ee08cbfd55">Re: Deleting</a>:
[QUOTE]"<strong>Since the words "Will you . . . " were actually never spoken</strong>, you have more of a promise ring, not actually an engagement ring. There was no question, no answer, no proposal. And to validate, yes, it was selfish of him to call you from the jewelry store, and yes, he could have spent more considering you spent $500 on his birthday present. Lovely rings at a great price can be found at <a href="http://www.designsbyknr.com" rel="nofollow">www.designsbyknr.com</a> . And if his mother knows him, she can tell he is stressed by the whole situation, and would be relieved by a 'promise ring' period (a longer engagement). I wish you two health, wealth, and happiness, and hope your not brought down by some of the comments on this post. A proposal is one of the most important questions you will ever be asked, and your feelings should have been taken into consideration.
Posted by HairSprayDoll[/QUOTE]

OP says they were:
<div>Him: "Do you want to see the ring I bought?"</div><div>Me: "What? Do you want to give it to me now??"</div><div>Him: "Yeah. Here. Will you marry me?"</div><div>*hands me box*

Look, it's not about the money spent on the ring. I liked the $90 rings when we went shopping (which H wouldn't agree to). You can get engaged with a ring from Walmart, for pete's sake.

Life isn't some romantic fairy tale where guys always do and say the right thing - far from it - but that doesn't mean you can just shiit on what they do do for you. I'm not saying he shouldn't have been a bit more considerate or put more thought into it. But the lady is engaged. Sometimes things you just have to let go.

OP, do you really love this guy? Want to be his wife? Want to be with him always? Is this usual behaviour for him or do you think it was a one off?

Have your feelings. It's ok to feel a little disappointed. Your life together, however, is more than that one moment.

</div>

redheadfsu · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_disappointed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:78b6b267-9c45-41e6-bf6a-08b0951baa6fPost:77fe7bd6-5e4c-40ef-b113-b8ee08cbfd55">Re: Deleting</a>:
[QUOTE]"We may be "crazy" but I think the perfect relationship is more important than a prefect proposal." No sh!t. That's pretty obvious, and no one would disagree. Now back to the actual topic being discussed. I am going to recommend something that i would only ever agree to in your case. Ask him to upgrade your diamond. A reliable and reputable resource would be <a href="http://www.bluenile.com" rel="nofollow">www.bluenile.com</a> . Tell your fiance how you feel about the ring and the proposal so that when he gets the ring back he can actually propose to you! This way if you want to keep your wedding date, you can do so and be back on track. OR (And I like this one better) Since the words "Will you . . . " <strong>were actually never spoken, you have more of a promise ring, not actually an engagement ring. There was no question, no answer, no proposal</strong>. And to validate, yes, it was selfish of him to call you from the jewelry store, and yes, he could have spent more considering you spent $500 on his birthday present. Lovely rings at a great price can be found at <a href="http://www.designsbyknr.com" rel="nofollow">www.designsbyknr.com</a> . And if his mother knows him, she can tell he is stressed by the whole situation, and would be relieved by a 'promise ring' period (a longer engagement). I wish you two health, wealth, and happiness, and hope your not brought down by some of the comments on this post. A proposal is one of the most important questions you will ever be asked, and your feelings should have been taken into consideration.
Posted by HairSprayDoll[/QUOTE]

FFS. You are saying she isn't engaged?

That will go over well with her I guess 'boyfriend'. Great advice...to make her single.

catrb933 · March 2012

This whole thread is kind of surprising to me. I'm not sure why most women are reacting so negatively to this post. A lot of you mentioned how your proposals were simple - you were cuddling on the couch and he proposed - and comparing it to this girl's situation. There is a difference between that and having the box practically chucked at you on the way in the door.
I do think she should have assisted with what kind of ring she wanted. I know that can definitely be overwhelming if there isn't much guidance (or perhaps in her case, too much conflicting guidance?).

Smooch711 · March 2012

"This whole thread is kind of surprising to me. I'm not sure why most women are reacting so negatively to this post. A lot of you mentioned how your proposals were simple - you were cuddling on the couch and he proposed - and comparing it to this girl's situation. There is a difference between that and having the box practically chucked at you on the way in the door."

Exactly this.

However, I do agree with some PP about the communication factor. I would address it with your fiance. Something needs to be said. You can't harbor those feelings without anything bad coming from them. I wouldn't suggest a "re-do," but he needs to know how this is affecting you and your view towards him (IF it's changed.) Good luck and positive vibes to you, akitty.

GrayceandDanger · March 2012

looking at OP others posts on other boards it looks like there are more relationship issues that need working on besides just communication and a problem with proposal. I think you need to take a step back..possibly look into some relationship counseling before marriage to make sure you both are ready for this long term commitment. Sounds like if drastic changes are not made you may be setting yourself up for much more dissappointment than this proposal flop.

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