How am I supposed to plan a party?

klastman · May 2012

Hi, I'm the MOH in my friends wedding, and I'm trying to plan her upcoming parties (engagement, shower, bachelorette, etc).

The problem is, I don't have a guest list from her or even her list of other BM's. She won't do anything as far as planning still, so I'm really at a loss here. I don't see how I'm supposed to do the planning for this without help from the other girls.

So, my question is, do I enlist the girls I think she'll ask, and invite the people I think she'll want at her wedding? I know this girl really well (probably even better than her and her FI combined lol), so I don't need anyone telling me that I won't know for sure until she gives me the lists.

LP11509 · May 2012

It sounds like she may not even have a wedding guest list finalized/started yet. I would wait it out a bit before planning anything. When is her wedding?

klastman · May 2012

The actual wedding is next July

Meegles4 · May 2012

You don't have a list of BMs or a guest list because your friend isn't getting married for over a year. You posted about this a day or two ago.

Let your friend be. She's not even supposed to pick a WP this far out. And showers and other pre-wedding events don't need to be planned this far out. They happen a month or two before the wedding. Which means you probably have a good 6-8 months before you need to get rolling because your friend isn't getting married until July 2013.

ETA: Dear God, please DO NOT start planning something using assumptions of who she might ask to be in the WP or who she might invite to the wedding. If you do that, YOU'LL end up looking bad when you've invited people she wasn't planning to invite to the wedding.

klastman · May 2012

I don't see why at least throwing an engagement party at this point is a problem, except for the fact that I don't have anyone or anything to plan with.

UKgal321 · May 2012

Don't ASSume you know who the bride wants to invite. Do you even know if she wants all these parties? At this point she hasn't even told you who the other BMs are. You need to speak to her and let her know she needs to give you a guest list before you can start planning. Don't forget you need to double check the dates with your Bride. She's the guest of honor and if she doesn't show up you don't have a party.

laurenclaire1386 · May 2012

You won't know for sure until she gives you the lists.

Meegles4 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:0d4ae0ce-abfb-4c3b-bec4-68803144d114">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why at least throwing an engagement party at this point is a problem, except for the fact that I don't have anyone or anything to plan with.
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

Because your friend doesn't have a guest list for her wedding yet. And people can't be invited to e-parties that aren't invited to the wedding. If you've offered an e-party up to your friend and/or asked for a guest list, and she hasn't given you one, don't harp on her about it. If she wanted it, she'd be giving you a guest list.

UKgal321 · May 2012

The Brides family throws the engagement party not the MOH

LP11509 · May 2012

Treadjack, but LC - your sig is amazing. I wish I could pull of hats like that.

Edit - oops, that should be threadjack.

Meegles4 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:a62791d5-472f-497c-af68-b8cb7f5cc459">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]The Brides family throws the engagement party not the MOH
Posted by UKgal321[/QUOTE]

Anyone can throw an e-party. My old boss threw me one, and a friend of H's threw us one. Our families didn't throw any of them -- nor were they invited frankly. Our parties were smaller and included specific circles of friends that the host wanted to include and that I/we agreed to.

lyndausvi · May 2012

I really get you are excited about your friend's upcoming wedding and it's very generous of you to want to throw a party, but you really need to just chill out a little.

Really.

YES to the following:

Anyone can throw an e-party.

Those invited to the e-party must be invited to the wedding.

lyndausvi · May 2012

Let's try this again.

I get your are excited about your friend's wedding and it's very generous of you to want to throw a party, but you really need to just chill out a little. Really.

And yes anyone can throw an e-party and yes everyone invited must be invited to the wedding.

amys325 · May 2012

Klastman,

Did you not understand what we told you yesterday? The wedding is not for 14 months. You shouldn't have to plan anything this early on. Do not assume who she is going to pick to be in her wedding. You shouldn't have pressured her to pick you to be her MOH.

As I said yesterday, back off. This is not your wedding to plan. Why are you so insistant?

klastman · May 2012

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I appreciate it, but it's just pretty obvious that you guys don't realize the situation, so you really just don't know.

laurenclaire1386 · May 2012

Thanks LP!

And sorry you didn't get the answers you wanted OP, but the fact remains that it's rude to invite people to pre wedding parties if they aren't going to be invited to the wedding. I know you think you absolutely know what the bride's wedding guest list will look like, but on the off chance that you get it wrong, please don't put your friend in the unfortunate position of looking like a jerk because you planned parties without her guestlist.

MNVegas · May 2012

Did you not understand anything that people told you yesterday??

Stop harrassing this poor bride. When she is ready to start planning she will let you know. She and her FI may not even know what type of wedding they want or who they want to invite yet.

Have you even asked them if they want an engagement party? You are really overstepping and if I were the bride I would find your pushiness very annoying. If you continue with this path you could end up losing your good friend.

klastman · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:774cc224-badd-4712-a4b5-9bbc306e0bae">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are real, back the eff off your friend. Her wedding is over a year away. If you are a troll, get a new hobby.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>I honestly just don't get this. This is my BEST FRIEND! Did your MOH not help you with anything? I'm just trying to freaking help her, and I can't really do that by "backing the eff off" now can I?</div>

pkontk · May 2012

What situation? Your friend is getting married in over a year. Its great that you want to start planning parties, but you cannot do so until she has a guest list, because anyone invited to the pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding.

Also, once she chooses the rest of the BP, you can ask if they would like to help but they are not required to help.

MNVegas · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:a3d89d65-6e62-4f3d-bf0d-6c0c7a90d94b">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How am I supposed to plan a party? : I honestly just don't get this. This is my BEST FRIEND! Did your MOH not help you with anything? I'm just trying to freaking help her, and I can't really do that by "backing the eff off" now can I?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>According to your post yesterday, she does NOT want your help yet. Sounds like the only reason she picked you as MOH is because you pestered her so much about it that she said yes just to shut you up.</div><div>
</div><div>Stop harrassing the bride. When she is ready to plan she may or may not ask for your help. If you really value her as a friend then you need to respect boundaries. She does not want your help so leave her alone!! Do you want to lose her as a friend?

</div>

amys325 · May 2012

Klastman, First of all, you appointed yourself MOH, which you shouldn't have done in the first place. Second of all, you have about 8 to 10 months until you would even really begin to plan showers/Bach parties. You obviously do not understand what we are trying to tell you. And I agree with Duds. You are going to lose a friend if you don't back off.

klastman · May 2012

I think it's kinda crappy for you guys to say I'm going to lose her as a friend. I'm not saying that in the whole, "omg you guys are so mean, I feel bad for your husbands" kind of way, but it just seems like a pretty big generalization. I think that happens here a lot. I get how this might look from your end, but you guys just don't know our situation. She's like my sister and I know when she needs my help, even when she doesn't.

rlavach · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:a3d89d65-6e62-4f3d-bf0d-6c0c7a90d94b">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How am I supposed to plan a party? : I honestly just don't get this. This is my BEST FRIEND! <strong>Did your MOH not help you with anything?</strong> I'm just trying to freaking help her, and I can't really do that by "backing the eff off" now can I?
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]
Actually, she didn't. I didn't get an e-party or a bachelorette. I only had a shower because my mom & a family friend organized it. It was totally fine. <div>
</div><div>Like everyone else said, you don't know what her guest list will look like. Even if you know her super well, know all her friends & know everyone she WANTS to invite, that doesn't mean they actually will be invited. What if her budget (which you don't know) doesn't allow. What if her FIL's pay for part of the wedding and want to add their own guests (whom you've never met) and you don't invite them to the e-party. Not the end of the world, but I'm sure they'd like a say in that. There are just too many variables that you can't control without a guest list.</div>

amys325 · May 2012

We can only base our responses on what you type. And what you've typed tells us that you are being an overbearing control freak. If the wedding was THIS July I could understand why you are worried. A ton of brides plan their entire weddings in less than a year.

klastman · May 2012

That's true, I don't necessarily know if she can invite everyone she normally would. Should I ask her parents and FILs if/what they're contributing (okay, that one was a joke!)?

MNVegas · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:65747bc2-d473-420d-bfa4-0f846a584374">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's kinda crappy for you guys to say I'm going to lose her as a friend. I'm not saying that in the whole, "omg you guys are so mean, I feel bad for your husbands" kind of way, but it just seems like a pretty big generalization. I think that happens here a lot. I get how this might look from your end, but you guys just don't know our situation. She's like my sister and <strong>I know when she needs my help, even when she doesn't.</strong>
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are being very disrespectful toward your friend. So you are going to force her to do things she does not want because you think you know her better than she knows herself? Great, you will probably end up ruining her wedding. She probably won't be able to find other bridesmaids because they will not want to deal with your pushy, know it all attitude. This is a disaster in the making all because you think you know what your friend wants/needs. What your friend needs is for you to leave her alone and let her plan her own wedding how ever way she wants. </div><div>
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UKgal321 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-am-i-supposed-to-plan-a-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cb4c406-190a-4f11-9db5-79a4cde3ae64Post:65747bc2-d473-420d-bfa4-0f846a584374">Re: How am I supposed to plan a party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's kinda crappy for you guys to say I'm going to lose her as a friend. I'm not saying that in the whole, "omg you guys are so mean, I feel bad for your husbands" kind of way, but it just seems like a pretty big generalization. I think that happens here a lot. I get how this might look from your end, but <strong>you guys just don't know our situation. She's like my sister and I know when she needs my help, even when she doesn't.</strong>
Posted by klastman[/QUOTE]

<div>You've, presumably, posted here to get our opinions on your situation. So, please don't accuse us of not knowing your situation. You may be taking the "big sister" role and doing "what she needs and not what she wants". THIS is not the time to do it! Allow your bride friend to hash out a plan for her wedding, including pre-wedding parties. Tell her you are there to help anyway and every step of the way. Put yourself in her shoes. When it's your wedding day would you want someone taking over and pressuring you? </div>

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