BM Dilemma

MrsBoldin · December 2009

Ok, so here's my problem. I currently have 4 BM's: 2 MOH's (because I couldn't choose), 1 FI's sister, and 1 cousin. When I asked my cousin, she seemed super excited, but then as time has gone by, and its now getting close to picking the dresses, it's like Poof! I can't get her to go pick dresses and she's all worried that she won't be able to afford her dress. (BTW, I am not choosing something super expensive, at most $130 from Davids Bridal). I told her we could work something out as far as the money. She has never been in a wedding before, which is fine, but I'm not sure if she knew that buying the dress was her responsibility when she said yes. So, I guess what I'm asking, how do you think I should talk to her about this? Also, I'm worried that she will change her mind and it will be too late. I have another cousin, who's son is my ring bearer, who would love to be a BM, and I would've asked, except I thought I should've asked the first one instead. I know the second girl would be a BM in a heartbeat, but I feel like I'm stuck.

mbcdefg · December 2009

Talk to the cousin and ask her what she can afford for a dress. Even if $130 is not a lot of money to you, it may be to her. Ask if she's unhappy with the price and/or style of the dress, and if so then tell her that you'll work something out with her.

Don't ask someone to be a replacement. If you want someone in the wedding, ask her. Your sides do not need to be even. Asking someone to be a replacement is an insult, and leaving someone out from the very beginning in order to have even sides is also an insult.

stina93446 · December 2009

Ditto PP. Do not replace her. That is a huge insult to the original BM and the replacement will KNOW that they are getting a job that wasn't originally theirs.

Did you ask your bms what they could afford? $130 is a lot for a dress that you may not get to wear again. And are you letting them pick out their own dress style? Because id you're picking it out, the wearability goes down some more....not saying that you won't pick an awesome dress. Just saying that everyone has different tastes on what is a slammin' dress.

Your wedding is always going to be more exciting and important to you than anyone else. Remember this always! I am sure she's super happy for you, but she has a life outside your wedding. Try to ask her how SHE'S doing and dont bring up the wedding. She may be more than willing to come out of hiding for a talk about the latest johnny depp movie and who she's dating now. HTH

gottahavashorti · December 2009

Don't replace her. If your ring bearer is on the younger side, your other cousin may very well end up needing to accompany him down the aisle anyhow.

Since you're looking at David's Bridal, just tell her what color you decide and let her find a dress in that color. David's dresses are resold pretty often and she can probably find something in your color and her size. A specific style might be more difficult.

She can check ebay, craigslist, The Knot's Trash to Treasure and Attire boards, Wedding Bee classifieds, maybe even Goodwill and Salvation Army.

Also consider helping her out with the cost beyond what she can afford.

MrsBoldin · December 2009

Thanks girls. I'm going to look at dresses again tomorrow, maybe I can find something that would be easier for everyone. And I'm definitely going to talk to her, but I don't think i could straight up "replace" her.

banana468 · December 2009

It doesn't matter if you'd straight up replace her or do it in a round about way. It's just not nice to do - particularly since it doesn't sound like there's any reason for her to not be a BM.

Instead, talk to her about her overall budget for a dress and start looking from there. At least with places like David's you can find deals on Ebay.

mbcdefg · December 2009

If you want the other cousin to be in the wedding, ask her, regardless of what happens with the cousin in question. It's stupid to leave out a loved one *just* to have even sides.

LauraMosk263 · December 2009

I picked David's Bridal for BM's dresses because of lower cost and more styles. I also like that they offer layaway, if $130 is a bit steep for her, she can pick a dress put down 20% for layaway (about $26 for a $130 dress), that way she has a price friendly option!

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:71c98d73-2511-4308-8429-7f844826741aPost:ad388ab8-3a01-4def-9aed-969f9b141af5">Re: BM Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want the other cousin to be in the wedding, ask her, regardless of what happens with the cousin in question. It's stupid to leave out a loved one *just* to have even sides.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

This, times 1000.

$130 is fairly reasonable for a BM dress, but you have no idea if it is ok for her unless you ask her for her budget before you start shopping. She should be more important to you than a dress.

Like others have suggested, the easiest way to deal with the price thing is to give each of them a color and length and tell them to choose anything they like. That gives her the option of finding something on ebay or elsewhere for a lot cheaper. You can find discontinued DB dresses online for under $50. If you give them the option to choose their own style, your girls have will have better luck saving some $$.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Dresses don't even have to be discontinued from DB to end up on eBay. My sister found her MOH dress for our sister's wedding for $20, and it's a style they still carry. I would encourage her to pick out two or three styles she likes, then start scoping out eBay, Craigslist, the Trash to Treasure board on the Nest, etc. You could also contact a reseller like Pearl's Place or RK Bridal, though I'm not sure if they carry DB.

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