His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.

pesematology · October 2012

His mom is okay, but I'm obviously not what she dreamed for her son. He knows she's got some faults and he loves her, that's great. She doesn't go out of her way to be mean to me, or anything. But I wish I could correct this situation because I think she's got a lot of anxieties about me being with her only son, that don't seem to be based in reality.

She knows I'm young, liberal, and feminist, and I think she extrapolates from that, that I must hate babies, be anti-family, probably thinks I don't like marriage (we haven't told her we're engaged yet, he wants to break the news in person), and, I don't know, that I'm humorless and I hate fun or something. Since I'm usually kind of anxious when she's around I'm sure I don't do much to dispel her image of me as an uptight, "negative" person.

In fact she keeps telling FI that I'm "negative" and she's afraid I'll make him more "negative" but when he presses her for clarification, she's unable to explain what she means or what exactly she's afraid of. She has said that she thinks he's going to stop loving his family and become estranged from his friends, but can't give examples of any behavior of mine or his that provokes this fear. I'm certainly not trying to isolate him, and I go out of my way to attend his family events and try to behave myself and everything. And I get along great with his friends and we have a lot of friends in common.

Any advice on what I can do, not necessarily to get along with her better, but to help her get to know the real me? I think she's an okay person and I want to create a loving famly with her son. How can I help her see I'm nothing to be afraid of?

pesematology · October 2012

I don't really think it's childish for me to care about her feelings and want to help her to feel at ease with her son's life choices. It seems like a mutually beneficial goal. Maybe I just have to wait it out though.

I say "I think" because while she clearly has some concerns that she thinks are important, she has a lot of trouble articulating them. When listening to her, there is frequently some deciphering involved.

mcda04 · October 2012

You need to be the bigger person. Be more welcoming and mature, she’s obviously dealing with “losing” her only son. You have to understand that to most Mothers, we come in to steal their precious little boys and it’s hard for them to understand they have another important woman in their lives. As long as you keep “thinking” your FMIL is talking / doing bad things about you, your relationship will not progress. If she has not told you or done anything to confirm your allegations, let it go, she’ll come around sooner than later. Please understand that we come into their family and they have no obligation to welcome us with open arms, if you really want to show her the real you, then be real with her. Don’t seclude yourself, try to build a relationship with his family, not necessarily with her but I’m sure he has cousins, aunt, uncles.

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-mom-dislikes-the-person-she-imagines-i-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dadb4be3-95c9-49c7-8dad-e86f6d455d8fPost:59dbfb90-025a-4bbf-9957-f2d499dcba4c">Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to be the bigger person. Be more welcoming and mature, she’s obviously dealing with “losing” her only son. You have to understand that to most Mothers, we come in to steal their precious little boys and it’s hard for them to understand they have another important woman in their lives. As long as you keep “thinking” your FMIL is talking / doing bad things about you, your relationship will not progress. If she has not told you or done anything to confirm your allegations, let it go, she’ll come around sooner than later. Please understand that we come into their family and they have no obligation to welcome us with open arms, if you really want to show her the real you, then be real with her. Don’t seclude yourself, try to build a relationship with his family, not necessarily with her but I’m sure he has cousins, aunt, uncles.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

I appreciate this. I do want to be the "bigger person" and I was hoping others might have more specifics about how to do this.

I say she dislikes me and that she has incorrect information about me because she has essentially said so. The times that she has allowed particular misconceptions she had about me to be corrected, she has seemed genuinely surprised.

I'm not trying to win a fight with her, or even to get her approval. I just want to know if anyone has tips on helping her relax so she can be happy. Not happy for me, or about me. Just happy.

You're right that I also need to examine my part more closely. Anyone have advice on overcoming defensiveness in a tense MOG relationship? How can I open myself more to her point of view without taking it too personally?

OliveOilsMom · October 2012

If FI is correcting her misconceptions about you when she brings them up with her son, there isn't much more you can do. She will have to adjust her attitude about you on her own and in her own time. There isn't much you can do to speed up that process. When you are around her, just be your normal self. Without knowing each of you personally, there isn't a specific action that be suggested to help out your situation.

As for trying to help your FMIL be a happy person. That just isn't in the cards for everyone. There are people that just love to complain and make things difficult for others. What is most important is how your FI acts when his mom says things about you, that aren't true. And you said your FI sticks up for you and that is whats most important. Let FI clear up these misconceptions and maybe she will come around.

mcda04 · October 2012

I now have an awesome MIL but it wasn’t the case 10 years ago. Mainly because my point of view was way different and I thought I didn’t NEED to please her and she HAD to accept me. That mentality was completely off, as soon as I changed my behavior, it all began to change. She’s a pretty feisty stern lady so she can be a little intimidating but since I got along great with SIL and his other brothers, it kind of helped her get to know me. Just smile, you’ll be impressed how many people will look at you different. With a simple smile, you automatically become approachable.

Don’t have that “I’m with her son not her” mentality. Yes some MIL’s can be difficult but they’re human and only being protective. Being humble will only make you better. Don’t be submissive if she’s really aggressive and abusive but if it’s a simple case of jealousy or overprotective mother syndrome, it can be cured with time.

pesematology · October 2012

Thanks. These responses helped me see I'm trying to engineer a solution where I should be emoting one. I should probably lead by example: relax, smile, try to stop worrying about how she'll react to me, be more chatty without fear of saying the wrong thing. This has been really helpful.

MairePoppy · October 2012

Do you think there is any merit in what your FMIL is saying? It might be the slightest things that are contributing to FMIL's opinion of you. For example, most couples 'announce' their engagements, in your case you say your Fi 'wants to break the news in person,' as if he has some dreadful thing to tell his mother. Do you see the difference? Maybe, you should practice putting a positive spin on things. Sometimes, it's not what you say, but how you say it.

You also are assuming that your FMIL thinks you are anti-family and hate babies. She didn't say that to you or Fi, right? How do you know what she thinks? A good way to get to know people is to ask them questions about their interests. Show enthusiasm and curiosity about the things she like to talk about.

Your Fil loves you so much that he wants to marry you. That's the important part, but it's a nice bonus if you can get along with the ILs, too. He knows his mom, can he give you any pointers about subjects to avoid and things she likes to talk about? He could help by telling his mom how great you are, low much he loves you etc...

On last thing, try to remember that many Moms are also nervous about getting to know our FDILs and FSILs. So the the tension you are picking up, may be due to her own anxiety about things going well.

theelusive1 · October 2012

My daughters fmil was a smother not a mother. If he would come here for dinner she would say we were trying to take him away from her. We invited him to attend a competition in which we were taking other peoples kids with us and staying in the same room with the kids. My husband and the boys in one room and the girls in a room with me. She told everyone how immoral we were for wanting to have the kids sleep together. She was way off base! Do not assume especially when I have told you directly the sleeping arrangements and it would not be co-ed.
She is no longer in his life, this is something she and her current husband chose.
I raised my children to be upstanding humans that could contribute to society in a positive way. I gave them wings and encouraged them to spread them and fly. I wanted them to have wonderful lives and know their parents loved them and would be there for them. Not that we would smother and stall them.
I hope your fmil gets better and I suggest you talk to her directly so she can not have any misconceptions about you. good luck

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-mom-dislikes-the-person-she-imagines-i-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dadb4be3-95c9-49c7-8dad-e86f6d455d8fPost:fda3a9e9-79e9-455e-b6ee-431a77de6935">Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you think there is any merit in what your FMIL is saying? It might be the slightest things that are contributing to FMIL's opinion of you. For example, most couples 'announce' their engagements, in your case you say your Fi 'wants to break the news in person,' as if he has some dreadful thing to tell his mother.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Hah, well that was meant to be a sort of allusion to the way I think she will see it considering her level of anxiety. For my part, I'm completely overjoyed to be engaged and as soon as he tells her, I'm going to be shouting it from the rooftops.

[QUOTE]
You also are assuming that your FMIL thinks you are anti-family and hate babies. She didn't say that to you or Fi, right? How do you know what she thinks? A good way to get to know people is to ask them questions about their interests. Show enthusiasm and curiosity about the things she like to talk about.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

That one's tough. She is usually pretty vague. She thinks I'm "negative" and has cited studies about "negative people" having a "negative effect" and she's also told FI that she wishes he could find a girl who is "more like apple pie" whatever that means. When she picks the conversation topic, it's usually some vague fear she has that the younger generation (e.g. FI and I) are making irresponsible choices.

[QUOTE]
Your Fil loves you so much that he wants to marry you. That's the important part, but it's a nice bonus if you can get along with the ILs, too. He knows his mom, can he give you any pointers about subjects to avoid and things she likes to talk about? He could help by telling his mom how great you are, low much he loves you etc...
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

He has a hard time getting through to her too. I'll suggest to him that he extoll my virtues more to her, see if that puts her at ease.

[QUOTE]
On last thing, try to remember that many Moms are also nervous about getting to know our FDILs and FSILs. So the the tension you are picking up, may be due to her own anxiety about things going well.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

That's a good point. I'll try to focus on the things about her that I like, and let her know that I appreciate her. I am hoping that the engagement will give some good context for bringing up her worries so I can help reassure her.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

How much time have you spent with her? If you are waiting to tell her about the engagement in person, I'm going to guess you are some distance away and communication is through your FI, emails, calls or social media. This isn't the best way to get to know someone.

MairePoppy · October 2012

In Response to Re:
I'll suggest to him that he extoll my virtues more to her, see if that puts her at ease. That's a good point. I'll try to focus on the things about her that I like, and let her know that I appreciate her. I am hoping that the engagement will give some good context for bringing up her worries so I can help reassure her.
Posted by pesematology[/QUOTE]

That's great. Rather than share her comments with you, your Fi should set his mom straight. It serves no purpose to tell you she would an apple pie (?) for a DIL. He should remind her that he an adult and will be choosing his own dessert.

She does sound a little odd.

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-mom-dislikes-the-person-she-imagines-i-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dadb4be3-95c9-49c7-8dad-e86f6d455d8fPost:6585933e-ff18-4ac0-9284-0995f0381644">Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.</a>:
[QUOTE]How much time have you spent with her? If you are waiting to tell her about the engagement in person, I'm going to guess you are some distance away and communication is through your FI, emails, calls or social media. This isn't the best way to get to know someone.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

She's a few hours away. I see her on holidays, family events, etc. She doesn't really come to see us much but we go to see her every other month or so, plus any family gatherings in between.

pearlaqua · October 2012

I' not at all what my husband's family imagined for their son either.
But we have a terrific relationship because we both try really hard. I'm not saying you don't try, but when you label yourself as a feminist,young, liberal, etc. (all things which could apply to me, too!) you are leaving out all the things that are there to build common ground.

My in-laws and I talk about things that we each share. Politics, when they come up, aren't divisive because we all take care to ameliorate the sitation before it gets anywhere near contentious. So, I LOVE my in-laws and we get along wonderfully because there is so much more to me and to them than the things that make us different.

Not sure what your FMIL likes, but if it's crocheting, ask her about it. If it's baking, bring an apron and hang out with her in the kitchen.

Unless she is mentally ill, I can't imagine this woman deliberately ostracizing you based on the characterization above.

Good luck!

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-mom-dislikes-the-person-she-imagines-i-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dadb4be3-95c9-49c7-8dad-e86f6d455d8fPost:ed96046a-c5dd-4f90-90f2-52d7f14c4d7d">Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.</a>:
[QUOTE]I' not at all what my husband's family imagined for their son either. But we have a terrific relationship because we both try really hard. I'm not saying you don't try, but when you label yourself as a feminist,young, liberal, etc. (all things which could apply to me, too!) you are leaving out all the things that are there to build common ground. My in-laws and I talk about things that we each share. Politics, when they come up, aren't divisive because we all take care to ameliorate the sitation before it gets anywhere near contentious. So, I LOVE my in-laws and we get along wonderfully because there is so much more to me and to them than the things that make us different. Not sure what your FMIL likes, but if it's crocheting, ask her about it. If it's baking, bring an apron and hang out with her in the kitchen. Unless she is mentally ill, I can't imagine this woman deliberately ostracizing you based on the characterization above. Good luck!
Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]

I think one of the problems is that talking is her favorite pastime, and politics is her favorite subject. If I try to avoid the topic, I think I come off as cold.

missglinda14 · October 2012

As a fellow feminist, I feel like a larger part of society as a whole still thinks we are bra burning, men hating demons who get their tubes tied instead of having kids. Honestly, if your FI is defending you, then there really isn't more you can do. It's probably what she thinks of when she hears the words liberal and feminist, not necessarily what she thinks of you. Once she gets to know you more, she will see that you aren't like that.

ETA: Clarity

pesematology · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-mom-dislikes-the-person-she-imagines-i-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:dadb4be3-95c9-49c7-8dad-e86f6d455d8fPost:36dee6e4-f752-4833-aad5-057187e69728">Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.</a>:
[QUOTE]As a fellow feminist, I feel like a larger part of society as a whole still thinks we are bra burning, men hating demons who get their tubes tied instead of having kids. Honestly, if your FI is defending you, then there really isn't more you can do. It's probably what she thinks of when she hears the words liberal and feminist, not necessarily what she thinks of you. Once she gets to know you more, she will see that you aren't like that. ETA: Clarity
Posted by missglinda14[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think the Straw Feminist in her mind is part of the problem. It's funny, she was a single mom for much of FI's childhood, started her own business, and generally believes that women should be assertive and that they often need to fight harder and be more competent than men to get along in the same world. We don't even really disagree about anything in that department, but she thinks that talking about it as a systemic problem is a sign of personal weakness and "looking for a handout" so even though we mostly agree, the fact that we each frame the discussion differently makes her wary of my ideas and me as a person.

I think that I probably do possess whatever crucial qualities of apple pie she thinks FI is missing out on, and he frequently tells her what he likes about me. But he doesn't gush about me because he likes to talk about concrete details that this thread has helped me realize might just not be registering. He'll say things about me like, "I really like the way she is pursuing her career, it inspires me to pursue mine" or something like that, and I don't think she translates that into an understanding of his emotional state. She thinks facts are just trivia. The apple pie stuff is the stuff that is harder to sum up in words (hence the weird metaphor).

pink34562000 · October 2012

Why don't you try to get to know your FMIL better and she can get to know you better? Perhaps, take her along dress shopping, get your nails done together or flip through bridal magazines. After spending time with her, she will understand you better.

My MIL is a very nice lady, but we had nothing in common. Both us of do like cats and dog. However, I prefer dogs and she prefers cats. Additionally, My MIL loves flowers and my allergies don't tolerate them. However when I bring my dog over, she immediately grabs a ball for her and plays with her. Sometimes, she even spoils my dog with treats. Meanwhile, I'll play with the cat by dragging a piece of yarn. My MIL really loves bouquets with real flowers, but I told her I'm highly allergic to them. However, she came up with a broach bouquet, which turned out amazingly beautiful.

Even though we have different interests, we enjoy each other companies and even found some interest that we have in common. My advice is to find activities and get to know your MIL. She is one of the most important ladies in your FI life.

erinlin25 · October 2012

So I am in a similiar boat, and I think most people have had this experience. My FI is the first born, mama's boy at times, (his dad passed away when they were young so he had been the go to guy forever it seems). FMIL is nice to my face, but I know she questioned my character and had her she's not good enough moments (unfortunately FI told me, which was not a good move on his part, lol). FI backed me up as soon as she set it on that mind set, and once she saw that he was not giving in to her, she came back around. I just continue to be nice, and accept that I will not have the closest relationship with my FMIL. We are nice to each other, and I try to include her, but I definitely do not go out of my way. I've learned to just pick my battles, and as long as FI is there for me and supports me I'm not dwelling on her having a hard time "letting him go." I know I am a good person, and she can "judge" me, but end of the day she doesn't know me, and I guess every mother will always think there is no one good enough for their children. My FSIL told me she'll come around full force when we have kids, haha.

pesematology · October 2012

I had a good conversation with her and instead of trying to make her like me, I just admitted to her that I'm scared too, that it's very scary to be engaged again, and that I would be surprised if she wasn't scared too.

Right after I told her that and gave her a hug, FI fell and hit his head in the other room. FMIL trusted me enough to take him to the ER alone, since she knew only one of us would be allowed to go.

FI was okay except for a bad goose egg, and I think there was a change in my relationship with FMIL after she saw me caring for him. I was grateful to have her there to make the necessary phone calls, too.

All in all it worked out well. I highly recommend minor catastrophe as a catalyst for bonding, when possible.

His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.

Re: His mom dislikes the person she imagines I am.

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