I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)

perkins81 · July 2011

Today, I was driving around town with a lady I work with in ministry at our church. We started talking about personal issues (no big deal, I'm an open book), but she asked me if I was on the pill? I was absolutely stunned! I told her "no, I'm not on the pill. BF and I are not sleeping together. We're waiting til we get married." She was really surprised to hear this and even more surprised to hear that BF and I were both still virgins. She even questioned me at first b/c she didn't really believe me. I assured her we were and that we are waiting.

I'm a Christian. She's a Christian. We work in ministry together. I know that some Christians have pre-marital sex anyway even though the Bible doesn't support it, but why on earth would she just ASSUME that we were having sex? She even knows that I grew up in a Christian home (my dad's even a pastor!) so I grew up with good morals and standards and was blessed with a great example of marriage by my parents. So why would she just assume that we were sleeping together and then act really shocked when I told her we weren't?

I'm a little offended, but I think I should just let it go. I know she grew up with a rough past and didn't wait, but that's before she became a Christian. My only guess is that she hasn't met a whole lot of people in her circle of friends who have waited for marriage and so she was surprised to find out that we have. I don't blame my doctor for being surprised when I told him, but has anybody ever dealt with this kind of reaction from someone at church?

jessiegirl61610 · July 2011

I've never personally delt with this kind of situation, but I wouldn't take it personal...she probably wasn't thinking that you guys would be having sex because of your and your BF's personalities, she probably just assumes that every young couple is having premarital sex since that's the norm these days, and was suprised that you weren't in a society where abstinence isn't mainstream

mmhepb · July 2011

These assumptions get worse with age. FI and I are both in our mid to late 30s. We had been mattress shopping recently, knowing that we wouldn't be happy sharing the mattresses we each currently have. (We both have older mattresses that were in need of replacing.)

At one of the stores, a sales lady (whom neither of us had ever met before) began helping us. We explained we would be getting married soon and wanted to get a new bed that we'd both be comfortable with. She asked what size bed we were looking at getting. I said we were unsure as we both have queens now, but were considering a king. She asked, "do you like sharing the queen now?" And we both looked at her and said we're not married yet. She actually said "But surely you've slept together."

We were stunned to say the least.

Luckily we were able to find a mattress that we believe we will both be happy sharing once we get back from our brief HM!!!

amongthelilies25 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:612428c5-c048-4bb8-8204-5f0c8d5fd59a">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never personally delt with this kind of situation, but I wouldn't take it personal..<font class="Apple-style-span" color="#ff00ff">.she probably wasn't thinking that you guys would be having sex because of your and your BF's personalities, she probably just assumes that every young couple is having premarital sex since that's the norm these days, and was suprised that you weren't in a society where abstinence isn't mainstream</font>
Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>i agree with this. i get this alot. It is against society to wait until marriage. And even more uncommon is being a virgin past 18. sooo sad! i want to change this!!! </div><div>
</div><div>a lot of my friends (and ppl we dont know) question my FI and i if we are waiting or not. we are! lol. We have made mistakes in the past but are abstaining from sex until our wedding night. </div><div>
</div><div>Dont be offended that she assumed that about you.... because she did she thinks everyone does.

</div>

RebeccaJac · July 2011

Honestly, I think you're overreacting. I'm a YOUTH PASTOR and people have made assumptions that we're living together. It's just what people are used to. They don't mean harm by it and aren't judging you, it's just what most people do. Waiting until you're married is anywhere near the norm.

And there's nothing wrong with being on the pill. You probably should be on it if you're getting married within the next 6 months. I've been on it for years for medical reasons and no one cares. It's not a statement that you're sleeping around, it has a lot of medical purposes.

Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but you probably just need to let it go. You know how you are in a relationship and so does God, that's all that matters.

kalizoomba · July 2011

I haven't had that exact question asked, but people are always asking me about children. When I explain to them we don't want children, they always say, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Sometimes they just ignore me and keep talking about kids.

I also have several people from church tell me it's okay for FI to live with me before the wedding. we DO NOT want to live together to keep the temptation away. It surprises me when people from church (including the pastor's wife and pastor's mother) to say that it's okay for us to live together for 2 months.

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

I think that's something that's okay to over react about. That's an incorrect judgement of character and morals.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you living with your BF until you could get on your feet again? Maybe she thought you were permanently living together. I don't know. Either way, she was wrong. I'm sorry she made that assumption about you.

faith415 · July 2011

I understand you feeling hurt that she would assume that about you. My aunt really questioned me about it after her daughter ended up pregnant and I was really upset by her assuptions. While I think it's okay for you to be offended, I think that you should let it go. She probably wasn't trying to hurt you by her comments. It's more of a reflection on our culture than you personally.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:4f89d82e-f14d-4759-81e1-245b07bbaedb">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I think you're overreacting. I'm a YOUTH PASTOR and people have made assumptions that we're living together. It's just what people are used to. They don't mean harm by it and aren't judging you, it's just what most people do. Waiting until you're married is anywhere near the norm. And there's nothing wrong with being on the pill. You probably should be on it if you're getting married within the next 6 months. I've been on it for years for medical reasons and no one cares. It's not a statement that you're sleeping around, it has a lot of medical purposes. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but you probably just need to let it go. You know how you are in a relationship and so does God, that's all that matters.
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]

Oh wow! Thanks for sharing. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has gotten this reaction. I was just surprised b/c this was a lady who works in ministry with me. . . We're actually hoping to get engaged this fall and married next summer so I'll definitely start on the pill later down the road.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:979ec6d1-b200-4dc0-8ebf-593d1c2f8b33">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that's something that's okay to over react about. That's an incorrect judgement of character and morals. Correct me if I'm wrong,<strong> but weren't you living with your BF until you could get on your feet again</strong>? Maybe she thought you were permanently living together. I don't know. Either way, she was wrong. I'm sorry she made that assumption about you.
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is true and I thought about that too. I guess I opened myself up for this. Thanks for pointing this out. People who are close know that we definitely did not share rooms, beds, or anything else while I lived there, but she probably didn't think about that.

perkins81 · July 2011

Thanks guys for sharing! You brought up some good points. I don't think it's really anything for me to worry about. Thanks!

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:4c62a036-32c4-48eb-b603-3aa9b7152767">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent) : Yes, this is true and I thought about that too. I guess I opened myself up for this. Thanks for pointing this out. People who are close know that we definitely did not share rooms, beds, or anything else while I lived there, but she probably didn't think about that.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

Right. It's really sad she is someone you seem relatively close with and she assumed instead of asking...

azdancer8 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:612428c5-c048-4bb8-8204-5f0c8d5fd59a">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never personally delt with this kind of situation, but I wouldn't take it personal...she probably wasn't thinking that you guys would be having sex because of your and your BF's personalities, <strong>she probably just assumes that every young couple is having premarital sex since that's the norm these days, and was suprised that you weren't in a society where abstinence isn't mainstream
</strong>Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

This is SO true! The last time I went to my OBGYN (before I was married, but after I was engaged), the nurse asked me what type of BC I was on. When I told her I wasn't on BC, she asked what I used for protection. I said nothing, I was a virgin. She looked at me like I had three heads!

I wouldn't worry about the church lady's assumptions. It's more common than not for couples to be sleeping together before marriage these days. Just be proud of yourself for the committment you've made in your own life.

LittleBigO · July 2011

[QUOTE]<strong>I've never personally delt with this kind of situation, but I wouldn't take it personal...she probably wasn't thinking that you guys would be having sex because of your and your BF's personalities, she probably just assumes that every young couple is having premarital sex since that's the norm these days, and was suprised that you weren't in a society where abstinence isn't mainstream
</strong>Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly. :) Well said, jessiegirl!!

ochemjenn · July 2011

This isn't quite the same thing, but still very awkward.

At our second premartial session with our minister, we talked about sex. By we, I mean the minister, because I didn't say a word, and FI didn't say much more than I did. He told us that sex is supposed to be enjoyable, communicate, yadda yadda, determine what you both like "if you haven't figured it out already." I froze. DH and I talked about it later, and he said the minister probably assumes that many couples are already having sex and that's why he threw that in.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cant-believe-she-thought-this-bit-of-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d7d9bf21-f9d9-4000-8963-a64cd62b2466Post:2c1e273d-6c49-4f4c-950f-e1062aab4efb">Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't quite the same thing, but still very awkward. At our second premartial session with our minister, we talked about sex. By we, I mean the minister, because I didn't say a word, and FI didn't say much more than I did. He told us that sex is supposed to be enjoyable, communicate, yadda yadda, determine what you both like "if you haven't figured it out already." I froze. DH and I talked about it later, and he said the minister probably assumes that many couples are already having sex and that's why he threw that in.
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness!!! Wow, I would have been speechless for sure! Thanks for sharing.

I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)

Re: I can't believe she thought this about me... (a bit of a vent)

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