Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?

kroot87 · April 2012

Hi ladies, I don't post here much but I've been lurking for a few months. This may seem a little heavy or personal for me to just throw out there... but I'm really hoping some of you may have some advice or experience with something similar.

My dad is an alcoholic. We're very close, and he's a great person.. but I'm worried about the wedding. He's had a lot of episodes of passing out or blacking out in front of people that have really embarrassed/hurt him. He hates himself for drinking, which makes him drink more. If you understand alcoholism, you know what a bitch that cycle can be.

Now before I go any further, I just want to be clear that I'm not worried about my dad embarrassing ME at the wedding. I don't care how either of my parents, or any one of our guests, behave at our wedding as long as they have a good time. But I'm worried that the emotions and stress of the day will cause him to do something he'll regret. I know that if something happens, he'll be very hurt and angry with himself. I want him to be able to drink at the wedding, and I don't feel right asking him not to, but I know that it's going to be very difficult for him to keep it reasonable. It may seem like something silly to be worried about, but it's a very real possibility and it's stressing me out. I want this to be a positive experience for him.

I'd like to address his alcoholism as a whole and hopefully he'll accept some kind of treatment at some point in the future, but right now he's in the throes of addiction and there's no convincing him he needs help.

I guess this was more of a vent than anything, it's hard to talk to my family/friends IRL about this. Please don't quote me, I may DD later.

OliveOilsMom · April 2012

Could you warn the bartenders to make sure his drinks are served weak? That way he may not get to the point of blacking out?

I hope you are able to find help for your dad and that he accepts your help too.

Kimmyznc · April 2012

Hm. I think talking about it with him in advance is the only thing you can really do. Suggest treatment etc. Other than that, he's a grown man and is going to do whatever he's going to do. As hard as that may be. My FI's mother has substance abuse issues which he is extremely worried about also... I've told him the same thing. There is not a whole lot you can do the day of the wedding... so if he's acting up, try and not let it ruin the day for you. I'm sorry

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I understand what you're going through. My mother is the same way. Unfortunately there just isn't much that you can do to keep him from drinking at the reception. Now, I AM doing a beer & wine only bar with one signature cocktail (which I will be asking the bartender to keep kind of weak). So I'm hoping that my mother will be kept mingling with guests as the MOB. My hope is that + the lack of strong drinks will keep her relatively "normal". I totally understand that you're not worried about his behavior reflecting on you - it's just that seeing him make an idiot of himself because of his addiction hurts. I know, I'm right there with you.

Also - as far as addressing the alcoholism as a whole...you can't really until HE is ready. My dad tried with my mom. He threatened to divorce her. It worked for a little while...but she fell back into it eventually.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I know that it hurts and it's hard. I hope everything works out okay for you. Vibes

mrszeno34 · April 2012

I agree 100% with the alanon suggestion. My dad was an alcoholic and the alanon meetings were very helpful to me. One thing I learned there is that you cannot control another person, particularly an alcoholic. He has a problem and until he gets treatment, there is no way to guarantee he will or won't act a certain way. He is continuing to act in ways that cause him to feel hurt and angry at himself, yet it does't sound like he is doing anything to stop. That time, if and when it comes, will be up to him alone. Stressing yourself out over it will not cause him to change his behavior. Just love him, support him when he's ready to get help, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how difficult and painful it is.

jemmini6 · April 2012

My dad is an alcoholic too, so I completely understand what you are going through. I asked my dad to limit his drinking (which of course I knew he wouldn't listen to), but I also asked a few close family members and friends who know his situation to keep an eye on how much he drank (he would have hung out with them all night anyways, so it wasn't like they were hovering/babysitting him or anything). It worked out pretty well, he drank, of course, but didn't actually get drunk, so that was a success I guess.

I've never actually utilized it, but I've heard a lot of people recommend Al-Anon, maybe someone in that network could offer other suggestions?

Carla1019 · April 2012

I'm sorry, this situation is difficult for your dad and you.

PP has a good idea, but you also have to think about him drinking before the wedding and ceremony. If I'm reading your post correctly, he doesn't think he has a problem. You have to accept that there is nothing you can do to make sure he doesn't do anything he will regret.

All I can say is talk to him about how you feel.

kroot87 · April 2012

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. Eagles, I haven't been to an alanon meeting but I think it's a great idea. I've read a lot of books on alcoholism and just having an understanding of what it really is has helped me a lot. My dad's been struggling with this since I was very young, and alcoholism is very prevalent in my family, but it's almost never talked about... there's a ton of denial on everyone's part.

I like the idea of having the drinks made weak. It helps that they're only serving mixed drinks, so he can't be drinking bourbon on the rocks all night. I know that asking him not to drink at all would put an incredible amount of pressure on him, which is just so unfair to him...

ETA: My mom is concerned about this also, so she's already said she'll be watching him like a hawk. But I'm sure he will be expecting that, so maybe asking a couple other people to keep an eye on him will help.

kroot87 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:410cdb15-86ba-4284-b086-3f28c73f95e6">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, there is one constant about alcoholics: they will drink. You can water down the drinks, hide the booze, whatever; they will find a way to drink. Your best bet is to have a couple of trusted people keep an eye out for your dad.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

The bolded part really resonated with me. He's a bottle-hider, he's got them all over the house. I'm pretty certain he'll have a flask on him that day, which I can't control and I'm not going to try to.. but a flask isn't going to do much damage unless he's got a source for re-filling it. Often.

LDubHawksFan · April 2012

My father is an alcoholic too. I'm so blessed that he is sober right now, but it took a health scare for him to finally do it. Even so, I too am extremly aware of how to accomodate him on our day; having plenty of non-alcoholic options for him for dinner and toasts that won't make him feel singled out.
Your father will have to come to terms with it himself. That being said, I agree with other posts that say you can address it with him, but it won't make him stop or not drink that day. I would still talk to him and express how excited you are to have him as a part of your day and how you would really like him to refrain from drinking. Maybe daddy's little girl asking on her big day will be moving enough for him to try to conciously refrain from hitting the bottle too hard. I agree with having your mom and others watch him, and have the bartenders on alert to slow down his drinks if need be.
Your day will be beautiful and special. I hope everything works out for you and your dad.

kroot87 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:4788de27-a973-42bd-9dda-2b195047d178">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really do wish you all the best and a happy wedding day. Do you have a couple of trusted uncles or friends of the family who can help? Not exactly babysit, but more like distract him. If they see him going for another drink, maybe they could sort of head him off: "Hey, Jack, I wanted you to come over here and help me school these guys on the merits of the Yankees pitching staff." *leads dad away from the bar*
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Thanks, Eagles. There are definitely a couple people I can trust to run interference, I think that will really help, without him feeling like he's being "watched."

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

Just one other thought, since I think most of what I'd want to say has already been covered - You are NOT responsible for protecting him from his own behavior. If he drinks so much he blacks out at your wedding and then feels bad about it, that's NOT on you - that's the result of his own actions. There's not much at all you can do to protect him from that, or from the negative feelings he'll have about himself afterwards, and I'm not sure it's helpful for him for you to even try - if he never has to face the consequences of his problem, what's his incentive to admit he has a problem and seek help?

To be clear, I'm not suggesting you should let him get plastered at your wedding just to prove a point or something, I'm just saying that, from your OP, it sounds like part of your question is "how do I protect my dad from himself?" and the answer is (1) you can't; and (2) it's not your responsibility to do so.

kroot87 · April 2012

Steph, you are so right.

I'd just hate for my dad to have bad memories attached to my wedding. I know it's out of my control and not my responsibility, it just... sucks.

mrszeno34 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:ba0c95d2-5e82-4ab3-9b15-43f6aec2f72b">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just one other thought, since I think most of what I'd want to say has already been covered - You are NOT responsible for protecting him from his own behavior. If he drinks so much he blacks out at your wedding and then feels bad about it, that's NOT on you - that's the result of his own actions. There's not much at all you can do to protect him from that, or from the negative feelings he'll have about himself afterwards, and I'm not sure it's helpful for him for you to even try - if he never has to face the consequences of his problem, what's his incentive to admit he has a problem and seek help? To be clear, I'm not suggesting you should let him get plastered at your wedding just to prove a point or something, I'm just saying that, from your OP, it sounds like part of your question is "how do I protect my dad from himself?" and the answer is (1) you can't; and (2) it's not your responsibility to do so.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This, exactly. If your dad never feels any consequences to his drinking, and everyone around him is tiptoeing and making sure he is free to drink at your wedding, possibly to excess, and not feel bad about it - what incentive does he have to change? It's a way of enabling him and making it as easy as possible for him to drink without any consequences, whether it's blacking out and missing your wedding, getting into an argument with someone, or feeling upset with himself the morning after.
You can't control what he does, and neither can anyone else, no matter how close they watch him or how weak the drinks are. He needs to want to change, and if he's continually able to drink however much he wants, without any consequences, what reason does he have to change?

Kristen627 · April 2012

First, disclaimer, this is not meant to sound insensitive. But, you call your dad an alcoholic and then say you want him to be able to drink at the wedding. Alcoholics should. not. drink. period. My mother is (finally) nine years sober and finally able to be around alcohol without wanting a drink. It's a very, very, very long and hard process.
My opinion is that you should encourage him to speak to either a professional or someone in a similar situation who understands how to redirect his desire for alcohol into something else. I'm not talking full-on intervention, but there are ways of handling these urges (everything from sparkling water to mints to talking). If he can even redirect a little bit of these urges on your wedding day, he may be able to somewhat take control of the situation. This is not your problem to solve or even handle at your own wedding.

After you're through with wedding stress, I STRONGLY urge you to talk to your father seriously about this. There are a ton of support groups and resources for alcoholics, and often the first step is assuring him he's not going through it alone.

Feel free to PM me anytime! I've been through it. Good luck!

kroot87 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:33a0e874-64af-4459-9f9f-325fd22b3fc9">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding? : This, exactly. If your dad never feels any consequences to his drinking, and everyone around him is tiptoeing and making sure he is free to drink at your wedding, possibly to excess, and not feel bad about it - what incentive does he have to change? It's a way of enabling him and making it as easy as possible for him to drink without any consequences, whether it's blacking out and missing your wedding, getting into an argument with someone, or feeling upset with himself the morning after. You can't control what he does, and neither can anyone else, no matter how close they watch him or how weak the drinks are. He needs to want to change, and if he's continually able to drink however much he wants, without any consequences, what reason does he have to change?
Posted by mrszeno34[/QUOTE]

Oh believe me, no one tiptoes around his drinking in his daily life. I've tried numerous times to get through to him. It's been a constant battle in his marriage with my mother as she's tried to no avail to get him to seek help. It almost led them to divorce. So believe me, he's suffered a whole host of consequences. But until an alcoholic hits their own personal rock bottom, which is different for everyone, there's no making them "see the light." I absolutely get what you're saying, but at this stage there's no incentive for him to change. The addiction is much, much stronger than he is, than his family is... that's just the reality of it.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:da31f313-f725-4fc4-923f-00d48d6ac543">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Steph, you are so right. I'd just hate for my dad to have bad memories attached to my wedding. I know it's out of my control and not my responsibility, it just... sucks.
Posted by kroot87[/QUOTE]

My dad's not an alcoholic, but he does get into a similar cycle (screwing up majorly around important life events, then spending months afterward crying about it) and it took me a long time (and some therapy) to get comfortable with the idea that his problem is not my problem. If he wants to be self-destructive and turn every major life event into the "woe-is-me-I'm-such-a-bad-person" show, it's not on me to prevent that, and even if I wanted to, I can't. Try Al-Anon, as others have suggested, or one-on-one therapy to get more comfortable truly believing and internalizing this. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to make sure your dad has "happy" memories of things when he won't take on any responsibility for himself, and all you're going to do by trying to do that is enable him and make yourself miserable. Don't allow his misery to become your misery, especially not on your wedding day.

kroot87 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kind-of-a-heavy-subject-alcoholic-parent-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:faae49a0-874c-4c2d-94e7-62382aee285bPost:d74b0f10-1e3a-424d-a55e-6331d34d8a89">Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding? : My dad's not an alcoholic, but he does get into a similar cycle (screwing up majorly around important life events, then spending months afterward crying about it) and it took me a long time (and some therapy) to get comfortable with the idea that his problem is not my problem . If he wants to be self-destructive and turn every major life event into the "woe-is-me-I'm-such-a-bad-person" show, it's not on me to prevent that, and even if I wanted to, I can't. Try Al-Anon, as others have suggested, or one-on-one therapy to get more comfortable truly believing and internalizing this. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to make sure your dad has "happy" memories of things when he won't take on any responsibility for himself, and all you're going to do by trying to do that is enable him and make yourself miserable. Don't allow his misery to become your misery, especially not on your wedding day.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I didn't realize it, but I needed to hear that. Thanks, Steph :)

PhoneCardLady · April 2012

Have you considered having a DRY WEDDING? This is the route I'm going. There are several advantages to this. One is you don't have to worry about anyone getting drunk. Two is that there could be a potental savings of $7-$10 per person and you could easily put it toward somewhere else.

Kind of a heavy subject.. alcoholic parent at wedding?

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