(TMI) Sex expectations in marriage.

SoonToBeGenao · November 2011

In the very beginning of my relationship with DH neither of us were saved, and we were living a very different life than we live now. We were sexually active etc. In July 2010 (a few months before we got engaged) we both got baptized and decided to turn from the sin of sex and stay celebate until marriage. It wasn't an easy thing to do considering we were sexually active before- but the more we prayed on it and asked for strength and to help us from temptation- it actually got easier and our relationship grew stronger and stronger (I truly believe God blessed our decision and made it easy for us).

Well because of our history etc- neither one of us really felt the need to discuss our sexual expectations of marriage... And now we've been married for a month and I realize we had different expectations.

I am SO SO SO attracted to my husband, and am pretty much "in the mood" like all the time. After waiting for so long, and now being married and able to have sex... I just have the desire a lot.

DH on the other hand, feels that it should be something that should be savored and not made "routine". In other words, he wants every single time to be special- and he thinks if its a daily occurance, it will become more of a routine than a special moment to share.

I totally understand keeping it special- but to me EVERY SINGLE TIME is special. I don't think it will ever lose that for me.

I guess I'm just looking for wisdom from some of the married ladies (i do NOT expect you to tell me how often to have sex with my husband... just some advice on how we should go about the issue without hurting each other's feelings etc.) or if any of you have been through anything like this.

Also- just figured I'd tell the unmarried ladies that no matter what you've done before the wedding- its probably a very important conversation to have one way or another.

MelissaC315 · November 2011

I'm not married yet so I obviously don't have advice for you... but I did want to say thank you for bringing this up. I am in a similiar situation as you were when you were engaged, as far as being active and now being celebate. I would have never thought to have that conversation but I'm glad you mentioned your experience b/c now I will

SoonToBeGenao · November 2011

Honestly Melissa, it never even crossed my mind. I had always just assumed that we had "been there done that" and that it didn't matter. But the difference is that when we were dating/engaged we saw each other like once a week. When you live with someone and see them ALL the time- it actually makes a difference.

azdancer8 · November 2011

I think one important thing to remember is that there will be times when one of you wants sex and the other does not. Or times when you are just too tired/sore/busy. But sometimes you need to cater to the needs of each other, even if you aren't "in the mood". I'm not saying you should have sex every time he wants it, or vice versa. But it's still important to meet your spouse's needs, even sexually. Look at 1 Cor 7:5.

The only way sex will become routine is if you let it become routine. Shake it up a bit. Have sex on a weekday morning, or twice in one day. Every time will be special, if you make it that way.

P.S. I totally get your struggle with "having the desire" more than your husband seems to, but trust me, if you initiate occasionally, he'll likely go along. And I don't know about you, but I enjoy sex more if it isn't every day.

DramaGeek · November 2011

Warning - some might find my response too graphic.

Hmmm, that's a hard one. I know of couples who've instituted an every 48 hours rule, so they don't go more than 48 hours without being together. I've heard of some couples who have an "every 3rd time" understanding - meaning that if you turn your spouse down twice, the third time you get into it, whether you really want to or not.

It sounds like the issue for him is he's afraid it's going to become mundane. In that case, I'd try to do something to make sure each time is different. Make up some games, try new positions, that sort of thing. You could put some different sensual/sexual acts in a jar and draw things out to see what new things you'll try that night. We've been known to play strip Sorry, and you could do that with whatever game you're into.

Since turning 30 my libido has sky rocketed. H's, on the other hand, has been in a downward spiral due to stress and unhappiness with his job. I've found that I just have to draw him in. Little kisses while we're watching tv, parading around the house in something I know he likes, things like that. We've also recently discovered sexting, which has been great for getting us both in the mood. Just triple check the person you're sending that text to!

Remember, too, that it doesn't have to be sex. There are all kinds of intimate acts that you can do. Maybe reminding him of that would help him realize that sex will always be special - because it's always different.

Honestly, with my H anyway, even if he says he's not in the mood, if I can get him started with some kissing and cuddling, I can usually get it to escalate pretty quickly.

SoonToBeGenao · November 2011

Thank you Drama. Everything you've said makes perfect sense. Very good advice.

FaithCaitlin · November 2011

I'm not married but FI and I do have sex. I give the graphic warning as well as I could venture into TMI...

We have sex usually at least once a day. We both really enjoy sex and find that each time is always "special". I don't think either of us feel that we are in a "routine" but I can understand your DH's concern... you wouldn't want to be having sex just because that's what you do at 8pm every night, lol.

We definitely spice things up- new positions, special lingerie, different places in the house (we've probably had sex everywhere in the house, lol). We also experiement- we use ice, whipped cream, other food, etc. We have sex at different times of the day. I have also found that FI loves it when I initiate sex.

I love Drama's jar suggestion! Awesome idea.

I think you two should sit down and talk about what you can do to make sure sex won't get routine. Even if we just have "normal" sex, it is always special, always wonderful. Despite how/where we have sex, we both feel that our sex is an expression of our love for each other. It's not just to feel good. We are very vocal about our love for each other during our intercourse. Maybe that's something you can remind DH of?

We still struggle with telling the other when we aren't interested in having sex. It's usually me that's typically the one that turns down sex. FI is always nice about it but you can tell he's disappointed. I do my best to just tell him gently that I don't want to for whatever reason but I hope that he is interested later. It's important to let him know, IMO, that I am sexually attracted to him and want to have sex with him, but just not right now.

I'm sure you and DH will work this out quickly!! Pray about it and discuss it openly together.

And, my post was all over the place. I'm sorry! I hope you can pick out some form of advice out of it!

ochemjenn · November 2011

May I ask if it was like this when you were sexually active before you were married? Has something else changed: more stress at work or something like that?

MH is too tired a lot of the time. He works long hours, which I understand logically, but it's still hard. There are some months I know he won't have much energy, so I try to keep myself extra busy so I'm too tired to try to jump him.

I also feel that every time is special.

randlettandfraleigh · November 2011

I have found that communication is key. H and I both have demanding jobs, but being that I am a teacher, I am often bringing home hours of work to do at night, so soemtimes, sex is just not a priority. However, we are sure to communicate how we are feeling. I try to let him know when I am just too tired, but make sure to make some time to make him feel wanted, even if it is something like verbally letting him know I'm really attracted to him.
Just let him know how special you think sex is, and that sex cannot get routine for you because every time is a reminder of your commitment and love for each other, something that I know keeps it far from routine in my mind.
I also agree with some of the girls above-- mix it up: sexy lingerie, fun games, different positions, initiating at different times of the day in different places. Also, sometimes I find that a real good heavy make out session can fuel my passion just as well as sex if he might not be in the mood (which does not happen often for my H).
Also, there are just times when I suck it up, stay up later than I want to even when I'm really tired, and have sex with my husband, something I am always thankful I did after

I'll be praying that your conversation with him is fulfilling and really sorts some things out for you. It can be awkward, but communicating how you feel and really knowing what he wants will make it so much more wonderful.

drama1308 · November 2011

I'm getting in here late and didn't read the other responses.

Explain to you H just like you did to us that every time you have sex it's special, even if it's a quickie. Can you make a compromise that like every 3rd time or something you have "more special" sex? Communication is key to a happy and healthy relationship.

I know for H and I it helps if we decide in the morning that we are going to that night when we both are home. His job and my school and job are both demanding of our time so we have to work to have time for love making.

SuMmErKuTiE · November 2011

TMI as well.. just a warning ;0)

We were also sexually active before we got married. Until this board, I've honestly never met anyone our age who isn't, even my friends from the Christian high school I went to and at church, etc.. it's refreshing to see that there are still people who wait.

I'd say the 1st year or so of our relationship we couldn't keep our hands off each other and had sex multiple times a day, and as time went on it went down to once a day. And now sometimes, we'll skip a day here and there, but not often. I'm always amazed when I hear stories of people who go a week or more without it, because DH and I are the exact opposite. I had to go away for work last spring for 4 nights, and DH literally jumped me as soon as we walked back in the door from him picking me up at the airport.

My advice is, every sexual relationship slows down after a while, but it doesn't mean that if you do have it every day that it's not special. Every time you have sex with your spouse is special and it's a connection between the two of you. I've definitely felt that it's "routine" at times, but then I realize who I'm with.. I'm with the man of my dreams that I married and love more than anything and to me that is beyond special.

OP remind your H that not every time has to be romantic and "special" as he says. Sometimes there's an amazing rush from having a quickie before work or a passionate experience after having a fight, etc.. there are so many different ways to express your love for each other in the form of having sex. HTH!

naomikb · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_tmi-sex-expectations-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:35fb26c7-1c68-4d04-bc91-0812298311a4Post:184e321d-dec9-44e3-9607-e7531ff6a8ea">Re: (TMI) Sex expectations in marriage.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think one important thing to remember is that there will be times when one of you wants sex and the other does not. Or times when you are just too tired/sore/busy. But sometimes you need to cater to the needs of each other, even if you aren't "in the mood". I'm not saying you should have sex every time he wants it, or vice versa. But it's still important to meet your spouse's needs, even sexually. Look at 1 Cor 7:5. The only way sex will become routine is if you let it become routine. Shake it up a bit. Have sex on a weekday morning, or twice in one day. Every time will be special, if you make it that way. P.S. I totally get your struggle with "having the desire" more than your husband seems to, but trust me, if you initiate occasionally, he'll likely go along. And I don't know about you, but I enjoy sex more if it isn't every day.
Posted by azdancer8[/QUOTE]
I ditto everything azdancer said. It's okay for either of you to not be in the mood. It's also okay if he says he's not in the mood to initiate some heavy cuddling and see where that leads... my guess is it will usually go where you want it to.

Every time is special... he shouldn't have the attitude that doing it more will make it less meaningful. Does saying "I love you" frequently make it less meaningful?

TeamArrebato · November 2011

This is a little scary for me. My FI and I have never been sexually active with one another. But he is a virgin so I expect him to be super interested in sex all the time. I'm not a virgin and I wonder if I have ruined myself for him. I think if he lost interest in sex my worst nightmare would be coming true. I'm not sure what you can do to help, but thank you for bringing this to mind. I think a talk is a great idea.

ochemjenn · November 2011

TeamArrebato, you have NOT ruined yourself for him. Please don't think that you have.

ElisabethJoanne · November 2011

Another thing to keep in mind, Team, is that there's a motif in our culture, from sitcoms to Sunday school lessons, that men always want sex, that they always want sex more than women, and that they always enjoy sex more than women. It's false. Men get too tired and stressed for sex, like women do. Men can have other, very legitimate priorities than sex, same as women. Any individual woman may want sex more than any individual man, depending on a host of circumstances.

[Deleted User] · November 2011

DH and I read Sheet Music and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts before we got married. we talked several times about what we expected (I was a virgin, he was not). I was very apprehensive about it (mild-moderate anxiety), but after a few times I got over it. I thought reading the books and talking about it was VERY helpful. in fact, sometimes I'll catch him rereading one of the chapters as a refresher... and I do it too! it's not too late to do some reading and discussing. it will open up your communication about it.

also, you might just have to go with it for a while. I can only imagine that after a few weeks/months, he might change his view a little bit. if the places were switched, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be pressured into it all the time. and I'm NOT SAYING that you are. you both have to give a little. it sounds like you're willing to do that, now you just need to figure out what's going on in his head (good luck!) and work with it.

I honestly think grabbing Sheet Music, reading it and then discussing it will really help you both figure out the other person's needs/wants and how to compromise them.

I hope I didn't offend you with anything I said!

SoonToBeGenao · November 2011

Haha Coco nothing you said there was offensive at all. Thank you for the suggestion and I think I will look into getting that book

kyliebird01 · November 2011

There is a radio show called The Mark Gungor Show. Maybe you might consider emailing him and asking him for advice. He is a pastor that does a conference called Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. (Awesome by the way if he is ever in your area you should go~) But, he has a radio show. He is BRUTALLY honest, but what he says is real! Look into it and see what you think.

kristea0337 · December 2011

My FI & I are both still virgins so I don't exactly have a wealth of knowledge on this topic to offer. I'm 31 & he is 29. It is kind of a joke between us that I am always up for a makeout session. (I think his some what more reserved passion is due to him wanting to make sure things don't go too far.) However, it concerns me a little that I may have a much larger appetite for sex once married than him. I'm afraid I'll be offended if he turns me down sometime (I know he would feel awful if he made me feel that way but I also know myself & no matter how much I tell myself it isn't personal, I'll take it that way). Either way, it is nice to know that I'm not some kind of nympho for being a woman who actually seems interested in sex, that there are "good girls" out there that find sex appealing, fun, & have a great desire & appetite for it rather than what we hear from "old married couples" (which I think their telling us that sex isn't that great is partly due to wanting to scare young girls from promiscuity & partly from the husband's/wife's ignorance/attentiveness/communication) and TV.

I have the typical great fears accompanied with a girl's "first time:" fear of pain, being naked & exposed, not doing something right, not being found attractive once the clothes are off, etc... I am also pretty sure he is concerned about his probably inability to "last." (Which I highly expect him to have very little control for the first few times.) I just don't want him to feel inadequate. Anyway, I have been reading (& he plans on reading it too once he gets a chance to download it to his Kindle) "The Act of Marriage" by Tim & Beverly LaHaye. It is an excellant book. I have a hard time putting it down. It is helping me become aware & more understanding about a lot of stuff, stuff I never really thought of. It is helping me relax a little, especially knowing he is going to read it before our wedding as well. Anyway, I'd suggest you both read that.

(TMI) Sex expectations in marriage.

Re: (TMI) Sex expectations in marriage.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards