Someone tell me I'm not crazy..

lovelylittlekye · August 2012

So, my fiance just kind of plopped something on my plate about two months after he had proposed. He's decided that he wants to go back into the military, infantry. And to be honest, I don't even know if I could handle that. He comes from a military background, lifestyle, & family. I have always been rooted my entire life. I know change is a good thing, but it's the possibilty that my husband to be might be dead before we even get married. Am I crazy for thinking such things? Should I just let him go? I'm really torn and quite frankly, I am sort of at a loss for words..

skurtz04 · August 2012

This a tough subject. Last year my husdand mentioned that he wanted to join the air force. It took all I had to say "okay" This is something that the two of you need to talk about. I don't neccassarily think you're crazy for thinking these things but it's better to talk it over with him first.

lovelylittlekye · August 2012

The thing is that I love him so much that I don't ever think I could tell him no. He knows exactly how I feel about it but how I feel & how I act around the subject & him, are two completely different things. I don't want to lose my best friend but I also don't want to crush his dream.

cwaggoner07 · August 2012

It's kind of weird that he just 'decided' and that's that. Now that you are a unit, big family decisions affect both of you, and you both get a say. That would bother me big time, not because of him actually joining the military again, but because this was something that wasn't come to as a joint decision.

lovelylittlekye · August 2012

Well, the decision was made when his younger brother graduation for basic in the Navy. My fiance was former Air Force but got out long before he met me. I guess his brother inspired him. Not to mention, military is his life. He spent his whole life moving from base to base because of his dad being in the Air Force. So, it's not something he just decided but you're right, it wasn't a joint decision as it probably should have been. The thing is though, he knows exactly how I am feeling towards the situation and he still reminds me everyday that everything will be okay even though my mind is screaming that it won't be.

calliopeia2013 · August 2012

Yeah, this would be a huge red flag for me that he's making the decision for both of you without giving you any input.

FWIW, I don't think it's crazy at all to consider if you really want to go ahead with getting married under the changed circumstances. For instance, I know, completely and entirely, that I do not have what it takes to be a military wife. I would be angry and unhappy the entire time. I'm fixed in my career, I would have to give everything up to move around, I'm terrible at long distance, and I'm pretty high anxiety and would be miserable whenever he was anywhere dangerous. When he talked about going into the military back when we were first dating, I made it clear that that was a dealbreaker for me, on par with, say, if he was sure he didn't want to have kids, or if he wouldn't get married unless I converted to a different religion (just as examples of other dealbreakers as far as I'm concerned). There's some things where, if you're not both on the same page as a couple, marriage will just never work, and IMO this has the potential to be one of them. There are always some things that are dealbreakers- you have to decide if this is one for you.

And you have to make that decision honestly, being honest with yourself about your own emotions and your own predictions for the future. You made a comment earlier about not wanting to say no and lose your best friend...but remember that if it's truly the case that you're not compatible in some really important way, it's better to come to terms with that now, rather after you have kids together but have been miserable and resentful for the past decade or whatever.

kmmssg · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_someone-tell-me-im-not-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:0788ca3e-315b-4eda-8cc4-55f54da7fdbcPost:c164d98f-0d4c-42fd-8389-bb15b47cb714">Re: Someone tell me I'm not crazy..</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the decision was made when his younger brother graduation for basic in the Navy. My fiance was former Air Force but got out long before he met me. I guess his brother inspired him. Not to mention, military is his life. He spent his whole life moving from base to base because of his dad being in the Air Force. So, it's not something he just decided but you're right, it wasn't a joint decision as it probably should have been. The thing is though, he knows exactly how I am feeling towards the situation and he still reminds me everyday that everything will be okay even <strong>though my mind is screaming that it won't be.</strong>
Posted by anchoredtoyou[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Huge red flags for sure. He has NO idea that things will be ok for you. HE lived that life, you did not, and they are total opposites.</div><div>
</div><div>I would step back a bit and not be pushed into agreeing with this. I'm a MOB who just spent 26 years in the military. I will tell you unequivocally, our spouses can make or break our careers. The demands on the service member are not 8-5. Then there are the demands of the home/marriage/family. It won't work unless both partners are on board and really want to live the military life.</div><div>
</div><div>If your mind is screaming at you that this won't work, I implore you to listen to it and not go ahead with a wedding unless you know you want to live that lifestyle. It doesn't mean there is anything lacking in you, or that you are a bad fiance. It means that isn't the life you want and that is perfectly fine.</div><div>
</div><div>Don't let him bully you into this.</div><div>
</div>

smccrac · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_someone-tell-me-im-not-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:0788ca3e-315b-4eda-8cc4-55f54da7fdbcPost:c164d98f-0d4c-42fd-8389-bb15b47cb714">Re: Someone tell me I'm not crazy..</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the decision was made when his younger brother graduation for basic in the Navy. My fiance was former Air Force but got out long before he met me. I guess his brother inspired him. Not to mention, military is his life. He spent his whole life moving from base to base because of his dad being in the Air Force. So, it's not something he just decided but you're right, it wasn't a joint decision as it probably should have been. The thing is though, he knows exactly how I am feeling towards the situation and he still reminds me everyday that everything will be okay even though my mind is screaming that it won't be.
Posted by anchoredtoyou[/QUOTE

I don't know if I would see it as a red flag to get out. Honestly you said that military is his life and that it is his family so it is probably no surprise that he<em> </em>is enlisting. I just got engaged a month ago and my FI is military. And to tell you the truth I decided a long time ago to accept whatever came with him. I think the lady who commented earlier is right but I'm on the other fence. You have to know that you can be a military wife and if that life is for you. I would have never believed it. I am the professional all about my career type and I am finally at a place where things are good and all of a sudden I am being wisked away into military life. I will be packing up my office and saying goodbye and with my line of work it is a huge possiblity that I will probably have to take a break or do some alternative work until he gets out. With all that being said I am so overwhelmed but so happy to be with him and I decided that whatever time God gives me with him I am grateful and gladly sign up. Honestly we never know when our last breath is. My cousin got married a few years ago and she passed three months after her wedding and no one could have known that. What I'm trying to say is you have to know what the real blessings are in life and that is the precious time we get right now. I am so scared about starting a whole new life but I am ready and my education and degrees can not be taken and my career will be there when we are done with military life. You need to sit down and talk with him but I wouldn't demand answers I would just have a real talk about the future. Find out if he is wanting to make a career out of this. If he doens't know say since you are a team now you want to come up with a team plan and maybe you both can sit down and promise to talk about it every time his window opens to either get out or re-enlist. If you are going to be his wife than it is definitely appropriate for you to have the game plan or a map to help ease your anxiety. Seriously they don't like hearing about death or worrying they have a duty and a job to do so you have to be a strong woman and be the supportive type. Don't let that allow you to miss the best love you've ever known. On the other hand ask yourself if this is the only problem you have or if there are other issues.
Pray first be honest with yourself and follow your heart.

Danny&Mel2003 · August 2012

My advice have a serious talk with him the pros and cons. My Fi was also Air Force we discussed him re enlisting do I want him too HELL NO however I let him speak then I spoke. I would never end our relationship because the military life could be a possibility and I'm like you rooted where I am at, however I love my Fi more than anything and if he really wanted back in I would support his decision, thankfully he doesn't. I was also with him when he did his first 5 yrs reservist, military had its ups and downs of course but I would do it again for him.

SachaBee · August 2012

I am like you Calliopeia, I informed my now-fi after about two months that this would be a dealbreaker.
To our delightful Anchoredtoyou, only you can know if this is something you can handle. You need to be able to have a real talk with your fiance about this. Maybe do some research on what military wives go through. Talk to your FMIL if she is in the picture, or try to find a support group you could attend, call or e-mail. Once you have a fuller picture of what it will entail, you'll be able to decide if it's something you can handle. And if not, tell him the truth. Don't let him say "it will be okay". NO ONE can know that. If it makes you uncomfortable and you just can't see yourself doing that, tell him that's all you have to say.
However, before you do that, I would definitely do your research and try to have an open mind. Listen to his feelings, expect him to listen to yours, and see what happens. If you absolutely can't do it, he should respect that.

cwaggoner07 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_someone-tell-me-im-not-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:0788ca3e-315b-4eda-8cc4-55f54da7fdbcPost:185a98de-d2db-471f-875b-f11c4cd86f62">Re: Someone tell me I'm not crazy..</a>:
[QUOTE]I am like you Calliopeia, I informed my now-fi after about two months that this would be a dealbreaker. To our delightful Anchoredtoyou, <strong>only you can know if this is something you can handle.</strong> You need to be able to have a real talk with your fiance about this. Maybe do some research on what military wives go through. Talk to your FMIL if she is in the picture, or try to find a support group you could attend, call or e-mail. Once you have a fuller picture of what it will entail, you'll be able to decide if it's something you can handle. And if not, tell him the truth. Don't let him say "it will be okay". NO ONE can know that. If it makes you uncomfortable and you just can't see yourself doing that, tell him that's all you have to say. However, before you do that, I would definitely do your research and try to have an open mind. Listen to his feelings, expect him to listen to yours, and see what happens. If you absolutely can't do it, he should respect that.
Posted by SachaBee[/QUOTE]

Exactly. What might be doable for one person isn't for the next person. I told H when we first started dating that I could never ever live really far away from my family, since we're all from the Dallas area. I grew up with my cousins like siblings, and we are so tight-knit. There is no way I could leave them. But that's me. He is from Arkansas, and his family isn't as tight-knit, so moving around doesn't bother him. Everyone has their own boundaries.

charbakes · September 2012

This is a tough spot. Not only could he be killed overseas but you have to deal with the very real probability that he will have PTSD. I don't know if you know anyone with PTSD. I do. It's extremely difficult to live with, and depending on his personality type, a flashback could even be dangerous to you as her may try to harm himself or others.

I wish I could offer more advice, but I've never been in this situation so I can only speculate. For the record, I don't know if I could do it. It very well might be a dealbreaker for me, but I also have political reasoning behind that as well, as I'm extremely anti-war. I also own my own business in my hometown. I love my hometown, and I wouldn't leave. So it would be a dealbreaker for me, probably. It feels shi*tty to say that, but I already have my own life, and my life comes with me. I wouldn't give that up for a man, even Ben.

fschuller · September 2012

I'm in the Army and I can tell you from experience that deployments are very,very hard on relationships. For many different reasons. It's not for everyone and it takes a very special spouse to stay at home and love their soldier from afar. I have so much respect for those that do it. I know I never could be the one that stays at home. On that note, this is a decision that should be for the two of you to decide, not just him. When we were dating, my FI told me that he was thinking about joining the service, I told him that it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm strong enough to go over there, but I'm not strong enough to stay at home and worry, which is exactly what I would do. You have to think about what is right for you and your situtation. If you think you can support him in this, then great, you are a wonderfully strong person. If you don't think you can, have the courage to speak up before he signs the paperwork and makes it official. You will regret it forever if you don't say something now.