Hand me down ring??

AFSKMS · November 2010

My future mother in law had given my finace a ring before he proposed. She told him to him to use it as he wishes, and he chose to propose with it. Don't get me wrong, I like the ring - it's beautiful. I've been wearing it for months now. The only problem is, it wasn't used as her engagement ring, it wasn't even given to her by my finace's father. I don't know the whole story behind it, but I don't think it's very symbolic of our familes, or their love.

Is it wrong of us to want to trade this ring in??

doctabroccoli · November 2010

We were given a ring that wasn't particularly symbolic nor did my parents intend for it to be my engagement ring. We are getting credit for our wedding bands from our jeweler for it.

laurenclaire1386 · November 2010

I mean, I guess it's not wrong, exactly. You're gonna wear it the rest of your life, you should be happy with it. I guess I think it's silly to be upset that the ring isn't "symbolic." It is symbolic, if your FI proposed with it. I don't know how much more symbolism you could possibly cram into it. I don't understand liking the physical ring itself, but not liking it because it doesn't have some kind of history.

Beachy730 · November 2010

Its fiance, not finace.

Yes it would be wrong to trade it in without at least consulting your FI's mother. If she is okay with you trading it in, then look at your options. Maybe you could use the stones in it for another ring. While it may not be her e-ring, it was obviously symbolic enough for her to want to pass it down. So maybe you want to just keep it, and at your 5 year anniversary your FI could get a new one or something. Speaking from experience, the money spent on an e-ring could be much used for your wedding instead, and since you already have a ring you might want to think it through,

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

I don't know how a ring from Zales is MORE symbolic than a ring his mother owned, but whatever. If it's not particularly your style and you are both open to it, I'd either trade it in for a different one, have it melted down and have the diamond reset, or keep it and buy another ring you like.

Edit: the fact that he propsed with it isn't a deal breaker for me. Some guys get "stand-in" rings to propose with because they want the proposal to be a complete surprise, and then will have their FI go with them to pick out a "real" e-ring. If this isn't a traditional engagement ring, what kind of ring is it? An eternity band? A gemstone ring? If it's a diamond ring are you sure it wasn't her mother or grandmother's engagement ring? Considering she just happened to have this ring and you know it's not her e-ring, but you don't know where it comes from... If it is "just a ring" she had, maybe from an ex or something, she probably won't have a problem with you doing something with it. But I know my mom has a lot of jewelry from her mother and grandmother that means a lot to her and she wouldn't want me exchanging it or anything.

TheCranberry · November 2010

Why do you want to trade the ring in if you like it? Just because it wasn't symbolic when FI's mother gave it to him? Is the ring just not your style?

How does your FI feel about you trading it in? It is the ring he proposed with so now it has (or should have) symbolism for the two of you.

vixey · November 2010

Before trading it in, you should find out where it came from. It may be really important to FMIL and FI just isn't aware of the signifncance. If you really don't like it, then I guess you can go with FI and pick out a different one, but I wouldn't sell the original ring without further inquiry.

sister2groom · November 2010

I second the idea of your FI asking what the story is. I had a friend whose ring was special not because it was handed down, but because his parents bought the diamond and he and he siblings all chipped in gold so it was a family gift.

laladypoet · November 2010

I don't see why you should have to make sure it's ok with FMIL before you trade it in. it's your ring, not hers. and she obviously didn't even care enough about it to want to put it to some special use.
but that's me.

Pirata13 · November 2010

I was going to say what vixey said. Talk to his mom, find out the history. My e-ring was my grandmother's. Sort of. My grandparents eloped originally, so I don't think she ever really had an e-ring. My ring actually belonged to her sister, who died very young, and my grandma ended up with the ring and wore it til she died. Despite being 1 of 6 granddaughters, my grandpap always told my dad he wanted me to have it. So it sat in my dad's safe for 20-some years til last year!

L-Bride · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hand-down-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb43f0c2-205a-4a20-80b8-8abf147f4b66Post:78b4dbce-3c4e-43bb-8331-3a5ba92c839a">Re: Hand me down ring??</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why you should have to make sure it's ok with FMIL before you trade it in. it's your ring, not hers. and she obviously didn't even care enough about it to want to put it to some special use. but that's me.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

I think she should talk to her FMIL first because she could be hurt by the fact that they disposed of the ring. The FMIL may have given it to be intended as her engagement ring.
It reminds me of that "Everybody Loves Raymond Episode" where Robert is having major money troubles so Debra and Ray gave him $2,000 and he went to Vegas with it. Debra and Ray were upset but Robert didn't see the issue since it shouldn't be up to them how he spent it.
Not a real life situation but it's the closest thing I could think of, ha.

L-Bride · November 2010

Oh yeah, I missed that.

To the OP: If she said do what you want with it, then do what you want with it.

Bubbalub · November 2010

Well, personally, I wouldn't trade the ring it, per se. I would keep the ring (family heirloom, regardless of it's previous purpose) and get a new ring entirely if it's that important to you. But, like Mery said, I don't see how a new ring would have more meaning or significance than a family ring unless you really don't like the ring itself.

My stone is from a ring H's mom gave him. It was not an engagement ring and never was but it was a family heirloom that had been passed down from mother to daugter for a couple generations. H is an only child so his mother gave him the ring and, knowing I don't wear yellow gold, told him to take the stone out and put it in a new setting for me. This ring is priceless in my eyes because his mother loves me so much that she gave him a piece of their family to give to me to wear for the rest of my life.

I, personally, would view the ring your FI gave you in the same light. His mother thinks highly enough of you to give your FI a ring for you that comes from his family, regardless of it's previous history. Who cares if it was not her engagement ring? It has a history and other rings can be symbolic of love besides engagement rings.

laladypoet · November 2010

I get the feeling that the OP isn't crazy about the ring, doesn't think it's "her" or whatever, but is afraid to sound shallow. so she came up with the whole "significance" bit. it's ok to be shallow, OP. if I didn't like my ring, I wouldn't be happy either.

AFSKMS · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hand-down-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb43f0c2-205a-4a20-80b8-8abf147f4b66Post:3035a684-8621-4a62-823b-597ba14ec48f">Re: Hand me down ring??</a>:
[QUOTE]I get the feeling that the OP isn't crazy about the ring, doesn't think it's "her" or whatever, but is afraid to sound shallow. so she came up with the whole "significance" bit. it's ok to be shallow, OP. if I didn't like my ring, I wouldn't be happy either.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

Woah, I wasn't trying to sound less shallow. I told the truth. I really don't know the history of it, and my FI's parents were seperated for a while - so it may be a ring from a fling. Seems a little like bad luck to me.

Honestly, from the beginning I told him it could be a rubber band, bubble gum machine ring and I could care less. It's not the ring that matters - it's the symbol. I suppose I didn't specify enough in the beginning about the entire story on the ring. My FI was the one who brought up the trading in, because he is interested in buying a full set for the two of us. Also, he is worried about the current ring standing up to my every day wear and tear of my horseback riding career. The current ring wasn't in the best of shape when he proposed with it - again, not the point - but he said he said he would like us to find something more like "me", and something that we both pick out.

Thank you everyone for your opinions.

AFSKMS · November 2010

I guess I was simply just wondering if people thought it was 'wrong' of us to be thinking about trading it in.

Bubbalub · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hand-down-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fb43f0c2-205a-4a20-80b8-8abf147f4b66Post:d0d14b3a-fdd2-4672-bddd-cd9842b24eee">Re: Hand me down ring??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hand me down ring?? : Woah, I wasn't trying to sound less shallow. I told the truth. I really don't know the history of it, and<strong> my FI's parents were seperated for a while - so it may be a ring from a fling. </strong>Seems a little like bad luck to me. Honestly, from the beginning I told him it could be a rubber band, bubble gum machine ring and I could care less. It's not the ring that matters - it's the symbol. I suppose I didn't specify enough in the beginning about the entire story on the ring. My FI was the one who brought up the trading in, because he is interested in buying a full set for the two of us. Also, he is worried about the current ring standing up to my every day wear and tear of my horseback riding career. The current ring wasn't in the best of shape when he proposed with it - again, not the point - but he said he said he would like us to find something more like "me", and something that we both pick out. Thank you everyone for your opinions.
Posted by AFSKMS[/QUOTE]

Why would you make that assumption? Did your FI's mom say something along those lines?

My MIL's ring was originally her mother's godmother's ring. The godmother bought it for herself because she wanted something pretty to wear, as far as I know, then passed it on to MIL's mom, who passed it to her. Just because a ring wasn't an engagement ring from a former husband doesn't mean it came from a "fling" or is bad luck.

Regardless, I agree with dnbeach that you should talk to your FI's mom about her feelings about actually trading the ring in, as opposed to keeping the ring and just getting you two a new set. Sure, it's nice to save money but if you two have decided to get married then you already know you will likely be spending money getting rings and should save the money up to pay for it.

AlmondWhittle · November 2010

I don't even like my MIL and I wouldn't trade in a ring she gave my H to get something I liked better. She kept it for a reason, so the least you can do is hang on to it and bust it out at holidays and stuff. That doesn't mean you have to wear it as your engagement ring, but I think trading it in for something else is a little rude and doesn't exactly send a nice message to her, you know? If your FI wants to buy a full set for you both, thats fine, but I wouldn't trade in the ring his mom gave him for it. Hell, you may want to keep it and pass it on to your kids or something someday.

lyndausvi · November 2010

My MIL gave us her ring. It was not her engagement ring. She just bought it for herself for the hell of it. It was a pear-shape which is not really favorite stone. We took the stone out and had it reset into a setting that did fit my lifestyle. Now it I love it.

So my question is why can't you just have the stone(s) reset to fit your tastes and lifestyle?

Hand me down ring??

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