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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

my fiance doesnt want a best man...

so my fiance is not particularly close with any of his groomsmen.... he has a church friend, my two brothers, an old high school buddy, and a mutual friend as his groomsmen. he doesnt want to have a best man, but i already have a matron of honor. and im not sure how to go about trying to convincing him that he needs to have one to handle certain duties or whether to even worry about it at all. 

One thing to have in mind.... more than half of our guests are pastors or are from our churches.....

The two people he would consider are not as mature as he is. His old highschool friend would most likely throw a bachelor party that involves alcohol and strippers (which my fiance doesnt want a bachelor party let alone he doesnt drink or want anything to do with strippers). Or my oldest brother, who really wants to be the best man,  recently did a best man speech for our middle brother that brought up the fact that the he had been seeing more than one girl when my brother and my now sis in law were first dating.

To try to make it easier I told him we wouldnt do best man/maid of honor speeches but have our fathers do them (since our parents were the ones who introduced us in the first place nd they are both pastors). This went over well with him. I also told him whoever he picked i would support.

So he decided to have his highschool buddy stand next to him during the ceremony but he is still saying he doesnt want a best man.

Does he have to have a best man????? who would we put in charge of certain duties like holding on to the ring, being his witness, getting him there in time and whatnot. I NEED HELP FIGURING OUT HOW TO HANDLE THIS!

Re: my fiance doesnt want a best man...

  • He doesn't have to have a best man.  The "duties" of a best man are to hold the rings during the ceremony, and the person standing next to him can do that.

    He doesn't have to have a b-party if he doesn't want one.

    Let it go.  This is not your call~whether or not he has a best man.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-doesnt-want-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:56de3df7-b86b-4b8c-83b0-885da651efb2Post:00f5c0a7-b03d-4b11-9c5e-fd5ccf64a6ed">my fiance doesnt want a best man...</a>:
    [QUOTE]so my fiance is not particularly close with any of his groomsmen.... he has a church friend, my two brothers, an old high school buddy, and a mutual friend as his groomsmen. he doesnt want to have a best man, but i already have a matron of honor. and im not sure how to go about trying to convincing him that he needs to have one to handle certain duties or whether to even worry about it at all.  One thing to have in mind.... more than half of our guests are pastors or are from our churches<strong>..... The two people he would consider are not as mature as he is. His old highschool friend would most likely throw a bachelor party that involves alcohol and strippers (which my fiance doesnt want a bachelor party let alone he doesnt drink or want anything to do with strippers).</strong> Or my oldest brother, who really wants to be the best man,  recently did a best man speech for our middle brother that brought up the fact that the he had been seeing more than one girl when my brother and my now sis in law were first dating. To try to make it easier I told him we wouldnt do best man/maid of honor speeches but have our fathers do them (since our parents were the ones who introduced us in the first place nd they are both pastors). This went over well with him. I also told him whoever he picked i would support. So he decided to have his highschool buddy stand next to him during the ceremony but he is still saying he doesnt want a best man. Does he have to have a best man????? who would we put in charge of certain duties like holding on to the ring, being his witness, getting him there in time and whatnot. I NEED HELP FIGURING OUT HOW TO HANDLE THIS!
    Posted by jana953[/QUOTE]

    What does he have to be mature enough to do as a BM that he wouldn't do as a GM?

    And just so you know, if he really wanted to plan a bachelor party for your FI, I don't think he would stop just because he wasn't the BM. 
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  • well this is the reason why i asked at the end of the first paragraph how to go about it if it really doesnt matter at all.... everyone in our families think he has to have the bestman which is why im asking you girls for your opinion. it doesnt matter who he does or doesnt pick, and i support him on whatever decision he would make. I JUST DIDNT KNOW IF ITS OK TO NOT HAVE A BEST MAN..... thus the initial post.

    as far as the maturity factor comes into play, i was telling you what my fiance is worried about (which is why im worried about it)... i have never met the guy and prolly wont until the wedding. maturity is a factor b/c HE wanted someone who would represent him well in the speech as the best man (which we decided against having speeches b/c NEITHER ARE MATURE ENOUGH).... over half of the guests will be pastors and/or church people.

    THE DIFFERENCE IS A GROOMSMAN DOESNT OPEN HIS MOUTH FOR A SPEECH AND TAKE CHARGE OF PLANNING THE BACHELOR PARTY. THE BEST MAN DOES THAT. 

    as for whether he could still try to plan a vulgar bachelor party, he could try but it wouldnt turn out to well, he lives  hundreds of miles away from everyone else in the wedding party including the groom, and he doesnt know the other guys.... my fiance and the other groomsmen wouldnt go for that type of party, two are youth pastors and two are churchmembers.... let alone if it did happen that he wouldnt be able to be part of the wedding party then.... my fiance and i have discussed no alcohol or strippers b/c if it happened there would be no wedding

    WE ARE JUST WANTING TO PREVENT POTENTIAL PROBLEMS AT OUR RECEPTION AND HIS  BACHELOR PARTY...... THATS ALL.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited November 2010
    Well that was quite the reply.  Although I think the ALL CAPITALS COMPLETE WITH UNDERLINING was quite unneccessary.  We are not stupid.  I understood what you were asking, and gave you my opinion, which hasn't changed.

    A toast does not have to be given by the Best Man.  It most certainly can be a GM instead.  And anyone can plan the bachelor party.  It can be a GM, the best man, the groom's cousin, or his dad.   And your FI is well within the grounds of propriety to decline any parties that he feels would be inappropriate and would make him uncomfortable.  He simply says "Thanks for the offer, but I won't be attending a party with strippers/alcohol as it's just not comfortable for me."  And then he doesn't attend.

    Anyway, I understood what you were saying. 

    ETA:  Your FI is a big boy.  He shouldn't need anyone to "get him there on time" for his own wedding.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • A best man makes a speech and plans a bach. party?  Someone should probably inform my H's best man of that, althought it'd be 8 years too late.

    Seriously, the title of best man is really an honorary thing.  My MOH and H's BM did exactly two things - hold the rings, and sign the marriage license as the witnesses.  Those are the only things that set them apart from the rest of the wedding party.

    Who holds the rings?  Well, you can each hold each others, you can give them to the pastor, or you can give them to one of the GM, it's really up to you.  And who signs the marriage license?  Again - up to you.  I vote for having a handwriting contest and choosing the two friends with the best penmanship.
  • No, he does not "have to" have a best man.  And, really, he seems perfectly fine without one (from what you've written).  If I were you, I would spend time worrying about something else.  He seems good to go on this!

    Good luck.
  • Ok, beside all of the other replies...here is my suggestion: My sister in-law did not have a maid of honor (even though she has 4 sisters), but she is very close to my brother's best man. So, they had him speak for both of them, including them in stories and how my brother acted when they first started dating. So if your MOH is close to your groom, then that might work.

    Also, my fiance is not having a best man because he has a few people close to him and does not want to offend anyone. There is no need to have a best man for whatever reason so dont even worry about it, his groomsmen will keep him in line:)

    Hope that helps!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-doesnt-want-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:56de3df7-b86b-4b8c-83b0-885da651efb2Post:b619aa04-7792-4ae9-a3c8-983f559825f3">Re: my fiance doesnt want a best man...</a>:
    [QUOTE]well the underlining, capitals, and long reply were meant for dnbeach12 b/c she didnt even give me her opinion about having a best man... she just was questioning our values . i was not trying to "yell" at anyone else but wanted to make sure i highlighted the parts that answer her questions. i appreciated your opinion trix and none of that was meant for you or anyone else. the things listed by wedding tradition were the ones i included in the reply.... not necessarily all of them we would do.... i do realize he is big boy and can get himself to the wedding.... <strong>but its technically part of what a best mans responsibilities are.</strong> I just wanted an honest reply about whether or not he would have to have a best man and you gave that to me... thank you. thats all i needed.
    Posted by jana953[/QUOTE]
    Nope, sorry.  The best man is not the groom's babysitter.  His responsibilities are technically the same as any other attendant (show up in approved attire, stand respectfully, smile for pictures), with the possible additions of holding the rings and signing the license.  Anything that he wants to do above and beyond that 1) is entirely optional and his choice to do, and 2) can be done by anyone, regardless of title.

    And I really didn't see anything in dnbeach's post to cause you to blow up like you did.
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  • edited November 2010
    I did not have an MOH and my husband did not have a best man. We each had 3 attendants. I'm not sure what he did, but I had both my BMs "in charge" of bustling, unbustling and straightening my train. One held my bouquet for the ceremony. My brother held onto the ring. Your FI can carry both rings with him and give them to the officiant when it's time. You can have your family members sign the marriage license, if applicable.

    PS - 4 people gave toasts. A mutual friend who witnessed the proposal, one GM, on BM and the FOG. We didn't really know/plan any of them in advance.
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  • Then he doesn't have a Best Man. It is his decision to make, it is not a breach of etiquette, and the world won't end. My FI is having a Best Man but, even though I have 4 BM, I am not having a MOH. I am not the least bit worried about who is going to hold my bouquet or do a toast on my behalf. In the greater scheme of things, these are non-issues that will work themselves out one way or another. You are going to give yourself an ulcer if you get this worked up about everything. Trust me, you will have enough to worry about while planning your wedding. Creating phantom problems is only going to make it worse. I'm sure you will be fine. Good luck.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-doesnt-want-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:56de3df7-b86b-4b8c-83b0-885da651efb2Post:46cee792-d817-4973-b9fa-71cec45a05dd">Re: my fiance doesnt want a best man...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: my fiance doesnt want a best man... : She was? Where?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I was going to say.</div><div>
    </div><div>Someone needs a Xanax.  </div>
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