Serious invite problem

mrswhiskey · May 2012

I have an older brother. I really wanted him to walk me down the aisle because our father died when we were very young. We've recently had a falling out because of an argument I had with his wife. I don't like her. Cannot stand her. She doesn't get along with anyone in my family or circle of friends. Even FH family has a certain amount of distaste for her. It would completely ruin my wedding day to have her there. But I know I'm supposed to invite her because she's married to my brother. I know he will still walk me, even though we don't have the best relationship at the moment. But I don't know if he'll even come if I don't invite his wife. Do I just call it what it is and ask someone else to walk me and avoid the situation by not inviting them at all? Or is there any way I can somehow make it okay to invite him and not her?

Edit- I should mention that I would be okay with having her there, but I'm afraid that she will go out of her way to be disruptive and make a scene. If I thought she could be an adult and be respectful, this wouldn't be an issue.

barbara1312 · May 2012

No, you really can't invite him and not her. It really isn't worth the hurt feelings it would cause for years into the future.

Just invite them both, and the chances are great you will be so happy on your wedding day that her presence won't bother you.

littleluckypenny · May 2012

Have him walk you if it's important to you. And invite his wife. Seems like you are close with your brother, even if you two are fighting at the moment. Think about it, would you regret him not walking you later on just because of a fight?

LEO2010 · May 2012

Absolutely not. You HAVE to invite her. It's a complete slap in the face to both her and your brother if you don't. If you want to salvage any sort of relationship with your brother then you have to make it bearable with his wife. She is not going away. You will absolutely make yourself the "bad" person if you don't invite her and push your brother farther away.

Trust me- I get it. I DO NOT get along with my soon to be brother-in-law. He is miserable in his marriage (they were legally separated, filed for divorce, and now are back together, but still unable to work through it) and when my FI asked him to be bm (which I wasn't happy about, but I wanted him to be happy) he said "getting married is the biggest mistake you'll ever make." Even though he was talking about marriage in general and not specifically about me, it definitely felt like a slap in the face. SO I GET IT!!! BUTTTTTT--- you have to try and make it work for your brother's sake. Even though I really detest my BIL- I want my fiance to be happy and being in the middle of a feud isn't going to make him happy. So put on a brave face, and make it work.

Ask yourself- is it REALLY worth it to completely lose your relationship with your brother because you don't want another face watching you from the crowd of people. From what I hear from other former brides- you won't even notice she's there because you'll be so happy.

If all else fails- be gracious and classy and invite her then hope she gets like pink eye or the flu or something and can't come.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed about my BIL haha...JOKING!

RebeccaB88 · May 2012

Seriously? No. You can't find a way to make it ok. Unless she's done something like sleep with the groom, attempted murder on your brother, she's still his wife. You don't have to like her being there. But she's your brother's wife unless they decide otherwise. If you invite him but not her, I'd say he'd be pretty justified in cutting off his relationship with you permanently. If that's what you want, by all means, let 'er rip. Still rude, but you can accept the consequences.
You don't have to tell us the circumstances of the disagreement (because it's none of our beeswax), but around here we usually expect the spouse to back up the other spouse in family disagreements, unless there's a really really really obvious reason why the spouse is completely in the wrong. So technically, we're probably going to side with your brother anyway, because he's standing behind his spouse.

whitsy · May 2012

You would completely not invite them at all just to avoid inviting his wife?

Invite them both, have him walk you down the aisle (if this is what you want), and just try to ignore her the best you can.

Pipesqueak · May 2012

Let me just say, if I could just not invite certain peoples wifes/husbands/bfs/gfs because I don't really like them, that would be awesome. But, that's not the way it works. I would think your brother (especially if you had originally wanted him to walk you down the aisle) would be too important to not have there on your wedding day, despite how you feel about his wife. Unless she has done something outrageous and is wanted for murder, I say sack up and just invite the 2. Have your brother walk you down the aisle and enjoy your day. You probably won't even notice her.

mbody · May 2012

Sorry Charlie, no can do. You've got to invite your bro's wife.

PetalPockets2012 · May 2012

You need to invite her. If she makes a scene it will make her look bad, not you.

ski2play · May 2012

Suck it up buttercup, you do not have a serious invite problem. Your wedding is well over a year away. I believe that you will regret not having your brother walk you down the aisle. Alot can change between you, your brother, and his wife in the next 455 days. Be the bigger person, a wedding is a "life" moment, not something that anyone should bring ill feelings into. As Petals said, if she acts out at the wedding, which I doubt she will, it will reflect very poorly on her not on yourself or your groom. Happy Planning.

kmmssg · May 2012

you have well over a hear before your wedding. Let this go and let the dust settle on your tif with your brother. She is a non-negotiable but you have a year plus to work on things.

wrigleyville · May 2012

I'm always amazed at the number of people who honestly think someone is going to create a scene at their wedding.

It would be interesting to see how often this actually happens, and if it's actually the person they suspected it would be (i.e. the SIL behaves herself, but the BM gets plastered and yells at the MOB).

Not criticizing, just surprised. I have an uncle who gets boisterous when he's drunk, but I've been to enough weddings with him to know my aunt doesn't have any issues with asking him to tone it down and/or saying, "Well, we're going to get some rest. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you for a lovely time," and then hauling him out the door.

mrswhiskey · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_serious-invite-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:890fc578-bafe-4f38-a2ff-124a9ba8cf5ePost:aeb23fce-ea80-449c-b132-c84c1281b09f">Re: Serious invite problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm always amazed at the number of people who honestly think someone is going to create a scene at their wedding. It would be interesting to see how often this actually happens, and if it's actually the person they suspected it would be (i.e. the SIL behaves herself, but the BM gets plastered and yells at the MOB). Not criticizing, just surprised. I have an uncle who gets boisterous when he's drunk, but I've been to enough weddings with him to know my aunt doesn't have any issues with asking him to tone it down and/or saying, "Well, we're going to get some rest. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you for a lovely time," and then hauling him out the door.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>She's already acted out at her sister's wedding because of something between them. It included a screaming match between her and the bride, followed by sobbing obnoxiously in her seat and then leaving early.</div>

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2012

Which is worse...having her at your wedding or NOT having your brother there?

wrigleyville · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_serious-invite-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:890fc578-bafe-4f38-a2ff-124a9ba8cf5ePost:bf536c7f-cc23-42ac-9898-2379c2503a63">Re: Serious invite problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Serious invite problem : She's already acted out at her sister's wedding because of something between them. It included a screaming match between her and the bride, followed by sobbing obnoxiously in her seat and then leaving early.
Posted by mrswhiskey[/QUOTE]
Oh wow. It's too bad she can't be an adult. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you didn't take my question personally. It's just something I think about every time I read a thread like this (we have 1-2 per day). :)

I guess it depends on how you want this to affect your future relationship with your brother. The argument might blow over, but if you don't invite him, he may never speak to you again. If you do invite him, you do have to invite his wife. Do your other relatives know about her behavior? If not, maybe you could give a couple people a heads up (like the ushers), and if she starts to get stupid, they could politely suggest it's time to go.

MobKaz · May 2012

"" I know he will still walk me, even though we don't have the best relationship at the moment.""

You clearly know that your brother, despite any issues, will be there to support you, regardless of whatever else is going on in your lives. I would hope you would do the same being his sister.

As others have said, you have time on your side at the moment. A lot can change between now and your wedding.

IF any drama would be created the day of the wedding, all you need to do is turn and walk away. That douses half the fire. The other half is on SIL, not you. Her prior behavior gives you the upper hand on knowing what, and who to avoid. For now, limit future communication with the SIL as much as possible to avoid further agruments/divisions.

whitsy · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_serious-invite-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:890fc578-bafe-4f38-a2ff-124a9ba8cf5ePost:bf536c7f-cc23-42ac-9898-2379c2503a63">Re: Serious invite problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Serious invite problem : She's already acted out at her sister's wedding because of something between them. It included a screaming match between her and the bride, followed by sobbing obnoxiously in her seat and then leaving early.
Posted by mrswhiskey[/QUOTE]

<div>What the bride should have done is walk away. Let her act like a crazypants. I would not have dealt with that on my wedding day. She fueled the behavior by reacting.</div><div>
</div><div>As others have said, you have plenty of time. While her behavior probably won't improve, you just never know. Try not to stress over this well over a year in advance.</div>

pokepoke27 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_serious-invite-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:890fc578-bafe-4f38-a2ff-124a9ba8cf5ePost:1f345e3c-66a6-40cf-8f3d-fd5765cedd05">Re: Serious invite problem</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to invite her. If she makes a scene it will make her look bad, not you.
Posted by PetalPockets2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Word for word what I was thinking lol</div>

willywally5 · May 2012

Totally agree with PP; She will look foolish if she causes a scene and you just ignore her. Further, there is a long time before your wedding and things might get better with the current tiff. Also, if she is a known crazypants, which it sounds like she is, your friends/relatives will just roll their eyes, turn their attention elsewhere, think she's pathetic, wonder why your bro puts up with it and feel sorry for you. So, while she might cause a nutty scene for a minute or two, it certainly isn't going to overshadow your beautiful wedding!

hannahmassey · May 2012

I have one of these, but its my FI's oldest older sister. Really sucks. I wish I could NOT invite her to any of our wedding related events, or anything we throw period, without any repercussions. Miserable bizniches. If you want him there then invite them both. Seat them in the back corner at the reception. If you can live with someone else walking you down the aisle, then do that instead.

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