sticky situation for the bridesmaids...NEED ADViCE!!!!!!!!

sunshiiine1313 · May 2012

Heeeyyy girls! (: I'm new to this site so please be gentle! hahah basically I have a tough situation going on with my friend's wedding and I really need some advice. Heeeere we go...so basically one of my best friends from highschool is getting married to her long time boyfriend/now obviously fiance. Five of the bridesmaids are all very close friends with the bride ever since highschool, when she started dating her fiance. Recently, and to all of our surprise, it has become very apparent that the bride cheats on her fiance nonchalantly and somewhat frequently. At one time or another, she has told this to all of us, as well as mentioned casually that she "hooked up" with a few of his fraternity brothers. She's been dating her fiance for about 7 and a half years, so we're all friends with him by now, and we really dont know how to handle the situation. If I were him, I would of course want to know the truth because I'd never want to marry a cheater, however it doesnt feel like its my place or any of the other girls' place to go to him with this information. We've talked about approaching the bride with our concerns, but quite honestly, this wedding planning has brought out the beast of the sweet, honest best friend we thought we had, and we feel like she would be extremely offended and aggressive if we tried to talk to her about it. To add insult to injury, we've all already invested hundreds of dollars into our bridesmaid dresses and various gifts, not to mention the $400 tab she suggested for her bachelorette party (and then got really mad when all of us came together and told her we thought that was a little ridiculous and we're all fresh out of college, we cant afford something like that!) So we need your help! It seems like everyone we ask about this says to just find a way to tell the groom, even anonymously, but we agreed that that's not the route we want to take. Should we come together and just explain to her that we're coming to her as her friends who have her best interests at heart?? HELP HELP HELLPPPPP!!!! thanks(:

bonge · May 2012

i would confront her, but be prepared for her to be super pissed. The thing is if you ALL go at her she will feel attacked. I can picture her kicking you all out, i wonder how that would go over well with the groom.

Honestly i could not support a wedding like that so i would drop out after i spoke with her, then disolve the friendship & tell her fiance, but that is just me & not advice i would give to most people.

I care more about the moral obligation rather than my loyalty to a friend who has no morals. I could not live with myself knowing that information & letting him marry her anyways.

It goes 2 sided for me, i would be extremely hurt & mad if my fiance cheated & everyone knew but didn't tell me. I would disolve all friendships. Also i would fully expect my friends to tell my fiance if i was cheating & told them about it as well.

mbcdefg · May 2012

It's none of your business. That being said, you don't have to support it: "Friend, under the circumstances, I think it's best that I not attend the wedding, because I'm just not comfortable standing as a witness to your marriage in light of what you've told me." But be prepared to end the friendship if you say this. If you don't want to end the friendship, then I'd just keep my mouth shut and let them work it out themselves.

msuprincess04 · May 2012

Wow. Yeah, I've been in that situation. And still went to the wedding without saying anything to the "happy couple". In the end, she walked out after 5 weeks to move in with her other boyfriend. So, yeah. There's not much you can do and it'll work itself out in it's own time. Truth be told, he always kind of knew about it, he just didn't want to hear about it and chose to look the other way. So, you've got a choice. Go, smile, party, keep mouth shut. Or walk away from the situation and your friendship.

HISVIENNA · May 2012

Agree with a few PP posts. If she wants to sleep around and still get married it's her life and body to do with as she pleases. Since she is the friend and you are only friends with HER man thru their relationship it's not hiding anything from him for it's not your responsibility to decide or change anything in their relations as a friend by association of her. If you tell him your basically intervening into their personal life and relationship and who’s to say anything good will come of that you may just loose both their friendships.

If you don't want to be whiteness to them getting married it starts an entirely different issue for the both of you but you must do as you feel on that matter.

I think if I were stupid enough to sleep around and get married while sleeping around I would be stupid enough to blame the person who told on me and kick the crap out of them for distoying my relationship. Not sure if she is violent but you never know when you mess with another persons life what you get LOL Just saying lol

kmmssg · May 2012

At the very least I would drop out of the wedding and I would be very frank about why I couldn't support it. So what if you already have the dress? I coudn't do it.

Also, I know everyone feels that minding your own business is best and I do see some wisdom in that. I do, however, have to mention that my first husband cheated on me for years and I never knew it. Almost all of my friends did. They are no longer my friends - I felt very betrayed that they would keep their mouth shut and "hope" my ex didn't give me an STD or worse. Before it happened to me I would have said absolutely stay out of it. After being the victim, I don't necessarily feel that way anymore.

sleepyb · May 2012

I completely agree with kmmssg. My boyfriend in college cheated on me with a girl on the edge of our social circle. When I found out about it (through her drunkenly telling me at a party), I received confirmation from "his" friends. We'd been together 5 years. The friends were his fraternity brothers but I saw and hung out with them daily. After that length of time, they were my friends too. I was furious at them almost as much as at the boyfriend. They should have stepped up and told me.

After 7 years, I'm assuming this guy is your friend. You need to find a way to let him know. It's humiliating enough to be cheated on. Can you imagine finding out later that your friends stood by and watched you marry that person?

VeronicaF377 · May 2012

Forget this bride. She'll get her dream divorce after her dream wedding. GOOD LUCK!

HISVIENNA · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sticky-situation-for-the-bridesmaidsneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c84b243-5ec7-46da-be2b-be9a674a7350Post:71d0856e-3a4b-4c51-a6f7-d0a49dc29ea1">Re: sticky situation for the bridesmaids...NEED ADViCE!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Forget this bride. She'll get her dream divorce after her dream wedding. GOOD LUCK!
Posted by VeronicaF377[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>THIS. :)</div>

sparent2010 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sticky-situation-for-the-bridesmaidsneed-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9c84b243-5ec7-46da-be2b-be9a674a7350Post:c4327411-5727-4247-a07a-0379e45fb9cd">Re: sticky situation for the bridesmaids...NEED ADViCE!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely agree with kmmssg. My boyfriend in college cheated on me with a girl on the edge of our social circle. When I found out about it (through her drunkenly telling me at a party), I received confirmation from "his" friends. We'd been together 5 years. The friends were his fraternity brothers but I saw and hung out with them daily. After that length of time, they were my friends too. I was furious at them almost as much as at the boyfriend. They should have stepped up and told me. After 7 years, I'm assuming this guy is your friend. You need to find a way to let him know. It's humiliating enough to be cheated on. Can you imagine finding out later that your friends stood by and watched you marry that person?
Posted by sleepyb[/QUOTE]

I am with SleepyB. I would honestly go to her first and tell her to come clean with him. I would also drop out of the wedding and not be friends with her. I would also tell the groom if she doesn't/ Why should he waste all this money if she can't keep it in her pants.

As far as the money you sank into it. You can always resell your dress.

jemmini6 · May 2012

If everyone knew that my H was cheating on me before we got married, and they let me go through with it, I'd be pissed. Generally, if you only had suspicions, I'd stay out of it, but since she's openly bragging about her infidelity to several people, I think she's made that proof fair game.

I'd still suggest confronting her about it and encourage her to talk to him about it, but if she doesn't, if you've ever considered this guy a friend, I'd at least casually mention something to him that he needs to talk to her about it.

Oh....and there's no way in hell I'd stand up in that wedding unless they resolved their issues. I refuse to be friends with or support those with extremely low moral character.

sunshiiine1313 · May 2012

thank you all for your responses!! i understand how it could look like their situation is none of my business, but the fact that she asked me to be in her wedding and then openly bragged about cheating, in my opinion, makes it my business. I would never want to go behind her back and go straight to her fiance with the information because although i completely disagree with what she's doing, I was friends with her first and my loyalty is more to her, as undeserving as her actions might make her. my main issue is that im putting myself in his shoes, and if i were him id want to know and not make the huge mistake of marrying someone who wont take the commitment seriously. it also honestly makes me sick to my stomach to think of standing up in the church as they get married and listen to her bullshit her vows and know this marriage is starting out as a complete fraud. confronting her is going to be extremely difficult and probably ruin our friendship, but at this point i really dont see any other option. it would only be expediting the process because i really dont see myself remianing friends with someone like this. we clearly no longer have anything in common, i think cheating is the most disgusting, cowardly and disrespectful thing someone can do, especially when theyre claiming they want to spend the rest of their life with their unknowing fiance. if you lay down with dogs, you rise up with fleas and i just dont feel like there's any reason or any good that can come of remaining close with someone who shows their true colors in this way. thanks again everyone!

gmcr78 · May 2012

I agree with most of the PP's and I think you're going about this the right way. Please come back and let us know the outcome of your conversation with her.

jemmini6 · May 2012

Let us know how it goes OP!

greenwoodheights · May 2012

I wouldn’t hem and haw, but just have a talk with her about your concerns- one on one. If you can’t put it behind you, I’d drop out and tell her why. If you talk to her about it and find they do have an open arrangement (though based on context, I have a hard time believing that’s the case as I think she’d mention that point if it were true), and you can feel peace of mind, go forth. If for whatever reason you can’t support the marriage, it seems inauthentic to stand up there, as that symbolizes that you do in fact support it.

It feels wrong to present a false sentiment, which, behind all the pageantry, is the most important part of the wedding. Of course, this would mean the friendship ending, so I suppose it comes down to what’s more important to you- your ethics, or whatever it is you’re getting out of this friendship that doesn’t quite jive with those ethics. I know there’s never enough money to go around, but I’d leave that out of it. Money can’t buy a good conscience.

banana468 · May 2012

I also completely agree with kmmssg and Retread.

Cheating isn't just an issue for one person. If that groom gets an STD that you could have prevented you took an active role in doing NOTHING.

Yes, it stinks to do it but he needs to know so he can choose whether or not to get himself tested.

I was chated on and I promptly had STD tests so I knew what the issues would be for me down the road. Now I have DH and he's been by me with no issues.

SHarrison2112 · May 2012

I would absolutely tell either the bride or groom what is going on and that you all know! As a friend and a good person you cannot let something like that go unspoken of. If he marries her and doesn't know and she continues to cheat on him he is wasting his life away with her. Coming from someone who has been cheated on in a similar position I would be furious to know that everyone else knew but me and NO ONE told me. You have to say something to her or him or both. Its just not fair to keep it a secret. It sucks bringing it up to either on but put yourself in his shoes, it would suck more knowing nothing.

violet355 · May 2012

since she's openly bragging about her cheating, and has done it multiple times, i say you should confront her first, gauge her side (possible open relationship, whatever)...and then warn her that if she doesn't tell her fiance, then you will.

people who cheat all the time usually don't change. it would be very unfair to the groom to let him walk down the aisle and pledge his life to someone who isn't willing to give the same amount to the marriage that he is.

and OP, it sucks that she's put you (and her other friends) in this situation. hope it works out.

sticky situation for the bridesmaids...NEED ADViCE!!!!!!!!

Re: sticky situation for the bridesmaids...NEED ADViCE!!!!!!!!

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