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Second Weddings
Am I being too sensitive? A bridezilla?
This is a second wedding for me, but first for my FI. Both are in our early 30s, no kids... except for the gestating one. 
Which hasn't yet been announced to our families.
I'm a little upset because many of my relatives have indicated that they don't think second weddings are worth celebrating (While my immediate fam isn't this way, many people in my extended family are extrememly religious; many went to pretty great lengths to make it clear they wanted nothing to do with me after my XH left me. I no longer speak to these people and will not invite them to the wedding.) But even the extended family who were supportive during the divorce, are lukewarm toward the idea of FI.
It's between me and FI what color dress I wear; I also don't feel I should have to be subjected to criticisms such as it's inappropriate to have attendants/ceremony/reception/etc, or that my BMs are out of line to throw the shower they're planning. (Unrelated of course, but I didn't have a shower for my first wedding, not to mention that one right now would be helpful actually, since I recently lost a lot of household items when my building had a fire!)
Am I being unreasonable to be hurt by my fam's lack of happiness for us/lack of interest in getting to know my FI? Yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but just because I had a brief, childless marriage several years ago doesn't make him second class or or wedding completely inconsequential. Nobody broke up anybody's marriage; there will be no kids/stepkids "traumatized" by the existence of a new spouse, etc.
It looks like it'll be mostly our friends and FI's fam at the wedding, which makes me feel really badly... FMIL in particular is very sensitive, and I know will take that as a sign that my family doesn't accept FI.
Of course I can't change other people's behavior/attitudes, but I do need to vent! Words of wisdom or advice on how to not be resentful is appreciated.
Which hasn't yet been announced to our families.I'm a little upset because many of my relatives have indicated that they don't think second weddings are worth celebrating (While my immediate fam isn't this way, many people in my extended family are extrememly religious; many went to pretty great lengths to make it clear they wanted nothing to do with me after my XH left me. I no longer speak to these people and will not invite them to the wedding.) But even the extended family who were supportive during the divorce, are lukewarm toward the idea of FI.
It's between me and FI what color dress I wear; I also don't feel I should have to be subjected to criticisms such as it's inappropriate to have attendants/ceremony/reception/etc, or that my BMs are out of line to throw the shower they're planning. (Unrelated of course, but I didn't have a shower for my first wedding, not to mention that one right now would be helpful actually, since I recently lost a lot of household items when my building had a fire!)
Am I being unreasonable to be hurt by my fam's lack of happiness for us/lack of interest in getting to know my FI? Yeah, the world doesn't revolve around me, but just because I had a brief, childless marriage several years ago doesn't make him second class or or wedding completely inconsequential. Nobody broke up anybody's marriage; there will be no kids/stepkids "traumatized" by the existence of a new spouse, etc.
It looks like it'll be mostly our friends and FI's fam at the wedding, which makes me feel really badly... FMIL in particular is very sensitive, and I know will take that as a sign that my family doesn't accept FI.
Of course I can't change other people's behavior/attitudes, but I do need to vent! Words of wisdom or advice on how to not be resentful is appreciated.
Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I being too sensitive? A bridezilla?
If your EF loves you and accepts you then I'm sure they will be there, for the ones who won't, they hey, too bad. I would try and look at it this way, the people who support you and love you will be there to share your day. The ones don't will you really care that day? Isn't it most important that you are marrying the man you love?
NO, you are not being unreasonable at all! It is sad to hear your family is acting that way. You are not branded or marked because you were married once before, and your extended family needs to get over themselves and stop judging you for being divorced! My XH was the same way in attitude - he used to tell me I had no reason biblically to divorce him, and that I would be branded an adulterer the rest of my life if I left him! Anyway, that is their issue not yours, and you are better off without them.
I am really happy for you to hear you found a wonderful man to share your life with, and that you are blessed with a child. I think you need to have your wedding exactly as you dream it to be - have your white gown or whatever color you want, your attendants, your bridal shower/bachelorette parties/reception - whatever you want! It's your and your FI's day to celebrate your lives together.
I really hope your immediate family will attend and be happy for you, because that is what it is all about.
I also know that you likely didn't mean to sound belittling, but even in cases where children ARE involved or a marriage did end due to a new relationship - that doesn't mean they are doomed, traumatized, or any "less than." When you start the "at least it's not..." such and such path - it's a lot easier for people to point out "reasons" why yours isn't "as great' as a first marriage, you know?
We're all in varying situations that have led us to another marriage, and they are all valid, excusable, or logical to the people in them. Everyone, your family included, needs to realize that no matter how something looks from the outside, it's how the people inside feel that matters. How to not be resentful is within you. We all have different ways of dealing with the negativity (if there is any) of our impending marriages.
Congratulations and good luck!
Absolutely not. They are your family. People who love you should be happy that you are happy. They might not agree with how you got there, but they should keep it to themselves.
Sadly, in the real world people suck. I think we have all learned through our divorces who our real friends and family are. I know that people I thought would always be there for me, turned out to be massively dissapointing. My best advice, is to try not to dwell on it. I know its hard, and personally, about once a month I think about it and it makes me sad. But then I think about the wonderfull people who are in my life and it helps me to move past it.
Absolutely do not let these people change anything about your wedding or your life. Do what you want and if they can't be supportive then you don't need them there. My own wedding will probably consist of mostly friends and his family. I do not expect much of my own family to travel to it. So I know how you feel. It makes you feel unimportant, but you are. Remember that.
[QUOTE]I also know that you likely didn't mean to sound belittling, but even in cases where children ARE involved or a marriage did end due to a new relationship - that doesn't mean they are doomed, traumatized, or any "less than." When you start the "at least it's not..." such and such path - it's a lot easier for people to point out "reasons" why yours isn't "as great' as a first marriage, you know? Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]
OMG! I am so sorry, I was being sarcastic with that comment, and it didn't come across that way. I don't think anyone's marriage is "less than", nor do I think that stepchildren are categorically miserable.
I'm a longtime stepchild myself, and as a small child became very quickly annoyed with the nosy neighbors, school counselors, and such who quite honestly, usually seeemed so dissapointed/ tried to tell me there was something wrong with me that I didn't especially hate my stepparent, stepsiblings, etc. (Not to say there are no problems and no resentment, but for the majority... I don't lose sleep over this at night) Even when I go back and visit my hometown, I feel like I let so many people down by growing up to be a productive member of society despite coming from a blended family.
I'd chalk this up to generational, but when my best friend married a man with a cute little boy, many people reacted to the news primarily like she was going to traumatize the poor child.
People are stupid.
I fully admit that I'm likely a bit more sensitive to it this week, after a total stranger took it upon herself to tell me that HER CHILDREN (she doesn't even have any) will never have to "live through" a divorce. Sure, I felt better after telling her that MY children will never have to live through the shame of having such a douche for a Mother, but still. Haha.
I hope you're having fun planning your wedding and have a few supportive people in your life to properly celebrate with you! When is the wedding?
[QUOTE]I figured you didn't mean that, I just thought I'd point it out. A lot of us with kids get the "but you're bringing a stranger into their lives and they will never believe in marriage" thing. I fully admit that I'm likely a bit more sensitive to it this week, after a total stranger took it upon herself to tell me that HER CHILDREN (she doesn't even have any) will never have to "live through" a divorce. Sure, I felt better after telling her that MY children will never have to live through the shame of having such a douche for a Mother, but still. Haha. I hope you're having fun planning your wedding and have a few supportive people in your life to properly celebrate with you! When is the wedding?
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]
One week after yours! :)
That ROCKS that you had that comeback! From the other side of the coin, stepparents quickly become not-strangers, and most (not mine necessarily, but most) very quickly come to love their stepchildren as their own.
Now the messed-up thing is, you're eeeeevil for bring a "stranger" into their lives (and a newborn baby is what to hizzer dad and siblings?), but you'd also get chastized for raising them as a single mom. Being a woman + being a mom = you can't do anything right!
Pisces, keep the people in your life that truly care about your happiness. Let the others go.
And remember when someone asks "You're not wearing a WEDDING dress, are you??"
Smile sweetly and say "Well, yes, it's a WEDDING. Where else would I wear the silly thing?"
[QUOTE]And remember when someone asks "You're not wearing a WEDDING dress, are you??" Posted by AdelphiTN[/QUOTE]
LMFAO!!! I haven't gotten the crap so much about the wedding dress, more the *white* dress. Something about how my having been married before, and being pregnant now, seems to make people think I'm not a virgin?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being too sensitive? A bridezilla? : LMFAO!!! I haven't gotten the crap so much about the wedding dress, more the *white* dress. Something about how my having been married before, and being pregnant now, seems to make people think I'm not a virgin?
Posted by PiscesFish[/QUOTE]
ha! how many first time brides are actualy virgins anymore? It's silly but because its the first it's ok to overlook that little detail. But god forbid you get married again! Then it makes a difference! that makes no sense. Anyone who says this to you needs a reality check.
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2) Invite everyone, those who want to attend will, those who do not, won't. I'm always about not "burning bridges" when it comes to family. My Mom's motto is "always take the high road". You don't have to seek your family's approval in any way, but invite them, then wait for their RSVP. You'll save a lot of grief that way.
3) Do what you and your fiance want in every regard.
Welcome & good luck.
I think, at the end of the day, that every new marriage is worth celebrating. I've pointed out to my mother that it's my FI's first wedding and doesn't she think his family wants him to have a proper wedding? She couldn't really bitch about that (although she's probably still trying to think of snarky comments). I'm sorry you haven't had much support, but I get it. Hang in there.
Oh, and my mom thinks I should wear a PANTSUIT. Yeah, I'm 33.
I say you are so fortunate. You have found a man you are better suited with than the first time, and you are starting a family with him. How wonderful! And what cause for celebration! I'd imagine you want a happy life...so, focus on what is wonderful...your upcoming marriage, baby, and the people who do support you. To focus on the things that bring you down (even if it's called "family") is really a waste of such special time.
You are better off without them in your life. Harsh, but true.