Inviting family mandatory?

vegasgroom · July 2010

I'm having a destination wedding in Vegas. The venue can accommodate a certain number of people. FI's parents are paying a large portion of the wedding and reception, I'm paying the rest. We'll be inviting a bunch of their friends, of course including all who came to the engagement party which they threw for us, as well as some others who didn't but that they want invited.

We don't want to over-invite because we don't want to run any risk of having more attendees than spots.

With the future inlaws' friends and all of our immediate family members getting invites, there's a limited number of spots left which has raised the question of what do do about family versus friend invites. I'm not very close with my family, on my mom's side it's easy as it's basically just her, but on my dad's side he has several siblings which means I have numerous cousins as well as two step-siblings. FI has a number of cousins fitting this description too.

So, does proper etiquette mean these non-immediate relatives need to be invited? I literally have not communicated with two of my cousins in more than 22 years, I'm mildly estranged from my dad due to issues with my step-mom but both of them will be there, dad's siblings will be invited (the cousins' parents), I have a step sister there's a mutual dislike with but a step-brother I'll be inviting. What it comes down to is should I allocate six spots for non-immediate family I don't communicate with and likely won't any time soon, or can I use those six spots for close friends who are guaranteed to come (some of whom I was at their weddings)? I really want to share one of the most important days of my life with people I'm close to rather than one's I feel obligated to invite but not sure what to do...

Lisa8888 · July 2010

You are not obligated to invite anyone. Invite the people that you really want to be there to celebrate your day.

InferiorToKaos · July 2010

I'm a bad person to ask on this subject. My rule for my guest list was that if I don't see you on a regular basis (at least every 6 months) then you weren't invited. Hence the reason I only had 35 guests, and pissed alot of people off. I still wouldn't have done it any other way though.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

If you haven't spoken to them in at least a year, you don't have to invite them. I didn't invite my dad's family at all.

Beachy730 · July 2010

You don't need to invite anyone you aren't close to. What might make it easier for you is to just make broad cuts. We don't have any of my or FI's second cousins invited. it was much easier to make one broad cut like that so nobody was upset that this cousin was invited but they weren't.

Invite who you want. I couldn't imagine not being able to invite important friends of mine because I had to invite some cousin that i hadn't seen or spoken to in 22 years.

lapcan · July 2010

I think that you only need to invite the people that you are close to. Like a previous poster said, if you havn't see someone or spoken to them in six months then I wouldn't consider inviting them. Don't invite anyone out of obligation.

Knittibell · July 2010

I agree- you don't HAVE to invite anyone. Invite the people you are closest to, the people you want to have there. If people complain, just say "We have extremely limited space, and just were not able to invite everyone, so I kept it to family members I speak to often."

mica178 · July 2010

We had to cut some family too because of space issues. Be prepared for people to talk. I know that at some point, someone will pull a "but his cousins were invited, why aren't you inviting X?" Umm, because FI actually sees his cousins on a regular basis, but I've seen some of my first cousins once in the last two years.

vegasgroom · July 2010

Well I don't feel as guilty about cutting them out now LOL. I was heading that direction either way by figuring some hurt feelings amongst distant family will just be an unavoidable consequence to get all our closest friends to be there, but I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one who's had to make that decision before.

twinkie757 · July 2010

Don't feel guilty at all! Even if you decided to invite them they might look at the invitation and say destination wedding of a relative I don't see or talk to -not happening.

I have a lot of family I invited that I know will not show up, but I did it to be nice. If I thought they might show up, they would not have been on the list.

twinkie757 · July 2010

Oh, they weren't invited for gifts either...they usually don't bother with things like that unless they show up. I just wanted to make sure I didn't sound like all I wanted was gifts from these people.

vegasgroom · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-family-mandatory?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09261022-5796-4d82-a2cf-7c8903489947Post:a5c1bab1-95df-4770-90ea-64cfd2f53412">Re: Inviting family mandatory?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't feel guilty at all! Even if you decided to invite them they might look at the invitation and say destination wedding of a relative I don't see or talk to -not happening. I have a lot of family I invited that I know will not show up, but I did it to be nice. If I thought they might show up, they would not have been on the list.
Posted by twinkie757[/QUOTE]

That's what we were doing originally, operating on the assumption they'd not come, but then we got nervous about doing that in case we had more attendees than seats so we're cutting back to only inviting as many as we can accommadate.

J. Ambre · July 2010

Invite whomever you damn well please. If your dad want to see his family, then he can throw a party and invite them (and feed them at his own expense).

InfamousQBert · July 2010

if your budget allows for this, one compromise might be to have a second reception in your home town after the wedding. it can be pretty low-key - like a picnic at a public park or something. my best friend did this with her wedding, since she was getting married in TX and knew most of her family from VA wouldn't be able to come. they had a full, but small, wedding and reception, and then they and the wedding party flew to VA a couple of months later for a bigger, less formal party. the key to this is letting those family members know that you're planning something after the wedding for everyone to attend.

in the end, though, i agree with most of the above posters. i totally sympathize with having family you don't particularly care about inviting and think that you should only invite who you want to celebrate with. if you're paying for the whole thing, it's totally your prerogative. if your parents are helping, you do kind of need to talk to them and discuss this to find out who is a MUST INVITE and who could be shuffled off to a later party.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

Honestly, I only invited my cousin (whom I've seen once in 10 years - at her father's memorial service last year) because she's my ONLY cousin. Her husband can't travel, so even if she and her son show up, that's 2 extra people. Plus, I like her. If I was having a very, very small wedding (or Vegas wedding) and had a lot of cousins, I may have made different decisions.

My dad has a HUGE extended family - like 40+ first cousins - and only wanted me to invite his 5 surviving aunts and uncles. No problem. But inviting the rest of his family would have given me about 200 extra guests. (And while I haven't seen many of them in the 7 years I've lived in California, they DO get together about twice a year.)

DWs are tricky. I bet you won't get 100% attendance, but at the same time, people might like to spend a few days in Vegas, so...

mandysmear · July 2010

I didn't invite some family. I think it's fine. If people get butthurt too bad. And really, what are the chances that even if they were invited they'd come to vegas, kwim? I wouldn't risk it by inviting them though.

You guys should surround yourselves with those who you know, love and see on a somewhat regular basis.

I did the: if i haven't seen you in 2-3 years, no invite and if I haven't talked to you in over 1 year, no invite, method.

CLSchramm · July 2010

I agree with pps on you should invite who is an important part of your life. I would also talk to your parents about this: My mom was a great sounding board for "oh, Great Aunt Vicky won't care/won't come anyway" and was very open to my opinions on 'well, I haven't seen third cousin Charlie in 10 years, I really don't think we need to invite him'

pokepoke27 · July 2010

Well, if you haven't seen them in 22 years, do you really care if they'll be offended by a lack of invite? Will they even know you're married? My mom is putting heavy pressure on me to invite people I apparently met when I was like 2 years old but haven't heard anything from since, but I think I'm going to have to put my foot down and say "Look - they don't care enough about OUR family enough to even let us know they're still alive so why should I care enough about THEM to invite them to my wedding?" Don't invite people that you don't want to.

jayasolo · July 2010

I have to agree with the other posters, it's important to invite those who are close to you and your fiance and who have been there and supportive. I'm not inviting a few extended family members because they simply are not a part of my life, one of them hates my mother (and quite frankly I think she hates me by association), and I have no intention of allowing that sort of emotion or fake affection to be invited to our wedding. My fiance wholeheartedly supports me. The way I see it, I'd rather invite those who have been a part of our lives than someone else who can't be bothered with me, just because they are technically "family".

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