major family issues (kinda long...sorry!)

jjcarmine · July 2012

Hi everyone,
I've been a lurker mainly but need some advice! My FI has had a really rough time in the past few weeks. He is one of 4 boys and just last month his oldest brother passed away. We still don't know from what circumstances but it's been really hard for him to deal with even though they weren't particularly close. His dad ever since seems a bit....off. FFIL and FI's brother had a very strained relationship so he wasn't really showing any emotion. All he wanted to do was pack the brother's stuff up so he could sell it, which sounds awful. At the viewing he wouldn't even stand by his family, he sat across the room away from FMIL and FI and his other two brothers. FMIL wanted to have a memorial service to include his family across the state who couldn't attend the viewing and his dad supposedly is unwilling to help and wants no parts of it. Obviously, this upsets my FI and I dont know what to do to help him in this situation.
His mom is definitely suffering a lot, I can't even imagine what's she's going though. Her and her husband have had their own struggles and they were actually seperated for a few years until FFIL's health declined. His mom is alone most of the time and we feel bad that she is suffering by herself. She seems to say that her husband doesn't want anything to do with the family anymore and never comes home anymore. I don't know how to help my fiance and this is definitely taking a toll on him and our relationship. Anybody with any advice out there? I told him to talk to his dad tonight about it and see what he says. Maybe ths is his way of grieving? IDK...any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

jjcarmine · July 2012

It's just been hard trying to communicate with him during all of this. I don't know what to do/say and obviously he's hurt and I can't help him fix any of it. I 100% support any decision that he decides to make regarding his family and I guess that's all I can really do.

jjcarmine · July 2012

Thank you for the advice! I will try to keep mum...I am usually very opinionated and vocal about things and at times when I know he is thinking about it I just want to pry information from him but I will let him have his space and hopefully when he talks to his dad everything will be ok!

kmmssg · July 2012

You know, you expect to lose your g'parents, and your parents, but losing a sibling? Not so much. I lost 2 brothers in 2006, 6 months apart. I'm a MOB so they were both in their 50's. May not seem so young to many of you, but it is insanely young.

I lost our parents when I was a little girl but never ever gave a thought about losing one of my brothers. It was a kick in the heart times a gazillion. I can't even come up with the words to describe what it felt like (still feels like) and how unimaginably difficult it is to deal with.

First thing - be there and be quiet for your FI. let him know you are there anywhere, anytime, for anything when it comes to his loss. Tell him that you are there and ready to listen when he wants to talk about his brother. Give him his space, don't hover over him, and let him figure this out. Remember that this won't just go away, this is a new way of life that he has to figure out and get used to.

Now for FFIL. Sounds like you have a man who had a strained relationship with his own child, that child has died, and now FFIL has to figure out what to do with his emotions and grief. Again, you can't fix this. FFIL will have to navigate this road. If he is withdrawing into himself, hopefully FMIL can help or get the help of the family Dr.

FMIL - holy cow, where to start. She is living with a man with whom she has had a shaky relationship. Her child just died, her husband appears to be withdrawing and is not there for her. She has to grieve the loss of her son, deal with having a partner who can't be supportive right now, and as a mom, she must surely feel the need to try to take care of everyone during this time.

Your role is listener, not fixer. Listen, ask FI what he needs from you. If he says he doesn't know, then just be around for when he figures it out. Don't try to fix everyone, don't try to come up with ideas for everyone. Be that one rock in the background that can be counted on if someone just needs to get out of the house, just needs a dinner made, just needs help with the house. Be the rock. Rocks are quiet and steady.

RamonaFlowers · July 2012

Your FI's father just had to bury one of his own children. Possibly the single hardest thing anybody could ever be expected to do, even if their relationship wasn't all that great. No sane person with a shred of human emotion can just swallow something like that.

I'm not trying to say that your FI isn't hurting here or that he's necessarily "wrong" ... but he can't control how his dad grieves. He just can't. You need to be supportive of your FI (be a shoulder for him to cry on, or an open ear when he needs it), but when it comes to how his family is handling it, and how your FI handles his family handling it, you need to just stay out of it.

jjcarmine · July 2012

Thank you very much kmmssg for your reply. You hit the nail on the head. I am a fixer and tend to be more vocal at times. I constantly think of ways/ideas that can help FI's family but I know in the long run that it's up to my FI to make those decisions. I feel like I have been too vocal during all of this and I will have to learn how to be that rock you are talking about. It's just very hard. I have never lost someone so close to me so I've been learning about how to deal with the situation appropriately. I just want to help him but now I'm afraid that I've been over-stepping my boundaries. I will try to fade into the background and be there for when he needs me instead of taking the reigns and offering advice.

jjcarmine · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_major-family-issues-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0c2674b9-3d1b-4943-8dca-80665835379ePost:38b312c5-4183-429e-a63d-d86d23e3ac01">Re: major family issues (kinda long...sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FI's father just had to bury one of his own children. Possibly the single hardest thing anybody could ever be expected to do, even if their relationship wasn't all that great. No sane person with a shred of human emotion can just swallow something like that. I'm not trying to say that your FI isn't hurting here or that he's necessarily "wrong" ... but he can't control how his dad grieves. He just can't. You need to be supportive of your FI (be a shoulder for him to cry on, or an open ear when he needs it), but when it comes to how his family is handling it, and how your FI handles his family handling it, you need to just stay out of it.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your reply. I have been trying to stay out of it as best as I can and give him and his family space. My fiance is just upset because I think he just expected his dad to be around more for him, his other two brothers, and his mom. I also think he is upset because his mom is dealing with this alone. We are 2 1/2 hours away from her so we are not around as often as we would like to be. I know I can't fix it but it saddens me to see my fiance this way.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_major-family-issues-kinda-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0c2674b9-3d1b-4943-8dca-80665835379ePost:c6172882-58cb-4205-a634-8b626ae7e9c8">Re: major family issues (kinda long...sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you very much kmmssg for your reply. You hit the nail on the head. I am a fixer and tend to be more vocal at times. I constantly think of ways/ideas that can help FI's family but I know in the long run that it's up to my FI to make those decisions. I feel like I have been too vocal during all of this and I will have to learn how to be that rock you are talking about. It's just very hard. I have never lost someone so close to me so I've been learning about how to deal with the situation appropriately. I just want to help him but now I'm afraid that I've been over-stepping my boundaries. I will try to fade into the background and be there for when he needs me instead of taking the reigns and offering advice.
Posted by jjcarmine[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Let him know you are there and that you realize this isn't something you can fix and help everyone "be all better." Just let him know you love him and you are there when he needs you. I'm a fixer too and have learned over the years to zip it an just let people talk. They aren't looking for a solution quite often, they just need a loving ear to listen. So, now you can be a rock with ears.

</div>

cwaggoner07 · July 2012

My mother comes from a broken home, and my dad does not. FI comes from a broken home, and I do not. My mom once told me that sometimes it can hurt her feelings when my dad makes comments about the people who are screwed up in her family (and there are some). She said yeah, her family is dysfunctional, but it's HER family, and he doesn't know what it's like to struggle with a strained family life.
She reminded me of this when FI and I got engaged, that the feelings he deals with, I will never be able to understand, and that I should never talk poorly about his family. Because of course he is going to be jealous of my 'perfect' upbringing, but the best thing to do is listen and never ever speak ill of his family, because it's still his family.
I would suggest really trying not to speak negatively about them, even if he does first. Just let him deal with his family internally and let him know you are there.

cofkel · July 2012

Chime in,
Sorry I don't post on this often, but I wanted to chime in. I lost my little brother last year, and know first hand 1. the strain is puts on your relationship and 2. the strange way different people react. I was like a robot for a few months, while the rest of my family was crying and hysterical I was calmly negotiating my brothers memorial service, canceling his cell phone, and cleaning out his apartment. I can imagine if it was a strained relationship how much worse it can be. I think just from the other side, and knowing how amazing my finance was through all of it I would say to just be there for him, try not to stress him out anymore than he already is (even if it mean biting your tounge with things for a little while). I am also going to say in my opinion with adult children when a sibling dies, you are a secondary mourner. Your parents are not capable of "parenting" you during this time and you need to parent them. I am sure your FI is hurting because he also wants his parents to be "all better" and take care of him (this is how I felt, I think you revert back to some childlike tendencies during times of extreme crisis) but that's not how it work. He needs to support his mom, a lot. Probably more that he ever though he would have too, because while losing a sibling is horrible, its nothing like losing a child. Just my 2 cents!

major family issues (kinda long...sorry!)

Re: major family issues (kinda long...sorry!)

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