Guest List Issue

eds329 · January 2010

Here is my issue, FI and I work at the same place (a country club), so a lot of people from work know about and will most likely be attending the wedding. I share an office with another women who's husband also works with us, but FI can not stand him.

He is a chef and has a hot temper and often takes whatever the issue is out on the servers (that's FI part time job). One day the Chef will cuss at and belittles FI and then the next day be very kind and ofter to help him with leads for full time teaching jobs. So it's not like this guy is a complete a** all the time.

Needless to say I am very close with his wife and she is already listening to me plan all sorts of details and there is no way I can consider not inviting her to the wedding, she would be so hurt, especially if others from work were invited.

I just don't see the big deal in having them both attend. On more days than not this guy is in his nice mood. And has even "blown-up" at me before, but I know that's just how he operates and I get over it.

So do I...

a) say absolutely no one from work (his friends or mine) are invited. and risk hurting lots of people

b) ignore his feelings and side with the co-worker I spend 40 hours a week with and invite her and her husband

c) just hurt the feelings of the co-worker and her husband.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

thesuninherhead · January 2010

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f3e3a8-ef22-4d22-82f3-6fac7e9aaed8Post:2202ef5c-9012-43c2-bbbb-f705b836183c">Guest List Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is my issue, FI and I work at the same place (a country club), so a lot of people from work know about and will most likely be attending the wedding. I share an office with another women who's husband also works with us, but FI can not stand him. He is a chef and has a hot temper and often takes whatever the issue is out on the servers (that's FI part time job). One day the Chef will cuss at and belittles FI and then the next day be very kind and ofter to help him with leads for full time teaching jobs. So it's not like this guy is a complete a** all the time. Needless to say I am very close with his wife and she is already listening to me plan all sorts of details and there is no way I can consider not inviting her to the wedding, she would be so hurt, especially if others from work were invited. I just don't see the big deal in having them both attend. On more days than not this guy is in his nice mood. And has even "blown-up" at me before, but I know that's just how he operates and I get over it. So do I... a) say absolutely no one from work (his friends or mine) are invited. and risk hurting lots of people b) ignore his feelings and side with the co-worker I spend 40 hours a week with and invite her and her husband c) just hurt the feelings of the co-worker and her husband. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Posted by eds329[/QUOTE]</p><p>Given that it's also your FI's wedding, I don't see how #2 can even be an option on your radar... </p>

EmmaBride2B · January 2010

A seems a bit drastic, and as far as B goes - ignoring your FI's feelings is never a good idea. C seems hurtful to your co-worker/friend. Can you talk to your FI about the issue? You said he doesn't like him, but does that dislike extend to not wanting to invite this couple at all?

FWIW, we invited a good friend of my mom's, and her husband can sometimes be a huge jerk, and has been known to have alcohol issues. We let the bartender know the issue, and invited them both. And to be honest, I didn't even notice him there.

sarah0725 · January 2010

I would talk it over with your FI. You definitely can't invite the coworker without her husband, and given that you are close to the coworker, you can't really invite other coworkers and not her without possibly bruising the friendship. You also can't ignore your FI's wishes. But a bit of conventional wisdom around here that a lot of the married ladies share (haven't experience it myself yet because I'm not married) is that on your wedding day, you will both be so happy and busy and on a cloud that you will barely have time to eat the delicious food that you have spent so much time picking out, let alone notice whether one particular annoying person has attended or not. If I were in your shoes, I would invite the bratty husband, but keep a mental note that he might be a buzzkill and avoid him other than the requisite table visit.

Once again, not saying you should ignore your FI's wishes, but if you want to talk to him about what is the right thing to do, mention that he probably won't even notice douchey husband's presence on the day of the wedding anyway.

EmmaBride2B · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5f3e3a8-ef22-4d22-82f3-6fac7e9aaed8Post:2b9ab0fe-8bae-4e7d-a5e6-e5d5dd95f3e1">Re: Guest List Issue</a>:
[QUOTE]on your wedding day, you will both be so happy and busy and on a cloud that you will barely have time to eat the delicious food that you have spent so much time picking out, let alone notice whether one particular annoying person has attended or not.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

<div>You conveyed much more eloquently what I was trying to say.</div>

SaraAndrew2010 · January 2010

Invite the co-worker and her husband, even though he is a jerk. The fact that co-worker's husband can be an a$$ does not mean that you should have to rethink your entire guest list and not invite any co-workers. While you could just exclude the one couple, it sounds like you don't want to do that. If the co-worker is a friend of yours and you want to invite her you should be able to (and the husband has to be invited too).

There are several friends of my FI that I don't really care for who will be invited too our wedding and FI's uncle has remarried to a woman no one in the family can stand. However, you can't invite a person without their spouse, so we just have to live with it. Even though FI is inviting some people I don't like, I try not to stress it out because in all likelihood I won't have to talk to them for more than a minute at the wedding, so why make a fuss?

lyndausvi · January 2010

In life there are compromises. Inviting the couple might be ignoring your FI's feelings. At the same time NOT inviting them would be ignoring the feelings you have for your co-worker.

Personally I would invite the couple. If he is a chef and it not fond of your FI, he might not come anyway. My DH is a chef and works every weekend because that is when he is the busiest. He would not take off for a wedding for someone who he is not really good friends with (I would attend alone).

eds329 · January 2010

I think my original post came off a bit harsh. I don't want to ignore my FI's feelings in the slightest, that's just the way he put it in the heat of the arguement.

I have also told him exactly what you all said. We are going to be so busy enjoying ourselves that he will not have to pay any attention to one single guest, especially one he is not fond of. So thanks for your help and imput, I think they are going to end up being invited and he will just have to pretend he is not present.

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