FMIL

lenamarie0812 · October 2010

SO.. I THNK MY FMIL HATES ME. I DONT EXACTLY FIT IN TO WHO SHE WANTS HER SON TO BE WITH.. EX.. AGE ( IM 8 YRS OLDER) RELIGION ( BELIVE IN GOD, BUT DONT GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK) HOWEVER SHE HAS TOLD HIM AND I THAT SHE IS HAPPY WITH THE WEDDING AND EVERYTHING. ITS JUST THE BOSY LANGUE AND THE WAY SHE ACTS WITH ME, COMPARED TO HOW SHE ACTS WITH MY FIANCE"S SISTER AND HUSBAND. I DONT FEEL LIKE I AM PART OF THE FAMILY AND PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO ELOPE. WHAT DO I DO?

AutumnFair · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4664bc2-ca7d-4718-92cd-ef7a4c57bdc3Post:6a7a0f05-4a12-4947-a9d9-4fb53fc8e21d">FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]SO.. I THNK MY FMIL HATES ME. I DONT EXACTLY FIT IN TO WHO SHE WANTS HER SON TO BE WITH.. EX.. AGE ( IM 8 YRS OLDER) RELIGION ( BELIVE IN GOD, BUT DONT GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK) HOWEVER SHE HAS TOLD HIM AND I THAT SHE IS HAPPY WITH THE WEDDING AND EVERYTHING. ITS JUST THE BOSY LANGUE AND THE WAY SHE ACTS WITH ME, COMPARED TO HOW SHE ACTS WITH MY FIANCE"S SISTER AND HUSBAND. I DONT FEEL LIKE I AM PART OF THE FAMILY AND PART OF ME JUST WANTS TO ELOPE. WHAT DO I DO?
Posted by lenamarie0812[/QUOTE]

<div>First, you need to calm down. Grab some wine and take a hot bath to relax.</div><div>
</div><div>Second, sadly, there is no magic advice out there to make your FMIL to like you. If she chooses to dislike like you then she is kind of digging herself in a hole when it comes to future relationships with possible grandchildren. Sometimes people are really hard to get to open up, so it might take years of her getting to know you that she slowly gets more comfortable to you entering her family.</div><div>
</div><div> The one thing that you should be concerned about is what actions does your FI take when your FMIL is being rude or bossy? It's up to HIM to dissolve any mistreatment your FMIL does to you and HE needs to set boundaries if she gets too bossy. </div><div>
</div><div>If you really want to elope you need to discuss it with your FI. Weddings shouldn't be so stressful that you have break downs, a party celebrating your marriage is not worth your sanity. But take a breather and talk to your FI about the stress your FMIL is putting you through. </div><div>
</div><div>Your vent is really vague on what she does and how this is effecting your wedding planning but hopefully this advice is relevant to your situation.</div>

tldh · October 2010

First of all, STOP YELLING.

This is your FI's problem to handle. If he isn't standing up for you and demanding that his mother treat you with respect (regardless of his presence) then you have bigger problems here.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

1: Turn off caps lock.

2: Spell check will make it easier for people to read your posts and respond accordingly.

3: Where is your FI in all of this? If he's on your side and willing to stand up to her for you, then who really cares what she thinks of you? If that's not the case, then she's not your problem, he is.

4: Eloping will not make her vanish in a puff of smoke. If anything, it will make her hate you more.

Kristin789 · October 2010

First of all, you aren't part of the family, and you won't be until your wedding which is a YEAR away.

Why are you so upset/disappointed that FMIL isn't being all like a friend to you? She's not. She's never going to be. If you and she were at the cooking demonstration at the local supermarket on the same Saturday morning, you two would never even strike up a conversation. She only knows you because her son dates you and is now engaged to you. Period. You only know her because she's your FI's mom. Not your new best friend. Get over that right now.

And you really shouldn't compare your relationship with FMIL, with the relationship that your FI's sister and her husband have with FMIL. Of course FMIL is more like a parent-friend to her own DAUGHTER, and it's been fun for her to help her daughter get married and get going with cooking and buying stuff for their place, etc. FMIL knows that she can't be the same with YOU. You already HAVE a mother and other female mentors in your own family who will help you with cooking and buying stuff for your place to live and with other "first year of marriage" issues.

mkrupar · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4664bc2-ca7d-4718-92cd-ef7a4c57bdc3Post:2df11e9d-32df-4326-b304-ee00085022ea">Re: FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, you aren't part of the family, and you won't be until your wedding which is a YEAR away. Why are you so upset/disappointed that FMIL isn't being all like a friend to you? She's not. She's never going to be. If you and she were at the cooking demonstration at the local supermarket on the same Saturday morning, you two would never even strike up a conversation. She only knows you because her son dates you and is now engaged to you. Period. You only know her because she's your FI's mom. Not your new best friend. Get over that right now. And you really shouldn't compare your relationship with FMIL, with the relationship that your FI's sister and her husband have with FMIL. Of course FMIL is more like a parent-friend to her own DAUGHTER, and it's been fun for her to help her daughter get married and get going with cooking and buying stuff for their place, etc. FMIL knows that she can't be the same with YOU. You already HAVE a mother and other female mentors in your own family who will help you with cooking and buying stuff for your place to live and with other "first year of marriage" issues.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Do you believe this of all MILs or just this one. I think it's ridiculous to think that no MIL will ever be warm towards their DIL or even treat her as a friend or part of the family. You make it sound like DILs are second class citizens. Should OPs mother treat her FI like that because he's "not yet part of the family"?

OP - PPs (besides Kristin) are right. If FMIL is rude in any way FI should step up for you. It may just take a while for her to warm up to you. You may never be close. Not everyone gets along with their ILs, but there's no reason she should be openly rude about anything and it shouldn't be tolerated by you or your fiance.

trix1223 · October 2010

I'm hoping that Kristin#s is speaking about the MIL/DIL relationship in this case only. Because I have to say that I have a terrific relationship with my DIL. She calls me just to chat, sends emails, texts, etc. We go shopping together and more.

My mom had an amazing relationship with all of her children-in-law, including her DIL. MIL/DIL relationships don't have to be ugly, and in fact, many are wonderful and filled with mutual respect.

OP: You need to give this time. Perhaps she doesn't like you now. Okay~then the ball's in your court to change her mind. Treat her with kindness and respect, even if you don't get it back yet.

You can't force a relationship. You have to grow a relationship over time. I get that it might be frustrating, but the fact is that you're trying to make something happen, and you're pushing.

I do agree with Kristin that you can't compare your relationship with your FMIL to the relationship she has with her daughter. That's just silly.

Relax. Stop trying to force something that might just take time, and as unfortunate as it could be, might not ever happen.

lalap69 · October 2010

Stop yelling!! No wonder you're having problems if you're yelling all the time.

Get your FI involved. If he won't stand up for you now, things won't change once you're married.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e4664bc2-ca7d-4718-92cd-ef7a4c57bdc3Post:2df11e9d-32df-4326-b304-ee00085022ea">Re: FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, you aren't part of the family, and you won't be until your wedding which is a YEAR away. Why are you so upset/disappointed that FMIL isn't being all like a friend to you? She's not. She's never going to be. <strong> If you and she were at the cooking demonstration at the local supermarket on the same Saturday morning, you two would never even strike up a conversation.</strong> She only knows you because her son dates you and is now engaged to you. Period. You only know her because she's your FI's mom. Not your new best friend. Get over that right now. And you really shouldn't compare your relationship with FMIL, with the relationship that your FI's sister and her husband have with FMIL. Of course FMIL is more like a parent-friend to her own DAUGHTER, and <strong>it's been fun for her to help her daughter get married and get going with cooking and buying stuff for their place, etc.</strong> FMIL knows that she can't be the same with YOU. <strong>You already HAVE a mother and other female mentors in your own family who will help you with cooking and buying stuff for your place to live and with other "first year of marriage" issues.
</strong>Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristen welcomes you to 1950.

FMIL

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