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Wedding Woes

Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding

Long story short my maid of honor has been my best friend for over 5 years. She lost her father about a year ago. About 6 months after her father passed i got engaged. I never imagined anyone being my maid of honor but her, so i asked her. She said yes, and since that day my wedding plans have been hell. She doesn't help with ANYTHING. She didn't plan my bridal shower until the week of after i reminded her. She didn't go to my dress fitting, or seem to care. She didn't plan my bachellorette party so my other bridesmaids helped out and then at last minute she decided to make appetizers and take credit for everything. A week before our wedding (now) we've decided we wanted to do a little dance at our wedding (a minute long). The dance is choreographed really easy and everyone will have partners and dance together. Everyone except her managed to come practice. I know she is a single mother and her schedule is busy, so i sent her the video and told her since she can't come practice she can learn it the on her own. She took it the wrong way. She through a fit, said i ruined her day, and she's not doing it. She told me to quit texting her! With only a week away im starting to worry if she will even show up to rehearsal. She has been more of a burden than i help throughout this process. What do i do at this point?

Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding

  • I think you should just talk to her about her attitude and what your expectations of her are. Maybe she really doesn't know. And if you've already made these expectations clear and she's still being unhelpful, maybe she's just dealing with some other issue. In that case, I'd just try to let it roll off your shoulders and not ruin the wedding for you.
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  • You're being unreasonable.  And the choreographed dance is lame as hell.
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  • Wow.  I agree.  You need to either talk to her about it or just let it go and enjoy your wedding day.  Maybe she thought all she had to do was show up to these things.  I don't know if you did, but you should have told her your expectations before she accepted being MOH.  I'm lucky to have my sister as my MOH and she and my mom already offered to do the bridal shower and help with decorating for the reception.  And that's all I expect from them because they offered.  I'm already planning my own bachelorette party because I don't want to force my bridesmaid to plan it.  Plus it's less stressful when I know what's going on.  Just try talking to her and ask her what's going on.  Maybe her life is really hectic and she didn't tell you or she doesn't know how to handle everything.  Good luck! 
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  • I am really cringing at all the "talk to her about your expectations" responses, as though you're her boss and she's a new hire.  She's your best friend.  That's what the maid of honor is, someone who is honored by the bride acknowledging their long-standing relationship by having her stand with her, at the wedding, in a dress.  It's not an unpaid job, and there aren't really any responsibilities, despite all of the wedding shows and magazines trying to drum up drama and business by treating it as a job.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:16c01288-5892-4c3f-8b54-fb73ce4163ac">Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am really cringing at all the "talk to her about your expectations" responses, as though you're her boss and she's a new hire.  She's your best friend.  That's what the maid of honor is, someone who is honored by the bride acknowledging their long-standing relationship by having her stand with her, at the wedding, in a dress.  It's not an unpaid job, and there aren't really any responsibilities, despite all of the wedding shows and magazines trying to drum up drama and business by treating it as a job.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
     Kuus is the only responser thus far with any sense. I would recommend listening to her. <div>
    </div><div>Your WP is only required to show up on time the day of the wedding, wearing the requested outfit, stand up with you during the ceremony, and in the case of the MOH/Best Man, possibly give a speech. </div>
  • You need to reevaluate your expectations. Is this worth the friendship? Are you convinced you're being a best friend to her as well? It's difficult from both sides because I know you're excited and your whole world is WEDDINGS WEDDINGS WEDDINGS, but it's difficult for those who are not in that same mode. You want to still have a best friend after the wedding, right? It sounds like you two need to spend a bit of time communicating how you're feeling, what you expect/want/need from the friendship, etc, so that it can survive. Friendships don't just continue to exist without nurturing, and that nurturing can't be just one way.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:da2c6791-ec2f-4ae2-9ec0-101a3edd0d56">Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Long story short my maid of honor has been my best friend for over 5 years. She lost her father about a year ago. About 6 months after her father passed i got engaged. I never imagined anyone being my maid of honor but her, so i asked her. She said yes, and since that day my wedding plans have been hell.<strong> She doesn't help with ANYTHING. She didn't plan my bridal shower </strong>until the week of after i reminded her. <strong>She didn't go to my dress fitting</strong>, or seem to care. <strong>She didn't plan my bachellorette party </strong>so my other bridesmaids helped out and then at last minute she decided to make appetizers and take credit for everything. A week before our wedding (now) <strong>we've decided we wanted to do a little dance at our wedding </strong>(a minute long). The dance is choreographed really easy and everyone will have partners and dance together. Everyone except her managed to come practice. I know she is a single mother and her schedule is busy, so i sent her the video and told her since she can't come practice she can learn it the on her own. She took it the wrong way. She through a fit, said i ruined her day, and she's not doing it. She told me to quit texting her! With only a week away im starting to worry if she will even show up to rehearsal. She has been more of a burden than i help throughout this process. What do i do at this point?
    Posted by crysfc08[/QUOTE]

    See all that stuff I bolded? She's not required to do any of that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:060e4a95-7705-4a33-af5c-692e029d21f1">Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should just talk to her about her attitude and what your expectations of her are. Maybe she really doesn't know. And if you've already made these expectations clear and she's still being unhelpful, maybe she's just dealing with some other issue. In that case, I'd just try to let it roll off your shoulders and not ruin the wedding for you.
    Posted by Joanna2385[/QUOTE]

    Good lord.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:da2c6791-ec2f-4ae2-9ec0-101a3edd0d56">Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Long story short my maid of honor has been my best friend for over 5 years. She lost her father about a year ago. About 6 months after her father passed i got engaged. I never imagined anyone being my maid of honor but her, so i asked her. She said yes, and since that day my wedding plans have been hell. She doesn't help with ANYTHING. She didn't plan my bridal shower until the week of after i reminded her. She didn't go to my dress fitting, or seem to care. She didn't plan my bachellorette party so my other bridesmaids helped out and then at last minute she decided to make appetizers and take credit for everything. A week before our wedding (now) we've decided we wanted to do a little dance at our wedding (a minute long). The dance is choreographed really easy and everyone will have partners and dance together. Everyone except her managed to come practice. I know she is a single mother and her schedule is busy, so i sent her the video and told her since she can't come practice she can learn it the on her own. She took it the wrong way. She through a fit, said i ruined her day, and she's not doing it. She told me to quit texting her! With only a week away im starting to worry if she will even show up to rehearsal. She has been more of a burden than i help throughout this process. What do i do at this point?
    Posted by crysfc08[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>There are things you as the bride need to understand. The only two people the absolutely have to do a thing is you and your fiance. Everyone else helping is just icing on a cake. All those little parities the bride and groom gets...they are GIFTS from friends/family. Not requirements.  </div><div>
    </div><div>And with all that aside..question for you is how close were her and her father? Something to think about </div><div>
    </div><div>What you do is lay off. You are not being fair at all. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:c03a61a1-b857-480f-807e-09eb551a726e">Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're being unreasonable.  And the choreographed dance is lame as hell.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
    This. Strongly this.

  • I think she will show up if she is your best friend. In the meantime, I say give her a few days of space and then ask her if you can talk to her, explain to her your feelings with lots of detail, so she won't take anything wrong. But.. if that doesn't work, then you tried your best. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.. /: Good luck girl. 
    Lindsey D. marrying love of my life 7.8.2013. Baby #1 on the way mid-October! (:
  • cmkkcmkk member
    10 Comments
    edited August 2012
    She is a single mom who is grieving her father, and you are upset she isn't spending a great deal of her time and energy on gifts for your wedding? As pp have posted, she is not obligated to throw you parties or learn a dance or help you plan. If she is your best friend, having her standing next to you on your wedding day should be in itself a lovely and meaningful part of your wedding. Since your engagement have you been there for her or has it become all about you? Because you don't seem very concerned about her at all. Just about how she will be a bad prop in your wedding.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    You sound like an awesome friend. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:01b5efad-d5f9-400d-a13f-2813680c5078">Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think she will show up if she is your best friend. In the meantime,<strong> I say give her a few days of space and then ask her if you can talk to her, explain to her your feelings with lots of detail, so she won't take anything wrong.</strong> But.. if that doesn't work, then you tried your best. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.. /: Good luck girl. 
    Posted by lindseyandzach2014[/QUOTE]

    Yes, explain to her that when you asked her to be your MOH, what you really were asking was for her to be your unpaid wedding slave and that her mourning the death of her father is really screwing things up for you and she should have the courtesy to do that on her own time and not yours. Some people are just so selfish.
  • My dad is alive and well, and I STILL wouldn't show up for "dance practice" for a choreographed dance.  Especially if she's a single mom--I'm sure she has about a hundred better things to do with her time. 

    As for her not planning your shower until you reminded her to?  TACKY. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-being-selfish-and-not-helping-at-all-a-week-before-our-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8de55fa3-b86d-453b-8aa9-f1ce810759efPost:9f0cf9f7-93cd-4ab7-9368-0cfc21c2c042">Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of honor being selfish and not helping at all a week before our wedding : Yes, explain to her that when you asked her to be your MOH, what you really were asking was for her to be your unpaid wedding slave and that her mourning the death of her father is really screwing things up for you and she should have the courtesy to do that on her own time and not yours. Some people are just so selfish.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
    Ohh.. :( I guess I didn't see that part!<div>
    </div>
    Lindsey D. marrying love of my life 7.8.2013. Baby #1 on the way mid-October! (:
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