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Wedding Etiquette Forum

NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE

So this is probably going to be pretty long but i really need advice on what to do! I am going to give you some back ground to the situation. i will use initials to distinguish between people. My fiance and i met through my ex-best  friend S. she was dating my fiances best friend j and they have a three year old daughter together.  well about a year ago when my fiance and i started dating J and S were having problems and J is a Welder and travels for two weeks at a time. S and I were still friends bc we had all decided that my fiance and i were not going to pick sides and were just going to stay neutral and be there for their caught bc we believed that she was the most important part of the equation, well about 5 months into our relation ship they officially break up and S starts dating my fiancés cousin B which complicates everything so much more bc J, B, and my fiance were all best friends growing up and still to the day until it came out that B and S were now dating.  well we decided that we still were not going to take sides bc B is only a friend but family ( oh yeah we live in a very rural Kansas county so everyone knows everyone somehow)!!!  Well in December of 2010 we find out that S and B and been screwing around the last six months of J and S's relationship, which started to complicate things. then in January of this year I had a pregnancy scare and went to S bc at the time she was my best friend and could tell her anything. I was telling her about th scare and she chimes in and says " you guys are not mature enough to have a baby.  you don't have good enough jobs and cant handle or afford it" i kept my cool and just told her i would talk to her later! went home told my fiance what she had said. well S is a hypocrite bc she cant hold down a job for more than a month, and is a lying cheating conniving B&%ch! 

Now here is my problem! My fiance and i are still very close to J and his little girl, however we have not spoken to S and B since January and really don't plan on ever rekindling any type of friendship again. But J is the best man and we want his daughter to be the flower girl. J has no problem with that and is very excited that they both will be part of the wedding.  I don't know if we have to invite S & B.  I can see inventing her bc her daughter is in the wedding but then i also feel i don't have to bc her a J have shared custody and J, his mom and sister will all be there. and we don't want b to come either bc we don't want the drama and have not talked to him but how do we go about inviting B's family bc his father is my fiancés uncle and we have no problem with the rest of his family? 

PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE

  • Because B is your family, if you invite everyone but he and S, it will be an obvious snub. I think you should just suck it up and invite them both, and deal with the FG stuff through J.

    If B weren't family, I'd say you could get away with not inviting them.

  •  I do not consider S to be a hypocrite regarding her remarks.  I think it's more personal experience talking. 


    As far as your question. I do not think you have to invite S, solely because she is the girls mother.  Her father can take care of her.  

      As far as inviting B, well family dynamics comes into play.  You have to figure out if it's worth the drama not to invite him.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • yelling at the interwebz doesn't yeild more replies for the record.

    cliffs notes?
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  • Georgia I applaud you.
    image
    Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
    I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
  • emilyinchileemilyinchile member
    5000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:04ec0aea-161a-4b4d-b48a-befcbe257022">NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]So this is probably going to be pretty long but i really need advice on what to do! I am going to give you some back ground to the situation. i will use initials to distinguish between people. My fiance and i met through my ex-best  friend S. she was dating my fiances best friend j and they have a three year old daughter together.  well about a year ago when my fiance and i started dating J and S were having problems and J is a Welder and travels for two weeks at a time. S and I were still friends bc we had all decided that my fiance and i were not going to pick sides and were just going to stay neutral and be there for their caught bc we believed that she was the most important part of the equation, well about 5 months into our relation ship they officially break up and S starts dating my fiancés cousin B which complicates everything so much more bc J, B, and my fiance were all best friends growing up and still to the day until it came out that B and S were now dating.  well we decided that we still were not going to take sides bc B is only a friend but family ( oh yeah we live in a very rural Kansas county so everyone knows everyone somehow)!!!  Well in December of 2010 we find out that S and B and been screwing around the last six months of J and S's relationship, which started to complicate things. then in January of this year I had a pregnancy scare and went to S bc at the time she was my best friend and could tell her anything. I was telling her about th scare and she chimes in and says " you guys are not mature enough to have a baby.  you don't have good enough jobs and cant handle or afford it" i kept my cool and just told her i would talk to her later! went home told my fiance what she had said. well S is a hypocrite bc she cant hold down a job for more than a month, and is a lying cheating conniving B&%ch!  Now here is my problem! My fiance and i are still very close to J and his little girl, however we have not spoken to S and B since January and really don't plan on ever rekindling any type of friendship again. But J is the best man and we want his daughter to be the flower girl. J has no problem with that and is very excited that they both will be part of the wedding.  I don't know if we have to invite S & B.  I can see inventing her bc her daughter is in the wedding but then i also feel i don't have to bc her a J have shared custody and J, his mom and sister will all be there. and we don't want b to come either bc we don't want the drama and have not talked to him but how do we go about inviting B's family bc his father is my fiancés uncle and we have no problem with the rest of his family?  PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
    Posted by sebems[/QUOTE]

    First, some general advice: there is no need to yell. Step away from the caps lock button.

    Now, as far as your situation goes, you don't need to invite S and B. For child attendants, you need to invite parents because most people aren't comfortable sending a 3 year old to a party alone, but if the parents are separated there's no law that you need to invite both parents if you're only friends with one of them. That said, if not inviting a cousin is going to cause WWIII in your families, then I don't think it would be worth not inviting B and S.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:c03f12a3-8462-4cc3-b66e-6b93ee98a8ac">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]Georgia I applaud you.
    Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]

    Can you tell I'm bored? :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:99241774-d9db-4b57-b327-55c4841a1d7f">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE : Can you tell I'm bored? :)
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    I read it too cause I am bored out of my mind. But because I am bored and sleepy, my response was snark as hell. I deleted it and moved on.
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  • bltatabltata member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    I think that it's up to your FI to invite B or not.  He's his cousin, so ask him.  If he doesn't want him there and is fine with the family repercussions, don't invite him or S.  If he feels that it's appropriate to invite him because he is family, B and S are a social unit and they should both be included on the invite, but it doesn't mean you have to interact with them beyond a hello at the wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:4a7dc91a-ae82-4ff0-8926-2c347fa9aa4f">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE : I read it too cause I am bored out of my mind. But because I am bored and sleepy, my response was snark as hell. I deleted it and moved on.
    Posted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]

    I don't usually start getting really bitchy until about 4:00. So all the newbs right now are safe.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:99241774-d9db-4b57-b327-55c4841a1d7f">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE : Can you tell I'm bored? :)
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    I must be having an "off" day with my ADHD, because I couldn't follow it to save my life. So, my hat's are off to you and the others who did.
    image
    Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
    I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
  • yes sorry i usually have my caps lock on for work bc I type a lot of protocols and things up and forget to shut it off! Wont happen again .
  • It happens, OP.  Welcome to TK. 

    I would say that I pretty much agree with PPs.  I would say that as far as the J, S, and flower girl thing, S doesn't automatically get an invite just because she's FG's mom.  Let J work that part out.  Or to make it easier, skip the FG altogether. 

    However, your FI would need to decide based on what he knows of his family if it would cause a lot of unneeded drama to invite B.  If it's no problem, you don't have to invite him.  However, if it is more drama than it's worth not to invite him, you will need to invite him and by extension S because they are together.
  • The reason I am considering her  a hypocrite is bc she was basically criticizing my job.  I work as an Emergency Medical Technician Intermediate on an Ambulance in KS and no we don't make an incredible amount of money but it is a steady job where I work 48 to 72 hours every week depending on how much ot is available, and i have had this job for 5 years and am starting paramedic school in August which will give me a boost in income. and for the record my hormones were totally screwy and it was causing pregnancy symptoms i wasn't actually pregnant.
    And yes my FI and I have discussed this and have agreed that we do not want S and B there so my next question would be bc we both agree on no B and S would it be ok to address the envelope to MR. Uncle & Aunt last name and not include B on the invitation? 

    Thanks for all the help
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:5e1507e9-8ff9-4a68-8c2a-c4d0f7a8b30f">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]The reason I am considering her  a hypocrite is bc she was basically criticizing my job.  I work as an Emergency Medical Technician Intermediate on an Ambulance in KS and no we don't make an incredible amount of money but it is a steady job where I work 48 to 72 hours every week depending on how much ot is available, and i have had this job for 5 years and am starting paramedic school in August which will give me a boost in income. and for the record my hormones were totally screwy and it was causing pregnancy symptoms i wasn't actually pregnant. <strong>And yes my FI and I have discussed this and have agreed that we do not want S and B there so my next question would be bc we both agree on no B and S would it be ok to address the envelope to MR. Uncle & Aunt last name and not include B on the invitation?  Thanks for all the help</strong>
    Posted by sebems[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Since B is an adult he should have his own invite anyway. So yes it's fine to address the envelope to only Uncle and Aunt.</div><div>
    </div><div>That said, it does not mean they will read it that way or it will not cause drama.

    </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Assuming B is over the age of 18, you would be sending him his own invitation if you were inviting him, even if he lives at home. So regardless of whether or not you invite him, you should send the invite to Mrs. Aunt and Mr. Uncle Lastname (a man's first name shouldn't be separated from his last).
  • Oh yes he still lives with is parents! I just remember that i lived with my parents for about 6 months after i got my job and until i had enough money saved to buy a house and my cousin got married and sent one invitation to our family and had it addressed to my dad, mom, myself, and my  little sister. 
  • OP, if he lives w/his parents and you decide not to invite him, personalized RSVP cards may be helpful.

    Mrs. Aunt's Name chx__ beef__ declines__
    Mr. Uncle's Name chx__ beef__ declines__

    This way it will be that much more clear who is invited and who isn't.
    image
  • tpender13- 

    thanks thats kind of the direction I was wanting to take with the RSVP cards! Well that is just what we are going to have to do!


    Thank you all so much all the tips and advice are so helpful. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-ex-friend-man-situationinvite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36fa4bd-02e2-4f75-a34c-3ff4898ce507Post:11bf8f06-72ed-4335-890e-5e6e1d2b4d85">Re: NEED HELP WITH MY EX BEST FRIEND AND THE BEST MAN SITUATION/INVITE</a>:
    [QUOTE]Because B is your family, if you invite everyone but he and S, it will be an obvious snub. I think you should just suck it up and invite them both, and deal with the FG stuff through J. If B weren't family, I'd say you could get away with not inviting them.
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div>
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