Uncooperative Bridesmaids Venting

Re: Uncooperative Bridesmaids Venting

• Zippy88k member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  As is said often on this board, all your bridesmaids really have to do is buy their dress and show up. They don't have to plan any parties for you or help you; they have their own lives. In an ideal world, they'd want to, but stuff happens. It was very nice of you to find a cost-friendly dress, and fairly cost-friendly shoes, but why can't you just tell them what color shoes you'd like, and let them pick the style? Micro-managing their shoes is a little ridiculous. 

  And just for future reference, it's college. Not collage.

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• bethsmiles member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uncooperative-bridesmaids-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:18c17e03-85ec-491f-a1d5-6df8eeb27b39Post:e11d3488-49f2-4b53-9225-027e4c71d3c0">Uncooperative Bridesmaids Venting</a>:
  [QUOTE]Our wedding is just a little over a month away now and my bridesmaids are fighting me on absolutely every step of the way. They are my "best" friends from collage, where they just graduated several months ago, and I'm graduating the same week as the wedding. I don't have a lot of close girl friends in fact they are it, and I thought we were really good friends, so they were my natural choices to be my bridesmaids.   Ever since I got engaged our friendship has gotten really rocky. I think we are just at different places in our lives and I'm ready to get married, start a career, and have a family, and they are still in party collage mode. Bridesmaid 1 is also, I hate to say it, but I think she is jealous because she has been with her boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and he hasn't made and formal commitment for her, and I was engaged to my fiance after only 6 months.
  
  <strong>I think being with her for 4 1/2 years is just as much of a commitment as your engagement. Drop this attitude. Don't assume people are jealous of you, it makes you sound like a brat.</strong>
  
  Everyones relationship goes at it's own speed but I know she really wants something more from hers.  She makes this very clear by speeding more time talking about her future wedding than mine which is a month away.
  
  <strong>No one will ever be as excited for you wedding as you are. If she doesn't want to talk about your wedding and you don't want to talk about her hypothetical one then CHANGE THE SUBJECT!</strong>
  
  Bridesmaid 2 is long distance right now, so she can't be a part of too much, but she is a very independent person and when she was here was very bitter when I couldn't hang out whenever she wanted. 
  <strong>
  That is a friend issue. Not a Bridesmaid issue. If she came all the way out to see you and do wedding stuff I could understand her being PO'd if you were too busy while she was there.
  </strong>
  They both really wanted to be my bridesmaids. They were just fine when I picked out my dress. However as soon as it came to their dress the trouble started. They spent a lot of time complaining about the color (midnight blue, my fiancé's favorite color).  The hated the dress that I, my fiance, and my mom (who's paying for the wedding) wanted, and refused to buy it. We picked the dress to cover up the giant tattoos one got on her chest after I asked her to be a bridesmaid. They both refused to spend anything over $100. I thought that was a little ridiculous to be so demanding, but didn't want to put them in a financial bind so when we did find some beautiful dresses for $150 I agreed to pay the difference.  I had no problem helping them out with this because I figured they would behave like bridesmaids and be helping me out along the way.
  
  <strong>You need to be respectful of their budget. If you wanted the more expensive dress you shouldn't have made up the difference expecting that they would help you out more.</strong>
  
  However they won't help me with anything. Bridesmaid 2 is gone so it's understandable but bridesmaid 1 lives across town. She's constantly facebooking about having nothing to do but can't make time for me. She wouldn't help with invitations, or favors, or anything. She won't even throw me a bridal shower. My mother in law is doing it instead.
  
  <strong>Bridesmaids are not required to do anything you just listed. She is your friend not your slave. You are not entitled to a bridal shower, be happy you are getting one at all.</strong>
  
  As far as a bachelorette party they only way she will do that is to party with
  bridesmaid 2 and invite all her friends that I don't know.
  
  <strong>If you don't want to do what she is planning then decline the party, but that means you will probably not get a bachelorette party. It's not the end of the world. You don't need one.</strong>
  
  Our wedding is at a victorian inn and my parents rented it out and all along she has said it would be no big deal. Now all of the sudden she just can't afford it. She has three part time jobs, lives at home, and has no bills. How in a years time can you not save up the $75 for the room.
  
  <strong>You don't know other people's finacial situations. You can't tell people what they can or can't afford.</strong>
  
  My parents have already paid for it and we were having a group breakfast in the morning. It's really important that she be there because my fiance and I are leaving for our honeymoon and then moving out of state without coming back in between. The breakfast is our opportunity to say goodbye to all of our family and friends without making our wedding a goodbye party. I've told her how important it is to me and all I get is a half hearted we'll see.
  
  <strong>That sucks, but there is no point in getting this upset about it when she still might show up. Maybe she sounded half-hearted about it because she is sad you were leaving and she might not get to say good-bye. Either way this isn't even an issue yet so relax.</strong>
  
  The other day her dress came in and since it has to do with her looking pretty in a dress she managed to make time for it. She also suggested that we go shoe shopping after. I was pretty excited and started thinking maybe things would turn around. Then she called to push back our appointment because she decided to double book herself. Luckily I was able to still make and appointment. However then they day of she lets me know that we only have a half hour at the dress shop because she promised her boyfriend she would hang out with him at a certain time. I feel like she has no respect for me or my time.
  
  <strong>I don't see why you are so angry about this. Is it irratating, I suppose. But get over it. It sounds like she has a lot going on in her life. Have you talked to her about anything besides the wedding since you got engaged or asked her to be in the bridal party? </strong>
  
  The thing that's really pushed me over the edge today is shoes. I found a great pair of dyeable heels that would look great with there dresses, and all I got was complaints. They were upset because they would be hard to walk in. So I found the exact same pair with an inch shorter heel. Then the complaint was that the heel was too thin. (It's an outdoor wedding so there complaints are understandable, but mine are taller and thiner and it can be done.) Then it was they were way to expensive. They were only $50. Bridesmaid 2 told me that if I wanted those shoes I would have to pay for half. Eventually I told them that I was going to buy them really beautiful custom jewelry for their bridesmaid gift but I'm really going broke right now so they would have to choose shoes or jewelry. They chose the shoes.
  
  <strong>1) A bridesmaids gift should have nothing to do with the wedding. If you are making them wear it for the wedding it isn't a gift
  
  2) You seem REALLY disrespectful of their budgets. Their shoes don't need to match, no one cares about the shoes. No one will remember them.
  </strong>
  I'm just so stressed out right now. They are making me miserable. Every little thing with them is like pulling teeth. I just wish they would try to make things easier for me occasionally instead of always harder. I'm just having a hard time understanding it. If I were a bridesmaid I would bend over backwards to help. Are all bridesmaids like this?
  
  <strong>I think you are making yourself miserable. You want too much from them. Lower your expectations are you will be so much happier (and they probably will be too)</strong>
  Posted by bcabello[/QUOTE]
  
  You need a reality check honey.

  
  

  
  

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• vicki0508 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Holy cow, that's long.  Admittedly, I didn't read all of it.  But from what I did gather, you're going a little off of the deep end.
  
  Just take some deep breaths, and let it all go.  Seriously, let it ALL go.  And let your BMs pick their own dang shoes.  They're the ones who have to wear them all day long.  Just tell them a color, and leave them alone.
  
  Stop being a bride, and try just being a friend (and a normal person) for a while.

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• Viczaesar member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Ditto the other ladies.

  
  
  
  

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• StacyJenniges

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  I read through this and I do think that you are expecting too much from them.  I actually think $50 is expensive for shoes, and dyable shoes are never going to be worn again.  I would actully advise against dyable shoes for an outdoor wedding because the shoes can bleed when the get wet.  Shoes aren't really noticed especially if the dress is long (Is the dress long?).  I think with Midnight blue black shoes would be just fine, and i'd advise letting them pick their own shoes out, that way they can buy shoes they will wear again.  Actually they may already own shoes that will work.
  
  I'm can't do much fun stuff with my money because of MY wedding too.  But it's MY wedding, my bridesmaids shouldn't have to go broke because of MY wedding, and yours shouldn't have to go broke because of YOUR wedding.

  "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"

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• Kate61487 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  ditto PPs, on all counts. 
  
  I think silver shoes would look lovely with midnight blue dresses, and then they are at least re-wearable. 

  

   
  

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• LoveMuffins member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  It sounds like you didn't ask them for their budgets before deciding on their shoes. Which, that's your fault. It sucks that they didn't want the first dress in your FI's favorite color, but since they are the ones paying for the dress they should've gotten a say in it - although you would've been well within your rights to insist on them sticking to your wedding colors.
  
  It sucks that your BM told you she could do the Victorian Inn and then changed her mind, but you sound really judgmental of her situation. If she's really got 3 jobs, which can't be fun, then chances are there's something that she's paying for that you're unaware of. I can't imagine someone with NO expenses choosing to have 3 jobs, but maybe that's just me.
  
  And the BMs don't have to throw you showers/bach party... granted, i kind of feel like anyone who's a good friend is at least going to want to, but sometimes finances/time/things like that get in the way of it. but any help with invitations/favorts/etc... that's going above and beyond, because those are your things to take care of, and you sholdn't be insulted/hurt if they arent helping.

  Rocking the Dress with my Bestie
  
  
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• dragossoul84

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  You could be making them miserable. Just because you think you know their fincials status your not their account you dont. You have to ask what are you comfortable spending if you dont want to get ppl getting put off. I mean your even getting down on them for not being able to walk in the heels you wanted. I wear heels I dont have a problem in them height or width of the heel. My little sister is a sandles sneaker kinda girl she probably couldnt even walk in a wedge heel. Weddings should be a celebration of love and the commitment between you and your fiance bridesmaids should be friends your honoring no hoops to jump through included.

  

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