What to do with an unsupportive sister?

soontobehutson · February 2012

Where I come from everyone expects a traditional wedding. The sister is the maid of honor, the dad walks his daughter to the aisle, there's always something borrowed and something blue. Lol. In my situation my sister is yes supportive of who I marry, but she isn't the ideal person for helping me plan my weddding which is usually what the maid of honor does. I would rather my best friend Sarah be the maid of honor. My sister caught wind of this and was furious. She admitted though later down the road that she would be the jealous type. She always has been jealous of me, but we all have our flaws. But I'm afraid she'll try to take over, because she all ready one day told me that she knows what she wants to wear. I feel that Sarah and me would have more fun and that she would be more supportive in helping me get things done.

Even if I kept my sister as my maid of honor, would it be all right in your opinion to have Sarah help most with the planning?

kmmssg · February 2012

It isn't your MOH's duty to help you plan your wedding it is your FI's! I'm not understanding where the MOH helps plan the wedding at all.

jagore08 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do-with-an-unsupportive-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b6cf582-f382-4aad-a3b8-8590e10d104dPost:20d32a79-32a8-4044-8654-25f31c5cf17f">What to do with an unsupportive sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Where I come from everyone expects a traditional wedding. The sister is the maid of honor, the dad walks his daughter to the aisle, there's always something borrowed and something blue. Lol. In my situation my sister is yes supportive of who I marry, but she isn't the ideal person for helping me plan my weddding which is usually what the maid of honor does. I would rather my best friend Sarah be the maid of honor. My sister caught wind of this and was furious. She admitted though later down the road that she would be the jealous type. She always has been jealous of me, but we all have our flaws. But I'm afraid she'll try to take over, because she all ready one day told me that she knows what she wants to wear. I feel that Sarah and me would have more fun and that she would be more supportive in helping me get things done. Even if I kept my sister as my maid of honor, would it be all right in your opinion to have Sarah help most with the planning?
Posted by soontobehutson[/QUOTE]
<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">No one has to help you plan your wedding except your FI. Don't choose your MOH base don who will help you the most. Your MOH should be your nearest and dearest. There is also an option of not having a MOH at all. As far as helping, if they offer then take them up on it. If they don't then don't give them any "tasks".</span>

soontobehutson · February 2012

Okay. Thanks. By FI u mean fiance right? He really won't be helping at all. He's usually like what ever you want in most cases, so I don't even ask his help. lol.
But around here it's usually how it goes the maid of honor helping. But that's good because I've felt so stuck between the two.

Meghannsix · February 2012

If your friend wants to help, let her help. There's nothing that says good friends can't help. Have two MOH if it makes you feel better about it.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do-with-an-unsupportive-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b6cf582-f382-4aad-a3b8-8590e10d104dPost:cf45b138-96e4-452e-99ef-6e1c452e478c">Re: What to do with an unsupportive sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. Thanks. By FI u mean fiance right<strong>? He really won't be helping at all. He's usually like what ever you want in most cases, so I don't even ask his help. lol.</strong> But around here it's usually how it goes the maid of honor helping. But that's good because I've felt so stuck between the two.
Posted by soontobehutson[/QUOTE]

<div>He may not be interested in helping choose colors or pick out flowers, but there probably is something he DOES care about. Maybe food or music? Remember it's his wedding too. He is allowed to have a say. </div><div>
</div><div>My FI only had an opinion about like 4 things, but I have asked for his help in terms of going to meet with vendors and I asked him to drop of some things at various places around town the day before the RD because he is going to be in town a day before I will. He has also paid for a few things on his own. </div><div>
</div><div>You can <em>ask</em> your MOH and BMs/friends/family for help, but they are not bad friends/BMs for not being able to help or even not wanting to help. Some women are just not into weddings, and this is something you need to tell yourself a few times: no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you. That's not meant to be harsh, but it's just a good idea to lower your expectations of people. </div>

LoveMuffins · February 2012

You can ask your MOH and BMs for help with certain things, but no one other than you and your FI are required to plan the wedding. It seems like you are choosing your best friend because she'll be more helpful in the position, not because she's the person you want standing next to you as you get married.

If the helpfulness issue is just an excuse because you truly want your best friend as your MOH and not your sister, then maybe you just need to tell your sister that you don't feel as close to her as you do to your friend that you want to have as your MOH and that's why you chose her as your MOH. If your sister is jealous, that's her own issue to deal with.

Another option would be to have 2 MOHs.

But personally, if it's truly just that you think you'll get more help planning from your friend, then I think you're a pretty bad friend for choosing an MOH based on how useful they'll be to you instead of how much their relationship means to you.

graysquirrel · February 2012

The only difference between MOH and BM is played out on the wedding day. Besides the title in the program, the MOH usually signs the license, holds your bouquet, hands you the ring, and sometimes gives a speech. That is it. It isn't a duty of the MOH to do anything extra. If she wants to help you research or tie bows, she can, but that is a gift, not a job. Also, anyone can help you do things if they wish to. It doesn't have to be the MOH.

That being said, if you really really want your best friend as your MOH because you want to honor her with the title, then I would make her the MOH. But if this is about who can do the most or plan the best party, then it isn't an honor at all. MOH is a title of love, honor, and friendship, not a job description.

mbody · February 2012

Pick a MOH based on who you are closest to. Who will be the "best at helping" should not enter into the equation. Anyone can offer to help you if they'd like, MOH or BM, and if they offer, than you can accept their help if you want. Also, ask your FI to help you.

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do-with-an-unsupportive-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b6cf582-f382-4aad-a3b8-8590e10d104dPost:cf45b138-96e4-452e-99ef-6e1c452e478c">Re: What to do with an unsupportive sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. Thanks. By FI u mean fiance right? <strong>He really won't be helping at all. He's usually like what ever you want in most cases, so I don't even ask his help.</strong> lol. But around here it's usually how it goes the maid of honor helping. But that's good because I've felt so stuck between the two.
Posted by soontobehutson[/QUOTE]

My FI is not the kind to want to pick out colors or anything of that sort. But he has come to every vendor meeting, even the florist! He may not have said much, if anything, but he came with me. The only thing he did not come to was when I went dress shopping. My FI knows its his wedding too, so he helped me put together the pocketfold invitations. And he will be helping with the favors too. Your FI may not care about details, but he should be willing to help you, since it's his wedding too. My FI only requested 2 things for the wedding itself, steak and chocolate cake, he got both but that was not the end of his involvement!

jemmini6 · February 2012

You choose your BP based on who is closest to you, not who can do the most work for you. The title of "MOH" doesn't come with any planning responsibilities, it's yours and your FI's wedding, so it's your job, and yours alone to plan.

Of course, if your sister or your friend offers their help, then you are free to take them up on it, but by no means is it a requirment that should induce you to choose one person over the other to be your MOH. BMs can help just as much as the MOH, or if you feel close to both of them, they can both hold the title of MOH.

kmmssg · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do-with-an-unsupportive-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b6cf582-f382-4aad-a3b8-8590e10d104dPost:cf45b138-96e4-452e-99ef-6e1c452e478c">Re: What to do with an unsupportive sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. Thanks. By FI u mean fiance right? He really won't be helping at all. He's usually like what ever you want in most cases, so I don't even ask his help. lol. But around here it's usually how it goes the maid of honor helping. But that's good because I've felt so stuck between the two.
Posted by soontobehutson[/QUOTE]

Why are you so willing to let your FI slide right out of the planning, but you want to replace the MOH because she isn't helping you enough or showing interest? Following that logic you should also be replacing FI. They are both guilty of the same thing. The difference it that it IS his responsibility to help you and it is not your friend's.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do-with-an-unsupportive-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b6cf582-f382-4aad-a3b8-8590e10d104dPost:c05c88e8-fa02-409a-b401-b7999bf2d689">Re: What to do with an unsupportive sister?</a>:
[QUOTE] My FI knows its his wedding too, so he helped me put together the pocketfold invitations. And he will be helping with the favors too. Your FI may not care about details, but he should be willing to help you, since it's his wedding too.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. I do most of the planning, and picking, but it's a lot of work and I can't do it all by myself. And it's my fiance I'm marrying, not my MOH. So, he has to help.</div><div>
</div><div>When you two have a household, will you be doing all the chores yourself and call your best friend to help you cook and clean when stuff gets too much, just because your FI isn't interested in that? I hope not.

</div>

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

That being said, pick who you want to be by your side. You can have two maids of honour if you want to. But if you're afraid your sister will take over, it might be best to stick with the friend.

pharmd2323 · February 2012

First, I have to say, I totally get where you're coming from. Though I think you should explain to your fiance what's going on and how he's going to have to help (it's good practice for marriage too), and I think what you mean by having your MOH help plan is not necessarily plan, but have someone to bounce ideas off of or hand over a few small tasks (so people freaking out about that comment, I think everyone's idea of "help plan" can vary, so I'm not going to bother with arguing that. Even if you did mean actually plan, whatever you need help with, just express that to those who you want to be helping you so they know what's expected of them). Anyways, to my point, my sister is my MOH and bless her heart I lover her and everything, but yeah as MOH, the wedding enthusiasm just isn't there. She wanted to pick her own dress, her own hairstyle, jewelry, etc. and then when I ask her opinion on something, she has no time or doesn't care/"it doesn't matter". Even something small, like open the email, look at the picture, then pick one. So I totally get it. Yes, it sucks, but here's an example of what I did: I went so far as to tell my best friend (other bridesmaid) that she's my secret maid of honor. We laughed a bit and of course she knows how my sister is and that it's important for my sister to be actual MOH, so with our relationship, and with my sister's, that worked for us. I have been able to get my mom to harass her into helping with things that need helping, and for the fun stuff, I bring around my "secret" MOH. She has a blast, my sister doesn't care anyways, so we all win. It sounds horrible, I know! But only you know how your relationship is with each person, and you'll know how to handle it. There's no rule that says your MOH has to have final word on choices you make through the planning process, so frankly you can have fun with the other girls, and just let her get MOH title on paper. The key is to not expect anything from her, accept it at face value, love her as your sister, then love your friends for who they are too. It'll all come together, trust me. I planned my wedding myself, of course with lots of help from my fiance, but my MOH essentially did nothing and once I accepted that was how it was going to be, things went smoothly. I invited my best friend to cake tastings, dress shopping, etc. and the planning process was a blast. There's other options too, like not having an MOH, establishing MOH and then some other secondary honor for the bridesmaid that helps the most, etc. You'll find what works for you. And don't worry about it, there are plenty of MOH horror stories... reading those always made me feel just a little better

What to do with an unsupportive sister?

Re: What to do with an unsupportive sister?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards