Friend Drama

lcatterton · October 2012

Hey girls, I trust your advice more than most on these boards, so I have a question about an old high school friend. We've more than drifted apart and we never talk. It's been over a year since we've hung out and there are various reasons as to why. She's pretty self centered and selfish, but I won't get into the things that she has done to me. However, her husband got me a job at my place of employment. I've worked here for over two years now and I speak to him on a weekly basis. We have mutual friends at work and they are being invited.

Here's my issue: I really, really want to invite her husband, however, I do not want her anywhere near my wedding. My fiance feels the same. See, she cheated on her husband years before they were married, never told him about it, told me and a couple of other friends instead. I strongly encouraged her to spill the beans to him, but she refused. I told her that it would probably end up coming to bite her in the ass (it hasn't) but she didn't care, she hid the secret and smiled at her wedding like life was perfect. It sucked, as I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. This was one of the last times we hung out.

I know I can't invite him without her, so the end result is that neither will be invited, which brings me to my main issue. It's going to be pretty obvious to her husband that they were not invited, however the reasoning is not going to be clear. I can't just tell him, "Sorry, but fiance and I don't want your double timing wife within 100 miles of our ceremony." So, what do I say? He knows the venue (which can hold up to 400) so size is not an issue. I suppose I could pull out the money card, but I feel bad lying to cover up her bullsh*t. Let me tell you, living with her lie and seeing him day in and day out really blows. I also have an extremely close friend (and yoga partner) here at work who is engaged to her husband's brother and I can't come clean with her either. It sucks for me, but I deal with it.

My other option is to text this ex-friend and tell her that she won't be invited and tell her the reasons why and let her decide what lie to tell her husband....

What do you think you would do?

[Deleted User] · October 2012

I would probably invite them and then really, really, really hope they're busy that day or she's overcome with guilt and comes up with something for them to do instead. Are you sending Save the Dates? Maybe they'll get invited to another wedding on the same day. This is a crappy situation, good luck!! If she comes, just try to stick her at a table as far away from you as possible. In the end, it's your call so do what feels good!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

Unfortunately, I agree that you should invite them. I just think not inviting, with any of the possible explanations, could lead to very hurt feelings. If this guy is a friends, a work colleague, and someone you interact with multiple times a week, I don't know if it's worth it to destroy that. Yes, she's a bad person, but you'll have many more people at your wedding. Do the polite "hi, nice to see you," then immediately move on to talking to someone else and avoid her the rest of the night.

lcatterton · October 2012

I guess I should clarify... My fiance does not want her there, period. I don't really blame him. She tried multiple times to break us up when her and I were close and him and I were having some problems. Don't get me wrong, I realize that my fiance is not perfect, but she should have been supporting me when we were having problems, not trying to make things worse. Not to mention he hates the way that she has treated me.

I could probably get him to compromise on this, but to be honest he's been the one making more of the compromises when it comes to the wedding. He wanted a private ceremony, I told him it was against "etiquette" so he said alright. He wanted to wear more casual type attire, but it was causing a problem with my Father not wanting to be more dressy than the groom and threatening to wear his "AC/DC pants" so my fiance said alright, I'll wear a suit. There are other smaller things that have gone my way, and I don't want to push my fiance into more things that he is not comfortable with.

I realize that this is going to be a friendship ending move with her, and we do not hang out with either of them. I just don't want our work relationship to be affected. Sadly, it probably will be if they aren't invited. Sigh...

I really appreciate the advice, keep it coming! Hehe. Thanks ladies!!

vk2204 · October 2012

If you don't want them there, don't invite them. Simple.

But I would recommend NOT to make any excuses as to why they weren't invited in the first place. Honestly, and no offense, her cheating on her husband should have no impact on why they wouldn't be invited to your wedding. If you had that much of a problem with it at the time you wouldn't have stood up in their wedding. From your OP it seems like you are just looking for reasons to justify not wanting her there.

BUT if she did try to screw things up with you and your man that is a different story. Does your FI like the husband? Do you guys hang out outside of work? If you do, I would say just invite them; you will barely notice them the day of and in the end you'll be the bigger person.

I am in somewhat of a similar situation - my FI and I used to be VERY good friends with J - then he got back together with B (stands for b!tch lol) and she just happens to be my FI's ex from high school. She is kind of the devil. When she was starting to get back with J she didn't like how close he and I were, so she would get touchy feely with my FI and blah blah whatever. They are now married, she is still the devil, but I have to suck it up and invite her because we want him at the wedding.

If you are okay with things being awkward with the husband then don't invite them. It is easy for your FI to say NO because he doesn't see him everyday, you do.

lcatterton · October 2012

You are right that I had less of a problem with the cheating then than I do now. I was not close to her boyfriend (now husband) at all when she did the dirty.. Like, I barely knew him. Hung out with them together maybe 6 times. I stood up in their wedding, literally, the weekend before I started my job here. Since then I have realized what a good guy he is (not that her cheating would have been okay if he were a dirtbag, but it just shows me how selfish she truly is). That's when the guilt started to hit me and her and I began drifting apart.

I think it's just easiest all the way around to not invite them. We never hang out with him. My fiance likes him, but they've only met maybe like 3 times. We'll definitely never hang out with them after the wedding. Plus, it's not like I can really be that close with him, I'm already always awkward around him knowing the truth about his life, so add in slightly more awkwardness with the non invite, meh, such is life.

I guess in my heart of hearts I know the correct decision will be to not invite them. I just don't know how to handle them wondering why. But, I've done this good at shutting my mouth, I guess I can continue the trend! Hahaha.

Edit: Clarify relationship

vk2204 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_friend-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:cb95a197-0cd5-47bc-9278-17c059e2e018Post:0839c31a-1529-4886-a1bc-1ec1755045d7">Re: Friend Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]You are right that I had less of a problem with the cheating then than I do now. I was not close to her boyfriend (now husband) at all when she did the dirty.. Like, I barely knew him. Hung out with them together maybe 6 times. I stood up in their wedding, literally, the weekend before I started my job here. Since then I have realized what a good guy he is (not that her cheating would have been okay if he were a dirtbag, but it just shows me how selfish she truly is). That's when the guilt started to hit me and her and I began drifting apart. I think it's just easiest all the way around to not invite them. We never hang out with him. My fiance likes him, but they've only met maybe like 3 times. We'll definitely never hang out with them after the wedding. Plus, it's not like I can really be that close with him, I'm already always awkward around him knowing the truth about his life, so add in slightly more awkwardness with the non invite, meh, such is life. I guess in my heart of hearts I know the correct decision will be to not invite them.<strong> I just don't know how to handle them wondering why.</strong> But, I've done this good at shutting my mouth, I guess I can continue the trend! Hahaha. Edit: Clarify relationship
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

Let them wonder. Unless they actually say something to you, you will be OKAY!

IF they do ask why they weren't invited just tell them you were unable to accomodate everyone you would have liked to. And leave it at that.

Just make sure you don't talk wedding with or near him. Also, I read you were inviting coworkers - I would not tell them anything about your situation and don't even say you don't plan on inviting them, keep it open ended. good luck.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

Can I ask a (possibly stupid) question? Have you already been talking about the wedding with him? Does he know your mutual friends are already invited? Have you ever said something like "oh, well you'll see anyway?" I realize this is difficult, but you do have to work with the guy. If you've never really talked about it/mentioned inviting others/implied he'd be invited, you can do what VK said and just say "I'm really sorry, we just couldn't accomodate everyone, thanks for your well wishes though!" Also, maybe just mention to other work friends "hey, we had to make a cut off and I feel really bad about it, so please dont' say anything in the office about my wedding in front of X. thank you!" It'll just, hopefully make the thing more of a non issue.

BUT if you've already been talking about it, and especially if you've talked in terms of him/the group being invited, that could be more than a friendship ending move. It could really damage your work environment. I really do sympathize for your situation, but again, especially if it's a larger wedding, you can totally avoid people. If it'll save you from years of discomfort over someone seeing themselves as intentionally slighted, it might be worth at least a conversation with your FI.

lcatterton · October 2012

I have not spoken anything about the wedding in front of him other than the fact that it is happening. I have told the people who are invited that they are invited and to keep it on the DL since not everyone will be extended an invitation. My invitees understand that I want to keep things discreet around the office, so there are no issues there.

While I do see him a couple of times a week, he is on a different floor in the office than I am, so it's not like I'll have to stare at his sadness everyday until April. I have made sure to keep things vague with him if he does bring it up and to hurry up and switch subjects so as to not break any non-invitee etiquette rules. He has no idea who will be invited/who won't.

I just hate how people don't deal with their issues because it really can affect more than just A and B.

lcatterton · October 2012

Oh, and there is no such thing as a stupid question!!!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_friend-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:cb95a197-0cd5-47bc-9278-17c059e2e018Post:0237a0a8-a0a8-4d8e-824e-4a789075690e">Re: Friend Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and there is no such thing as a stupid question!!!
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

Heh, thanks :) I just didn't know if I was not reading well (not much sleep this week, oy) and that had already been answered/implied somewhere.

Considering what you said, I think not inviting him is fine. You haven't broken any rules about talking to him, you haven't made any implicit promises you would, and you can clearly just state that you had to limit the guest list somewhere as there are only a scattered few from the office being invited. With further information, I'm changing to you can go ahead and just not invite them both and call it a wash.

orangehills · October 2012

Coming into this late, but you don't need to invite him. Maybe he'll just be hurt, but I highly doubt he'll say anything. If he does, just tell him that you had a falling out with his wife and was sorry you couldn't accomodate them, or just use money as an excuse this one time to avoid more awkwardness. But I wouldn't invite them if you don't want them there!

GinaV0822 · October 2012

Does he not know that you and his wife are not really on good terms now? If you were in the wedding I would think he would know you were good friends and I would think he would find it odd that you don't talk to her anymore after the wedding. Kind of a red flag that something else is going on. Maybe he knows that you two aren't close anymore and doesn't expect that they will be invited.

That's a tricky one. I would probably invite them and would feel good knowing that I'm standing up there as a faithful couple and she is sitting there knowing what she did. On the other hand though, if it's going to cause a problem with you and FI then I would not invite them and just try not to let it bother you.

Good luck!

ncsudiva4eva · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_friend-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:cb95a197-0cd5-47bc-9278-17c059e2e018Post:38ef893a-158f-49cc-ac28-bf8128fa1941">Re: Friend Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably invite them and then really, really, really hope they're busy that day or she's overcome with guilt and comes up with something for them to do instead. Are you sending Save the Dates? Maybe they'll get invited to another wedding on the same day. This is a crappy situation, good luck!! If she comes, just try to stick her at a table as far away from you as possible. In the end, it's your call so do what feels good!
Posted by lch0708[/QUOTE]

Yea I would invite them just because he did help you get he job and if you think it will notice they are not invitied that would suck. Its just one day hopefully she just won't be there.

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