Moms and Maids

Questions...HELP. (Long Sry)

Okay I don't know where else to post this, and I am hoping since it says moms this might be a good place to ask peoples advice, or if I am in the wrong cuase I do not know what to do. And its beginning to cause some tension between me and my Fiance.

About 2 months ago we get a call from his mother, saying she wanted to talk to me about the wedding stuff, and as  my mother has and wants nothing to do with the deal I was all to excited. Well she called to tell me she had talked to these 4 individuals (fiances grandma/aunts from his fatherside, who he hasn't seen in like 7-10 years as the grandma hates men literally and I havent meant) and confirmed that they would be coming to the wedding...now I was really really angry about this because we haven't sent out our invites yet, and because we are trying to keep the list under 60-70 people  we were thinking of not inviting them, so I took a breath and just asked that she not do that becuase things could change or come up, not to mention it makes rsvps hard to track in the future to which lead to but they are family. 

 So first question was I wrong to be upset and ask that she not do phone check rsvp's when we havent sent the invites out?

Secondly after I gave up on that topic shes like oh yeah I talked to several people about borrowing there trailers that we can put in the yard for the week of the wedding so that you and all the your bridesmaids and whoever can occupy that space while those four guests take the rooms instead.  I kindly asked her not to talk to people before running ideas by us as we had already agreed that my bridesmaids will be staying with us at her place becuase we have to caterer our own wedding, we are doing all the favors diy, most the dcorations and about a billion other things that would just be handing to have people in the same space...and both her and pops agreed. However, my first point to her was that would make with the extra people she was thinking of having over the day of and that week to a total of 20 people instead of ten in a 2 bathroom place >< and with the having to get stuff I would rather we all be together. Lastly  I brought up that we had worked out a hotel for guests who would need space a place for a day or two at a great discount, 109 a night instead of 239 a night and that includes breakfast, pool, internet, luandry and a couple other things. And she who was there when I worked it out was like ' well thst your family isn't it?" she knows its not but feeling I was going no where I just politely excused myself from the phone and the next day I talked to my dad who suggested I have my fiance talk to her it might go better. So I  did after talking to him and it seemed like everything was worked out however now shes not making up a million excuses as why she cant come down into town, she wont talk to me on the phone unless she has to  and she keeps 'forgetting' all the things she says shes volunteered to help with before this all happened. 

Now I guess here are my second and third question and im sorry this is long....

am I wrong for not wishing to spent +30C or highier in a trailer when that wasnt the arrangement, let alone not wishing her making all these plans without talking to us first... 

and 

what are the likely hoods that she is just not wanting to drive the 3 hours as she says, opposed to because shes still being petty ( Keep in mind she just finished driving the 8 hours to visit her daughter in worse road conditions than it is to her) FI believes its just weather and roads, but its been 3 months and a different excuse every time we talk to her? I


Re: Questions...HELP. (Long Sry)

  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    1. Same thing happened to me. FI had to have a talk with his mother about inviting people to our wedding. We are paying for the wedding, not her, so we did not feel she got as much bargaining power as she was assuming to have. 

    Bottom line? If you feel it is getting out of hand, have your FI handle her. My rule of thumb is if it is something personal directly involving just you two: you handle. If it is something involving you AND your FI (ie, basically anything related your wedding) have him deal with it. 

    2. Ditto PP. 

    3. Also confused. 
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  • edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]   So first question was I wrong to be upset and ask that she not do phone check rsvp's when we havent sent the invites out?[/QUOTE]<div>Who's paying?  If she is, she has more influence over the guest list.  If she's not, you're entitled to put your foot down.  Either way, she really should have confirmed the guest list with you and your FI first.
    <div>
    </div><div>[QUOTE] I wrong for not wishing to spent +30C or highier in a trailer when that wasnt the arrangement, [/QUOTE] </div><div>Unless she is paying, she doesn't get to add expenses.  </div><div>
    </div><div>As for who she hosts, and what projects she helps with...since those were her contributions, she does get to grant or withold them as she chooses.  While she really shouldn't be making decisions behind your and your FI's back, she has the right to say that her guest rooms are going to her relatives instead of your wedding party.  And while there's a good chance she's being petty because someone told her "no," she's within her rights not to make centerpieces or whatever else she volunteered for.  It's extremely unlikley she'll miss the wedding for such causes (if she threatens to, call her bluff,) but as with money, her contributions of time, space, or labor may well come with strings attached.  If you don't like those strings, it unfortunately sounds like it's time to start making plans to do without whatever she was contributing.</div><div>
    </div><div>Your dad was right about involving your FI here.  You and your FI are drawing the boundaries that will help to define your married relationship with your parents.  </div><div>
    </div></div>
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