NWR WWYD?

melissa82 · May 2010

Some people may remember that I posted in December that my uncle was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It spread very quickly and currently hospice is coming to their home. Last Tuesday, the hospice nurse advised my family that she estimated he had a few days left so I decided to come back to NJ to be with my family. H came with me but had to return to OH on Monday, I am still in NJ.

Physically, my uncle is shell of his former self. He is about 90 pounds and hasn't eaten in 3 weeks at this point. But mentally he is strong, he told my cousin is he not ready to go. He says he wants to stay until Father's Day. It's a horrible situation because you don't know what to hope for--you want him to stay forever, but he is in a lot of pain and is suffering so much.

There is a charity benefit on Saturday in OH that I am supposed to attend. It is an important event for H and he would really like me to be there (although of course understands if I can't). I feel terrible about possibly not being there to support my H. We had planned on my flying back to OH on Saturday but now I just don't know what to do. Should I book a ticket for Saturday? It would be silly to fly back on Saturday and then turn around and go right back to NJ, but then there's also the possibility that my uncle wills himself to stay for another month.

I feel so morbid and guilty discussing practicalities at a time like this (and obviously no one can predict the future) but I just don't know what I should do. Buy the plane ticket and if I end up needing to be here Saturday so be it? Buy the plane ticket and go home and then plan to come right back/see what happens? Stay in NJ indefinitely?

jennuinne · May 2010

I don't know, that's a very difficult situation. I think only you can make that call, depending on how close you are to your uncle, how important it is to stay, how important it is to be w/ H. Ultimitaley, you have to do what you think is right and what you will feel best about.

sarack · May 2010

What a hard situation! I'm so sorry Melissa!

If I were in the situation, I would only leave if I had said my goodbyes and I had come to the terms with the fact that this may be the last time I see my uncle.

Its so hard because what if he does live another week or two? Or a month?

Either way, if you go home, you'll be returning to NJ. I guess the question is when.

I would want to support my husband also. And your uncle probably wants you to live like nothing is wrong because he obviously thinks he's gonna be around for a while.

I probably wasn't any help but that's how I'd look at it.

I'm sorry Melissa!

melissa82 · May 2010

No that helps!

I know it is really tough for anyone to say, but it helps to know what someone else would do.

jennlin · May 2010

i think your uncle and family might need you a little bit more right now... you have plenty of years to support and be with H, but only a few more days with your uncle.

HOW important is it that you are in OH with H? is he the mc of the event? is he background? if it's just for a day...i think he should be able to be fine on his own... worst case scenario is you aren't there with your uncle and then you never see him again...

but of course, it's up to you.

jennlin · May 2010

i didn't answer the question~

i think you should stay in NJ as long as necessary...even if your uncle passes before sat, i don't think it's practical to hop onto a plane the next day...the family still needs your support....

KST_ · May 2010

I"m so sorry, that's sooo hard! I will say that people honestly can will themselves to live longer, it's amazing what the body can go through when the mind demands it. So if he is determined to live through to Father's Day, chances are pretty good from what I know that he will. I can't tell you what to do, but I can say what I would do in your situation. For me, I would say what i need to say now. When someone is that ill, you don't waste time on that. Then, if you wanted to go to OH, then go and perhaps make plans to go back to NJ in a few weeks.

Kahalagurl · May 2010

I think that even if you were to fly to OH, your mind would still be in NJ. Sara had a good point that if u decide to go to OH, you should say your proper goodbyes. Id be more inclined to stay in NJ becuase like Jenn said, your family probably needs the support and you will have years and years to be supportive of H. Its a tough one either way.

jennuinne · May 2010

What I think is the hardest, is that if you knew he would pass quickly, I would definitely stay. But, if it could be several weeks or longer, that makes it more difficult b/c you can't put your life on hold indefinitely.

Tygirljojo · May 2010

I'm so sorry. I agree with Sara - only go to OH if YOU have done what you need to do. My grandfather passed away Christmas day my senior year and it was several months coming. I remember I used to freak out every once in a while and think OMG, he was going to die, but then would eventually calm myself down. I was supposed to go see him Christmas morning with my family but when time came to wake up, I'd been up late the night before and it was the ONE time I thought (stupidly) "Oh, I'll see him later." Needless to say, I wish I'd gotten my arse up to see him. I never really had a chance to say my goodbye.

It sounds like H understands if you cannot be there for him for this event, so you do what you need to do and what you feel is right, whatever that may be.

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