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Finally got the nerve up to ask my dad to walk me down the aisle and he says "I'll have to think about it".  I know he doesn't support gay marriage, but I had hoped he could set it aside and be happy for me.  Guess that's not going to happen.  So now I'm going to have a little pity party before I get over it.

Re: Sad

  • edited December 2011
    i am sorry, i have been trying to prepare myself for that same conversation and haven't followed through yet...maybe the more he "thinks about it" he will realize that its not something that really even needs consideration...he probably wouldnt have to "think about it" if you were straight.  they just dont realize how much they effect our worlds with small reactions like that...will be thinking about you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I got the same response from my parents, except it was about them even coming to the wedding.  It took some awkward and uncomfortable discussions, but they finally decided that they will be there to support me because it's a special day for me, despite their feelings on the matter. 

    So maybe if you talk to him about wanting him to be there for you on a day you consider very special, despite his feelings on the circumstances, he'll come around.
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  • daisywithakdaisywithak member
    edited December 2011
    Thanks guys.  I'm feeling better now (mostly).  The truth is I've been very lucky in that I mostly have very supportive people in my life.  I have to accept that my parents are never going to be happy with this.  If that's the worst thing to happen to me then I should consider myself a very lucky person.
  • edited December 2011
    With some parents it takes a LONG LONG amount of time!!! 

    I have been with my fiance for 6 years this August... And we've been engaged for a year, getting married in September.. My mother has done a 180 degree transformation from two months after we got engaged... 

    Have faith that some day they will come around... I will think positive thoughts for you!

    And I agree with PP... talk with him, as much as you can, show him your emotions, explain to him how much it will mean to you for him to walk you down... 

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  • nicknuttncnicknuttnc member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry for you. I know that it is not what you want to hear but maybe he will say yes. If he does not then you still will be goreogus on your day. Do not let anyone rain on your parade!!!!
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  • psiloveyooopsiloveyooo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Let me tell you that I know how you feel!  My wife ad I married in 2006 in an at-home ceremony that was not yet legally recognized.  My mother DID come to the wedding but not my father. 
    You see,  my father is a minister, so he does not believe that it is right for same sex couples to marry.  In his religion,  he believes marriage is a religious rite that is reserved between a male and a female only.
    However,  he really likes my wife and is never rude to her and always asks how she is.  He always sends us holiday cards addressed to the both of us.  It is nice to be this respected and acknowledged by him, knowing his beliefs differ from ours. 
    But it also is disappointing that he simply doesn't agree with homosexuals in love getting married.  I don't think he understands how same sex couples fall deeply in love and have the natural desire to be committed to each other as married couples.  I also think that since he says his faith teaches that it is not meant to be,   he will not learn that gay people DO, in fact, fall in love and live as committed couples.  It makes me feel bad that he will choose to miss out on an important moment in my life and say that it is "wrong."  
    I know he'd rather that I was with a man, married or not - because his beliefs say that's how it should be.  But he also knows that I have no interest in men beyond strictly friendship.  He knows I have only loved women for the entire duration of my life. 
    So he chose not to attend our wedding and it's a shame.   Just remember that this is not a tradition that needs to be as-is.   I say that homosexuals (like anyone else)  can create their own wedding traditions.  Think outside of that box.  Who says there must be gowns or tall cakes or dad walking the bride down the aisle?   The vows can be yours.  The attire is your choosing.  If you want,  someone can give away the bride and it can be a sister or a dear friend!   The dessert can be any kind of cake or any kind of dessert you choose!    We still exchanged rings at our wedding, but we did not have a tall wedding cake.  We did not have rice thrown at us, since that is a heterosexual tradition intended for fertility.  (Neither of us was pregnant and I sure don't produce sperm anyway!)  Hahaha.   
    So, don't let this bother you too much.   Try not to take it personal or let it bother you so much that you can't enjoy your day together!   If he refuses to attend, it is his choice and he knows it will hurt you.  If he wants it to be that way, then there's nothing you can do and if and when you get over it...
    But all you can do is invite him.  Don't know if he'll give you away at the wedding or not, or if he'll attend,  but all you can do is invite whomever you both want to be there.  Of someone chooses not to be there, then that is on them.    We invited who we wanted, and if someone invited didn't like the guest list, then they could choose not to come if they didn't want to.  But we would not exclude certain people just because someone didn't like the list.   As long as the couple chooses who they want,  the rest is up to the guests.    That way, nobody can blame the couple for not being invited!   
    I hope your dad will attend and I wish you both the very best for each other.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment and there is no end to the giving and compromising and caring for each other.  Just remember that your day should be wonderful and about love and commitment.      It should not be all about whether dad comes or not or the guest list.  People should not stress the couple or do anything that might ruin the mood.   But try to have the thick skin to rise above these things and try to keep focused on the prize:  YOU are going to be married to the most special person in your life!  Don't let anything else take that out of focus. 
    GOOD LUCK to you and to EVERYONE!Cool
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_sad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:cecfea16-8c0c-4ee9-9e36-563c07a87cdbPost:b9c01d76-2591-44f2-af9e-cc844cf5ba21">Re: Sad</a>:
    [QUOTE] I know he'd rather that I was with a man, married or not - because his beliefs say that's how it should be.
    Posted by psiloveyooo[/QUOTE]To the best of my knowledge, there is no religion that treats same-sex relationships as a sin that does not also treat sex outside of marriage as a sin.  Treating homosexuality as a bigger deal than sex outside of marriage is a matter of prejudice, not religion.
  • edited December 2011
    I cannot say that I relate directly to this, but I feel very strongly about acceptance.  We are who we are....and my motto is who gives a f*ck?! lol

    I'm sure you are a beautiful, talented, loving, intelligent woman. And guess what? Your dad knows this. He is just grieving for what could have been.  You are his baby and I'm betting that he just wanted you to have an "easier" life and have children and all that.  Right now he thinks that everything he ever pictured for you when you were a little girl will now not come true because you are marrying a woman instead of a man.  Sit down with him and explain that your life will still be full of everything he ever dreamed for you.

    Ask him if he ever dreamed of you growing up and finding someone to love you forever and ever unconditionally?  My bet is that he did!  And now you have found that special person and you want your dad to share in that with you.

    Remind him that whether or not he walks you down the aisle....guess what? you will always be gay.  Him not walking you down the aisle will not change that.  It will not change the fact that you are getting married.  When he looks back on your wedding though, he will never regret walking you down the aisle. He will regret NOT walking you.  Remind him of that. It seems like you say your family is supportive.  Everyone has off days and needs to be reminded once in a while. 

    It can be difficult for people to deal with things that are outside their belief system.  Unfrotunately when it comes to some things that benefit them (sex outside of marriage, birth control, alcohol, etc) they can look past their beliefs.  When it's something that they don't see as a benefit to them, they cannot embrace it.

    Your dad doesnt need to change his beliefs.  All he needs to do is embrace his daugther, her future wife and the love they share!

    Good luck!! I know your wedding will be beautiful!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    "I have to think about it" sounds like an insult to me. I can understand that your dad may not agree with your decisions but this is a very important day for his child. I would ask my mom or a close male relative or friend that means a lot to you. I would still invite him, that way he can see what he missed out on, such a huge day in his child's life.
  • cclaudia9393cclaudia9393 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know how you feel.  Although, my partner and I have been together for almost 20 years, we finally registered as domestic partners  decided to have a ceremony and reception even though marriage is not legal in our state.
    In addition, I decided to come out to my mother before she wondered why my sisters and my nieces and nephews (all in the bridal party) were excitedly talking about wedding attire and stuff. All my mother had to say was "it wasn't what she hoped for me but, what could she do now?"  Not what I wanted to hear considering my relationship should not have come as a surprise. My partner and I have been living together now since we were 18 yrs. old and she's been around the family for special occasions, holidays and any visits to my parents. I am now 36 and tired of having to hide my feelings to spare someone elses.  At this point, I don't know if she's even going to be at my wedding.   
  • edited December 2011
    I understand totally. I recently had a conversation with asking him to think about attending our wedding "if it's not too much to ask". I asked that way because I do understand his reservations being how I was raised as a muslim woman. Yet, I also know that I am still his princess. He was offende at the way I asked him to attend, and said that he will be there, although I have not asked him to walk me down the isle. Him attending is good enough for me, besides I do have an 11 year old who insists on walking =)

    We also had a lot of cancelations as we collected address for the guest list. So now I know those who truly support our Love and Happiness 100% will be there for us on our special day.

    Best wishes!
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  • dsmmrddsmmrd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You should give your father a little time and then approach the subject again. He grew up in a different time with different expectations for his kids.  In a non-confrontational way, you should approach him again, expressing how important it is to have him at your wedding in whatever role he's comfortable.  Within the big spectrum of acceptance, it's hard to know where he's falling and you don't want to shut him out just because he's not ready for the big walk.

    Whatever his decision, accept it and move on.  It's your wedding day.  There will be time enough later to work on your dad.
  • GenCerriGenCerri member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is sort of unrelated but I just wanted to let you know what my fiancee and I will be doing in terms of the aisle. 

    So, we're both women and her father passed away years ago when she was a child.  My father is alive and well.  I didn't feel comfortable having someone be my fiancee's "stand-in" dad or only having my dad walk us down.  So, I gently asked my father if he minded NOT walking me down the aisle.  Thankfully, his response was "it's your decision, it's your day!" which was a total stress reliever. 

    My fiancee and I are going to start from opposite sides of the room (indoor wedding) and then meet at the front, both of us walking towards each other and then meeting in the middle, symbolizing our separate lives meeting in the middle.  After the ceremony is over, we are going to walk down the center aisle together, symbolizing our life together, a new path.  Just an idea - maybe you'll want to use it if your dad doesn't come around.  Remember, it's your day - make it all about YOU! :)
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