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Anyone going through the same thing or something similar??

afaircloth925afaircloth925
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in Not Engaged Yet
Hi everyone!
This is my first post on TK and I just want to see if there's anyone out there like me.  My BF and I have only been dating for 8 months or so but have lived together the entire time and I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child.  Recently, he left to go overseas for a little while to provide our little family with a better life, however, I have a million things I want to do before he comes home.  We've discussed marriage and know that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together but he doesn't want to feel pressured to "tie the knot".  I completely understand that seeing as we've both been married before and know what a difficult marriage can be like.  He's everything that I could ever want and I can't wait to share his last name.  Here's my issue with not waiting to get married.  We live in a semi small town...people here look down on those who have children out of wedlock.  I know I shouldn't care what others think but it's very hard not to especially now that I'm showing.  Atleast a ring on my finger wouldn't look as bad as calling him my boyfriend or baby daddy lol.  My plan is to have the nursery, baby's stuff, bills, cars, house, wedding plan, all taken care of by the time he gets back...what do you guys think?
Sorry for the ridiculously long post!  :-)
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Re: Anyone going through the same thing or something similar??

  • Stina51286Stina51286 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-going-through-the-same-thing-or-something-similar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08c592d3-0eba-4f32-921b-6ee2d8072852Post:ea3fbb9c-ef3d-4be1-9b4a-417cba82c021">Anyone going through the same thing or something similar??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone! This is my first post on TK and I just want to see if there's anyone out there like me.  My BF and I have only been dating for 8 months or so but have lived together the entire time and I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child.  Recently, he left to go overseas for a little while to provide our little family with a better life, however, I have a million things I want to do before he comes home.  We've discussed marriage and know that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together but he doesn't want to feel pressured to "tie the knot".  I completely understand that seeing as we've both been married before and know what a difficult marriage can be like.  He's everything that I could ever want and I can't wait to share his last name.  Here's my issue with not waiting to get married.  We live in a semi small town...people here look down on those who have children out of wedlock.  I know I shouldn't care what others think but it's very hard not to especially now that I'm showing.  Atleast a ring on my finger wouldn't look as bad as calling him my boyfriend or baby daddy lol.  <strong>My plan is to have the nursery, baby's stuff, bills, cars, house, wedding plan, all taken care of by the time he gets back</strong>...what do you guys think? Sorry for the ridiculously long post!  :-)
    Posted by afaircloth925[/QUOTE]

    Have you two talked marriage before he left? I don't think I would plan a wedding if the two of you didn't have the same views on marriage at this particular place in your relationship.

     

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  • Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I wouldn't focus on the wedding part of your life right now unless you guys have clearly discussed that he does want to plan a wedding and when.  You are about to become a mother I would focus on the upcoming baby and preparing for that next big step of your life first.  Your child should come first.

    Anniversary

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    ... I got nothin'.

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  • Lil B MamaLil B Mama
    First Comment
    As someone who has been in a similar situation (dated for a year then got pregnant), I can completely understand why you would rather have a ring on your finger than face the "judgement" of those who frown upon having babies out of wedlock. It sucks to have people looking down on you, but at the end of the day its your life, and the opinions of others are not going to affect your child as much as you might think. 
    All I can say is wait it out. The baby is going to change your relationship in ways you cannot predict. I've seen multi-year relationships fall apart after the baby is born, it's sad but it happens. I was telling FI the other day that I was glad he waited to propose (DS was 11 months). There was no pressure and after nearly a year of parenting together we knew we could handle anything.
    You dont need to be married to be amazing parents, just take it one step at a time. Focus your attention on that little baby and be patient with everything else. No one can judge you for being the best mom you can be.
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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-going-through-the-same-thing-or-something-similar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08c592d3-0eba-4f32-921b-6ee2d8072852Post:ea3fbb9c-ef3d-4be1-9b4a-417cba82c021">Anyone going through the same thing or something similar??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi everyone! This is my first post on TK and I just want to see if there's anyone out there like me.  My BF and I have only been dating for 8 months or so but have lived together the entire time and I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child.  Recently, he left to go overseas for a little while to provide our little family with a better life, however, I have a million things I want to do before he comes home.  We've discussed marriage and know that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together but <strong>he doesn't want to feel pressured to "tie the knot".</strong>  I completely understand that seeing as we've both been married before and know what a difficult marriage can be like.  He's everything that I could ever want and I can't wait to share his last name.  Here's my issue with not waiting to get married.  We live in a semi small town...people here look down on those who have children out of wedlock.  I know I shouldn't care what others think but it's very hard not to especially now that I'm showing.  Atleast a ring on my finger wouldn't look as bad as calling him my boyfriend or baby daddy lol.  <strong>My plan is to have</strong> <strong>the</strong> nursery, baby's stuff, bills, cars, house, <strong>wedding plan</strong>, <strong>all taken care of by the time he gets back</strong>...what do you guys think? Sorry for the ridiculously long post!  :-)
    Posted by afaircloth925[/QUOTE]

    This is you pressuring him to "tie the knot". Please just stop it right now. You obviously don't understand (as you claim to) or you wouldn't be doing this. I understand not wanting to be a mother out of wedlock (as I am-with a 10 yr old, now), but it is NOT a reason to get married. Said it to another girl last week, and I'll say it again. DO NOT get married just because you are pregnant. It is not a good enough reason. If you push this on him when he is not ready, he will grow to resent both you and your child. So please, in the name of all that is holy, please stop. Appreciate that he is doing what it takes to provide for you, and enjoy your family. Focus on preparing for your little one's arrival. Leave the wedding planning for when you are actually engaged. If you're not sure of when that is, it is after you and your bf have MUTUALLY agreed to get married.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
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  • somethingsilversomethingsilver
    First Comment
    As PP have said, if he hasn't proposed yet, there's a reason. You should never get ahead of your man. I'm sorry, but the whole "I'll look down on you if you have a kid and aren't married" is really old school. It's just not how the world is today. If you truly believe in your statement that you don't care what others think, then stop pressuring for a wedding.
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  • eirwyneirwyn member
    First Comment
    I think it's awesome you want to have the baby's room and other things ready for when he comes home, but I wouldn't make a wedding plan. He's stated he isn't ready for marriage, and you need to respect that. I know you feel like everyone is looking down on you, but pressuring him into marrying you is only going to chase him away (and then you'll be *single* with a baby).

    Please respect his wishes and slow down on the wedding plans. Focus on preparing for your child. Join Pinterest and look at nursery designs/themes, activities for babies and children, educational ideas, and snack ideas. Planning for and having a baby together is exciting, and you should focus on that.
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    He explicitly stated that he doesn't want to be pressured into getting married, yet you want to plan a wedding while he's gone?  Not cool, and you need to stop immediately.  If you succeed in pressuring him into marriage, he'll resent the hell out of you and you'll both be miserable.  The more likely response though will be him running for the hills because he can't trust you to respect his feelings.  I know you are having a baby, but you've still only been together for 8 months, give your relationship some time to grow and let you settle into life as parents, you'll both be happier for it.

    Anniversary
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  • RWS2011RWS2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    I'll reiterate some of the posters above.  By planning a wedding in his absence, you are pressuring your boyfriend into marriage.  The judgements of others can be difficult to deal with, but when your baby comes, you are going to be so focused on caring for his/her needs, other's opinions will mean less and less every day!

    Also, I had a child out of wedlock.  Our relationship was great until after the baby came.  We ended up having very different goals and priorities and fought a lot.  In the end, he is still a loving father, but we are no longer together.  I am now (almost 8 years later) engaged to the love of my life.  Never once did I regret not marrying my "baby's daddy."  Good luck with getting everything ready for your baby.  That should come first right now!
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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Don't put pressure on your relationship...you'll be under enough pressure as it is having a baby with someone you haven't even known for a year.

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  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    On the off chance he's overseas with the military (you are in NC, after all), you have no idea how he will come back.  It is entirely possible his entire view on life can change.

    On the real topic, whether you should plan a wedding without his permission?  Absolutely not.  Unless you think that your small town is going to look down less on a single mother.

    You're five months pregnant.  Take care of yourself and your baby.
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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-yooouu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7f434415-b89f-41e2-8c60-50999902630dPost:93bf787e-1a38-468c-bb75-851f80bd2f15">Re: Getting to know yooouu.</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Screen Name: I don't remember exactly afaircloth925 I think Age: 24 Significant Other's Age: 29 What You Do: Assistant manager for a Dental office What SO Does: Overseas contractor State of Relationship: Dating/ living together How Long You've Been Together: 8 months How You Met: I stalked him :-)...I knew about him through a mutual friend, saw him at a bar one night, introduced myself, then one thing led to another :-) Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): not yet :-( Real Babies: 20 weeks pregnant with both of our firsts Fur Babies: Deuce, our boxer and Jack, our Jack Russell Loves:  feeling accomplished and independent Hates: negativity and cockiness Pet Peeves: people who think people owe them something or people who think they're better than others Hobbies/Activities: listening to music, movies, reading Favorite Thing About Your SO: I have alot! His smile, his eyes, his drive, the way he loves me. Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: he smokes but is gonna quit by the time the baby comes Describe Your Personality: tenderhearted at times but mainly a jokester Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): I'm not real sure what that means I've Been On TK Since: Like 3 weeks ago How You Came to Be On TK: Checking out baby websites...ran along the bump How I like my potatoes: Any way except raw Favorite book/author: Nicholas Sparks Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I've never been on a plane
    Posted by afaircloth925[/QUOTE]

    Ditto what PPs have said.  Also, you're 24 and have known this guy for less than a year.  Please don't rush into marriage and DEFINITELY do not plan a wedding that you're both not in agreement with.
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    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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  • dewingedpixiedewingedpixie member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Wait it out please and worry about the bills, and the baby coming into your life. Babies change everything. My first marraige was tumoultuos from the get out, but I married him because he was my baby's daddy. It was a VERY BAD MOVE! Do not do things because others expect them of you, or because you think its the right thing to do. Do them because its the right thing for the two of you. Right now focus on the baby and the changes coming to both of you, then get married when things have settled down.
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  • LoveBug82510LoveBug82510 member
    First Comment
    I understand your concern about not wanting to be a mother out of wedlock, I never wanted that to happen to me (or anyone for that matter) but I'm a mom and have a 11 year old son.  Believe me, I would LOVE to get engaged and get married, but I'm not worried about that.  I'm more worried about keeping a job in this economy so I can make money to pay the bills, put food on the table,  clothes on our backs and a roof over our head.  My bf and I moved in together because we wanted to take that step.  Have we talked about marriage? Yes.  Are we going to get engaged? Yes, but only when I'm 'financially stable.'  I agree with him 100% abou waiting because you never know what will happen. 

    I agree with the PP's.  Don't worry about wedding plans.  Worry about paying the bills and taking care of your unborn child.  They are more important than trying to plan a wedding when you're not even engaged.  Take it one step at a time. 
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