Would you be offended?

litskispecialty · November 2010

So DH's sister had a baby girl about 3 weeks ago now (late Oct).

Unfort with our busy schedules and her living an hour away we haven't gone to see the baby yet. I'm not very close with his sister, we used to be but now we're not. I've tried to be supportive even though she had her baby shower (3rd child) on the same day as our wedding shower (her's was in MA, ours was in NH, no one in DH's family came to our shower they all attended hers). DH has appologized for not getting down there and had mentioned is wants to set up a time to meet the baby with his sister.

This weekend we got one of those birth annoucements It's a girl! and she addressed it only to DH. I'm really hurt, I thought I was this child's aunt now that we're married. I've always though I was an aunt to the other 6 children in the family but it depends on who I'm around if I'm called auntie M or not. Just assumed maybe they wanted to wait until we were married to call me that. The other 2 sister in laws are called Auntie whomever. If I were the aunt and he is the uncle wouldn't you send the annoucement to both?

DH doesn't think she did this on purpose that she just assumed it was sent knowing that if it was mailed to him it would get to us...but I don't feel that is the case.

Would you be offended if this happened to you? Am I making too big a deal of this? Shouldn't she have addressed it to both of us?

Lately his family has had a lot of family gatherings and DH hasn't been able to go as he had to work (rotating schedule). Everytime he says he's not going no one asks if I'm going and no one follows up when I don't show up later. I know they have a life but since we've both missed like 4 or 5 events now I kinda feel like I'm not welcome without DH and have decided to just stay home unless I really do have something going on which has been the case in some events and I've made that clear to them.

I've asked him to say something to his family many times as I think he would be a better middle man as he's close with all of them. It could be a misunderstanding, but they make a huge deal of if he is coming to an event or not, why don't they care if I"m coming and automatically assume I'm not going? If I feel welcome and I'm not working I'll go, if I'm not I should be aware and let me know what I've done to you to not be welcome any longer.

I'm also afraid he will get a fake answer. For example "Oh I just forgot to put her name on there" or something when she had a different intention. I'm afraid that she won't say something directly because hopefully DH would then say "well if my wife isn't welcome then I don't feel I need to go either".

I don't want to get in the middle of his family, but at the same time we're married now I AM his family. My family goes out of their way to include him. Believe me I'm not asking for my own hand delievered invitation or birth annoucement but it's a we thing now not a him thing right?

Sorry for the super long post I'm just really hurt and wish DH would open his eyes a little more to both sides instead of just assuming I'm making too big a deal instead of hearing my concerns.

chica7484 · November 2010

I'd be slightly offended. The addressing of the announcement definitely could be an oversight, but it strikes me as very odd. It's not really that hard to write "& Mrs."

Family events are kind of tough...I've been to parties for DH's family without him, but I volunteered to go. I don't think they would have thought to invite just me, as the original invite was for the two of us. When DH responds and says, "I can't go," I can understand the message being interpreted as "We can't go." In my case, I didn't have anything going on, so I called DH's aunt and said if the invitation was still there, I'd like to attend to support his cousin (graduation party). I think the next time this situation comes up and you ARE free, you should reach out and RSVP for yourself.

Who has a shower for a 3rd child? Really? The fact that his family went to a shower for a third child instead of a wedding is the most offensive thing to be honest.

mariegra · November 2010

1) Yes, I would be offended, but....
2) I would take the 'high road' and just let it go to keep peace in the family.

Some things are just not worth the drama....if it was intentional, then she's just wanting to get a reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

EDK2010 · November 2010

Honestly I think you may be reading too much into this. It sounds like your feelings were hurt by your SIL and rightfully so considering the shower situation. But I wouldn't get too offended by not being addressed on the baby announcement envelope until you know it was intentional.

I know for a fact there were times that I sent my sister cards etc. and only put her name not my BIL. It wasn't to be hurtful, it's just she is my sister. Is it proper or nice for the baby announcement to be addressed to only your DH? No it's not, but I wouldn't hold it against her unless you continue to get things with only DH's name. If she continues to send stuff to only DH maybe make a joke out of it next time you see her like "it's so funny people keep sending stuff addressed to just DH, he isn't a bachelor anymore haha" or something jokingly that doesn't imply conflict.

It's hard to find your way in a new family. I often found myself inviting myself to a lot of DH's family events if he couldn't go. Once his family realized I cared about their family stuff too, they started making sure I knew about things even if DH couldn't be there. It's a give and take, show interest and maybe they will make more of an effort.

Would you be offended?

Re: Would you be offended?

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