Incorporating our Children

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

I'm really lost on how to incorporate our children. This is the second marriage for both of us. My FI has a daughter that will be 5 by the time we get married and we have a son together that will be 11 months.

Our whole thing is about making our family a full official family. I was wanting to do something to incorporate our children into the ceremony but I'm not sure what.

We are planning on having our daughter as the flower girl and our son will be the ring bearer (with my mom carrying him down the aisle). We are also planning on doing our recessional as a family of 4. But, I want to put them in the vows or do a small ritual (not a unity candle or sand ritual though). Any ideas on what we an do? TIA

jenn.daniel · June 2010

IMO, what you're planning on sounds like plenty.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_incorporating-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b9fb7db3-e4ca-4de2-8453-0ff628b9bc74Post:4a698633-9d0e-4b78-8686-e37ef335df8a">Incorporating our Children</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really lost on how to incorporate our children. This is the second marriage for both of us. My FI has a daughter that will be 5 by the time we get married and we have a son together that will be 11 months. Our whole thing is about making our family a full official family. I was wanting to do something to incorporate our children into the ceremony but I'm not sure what. We are planning on having our daughter as the flower girl and our son will be the ring bearer (with my mom carrying him down the aisle). We are also planning on doing our recessional as a family of 4. But, I want to put them in the vows or do a small ritual (not a unity candle or sand ritual though). Any ideas on what we an do? TIA
Posted by monkeysmama22[/QUOTE]

I think having them as FG and RB is plenty. I am not at all a fan of incorporating children into a ceremony.

First of all, you are both the biological parents of your son. So there isn't ANY need at all to create some sort of "vows" of being a family. You were a family the second he was born. Why do you need to make "vows" to be his parents and take care of him?

#2) He's 11 months old. He is not at all capable of making OR understanding "vows" of any kind, so it's inappropriate to do that. Ditto the 5 year old. I teach 5 year olds. She'll know that you're getting married. But she can't make a vow, nor should she.

#3) If your future step-daughter's mom is in the picture, I think it's wrong to have a ceremony where you'll become her "new" mommy. Let's just flash forward 4 years. Suppose, heaven forbid, you and your FI split up, and he remarries. Do you really want another woman making vows to your son to be his new mommy?

#4) I completely disagree with the statement "Our whole thing is about making our family a full official family". That is NOT what a wedding is about. It's about two consenting adults making promises to each other.

As I said, have them in adorable outfits and let them do their thing as FG and RB. (Although I will also say that I'm in the camp that says that unless someone can get down the aisle, all by themself, and use words to describe what their role is and why they're doing it, they're too young. But I'll give you pretending that he's a ring bearer.)

Have the photographer take lots of adorable photos of all of you together. Have a sweet "family dance" at the reception.

Just don't put children in the vows part of the ceremony.

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

Wow so helpful....

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

I wouldn't be saying I'm her new mommy. The point is to tell her I will love her and take care of her. She is very smart and at 4 has already told us she wants to be part of the wedding.

As far as it being about us being a family, thats what this is. It makes me an official part of my FI family.

I don't really understand why you would post all negative comments about what I said. If you can't help, why post?

Audrey&Austin · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_incorporating-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b9fb7db3-e4ca-4de2-8453-0ff628b9bc74Post:92cd2ec9-0bf4-4377-9792-97cf94e2e89a">Re: Incorporating our Children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Incorporating our Children : I think having them as FG and RB is plenty. I am not at all a fan of incorporating children into a ceremony. First of all, you are both the biological parents of your son. So there isn't ANY need at all to create some sort of "vows" of being a family. You were a family the second he was born. Why do you need to make "vows" to be his parents and take care of him? #2) He's 11 months old. He is not at all capable of making OR understanding "vows" of any kind, so it's inappropriate to do that. Ditto the 5 year old. I teach 5 year olds. She'll know that you're getting married. But she can't make a vow, nor should she. #3) If your future step-daughter's mom is in the picture, I think it's wrong to have a ceremony where you'll become her "new" mommy. Let's just flash forward 4 years. Suppose, heaven forbid, you and your FI split up, and he remarries. Do you really want another woman making vows to your son to be his new mommy? #4) I completely disagree with the statement "Our whole thing is about making our family a full official family". That is NOT what a wedding is about. It's about two consenting adults making promises to each other. As I said, have them in adorable outfits and let them do their thing as FG and RB. (Although I will also say that I'm in the camp that says that unless someone can get down the aisle, all by themself, and use words to describe what their role is and why they're doing it, they're too young. But I'll give you pretending that he's a ring bearer.) Have the photographer take lots of adorable photos of all of you together. Have a sweet "family dance" at the reception. Just don't put children in the vows part of the ceremony.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
I completely agree. Trying to incorporate them into the ceremony seems a bit ridiculous. Your son is already part of the family, why create vows for an 11 month old?? I'm guessing the his daughter is part of the family as well, so I think trying to force something into the ceremony is just unnecessary.

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

I never said anything about doing vows with the kids, not exactly sure where you guys are getting that from.

Having my son as the ring bearer is great, but my FI daughter asked to be a part of the wedding, so I am trying to find something to help incorporate her.

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

and when I said put them in the vows, I didn't mean have them recite vows, I meant how can I incorporate saying something about them in my vows

aerinpegadrak · June 2010

Tell her that at a wedding, anyone who isn't the bride and groom just watches, but that flower girl is still a very important job and she'll get to watch from a special place. If she's not happy with that, she'll get over it.

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

I guess in my opinion a big part of my FI and my relationship is we are parents. We are extremely proud to be parents to our children. They are our number one priority.We are having an actual wedding on not just eloping for our children. It's important to our daughter to be a big part.

I'm kind of offended that the only responses I have gotten are negative responses to my request for help. I'm just trying to find a way to make our daughter happy by incorporating her in the ceremony.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_incorporating-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:b9fb7db3-e4ca-4de2-8453-0ff628b9bc74Post:4b7640e9-ec9a-401d-966b-cfb82e0a822f">Re: Incorporating our Children</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be saying I'm her new mommy. The point is to tell her I will love her and take care of her. She is very smart and at 4 has already told us she wants to be part of the wedding. As far as it being about us being a family, thats what this is. It makes me an official part of my FI family. I don't really understand why you would post all negative comments about what I said. <strong><em>If you can't help, why post? </em></strong>Because I prefer to be told when I'm about to do something that will be a bad idea.....I find that helpful.
Posted by monkeysmama22[/QUOTE]

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

So I should hurt my 5 year old step daughter and make her feel like she isn't important? It's a big day for all of us.

She has had a really hard life...I think allowing her to be a part of something that she really wants to be a part of isn't bad. I don't really see how it's hurting any of you for me to incorporate her...

trix1223 · June 2010

But making her your FG IS including her. Having a family dance at the reception IS including her. Have a special family photo taken IS including her. I just **don't** see a need for more than that.

I don't think that a 5 year old should be dictating what she does and doesn't get to do in a wedding. She needs to learn that grown-ups make important decisions for the family, not 5 year olds. (I teach 5 year olds, and kids really need to know whose responsibility the big decisions in life are.)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying to her "Honey, you're going to be our one and only flower girl. You'll walk down the aisle right before I do, and then stand with the bridesmaids (or sit with grandma, aunt, etc.) during the part where daddy and I make promises to each other.

And then the photographer is going to take a whole bunch of pictures of us all together. And at the party, you and daddy will have a special dance together. It's going to be a wonderful day."

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

we aren't having dancing at our reception so there wont be a family dance of any kind.

I'm not letting her dictate anything, she asked me to be a part, and I want to allow her to be a part.

I'm done with this post since noone has given me an HELPFUL advice.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_incorporating-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:b9fb7db3-e4ca-4de2-8453-0ff628b9bc74Post:c9024b29-b040-44e2-884d-84023bc30f06">Re: Incorporating our Children</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess in my opinion a big part of my FI and my relationship is we are parents. We are extremely proud to be parents to our children. They are our number one priority.We are having an actual wedding on not just eloping for our children. It's important to our daughter to be a big part. I'm kind of offended that the only responses I have gotten are negative responses to my request for help. I'm just trying to find a way to make our daughter happy by incorporating her in the ceremony.
Posted by monkeysmama22[/QUOTE]

And FWIW: Many people here are parents. They understand how much you love your children. I have three children and two wonderful children-in-law. I would, quite literally, give my life for any of them.

However, when you are the parent of young chlidren, school age children, and high school kids, there is an important line between being a parent and not allowing them to make decisions that they don't have the life experience to make yet~even if it makes them unhappy at the time.

Audrey&Austin · June 2010

It seems like you're mad because people here are trying to help, even if you don't like what they have to say. These ladies are right, you don't need to do anymore to incorporate your daughter. She is the flower girl, wonderful, now that is her part. She is only five, why are you letting her make decisions that you should make, both as a parent and a bride??

monkeysmama22 · June 2010

As I restated...when I said that I didn't mean I want to say vows with them or have them say vows, I want to mention them in my vows....

fatchunk · June 2010

my daughters are walking me down the aisle and giving me away. he doesnt have kids so i dont exactly have your situation.
i think making her your flower girl and him your ring bearer is good OR you can have them walk down the aisle together before or after the wedding party. kind of like junior bridesmaid/groomsman. you'd be sort of making up a role for them to play but who cares. it would set them apart

ReadySetLetsWed · June 2010

There are many different opinions on including children in weddings, I myself will be including my children, my youngest daughter will be the flower girl, my eldest will be a junior, during the vows the minister will be including them. We have made it so my fi will give my daughters each a locket and he will be promising to be the best he can to them, the minister suggested this part when I asked. They will also have a dance with my fi. He is marrying me but with me comes my children and honestly if he didn't love them nor them him there would be no marriage. We asked their father if he has any problems with the plan and he doesn't because he will be marrying as well and he hopes that I will be willing to allow him to incorporate the girls in his. The way him and I see it my girls have 2 moms and 2 dads. We don't always agree but we are blended families and come from blended families so we make the most out of it.

Now I personally don't think you need to include your son anymore then you have planned because he is the outcome of your love, and he is both of yours already when you guys had him you already had obligations to do right by him and the three of you were automatically bound for life. But it is your choice. Another suggestion is your minister (or whatever) may have some ideas.

daisybug24 · June 2010

Wow...people seem to have such strong opinions about what others should be doing with their children!! I think you should incorporate your children however you see fit...it is your wedding and your family. I don't think that including them by mentioning them in your vows is creepy at all and I can't imagine that many parents actually have the children saying vows...that seems a little odd and that obviously wasn't what you meant. My FI has no children and I have 2. Our marriage is about our own union as a couple as well as our commitment to our new family...I would not be marrying my FI if he did not make my children a priority. We will most likely mention the kids or the family in our vows as a couple and my sons will be groomsmen in the ceremony. We are considering a sand cermony as well in which they will be included. Please don't let people's negativity keep you from including your step daughter. She will alway have a mother...I'm sure you are not trying to replace her...just trying to show her how important she is to you and that you love her. Your place in her life will also be special and that is not disrespectful to her mother...it is wonderful for children to feel included and family is really about the people who love you...the more the merrier as I see it!!! My children have a stepmother and I didn't ask what they planned on doing in their wedding ceremony...my kids know without a doubt who their mother is and I am grateful for anyone who is good to my children and puts them first...I would hope that their stepmother loves them and treats them as well as she would her own children!

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