Need advice on discussing wedding with biological father

kylelynntuttle · April 2011

This has a long back-story, so I will try to sum it up.

I never really met my whole biological fathers family (or really knew him) until I was almost out of college.

My mom, never married him, but was recently divorced (still using) my older brother's dad's last name. They stayed good friends, and I by default, got his last name. Unfortunately, the man who I called "daddy" passed away very unexpectedly a year after finishing my BFA.

My mom also remarried when I was in middle school, so I also have a step dad.

I have made a lot of effort to be around my biological father, and my several brothers and sisters from him; and he made a huge deal at my older sisters wedding about being a large contributor when I get married.

I chose, in the fall; to allow my step-father to walk me down the aisle. Since then, my biological father; who is very distant, and puts in very little work to our relationship, said he is very happy my step father is walking me; but now, after making a huge deal about funding part of the wedding; has said nothing.

Myy mom/step dad, aunt, and my fiance's parents have all kicked in, as well as the two of us spending a lot on this 100 guest wedding...

Is it rude, to ask my biological father, if he is still interested in being a part of the wedding and contributing as he originally promised?

I need some thoughts on this. It is a very trying and difficult subject for me. I have made huge efforts to be a part of my biological father/families lives, and I had to invite nearly 30 people from his family alone, and now I am concerned he has no desire to help with any of it.

vicki0508 · April 2011

It's never appropriate to ask someone to fund your wedding. If he wants to help, he'll send you a check.

sklink0486 · April 2011

I understand what you're saying- you need to know if his money should be factored into the budget. You can't just wait around for a check that's never going to come. There's not really any tactful way to go about asking him if he is still contributing though. I would just suggest bringing up the wedding to him and seeing if he says anything about contributing. If not, you may have to ask him bluntly- were you still considering contributing towards our wedding..

mary9449 · April 2011

It's never polite to ask for money. Plan for what you can afford and if he contributes that will be extra for you to have.

fianceekathryn · April 2011

I don't think it has to be rude. If it's stressing you out, I think you can only improve the situation by having a conversation. You're not asking for money, you are clarifying his expectations. As long as you don't approach it as though you are demanding to know where the money he promised you is, I think it should be fine. Just be honest with him- you need to make decisions about where and how to spend your budget, and since he indicated that he wanted to help out, you wanted to know what his thoughts were on that issue now. You appreciate his offer and anything he's willing to contribute, and he's under no obligation, you just want to be on the same page that he's on.

Cynthia1207 · April 2011

Yes it would be rude to ask him. I believe that when you get married, you should plan for the wedding you can afford regardless of what people are willing to help you with. No one is under any obligation to pay for anything besides you and FI whether they ''promised'' or not. You are getting married, not them.

It seems like you and your dad don't really have much of a relationship to start with. To go and ask him for money would just make it seem like you want to talk to him because you need something from him. Build on your relationship, that's way more imortant than paying for a wedding.

MyNameIsNot · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-discussing-wedding-biological-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:298b0703-12ed-44af-8b58-8834f733111ePost:f4827a41-0029-41d6-9293-51412adf7971">Re: Need advice on discussing wedding with biological father</a>:
[QUOTE]Plan the wedding you can afford. Period. Don't expect him to give any money. Later, if he does choose to contribute, it will be a nice surprise.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds like he doesn't want to contribute, and in any event, it would be rude to ask. If he decides he wants to, he'll send you a check. You can upgrade something, or just replenish your savings.</div>

aerinpegadrak · April 2011

You should never count on ANY money for your wedding until it's in hand. Plan based on what you know you can pay. Anything extra is bonus. Your dad would be under no obligation to help fund your party just because he provided you with genetic material even if you did have a close relationship, and because you're not close, asking becomes 1000x more awkward and inappropriate.

Audrey&Austin · April 2011

If you don't have a check from him, don't expect anything. If he does decide to help you out with your wedding, that's great. But never ask people to fund your wedding, its incredibly rude.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

I understand that is is rude to ask someone to pay for your wedding, but I think that you would be fine in clarifying the information he gave you previously. He's already offered it. This does not mean that he has to give any money towards the wedding, but it would be odd for him to be so insistent on giving money and then suddenly want nothing to do with it. He probably doesn't know much about wedding etiquette and may be waiting on you to approach him about it since he had already opened the conversation.

KoriA · April 2011

Hmmm... I have a similar situation with the biological father never being around until very recently, I think what differentiates your situation is that you chose your Step-dad to walk you down the aisle, which pretty much leaves your biological father out. Although he says hes happy that you chose your stepdad, he may be kind of sad that you didn't choose him.
I always try to look at things from different perspectives. Maybe offering you the money was a way to ensure you'd choose him to walk you down the Isle, and now that you haven't he might be rethinking his offer.
or Maybe he just forgot entirely which is unlikely but you never know, the last thing is that maybe he just wants you to ask, depending on the way he thinks, he may just wan't to see that you need or wan't him in your life, but this also ties into the you-chose-your-stepdad thing.
Maybe you can find another way to incorporate your biological father into the wedding and make him feel more useful, which may be just what he needs to re-offer you the money you need/want.
...Because he hasn't really been in your life that much, it makes sense that you would have chosen your stepdad. I personally had a difficult time choosing who I wanted to walk me down the aisle, and for a long time, I wanted only my stepdad but after a lot of battling my feelings and thoughts I finally decided and although it may be slightly awkward or untraditional I asked both. But neither is going to help pay for my wedding.
Personally I think that unless hes a part of the wedding somehow, or like the other girls said, he sends you a check, its not really a good idea to ask for money, especially cause it may further strain your relationship.
I know this is a lot of maybe's but I hope it helps

Good Luck!

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

Honestly, reading over your post, it comes across like this:

"My bio dad is a big jerk who was never a part of my life. I only have his last name by default, I would have taken my Step Dad's name had I been given the choice. I have jumped through hoops to create a relationship with him and his family. My bio Dad PROMISED to help fund my wedding, which is well and good, because it's the least he can do after being a crappy Dad my whole life. However, I chose to have my Step Dad walk me down the aisle. After all, he was the one who was REALLY there for me. Now my Dad is unreasonably upset by this, and he's trying to get back at me by not giving me the money he owes me, like he promised. Isn't he a big jerk? Don't you all agree with me that he OWES me this money, and regardless of who will walk me down the aisle, he is still obligated to pony up? Oh, and get this, I have to invite at least 30 people from his side of the family now. Never mind the fact that I have "jumped through hoops" to make them a part of my life, I would never have invited them except I thought I would get something out of it in the form of a check from my Dad. Can you believe the nerve?!?!".

you sound like a brat. Your bio Dad doesn't owe you anything. Plan the wedding you can afford.

Need advice on discussing wedding with biological father

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