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How to honor a sudden death in the family at our wedding.

justjess17justjess17
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids

As I am writing this, my mind is all over due to lack of sleep and stress.  Let me start at the beginning, last Thursday my fiance and I got a call that his grandmother (whom he is very close) had fallen and hurt her head. She was in a coma. She, along with the rest of his family, live in South Carolina. We made travel arrangements and got down there Friday. By Saturday, they had seen no brain activity and no signs of recovery. Sunday they decided to take her off life support. She passed away Monday.  It has been a whirlwind. She was so healthy and loved life.  We never expected this and my FI is having a hard time.  

On our way down there Friday, we stopped home to leave a key for my family to let out our dog. We saw a package on the step and realized it was our programs that were hot off the presses.  They are gorgeous, without thinking I stuffed one in my purse and we took off. 

While we were down there, we all had time to say goodbye.  We read the wedding program to his grandma and we decided we would give it to her in the casket.  His grandfather does not want us to reprint them with a memorial to her. Instead we are going to give everyone a picture of her with a beautiful saying of how much she means to us and we know she is watching over us. 

I also did not cancel her flowers that she was going to recieve at the wedding. We decided we would place it on her chair where was supposed to be sitting. 

It is just so hard because we are only getting married in 4 weeks. It is going to be a happy day but at the same time, I know my FI and his family are going to be looking for her and missing her.  I just want to honor her in a way that is thoughtful and kind, but without it becoming a memorial. 

Do you think this is enough or is there anything else you can think of to add that would be special?

Your help is appreciated, thank you. 

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Re: How to honor a sudden death in the family at our wedding.

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My mom died exactly 3 weeks to the day before DD's wedding.  DD and her grandma were very close, so I can completely understand where you are, and I am so sorry for the loss of your FI's grandma.  My sympathies are with you.

    And having been where you are, let me give you my best advice. Wait before you make any decisions.  Your emotions are SO raw right now that making a decision this week is not in anyone's best interest., and there's absolutely NO NEED to make any decisions about your wedding right now.

    And then, in a couple of weeks, speak with his family about what they want.  They may not want to do anything overt, but instead keep the day happy and joy-filled.

    You don't have to cancel flowers now.  You can likely do that as late as the week of the wedding.  We did.  You don't need to reprint your programs.  Those closest to you will know that grandma passed away and those who don't probably won't question it.

    FWIW:  I would not have been able to bear, at all...at all, seeing flowers for my mom on an empty chair at DD's wedding.  It would have been way too much of an in-your-face and harsh reminder that my mom wasn't sitting with me as my own DD was getting married.  I would not have wanted a picture of her passed around either, nor would my dad or any of my brothers and sister.

    And I have to say, my mom would have KILLED us if she at all thought we were taking any attention off of her granddaughter on her wedding day.  DD and I shared a mini-meltdown moment early on the day of the wedding, and then we pulled ourselves together and had a beautiful, celebratory day.

    As I said, when one is only a month away from her wedding, we tend to view everything through the prism of the wedding lens and how something affects the wedding.

    Drop wedding now.  This doesn't affect your wedding.  Be there for your ILs.  And then in a week or two, ask your FI, your FMIL and your FFIL what THEY think is appropriate, and then abide by their wishes.

    Again, my condolences.  It will be 1 year on Sunday that we lost my mom.  It still hurts some days.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • justjess17justjess17
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you.  This is very helpful, I never thought how raw it will still be. Those ideas were my FI's but I think he is still shocked it has happened and wanted to plan ahead.  I agree that right now we can concentrate on one thing at a time, and that is getting through this loss. 

    I am sorry for your loss as well and I hope my family can get through the day as gracefully as your's did. 
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Good luck to you and your family, Jess.  I want to share with you something that happened at DD's wedding ceremony. 

    The day was overcast with a pretty good chance of rain predicted.  We were all wondering whether to move the outdoor ceremony inside.  DD kept telling people to stop worrying because the ceremony would be outside and it would be fine. 

    We were literally checking the weather dot com website for the hour to hour forecast.  Andthe chance of rain  kept getting smaller and smaller, but was still cloudy and overcast.

    Quite literally, as DD reached for her DH's hand at the end of the aisle, for one brief, spectactular moment, the sun broke out and shined on them both.  We all were startled, and then smiled, knowing that my mom, and my new SIL's dad (who had died 9 months before the wedding) were just sending us a vivid message that they were watching with us.

    Your FI's wonderful grandma will be with you.  Watch for the sign that will surely come.  Good luck, sweetie.  And just page me in the coming weeks if you want to vent a little!

    One last thought:  in a week or two, ask your FI if there's a quiet way he'd like to have his grandma with him.  My DD wore a pair of grandma's earrings at her ceremony.  Perhaps your FI's grandma had something that he could keep in his pocket on his wedding day.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • justjess17justjess17
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That is amazing, what a beautiful way for your mom and your daughter's DH's dad to send their love.  I love the idea of my FI having something of his grandma's with him, I will mention it in the upcoming weeks, thank you! 

    If I need to vent/chat I will definitely let you know.  I appreciate all your kind words and advice.  The next few days I am traveling for the funeral, after that we can begin to heal and know we have just another wonderful angel watching over us.  

    I will keep in touch. <3 
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  • musicweddingmusicwedding
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I love Offbeat Bride for this kind of thing. Check these links out and see what you think!

    http://offbeatbride.com/2008/06/wedding-memorial
    http://offbeatbride.com/2010/06/memorial-bouquet
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  • llgusllgus member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am actually getting 3 very tiny frames (can be found at a craft store - think 1" x 1" and smaller) and will put a picture of both of my grandmothers and my FI's grandfather in the frames and those will be incorporated into my boquet for the wedding.
    We are having an outdoor wedding and candles won't hold up in the wind, etc, so I'm going to do something a little different. Our immediate family knows that we're going to honor our loved ones that way, if others see it and know about it, great, if not, i see it as a very personal way to have them with me on my day.

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  • myother1myother1 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Something similar happened in my family -- my grandmother passed away about a week ago, and our wedding is next weekend.

    We haven't cancelled her flowers either...I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with them yet.  The minister will be having a moment of silence to honor her at the beginning of the ceremony.


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  • justjess17justjess17
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much.  MY FI is going to carry his grandmother's handkerchief in his tux.  We also are going to add her to our prayer of the faithful. Our priest will also include a humorous story about her and his grandfather as an example of a wonderful marriage.  We feel it is too close to have pictures or flowers in her seat. It will only open the very new wound of losing her for not only but his grandfather and mother.  We know it is going to be a hard day in some ways for his family because she was supposed to be there, but at the same time we wanted to honor her in a way she would have liked. She was always smiling, laughing and loving....so we feel these ways will honor her without making it too sad.  

    Thank you so much again.  Your advice was so comforting.  
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