What wll happen if I call off the wedding?

frightenedwidower · April 2012

It's less than a month from our wedding date. I'm at wits end. I'm seriously considering calling it off. Whatever decision I make, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

My first marriage started out amazingly. We danced together whenever we could. We went hiking, bicycling, canoeing, camping. Life was wonderful. Then, only four years into our marriage, we discovered that she had a disease which was taking its toll. We gave up hiking, bicycling etc. We even had to give up dancing. For the next thirty-two years, I spent a lot of time shuttling her to/from her doctor's appointments and taking care of her. Eventually, I was pushing her around in her wheel chair. Finally, she died in her sleep in our bed beside me. I'm still devastated from losing her.

Now, I've met a new love. We dance together whenever we can. We go hiking, bicycling and walking together frequently. It seemed I was getting a second chance to enjoy life. We've been engaged two years now.

We just got the doctor's report that she has advanced cancer. Statistically, she has less than a 50% chance of surviving five years. Even if she beats the cancer, there will be life-long limitations. I can't stand the thought of losing her. But, worse I can't stand the thought of going through the agony of a dying wife again so soon.

I've made an appointment to see a physiatrist. I'm going to accompany my fiance to her doctor's appointments. But, I will probably call off the wedding.

My question for this forum is: what will the world think of me? I'm a coward. I'm weak. Probably worse. Don't hold back. Let me have it! I'm going to have to learn to live with my decision whatever that is.

mdeidre · April 2012

It sounds like you've had a really rough time and I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to go through that again. One of the things you have to remember is that the vows we take when we get married are "For better or worse, through sickness and health." If you're not able keep your vow to face for worse or in sickness, then you do need to call off the wedding.

I'm really sorry that you are in the position to face this again, but this is one of the risks you take when you open your heart and let someone in. You said that you can't stand the thought of losing her, well with the cancer there's a 50% chance of that, if you leave, it's 100%. Also to consider is that she's counting on you being there. If her needs aren't at least as important to you as your own needs, then you're right to call it off.

xobride · April 2012

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about the things you had to deal with and now appear to be facing yet again. I would be far less concerned with what the world will think of you than what you will think of yourself and how you would feel. Your fears are understandable, but no one really knows what the future holds. Yes, she may pass in 5 years and yes, it may be a grueling time, but if it were me, I would take whatever I could get with the person I love.

It wouldn't be ideal and I would mourn what could have been, but I would try to focus on the positive. The fact that you have someone to love and that loves you back. Someone to laugh with, cry with, live with. What if the diagnosis had come after you were already married, would you divorce her? How do you think she will feel to be facing something as devestating as this and not have the wedding she's been dreaming of?

You say you're going to go with her to her appointments, but to what end? If the issue is watching another woman you love die, then how does that change just because you aren't married to her?

You were ready to spend the rest of your life with her and now that life isn't what you pictured it would be and you're afraid it will be the nightmare it was before, but you don't know any of that for certain. I would gladly take 5 imperfect years with someone I truly loved than spend those same years alone without them in my life at all.

mdeidre · April 2012

XO, you said that much better than I did!

xobride · April 2012

mdeirdre, I was just telling FI that I liked you; we think alike on many things

right1thistime · April 2012

First, my heart breaks for you.
Second, do you plan to leave? Because if you do, then she deserves to know that you will not be there for the good, the bad and the ugly. Cancer sucks big time, so she needs to muster her troops while she has the strength to do syo.
You do not strike me as a person who is under 50. From this point on, do you intend to date only 20 somethings? Because another woman you meet could be healthy for just enough years to lull you into believing you have it safe, and so you marry her, and she gets sick. Will you leave her as well?

Postpone the wedding, because she deserves to marry someone who is prepared (as prepared as one can be) to stand beside her through this.

My advice is to get counseling, for you and for her. She may be feeling pretty guilty for putting you through this. Even if you decide you can handle this, her trust in you may be unalterably broken. ~Donna

ginadog · April 2012

I am so sorry. It is very understandable of your fears this time around, the striking similarities, the all pain at the end. I think it's a very good idea to get into counseling.

I really cannot add anything more than, what if you were the person who had the cancer? Would you want smeone to hold you through it all?

Does she know your fears?

Hugs to you.

right1thistime · April 2012

So as I walked Narragansett town beach today, you were on my mind as was your fiancee.

Let me share a story: My parents were each married previously, and widowed. My dad was 16 years my mother's senior, and he had a son. When my mother agreed to marry him, she made him promise her that he would not die first. She told him that she could never ever again handle the pain of losing her husband. I doubt he actually made that promise, as he was a crusty Yankee - practical and honest. But in her mind he did.

10 years after they got married, they had had 3 children together. But in that year, they buried my father's son. The loss of his son crushed my father. As a little girl, I remember the amazement I felt watching my big, strong dad cry his heart out. I remember his fury at God, followed by his questioning as to what he had done so wrong that God would strip him of every single member of his first family (he and his first wife had lost 2 children in infancy as well). And I remember my mother, very quietly talking with her sister, about how painful this was for both of them. And how it reverberated with the pain from the loss of their spouses. She told her sister about the promise, and she said," How can I ask him to go through it again?"
21 years later, she buried my Dad. She was very sick at the time, with a brain tumor, and I am pretty sure that the pain was blunted by her own sickness. She had surgery & recovered, and mourned him over the next year or so.

Why do I think this story is important to tell you? Because I think that every widower feels like you, that enduring the heart wrenching pain a second time is more than they can bear. And yet, if you are ever going to marry again, or even enter into a long term relationship, you are going to suffer that loss. Maybe you'll be "lucky" and die first. Or maybe fate will twist that knife and take someone you least expect to lose, as happened to my Dad.
If you choose to withdraw from loving people who may die, you will basically run from all sorts of wonderful fulfilling relationships for the rest of your life. You are not a wet behind the ears, fresh faced twenty something who is looking at the world as if you will never lose anyone ever. You, and I, are on the downward slope of life. The people we love most are there with us, and some will preceed us into death.

Basically, you have a choice. You can embrace the love and wonder of the people around you, even if you may hurt when they die. You can cherish every minute with every possible person who will bring joy and pleasure to you. You can give of yourself when people you love need you, and carry the satisfaction of knowing that you made their time better in your heart. OR- you can go hide in a cave somewhere, safe and protected from the pain of losing anyone important. If you choose the latter, death wins my friend. Death will have robbed you not of someone you love, but of love altogether. What will you choose? ~Donna

vexie · April 2012

Frightenedwidow.... I have no words of wisdom for you but needed to reply because your post broke my heart. I married a widower last year and understand completely the pain and fear you are facing. Please just know that you are in my thoughts and I pray that whichever decision you make , you will find peace.

(and from the perspective of a woman who loves a widower... PLEASE discuss this with your fiance too. She is experiencing fear and pain too needs you right now and deserves to know what is in your heart at this time)

God bless you!

Avion22 · April 2012

Frightenedwidow --

My heart also breaks for you. I was widowed at 27 very suddenly, after just under four years of marriage. I was just remaried this weekend to a wonderful man.

I think one thing common to all widows/widowers, regardless of their specific story or circumstance, is that we are all terrified of feeling that pain again. But like donna said, there are never any guarantees in life. My new, darling husband could be diagnosed with cancer in 5 years or 20, or could step off the curb tomorrow and be hit by a bus. Or I could, leaving him a widower. This is just the reality of life. And if any of those happens, we will have loved each other with all our hearts for as long as God lets us share our lives with each other.

I think counseling is a good idea. Depending on your fiance's health and when the wedding is planned, it might be wise to postpone while you get everything sorted out. I know this is scary, but the last thing you want to do is make a rash decision. Give it some time to figure out how you feel.

boaznruth · April 2012

I think loving someone is likely the most courageous act anyone can do. It's terrifying when you actually sit down and go through all the possibilities. There are so many ways that opening up to another human being can leave you hurt and the hurt that happens in a person's heart may be harder to see, but it's so much harder to heal from and cuts so deeply.

But, we're hardwired to need to connect, to need another person there for us, to hold us close and accept us. We're hardwired to crave and need to love and be loved. We have that need so deep inside each of us that we are willing to do things that go completely against logic in order to satisfy it...like trusting another flawed human being. That alone is terrifying. Then add to that all the things that can happen that neither of you can control.

Any one of us or our beloveds could be killed today no matter what our age. We also can never know which of us might have sickness lurking in our bodies, waiting to strike. Yet, we each make the choice to love despite all this because these moments when we are whole and together are worth the pain.

I can't know what you are going through and I can't judge what I would do in your shoes. Still, I have this feeling that you love your fiance and that you're just (justifiably) afraid. The logical part of you is trying to protect the emotional part of you by trying to pull away before you feel that pain again. However, I don't think pulling away is going to spare you from the pain. I think you will only be trading one pain for another as well as denying yourself the comfort of the person you love and being able to comfort her in return.

I don't think you'll walk away, but I do think you could use some extra support now, as could she. You both are strong people undergoing something that would bring anyone to their knees.

Hugs and best wishes to you both. Me, I'd suggest moving the wedding up so that you have the most time together you two can have. Plus, remember, 50/50 is infinitely better odds than the lottery...and people play that every day. There is still a good chance she could fully recover...and you'd regret forever losing her when you didn't have to.

right1thistime · April 2012

Just to add another perspective, I shared your story with my DH yesterday evening. He looked at me like I had three heads, and told me I needed to rethink my view. You see, he watched his father do exactly what you described your life as in your first marriage. He acknowledged that he thinks his father, and you are incredibly brave, honorable and self sacrificing men. He also spoke of the toll those years took on his father, and the suffering that lasted the rest of his life.

He told me that while what I wrote came from my heart, that I had no idea of how terrifying it would be to someone who had walked in those shoes all the years and thinking that a second chance had been had, found instead that they were queued up for an instant replay. His thought is that it is too much to ask a human soul to endure.

Whatever you decide, however this plays out, get some counseling. This struggle is impaling your heart & soul, and you will need help to heal.

Sue-n-Kevin · April 2012

Frightenedwidow, my heart was breaking as I read your post. There are some very thoughtful responses by some very wise women above.

I honestly can't say I can understand your pain. I approach this from a different perspective, as someone who has lost a loved one, but not a partner.

I lost my brother in 1972. He was 12, and died 5 days before my 17th birthday. His death left me an only child. I know the loss of a child is like no other, and watched the overwhelming grief my dad went through. My Mom was wise and understood she still had a child (me) that needed a Mom. My dad was inconsolable for YEARS.

Fast forward to 1987, 15 years after my brother's death. I am a pregnant and single woman of 31. My Mom was ECSTATIC at the news. My dad wanted me to abort my pregnancy. He could not fathom that I could 1) be a successful single mother 2) be good enough that I could keep that child from the harm that befell his son (my brother), and if I were a single parent, that 3) some day I would experience the grief he did and would be equally inconsolable.

But here's what happened: my son (who is now 25 and successful) became the little boy my Dad never got to finish raising. My Dad got to love a little boy again, but he understood the pain of his loss of HIS son, while always present, abated. I also have a daughter, and again, Dad questioned by abilities. She's now 17, graduating from HS this school.

It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of strength and courage to open yourself up. Having the knowledge going in that you will face an arduous journey is not comforting.

But it is not our opinion that matters. It is that of the woman you were going to marry, and yourself. Personally, I think I'd still go through with the wedding. At our age there are very few people we can count on to be there every day for us. My fiance and I lived through a scare a couple of years when the doc found a lump in my breast. Biopsy: Negative. But he shared my fears with me, and we realized at that moment that we had an unusual strength.

Putting your own pre-mature grief aside, does your fiance have other family members to stand by her?

In the end, it really is just a piece of paper. A wedding is a ceremony with legal ramifications. I've lived with men without the benefit of marriage, and am now married. To be frank, to me, there is no difference in the feeling. The difference is/are the legal ramifications. I just don't see it as "all or nothing" as you seem to be wording it. If it's an inconvenient time to proceed with a ceremony, doesn't mean you can't marry later. It also does not mean you have to leave her.

Get the counseling you mentioned. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle.

Best of luck to you and your fiance.

xobride · April 2012

Your decision made me cry. She is so blessed to have you and I will keep you both in my prayers.

squarepeg72 · April 2012

HUGS! It takes great courage to admit your fears and greater courage to face the challage and move ahead. Your FW is a very lucky lady to have you. You will all be in out thoughts and prayers

Outsidethebox13 · April 2012

Thank you for sharing your choice - and I think it was a wonderful one. Best wishes to you both!

What wll happen if I call off the wedding?

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