Wedding Party

Learn from my mistake

In my circle of family and friends, it seems that brides-to-be always ask their wedding party soon after they get engaged. It's normal where I'm from, and it's weird if they don't ask their party right away, and most people will assume that if they haven't been asked a month after the couple gets engaged, that they are not a bridesmaid or groomsman. 

So I followed suit, and asked my wedding party shortly after I got engaged. I have no regrets about 3 / 4 bridesmaids, but I really wish I had thought it a little longer before asking the 4th girl. It's not that she isn't "helping" as I don't need or want my bridesmaids to do anything, but she has been destructive. She is family and I added her trying to be nice and build a relationship, but boy was I wrong. 

She demanded her parents be invited to my small wedding, she has sarcastically told me she's planning on getting pregnant on my wedding day (like I would care), called me cheap, and talked about me behind my back. I really try to avoid drama, so I don't confront her - I just ignore her and go on my merry way :) 

I just wish I had waited. If I waited even a few more months before asking my maids, I would have seen her destructive behaviour and changed my mind.

Don't make the same mistake as me. :) Wait until 6 months out to ask them.

Re: Learn from my mistake

  • I'm sorry you're going through this.

    But your advice is sound!


  • I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this... I think your advice is good about waiting.. although I didn't and things have worked out well for me, I know some people where this is not the case! Don't let her ruin your spirit! It's still going to be a great day
  • I am waiting to ask my fourth Bridesmaid.  Not the same situation but I fear that I will regret it later.  Thanks for your post.  I was wondering if I was wrong to wait  a while longer.
  • Sorry that it's worked out this way :( Thank you for passing this on.

    If it's any consolation, NOTHING on your wedding day can upset you.  Take my word for it, I've lived this: 3 awesome BMs, one who wanted to ruin everything but FAILED because nothing could upset me the day I married my DH.
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  • I wish I had waited. While I didn't end any friendships and demote/replace (I would never do that) I thought about it once or twice to make myself feel better. I had a bm that really tried to make every single thing about HER! Even my wedding ceremony was supposed to be about her.

    I didn't know that you were supposed to wait. I was young when I got engaged (23) and am still young (24) and I think that until you reach a certain age where others are getting married around you, you just assume that you're supposed to ask right away.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_learn-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f187a76d-bfdf-4c28-ad96-05e4a5a00ae4Post:5c885836-0097-4a53-9433-442fa76d1bcf">Re: Learn from my mistake</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't know that you were supposed to wait. I was young when I got engaged (23) and am still young (24) and I think that until you reach a certain age where others are getting married around you, you just assume that you're supposed to ask right away.
    Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

    Stina, this is so true of me - even down to the ages! Luckily I haven't had any problems (and don't foresee any in the next few weeks), but if I'd known more about weddings I would have asked each of them their budgets and made it clear from the beginning that I have an MOH. As it is everyone was fine with the price, and it's not the end of the world if 2 of the BMs find out last-minute that 1 is MOH (because it just hasn't come up in conversation, and I initially said "A and B are the other BMs" instead of "A is the other BM and B is MOH"), but I chalk both of those up to inexperience and excitement.

    OP, thanks for sharing your story - maybe these girls who want to pick BMs 2 years out will actually read this and reconsider.
  • I'm sorry that she's been a PITA...ugh.

    But your advice to wait is good - just read through any of the posts on this board and there are lots of girls who wish they'd waited / had thought more carefully about whom they asked to be int he WP. 

    Just try to focus on how fabulous your wedding day will be because, after all, you'll be married to your fiance at the end of it and celebrating with people who love and support you both. So what if she has a tempter tantrum or behaves like a child...I guarentee you the only person that will reflect poorly upon is her and you'll be so busy enjoying your new husband and the festivities that it won't ruin anything for you. The other BMs / friends can help run interference with this one person, too, if she's being obnoxious.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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