Marriage Prep work

Vickytoria1803 · November 2010

My priest is very difficult to get ahold of and Im getting antsy here. Maybe you girls could help me.

My fiance and I have recently moved to MD and are getting married in NY. To get back to NY it takes about 5 hours so we would rather do the pre-cana classes in the local area and then do all the questions with our priest up in NY. Can we do that - take the pre-cana classes in another state?

Also I was reading the pamplet he gave us at our initial meeting and it said something about NFP - do we actually need to do this?

We arent religious people, FH is jewish but to please the families we are having a priest and rabbi. We would REALLY prefer to not go to any classes but understand that we have to in order for the marriage to be recognized in the church. Thanks!!!

catarntina · November 2010

I just moved to Colorado and I am getting married in Ohio where my family is. I spoke with the priest in Ohio and he said it was not a problem to do pre-cana in the parish in which I am a member. Since I am registered member in Colorado, I needed to meet all of the requirements for the Archdiocese of Denver.

Denver has more strict requirements than the Toledo Diocese (no NFP, no FOCCUS), so I did not have to do any additional work to satisfy Toledo's requirements.

Once I finished the requirements in Colorado, the Deacon mailed all my forms off to the Archdiocese for approval and it then made its way to Toledo and to the priest performing the ceremony. So it's not a big deal, and it happens all the time.

Regarding NFP -- yes. If your diocese requires you to take NFP classes, then you really have to do it to get married in the church.

And... you shouldn't be having a Catholic wedding to please *other* people. When you get married in the church, you have to make promises to raise your children Catholic, etc.

mica178 · November 2010

I definitely know people who did pre-cana or whatever marriage prep locally and had a destination Catholic wedding without problem. Just make sure you fulfill the requirements of the archdiocese in which you will be married.

Ditto catarntina regarding having a partially Catholic wedding to please your parents. If you aren't committed to trying to raise your children as Catholics, mosts priests will decline to marry you as that's part of the Catholic marriage vows. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your family(ies) that you don't consider yourself religious and don't want a Catholic ceremony.

Vickytoria1803 · November 2010

Thanks it makes me feel a little better that we can do it locally. Now if this priest will just return phone calls on the same day I would feel a lot better and can sigh a sigh of relief.

wifeandmommy0609 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-prep-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b17830b-b86c-4a61-b61b-e89ebd501eb8Post:25345528-f13f-4e81-a6de-9f32493a5a63">Re: Marriage Prep work</a>:
[QUOTE]I just moved to Colorado and I am getting married in Ohio where my family is. I spoke with the priest in Ohio and he said it was not a problem to do pre-cana in the parish in which I am a member. Since I am registered member in Colorado, I needed to meet all of the requirements for the Archdiocese of Denver. Denver has more strict requirements than the Toledo Diocese (no NFP, no FOCCUS), so I did not have to do any additional work to satisfy Toledo's requirements. Once I finished the requirements in Colorado, the Deacon mailed all my forms off to the Archdiocese for approval and it then made its way to Toledo and to the priest performing the ceremony. So it's not a big deal, and it happens all the time. Regarding NFP -- yes. If your diocese requires you to take NFP classes, then you really have to do it to get married in the church.<font color="#ff0000"> A</font><font color="#ff0000"><strong>nd... you shouldn't be having a Catholic wedding to please *other* people. When you get married in the church, you have to make promises to raise your children Catholic, etc.</strong></font>
Posted by catarntina[/QUOTE]

I also agree. I live in colorado as well but our church is working with us on the classes ( NFP he is allowing us to do it online) Talk to the church where you will be getting married at and then talk to the church where you will be taking the classes. but yes you have to take all the classes they require you to.

smore154 · November 2010

We are actually doing the online classes. They are offered as one of the options for the marriage prep classes and it works best for us. That may be an option.

Calypso1977 · November 2010

some parishes require NFP classes, others just explain what it is and direct you to classes if you choose to take one.

i would really rethink the religious ceremony if you and your FI arent religious people. you are doing a great disservice to yourselves as well as both the catholic and jewish faiths.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

Definitely ditto what catarntina said about not getting married in the Church just to please family members or what not.

First of all, you are quite a ways out from your wedding, so your priest may not want to even meet with you until you are a bit closer.

And yes, you can do your pre-cana with a different priest in a different state. My husband and I are from Ohio and we live in Georgia. We did all of our marriage prep includin our EE Weekend in GA. Our priest was in contact with the priest back home that married us to make sure he had everything he needed and we had met all of the requirements.

kaitlyn142 · November 2010

Vicky, you aren't alone. I'm doing the exact same thing, except we live in NY and will be getting married in OH. We're going to try to attend mass tomorrow to talk with the priest here about beginning pre-Cana.

Don't worry about the PP. I've heard from other people in this situation that the pre-Cana actually worked out well for them as pre-marital councelling, just ignore the overt Jesus bits.

mica178 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-prep-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b17830b-b86c-4a61-b61b-e89ebd501eb8Post:c5e8636f-3332-4981-8767-c48874abc044">Re: Marriage Prep work</a>:
[QUOTE], just ignore the overt Jesus bits.
Posted by kaitlyn142[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously, if you're advising people to "just ignore the overt Jesus bits," you shouldn't be getting married in a church. </div>

kaitlyn142 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-prep-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b17830b-b86c-4a61-b61b-e89ebd501eb8Post:0253e407-a441-449b-a75e-de0de43a2495">Re: Marriage Prep work</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage Prep work : Seriously, if you're advising people to "just ignore the overt Jesus bits," you shouldn't be getting married in a church.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

And you have no idea why I'm getting married in a church, or what I have had to work through in order to come to this decision. Don't judge, hun. I'm pretty sure that's somewhere in the Bible.

Riss91 · November 2010

I do not believe mica was judging at all. She's simply protecting the Church and faith she believes in from being misused and exploited. She would be judging you if she said "You're a horrible person and you're going to hell if you get married in the church when you don't agree with it". But, whenever a Catholic states any opinion or advice, the first retort is always "Stop judging me". It's not a judgement to express your feeling that a non-believer shouldn't masquerade themselves as a believer and be deceitful for such an important event. The "stop judging" card is way overplayed.

No matter what the reason, if neither the bride nor the groom believe in the Church's teachings, it is dishonest to be married in the Church. The priest is operating under the assumption that you do believe. If one of you do believe, I can understand having a Catholic wedding.

Obviously, everyone is free to make their own choice, but I'd have a hard time standing in front of an altar and receiving a sacrament in a faith I didn't believe in. It would weigh on my conscience to behave in such a fraudulent way.

kaitlyn142 · November 2010

Someone saying "You are doing x. you shouldn't do it because I say it's wrong" is judging. Just because you don't like being told you are judging doesn't mean you aren't. Being told that you are going to hell has no effect on an athiest, since we don't believe in it anyway.

Riss91 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-prep-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b17830b-b86c-4a61-b61b-e89ebd501eb8Post:1e9f0c5b-0340-4727-9fca-6c1499c56c04">Re: Marriage Prep work</a>:
[QUOTE]Someone saying "You are doing x. you shouldn't do it because I say it's wrong" is judging. Just because you don't like being told you are judging doesn't mean you aren't. Being told that you are going to hell has no effect on an athiest, since we don't believe in it anyway. ;)
Posted by kaitlyn142[/QUOTE]

As Catholics, we are called to "judge" actions, however, we are not to judge a person and the state of their soul. So, as a Catholic, we are expected to express concern to a person that is commiting an act that may be damaging to their soul.

mica178 · November 2010

Kaitlyn, if you are an atheist, why are you getting married in a church? Is your FI aware of your beliefs? If you do not believe in God, are you okay with promising to raise your children as Catholics? And is your FI aware that the marriage will not be a sacrament?

We are not judging you, only God can do that. But we can judge your actions. And giving the OP advice to ignore "the Jesus bits" on a Catholic board is judge-worthy on this board.

agapecarrie · November 2010

Telling someone who steals that stealing is wrong is not judging their soul.

Telling someone who commits murder that murder is wrong is not judging their soul.

Why is this so hard to understand?

Riss91 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_marriage-prep-work?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:7b17830b-b86c-4a61-b61b-e89ebd501eb8Post:06fc5c57-f45a-43ab-9705-f2f5a2048ba6">Re: Marriage Prep work</a>:
[QUOTE]Telling someone who steals that stealing is wrong is not judging their soul. Telling someone who commits murder that murder is wrong is not judging their soul. Why is this so hard to understand?
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

I know, it's like a broken record, right? My guess is that pulling out the "stop judging me" card is the easiest way to turn honest, well-intentioned advice into an attack, so as to discredit us and our thoughts.

And it's difficult to be given criticism, even if it's meant to be constructive. Thus, the defense mechanism jumps in....

MopsieB · November 2010

You can definitely do pre cana elsewhere. I am getting married in CO, where I lived for 10 years and where my fiance still lives. We're both Catholic and belong to the same church. However, I recently moved back to Chicago for grad school and we just decided it would be easier to do it here. We already got out of the NFP because we are older (40s) and we did the FOCCUS with our officiant. But I would question your wanting to get married in the Church just to please others. This is your wedding and if getting married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest doesn't mean anything to you, what is the point?

mica178 · November 2010

I'm going to be deliberately vague right now and say that I'm glad that honesty and respect and good manners usually win, even in the secular world. I was bored last night and wandered over to SB and found that even they agree with us on the point of not marrying in the Catholic church unless at least one member of the couple actually believes.

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