Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'

ohwhynot85 · July 2012

Hello ladies!

I'm recently engaged (June 17th) and I'm over the moon. It was a complete surprise. My fiance propsed on our vacation. We went on a cruise to the eastern Caribbean and popped the question on the first night due to the fact that he thought I would find the ring hidden in a sock in the safe

It was the most romantic and personal propsal I could have asked for.

I could use some ideas on how to get over what everyone else wants as far as our wedding goes. We both are so agasinst being the 'center' of attention and can sleep at night knowing we didn't stand in front of 50+ people to exchange our vows. Meanwhile, my grandmother has told my fiance and I that we will regret it in 15 years. I was baffled. We both want to just go away for the weekend with my 6 year old son to exchange our vows and become husband and wife. Has anyone experienced this and do you have any suggestions for me?

Thank you

firsttimersluck · July 2012

The only piece of advice I took when it came to wedding planning was:

If you try to make everyone else happy regarding your wedding, it won't be yours anymore, it'll be everyone else's.

This is about YOU TWO (and your son I suppose

) If people ask and are offended, you just need to let them know that it's not that you two don't have people you love, but that you want it to just be.. you two. A marriage is between YOU TWO (and son) and no one else. Explain that just like everyone else in the world, you want your wedding to fit your personalities.. and that's a private wedding for just you.

There is NOTHING wrong with that, but rather quite beautiful.

There are plenty of times in your life you will get to celebrate big events with your loved ones, so there is nothing wrong with wanting to take this one just for you.

If they don't understand that, IMO they are just being selfish and pissy because they wanted a free party to get to dress up and drink at.

Happy planning, OP!

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

Ditto Firsttimer with one caveat. The type of wedding that you choose is entirely up to you and your FI. The wedding is for you. If you have any type of reception, that is for the guests and their comfort and needs have to go before your wants.

firsttimersluck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-and-wanting-a-private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:5aa78b7d-04fb-48c0-82b8-89d583ba9c36Post:bee42415-691b-4e4b-8f52-bf89e08783bc">Re: Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Firsttimer with one caveat. The type of wedding that you choose is entirely up to you and your FI. The wedding is for you. If you have any type of reception, that is for the guests and their comfort and needs have to go before your wants.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that's the point, though. She's not looking to have a reception.. She's looking just to get away with her Fi and son and make it about them.. [of course, I could be wrong.. that's my impresion] </div><div>
</div><div>Even with the reception, though, you can't please EVERYONE. It's just impossible, unfortunately.. buuut then another wedding season comes and goes, and people forget they are bitter towards yours for someone else's! ;) bahahaha kidding.. (kinda)</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ohwhynot85 · July 2012

We don't plan on having any type of reception....at all. Just a nice dinner with my son after the ceremony. Its so frustrating that family refuses to respect what we want. They all had their days and now its ours. My mother thinks that she is going to be the exception to the rule and be present. If we do that, then his mom would need to be there and it will all snowball from there. My mom is laying the guilt on pretty thick since I'm her only daughter. She had her day.... 3 times to be exact. I'm hoping that everyone will just relax and let us enjoy this time. Sadly I don't see that happening with my family. His side understands where we are coming from and just want our happiness before anything.

Thank you for the advice :

In Response to Re:Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding':[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding':Ditto Firsttimer with one caveat.nbsp; The type of wedding that you choose is entirely up to you and your FI.nbsp; The wedding is for you.nbsp; If you have any type of reception, that isnbsp;for the guests and their comfort and needs have to go before your wants.Posted by GoodLuckBear14I think that's the point, though. She's not looking to have a reception.. She's looking just to get away with her Fi and son and make it about them.. [of course, I could be wrong.. that's my impresion]nbsp;Even with the reception, though, you can't please EVERYONE. It's just impossible, unfortunately.. buuut then another wedding season comes and goes, and people forget they are bitter towards yours for someone else's! ; bahahaha kidding.. kinda Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

firsttimersluck · July 2012

It's sweet that your mom cares about your wedding and I understand that you're her only daughter and to some it's a big deal...

But the fact is, she is beign selfish and making it about her.

For now I would just continually avoid the topic of conversation. if she brings it up, be abrupt in saying, "I don't want to discuss this topic" and if it gets out of hand... You might have to straight up point out that she is being selfish by making YOUR day about HER wants.

Hopefully it doesn't get to that point.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this from family, when you clearly know exactly what you want.

Lisa50 · July 2012

I suggest you start your married life with the wedding (when you marry, it's a "wedding" no matter the circumstances) you and your fiance desire. If that means eloping, go for it!

There will always be someone who has unsolicited opinions about your choices during this process. Thank them for their opinion, nod and then move on.

Good luck!

anssett · July 2012

I don't know you and I don't know your mom but it sounds like it's boundary setting time. If you are clear, kind and honest about what you want, and she doesn't respect it, then you use the tools/weapons you have. (note: I'd say this should be attempted several times in several ways before taking action).

The tools/weapons are that you control the time you and your son spend with her. You grant her access to your wedding, your life, whatever. If she can't respect your desire not to have a reception, maybe she shouldn't be involved in your wedding.

I'm sorry she's being manipulative but you get to be the bigger adult. Being clear, honest, articulate, and kind gives her all the options to rise to the occasion. Good luck.

ejheart · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-and-wanting-a-private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:5aa78b7d-04fb-48c0-82b8-89d583ba9c36Post:e06b1d96-939a-47ce-8dd1-88e0f841509f">Re:Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't plan on having any type of reception....at all. Just a nice dinner with my son after the ceremony. Its so frustrating that family refuses to respect what we want. They all had their days and now its ours. My mother thinks that she is going to be the exception to the rule and be present. If we do that, then his mom would need to be there and it will all snowball from there. My mom is laying the guilt on pretty thick since I'm her only daughter. She had her day.... 3 times to be exact. I'm hoping that everyone will just relax and let us enjoy this time. Sadly I don't see that happening with my family. His side understands where we are coming from and just want our happiness before anything. Thank you for the advice : In Response to Re:Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding':
Posted by ohwhynot85[/QUOTE]

I ditto PP's in that it's your day, and ultimately it's your choice. However (sorry if I'm being too nosy), but is there a reason that you're against having your immediate families, or even just both sets of parents? Yes, it's your wedding and it should be just how you want it, but I can also understand your parents wanting to share in your joy. It would still be incredibly intimate and really, I don't think you would have to let it "snowball" from there. If you only want to invite your and his parents then that's how it will be and people will just have to get over it. I don't think a small family affair would offend anyone in the least.

artchck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engaged-and-wanting-a-private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:5aa78b7d-04fb-48c0-82b8-89d583ba9c36Post:e06b1d96-939a-47ce-8dd1-88e0f841509f">Re:Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't plan on having any type of reception....at all. Just a nice dinner with my son after the ceremony. Its so frustrating that family refuses to respect what we want. They all had their days and now its ours. My mother thinks that she is going to be the exception to the rule and be present. If we do that, then his mom would need to be there and it will all snowball from there. My mom is laying the guilt on pretty thick since I'm her only daughter. She had her day.... 3 times to be exact. I'm hoping that everyone will just relax and let us enjoy this time. Sadly I don't see that happening with my family. His side understands where we are coming from and just want our happiness before anything. Thank you for the advice : In Response to Re:Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding':
Posted by ohwhynot85[/QUOTE]

We decided on a private ceremony. This was due to not wanting to have a big wedding, but we also have immediate family scattered all over the US, family members that would have to be invited, and inflexibility for others regarding the date. So we said...whatever we'll elope and be done with it.

My mother was my main concern. i knew my dad wouldn't care, but my mom...totally different story. I ended up taking my mom to lunch and really explaining what was going to happen and why. She was sad, but understood. However there were compromises made that she would still get to take me shopping for a dress and would even help me get ready. We are hiring a photographer to document the whole day so we can share the event with everyone who wasn't there.

I also agreed to have a dinner later where everyone could celebrate, immediate family and just super close friends (total of 12 people). This is what I found worked for us. Each couple is different and I think that you have to do what is right for you.

Melissa Ione · July 2012

I am in a recent situation. got proposed to June 9th. My advice is to plan it and not tell anyone. Just go. Good luck.

alex531 · September 2012

Check out www. WeddingSalon.com! We produce luxury bridal shows throughout the country and will be having a show in NYC on November 5th, 2012! Its a great way to meet the TOP vendors of the area and get ideas for your upcoming wedding!

Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'

Re: Engaged and wanting a private 'wedding'

Choose Another Board

Search Boards