BM drama....feedback? Has this happened to you?? My feelings are hurt :(

Re: BM drama....feedback? Has this happened to you?? My feelings are hurt :(

• ceglare4

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  I haven't encountered any BM drama yet, thank god, but I feel for ya on this one. I can see why wedddings would bother your friend if she's touchy about being single and would really rather be in a relationship. I'm sure she can't control those feelings much either and would want to distance herself from the situation if possible. PSY 101 there. That being said, I think she's out of line for taking it out on you and making you feel bad for getting married and being excited about it.
  
  Would she not come to your bachelorette party just because she's tired of being single? If so, that is the worst excuse ever IMO. Good friends should be able to set aside their feelings and put on a happy face for their friends if said friends aren't being malicious or intentionally trying to hurt their feelings. It doesn't sound to me like you're purposely rubbing her singlehood in her face. So where do things stand between you guys right now? She said she's hurt and that you're wedding is a downer and you have hurt feelings? Have you talked to her about your feelings at all?

  

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• LADY324

  

  March 2012

  It seems like she is just jealous of you and anyone in a relationship.  Please don't let her get to you.  If she is going to be immature and not come to your wedding then so be it.  She is going to be missing out on all of the fun. 
  
  Luckily I haven't had any BM drama yet.

  

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• k8888

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  ceglare pretty much hit the nail on the head.  It's not your fault that she is single and she shouldn't be taking it out on you.  If she's your friend, she should def put aside her feelings and be happy for you.
  
  Maybe she just requires a little more attention?  Could you guys schedule a dinner date or a phone date and not talking about anything wedding related?  Go to a movie? 
  
  I was in her shoes once when all of my friends were in relationships/engaged and I was the odd one out, and it SUCKED.
  
  Also, if it makes you feel any better I'm having tons of BM issues, between all of the weddings I'm in this year... I'm done trying to make everyone else happy!

  
  
  

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• MeaganR12

  

  March 2012

  Yeah, I actually haven't had any BM drama yet. I'm kind of like your friend in the fact that up until we got engaged I would get annoyed at my friends who were engaged. I didn't like hearing about weddings, talking about them, reading updates every 2.5 seconds on facebook about them. So I never bring the wedding up to other people, I wait for them to talk to me about it if they want to. I think that's a huge reason why there has been zero drama in my circle of friends about it.

  
  

  Is it possible that maybe your friend can't afford to go to your bachelorette party? I don't know if it's a destination party or anything like that in which case she may not be going for personal financial reasons. If you're sure it's not anything like that I think she might be acting a bit selfish, which I'm sure is hurtful. 

  
  

  I think if I were you I would try and reach out to her over the next few weeks about stuff NWR. Try toning down the wedding talk a bit and see if her attitude changes. Sorry you're going through this

  

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• bridetobe71412

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  First of all, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! You shouldn't have to lose sleep over these sorts of things. I don't have much to add by way of advice, except to echo what everyone else has said.
  
  It's not you, it's her. That's not to say that maybe at this particular time you should try to lay low with WR stuff with her. 
  
  That being said, I think she's overreacting and using the bach party as an excuse/ploy because she knows it'll hurt your feelings that she doesn't come. Since she's feeling hurt, she's just trying to reciprocate and hurt you. It's childish and immature, but people do it all the time. In fact, I do this with fiance when we're fighting (which is rare) and I realize that I'm saying/doing stuff just to be hurtful, not because I mean it.  
  
  Thankfully, my BMs have been almost 100% drama free. I actually did have an issue with a non-BM friend who made me feel terrible because she was talking about people who don't give plus-ones (in relation to another wedding she was attending) and I mentioned that any truly single person is getting NOT getting a plus one at our wedding, either. She was like "Wow, you think I'm not capable of finding someone to bring with me?!!" and I had to explain to her that it was not a comment on her ability to find a date, but was rather a function of space/budget constraints. She was pissed at me for like a week, but she got over it. I still feel bad about it when I talk to her, though.
  
  Most people just don't understand weddings/shower/bach parties/getting excited, etc. until they actually go through it.
  
  HUGS!

  

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• Nancy00714 member

  

  March 2012

  I haven't had these particular problems with my BMS.  I think everyone has pretty much said it all.  Who knows what's going on in her head.  But to decide not to go to your bach party over this is ridic. 
  
  If she isn't in a a serious relationship right now why would anyone say that she is going to get married?  And if she feels this way about being in weddings then why say yes? No one should feel obligated to be in a wedding. 
  
   But seriously, don't feel bad about this. She probably is a bit jealous and she even sounds a bit selfish.    Cheer up! 

  

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• penny12986 member

  

  March 2012

  Sometimes, there is more beneath the surface than what a person lets on. Maybe this feeling had been building up with the BM and this comment just set her off. No one's fault but it happens sometimes. I was the single person for a long time within my group of friends and I felt left out when the others were doing coupley things so it can be hard. I love my friends but the thought planning multiple group activities with them in a short period of time was too much for me so that's why I chose not to have a BP. Too much estrogen makes me crazy.

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• BmoreBride311 member

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  I've had similar issues with my sister (MOH). She was single when I got engaged, and she was kind of a brat for a while. She came with me to try on wedding dresses and was so uninterested the whole time, and the only comments she made were negative. She questioned every preference I had (e.g. she didn't understand why I wanted ivory instead of white or why I wanted my hair down, not up).  

  
  

  She is four years older than me, so that may also make it a little weirder to see her little sister get married, I don't really know.I basically have avoided wedding talk with her as much as possible now. There's really not much else you can do in that kind of situation.

  

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• BeachLover2885 member

  

  March 2012

  That really sucks!! I agree with PP about her being jealous and taking her insecurity out on you.  I think it's ridiculous she got offended by your comment to your other friend.  She's not dating anyone seriously, so why would she think she's the next to get married? It wasn't a disrepectful comment at all. I'm sure it's hard on her being single, but that's not your fault. I totally understand you being upset about it, but try to shake it off.  Her day will come and you will support her, so she needs to be supportive of you

  

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• sunshine9779 member

  

  March 2012

  She obviously feels self concious about her own relationship status.  Being unattached can be unnerving for many people since that's not something you can just 'fix' like a diet or bad career.  A relationship takes two people moving toward a common goal.  Many of us have gone through periods of the single life that left us feeling left out.  It sounds like she doesn't want to take it out on you since she accepted your apology.  Maybe you can help her move past that by offering her an out?  You might ask her if she has been a BM in so many weddings if she would prefer to do a reading in yours or to just relax and be a guest to take some of the pressure off (if she's feeling any).
  
  If you do offer her a way to graciously change her involvement in your wedding do it carefully so as not to further hurt her feelings.
  
  In any case, don't let her insecurities deflate your excitement; you're getting married!!!

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• NikkiF731

  

  March 2012

  As usual, I agree with ceglare. ditto exactly that. You apologized for inadvertantly making her sad. That is plenty. Now it is her turn to be a good friend and be there for you.

  

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• moonshine876

  

  March 2012 edited March 2012

  I think she was hurtful to you. You sound like you are being completely considerate (understanding if people can't make your shower) and were making a harmless light hearted comment. I think this is just something that is bothering her, especially if everyone else is getting married/settling down and she feels left out. I understand her reaction but it doesn't make it right. She should be supporting you and happy for you even if things in her life aren't perfect. Maybe you should talk to her in a non-accusatory way about how she made you feel? You would know how she will react, some people wouldn't take it well and some would really take it to heart and think about it.

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• butterflyjumper1

  

  March 2012

  this board is the best.
  
  I think ceglare explained her 100% perfectly.  I wish I could plan a non-wedding related activity with her, but she is about 5 hours away from me, so phone dates and texting marathons are all we really have to go on.  Hopefully she will come to the bachelorette despite her feelings. 
  
  I am just trying to lay low right now. She is one that will take things personally and end up yelling at me/being mad at me if I try to explain that she hurt my feelings.  Hopefully things will get better.
  
  Despite her feelings, I don't think I would ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid. We have been best friends since orientation our freshman week in college, she was the first one to predict that I would marry my fiance, and we have been talking about being in each other's weddings since we were like 19 years old, so it's just too bad that this is happening.
  
  Thanks for the support everyone :-D

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• bridetobe71412

  

  March 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_bm-dramafeedback-has-this-happened-to-you-my-feelings-are-hurt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:99bab746-89e5-4a4e-9b7f-16a6bc5c1215Post:439c9c8e-e416-40e5-99c8-1f982ce7e180">Re: BM drama....feedback? Has this happened to you?? My feelings are hurt :(</a>:
  [QUOTE]Despite her feelings, I don't think I would ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid. We have been best friends since orientation our freshman week in college, she was the first one to predict that I would marry my fiance, and we have been talking about being in each other's weddings since we were like 19 years old, so it's just too bad that this is happening. Thanks for the support everyone :-D
  Posted by butterflyjumper1[/QUOTE]
  
  Good. Please do not ever un-ask someone to be in your bridal party. That's a terrible thing to do unless you're ready to end the friendship.
  
  Hope you're feeling better today!

  

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• Melissa.hylton

  

  March 2012

  OMG DRAMA QUEEN!! She sounds like one of those girls if the attention isnt on her she makes the attention shift to her. She is insecure because she is single. Dont let her emotional baggage affect you. You did NOTHING wrong. 

  

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• natlat86 member

  

  March 2012

  hands down I swear i have the ultimate BM from hell. she thinks its HER wedding, she decided to dye her hair purple, and keep it that way, wants to wear 7 inch hooker go go shoes, she thru a fit over the dresses i picked (when Im the one that has to buy it for her since she is unemployed, she wants her bf (whom i loath to join at the rehearsal dinner) !!!!! ugh... makes me seriously wish we didnt have a bridal party AT ALL!!!!! I love her to death but damn i dont think she realizes how selfish she comes across or knows any wedding etiquett at ALL!!!!

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