AHR, money & family drama

breaness · February 2011

Editing some old posts to remove details regarding drama to protect the innocent (and not so innocent!)

Thanks to the knotties for help as always!

breaness · February 2011

Wow that's long. Sorry!

kaesha · February 2011

Aw, I'm sorry, that sucks. Money and family drama is awful.

Seriously, seriously, I vote for forgetting the AHR all together (we didn't do one). Yes, it's nice to be able to celebrate with friends and family, but it's totally not necessary, nor should you be putting yourself or parents into debt for what is essentially a glorified party. I guess the real question is figuring out how to make your parents comfortable with your refusal of the money (I'd do the same thing in your shoes).

Or rent a tent and heater for your FMIL's backyard? Have the party in the afternoon and just serve tea and pie (October always says pie to me)?

melmac26 · February 2011

I'm so sorry to hear about your dilemma. Family drama over money is definitely something that can divide people. I had to send my dad's sister her invite to a PO Box, that tells you how much communication we have with them :P But I'm sooo sorry to hear about your families troubles.

I agree, no AHR is probably best for all involved. I would approach it out of love & concern for your folks. Just say, it's beyond sweet & wonderful that you love us so much & want to do this for us. But we would feel better if you saved that money to put towards Hawaii or other things....or something like that. If any family members (esp the ones inheiriting the money) have problems with it, say it's just not practical right now. There is no reason to have you go into a marriage surrounded by debt, or for your cash strapped folks (Trust me yours definitely aren't the only ones) to take an even bigger hit over a reception.

sparklegirl84 · February 2011

That's a sticky one...family drama does suck. I'm sorry you're in that situation, sounds so sad. Is there any way you can rent out a cheap communtiy center or park pavillion type place and have family cook up a bunch of the food to save on costs? I know it's not very fancy but you'd still be able to have a celebration at home which would make your dad happy, right?

My dad has offered to pay for a huge chunk of our wedding and i have no idea how he is affording it, we originally we're going to pay for everything ourselves and now with the money he has given us, it kinda created more problems. (family wanted their flights paid for etc). It's all worked out now though, and i'm sure your situation will work out too in the end. Good luck.

jackcody · February 2011

Wow, I'm so sorry. My extended family has definitely had their share of bickering over money (family businesses/inheritance), so you have my deepest empathy. There's no way around it, it sucks!

We told some of our Aussie friends and family that we would have an AHR, but since we've been back, money has been a little tight and we have not heard from or seen almost all of the people we would've invited (his family). So, we decided to nix it. We had our big day, we will send out announcements (very late!) with a website so they can see pictures, and we're open to go out to dinner on a one by one basis with any of them (if they ever contact us). To cut to the chase, I recommend not doing the AHR. If they want to celebrate with you, they can take you out for a drink one Friday night, IMO.

I hope everything works out for you!

breaness · February 2011

Thank you ladies for all of the comments. It's good to know that so many of you aren't doing the AHR, since I never really felt the need to do one until my dad insisted. It's a very stressful time for the family, especially my parents and the last thing I want is to add to that stress.

Thank you!

Tanq&Tonic · February 2011

Nothing beyond the wonderful advice already offered...so sending a *hug* your way.

dianab0237 · February 2011

ugh that sucks! I agree with the ladies and say that an AHR is not necessary right now. Just as much as your dad loves you and wants to do this for you, let him know that you love him more and don't want to put him through more stress. If, say, your grandparents ask why you're not doing one, say that it's not affordable at the moment (and maybe they'll cough up some of that cash). My cousin had her AHR in the community clubhouse and had a potluck style lunch. It was perfect for her laid back elopement in Maui.

arlene654 · March 2011

Im really sorry about everything youre going through....
my suggestion is this....since youve already paid for your airfare and all....
maybe just a cocktail reception or a cake and champane reception to cut costs.
If you havent invited eveyone yet maybe down sizing the guestlist to a small intimate wedding of maybe 20-50 people...only as many as budget allows.
Or maybe having your ceremony on the beach....almost free
and your reception at a resturant.
Lastly i know your wedding is a very special day but i also feel you should only
spend what you truley can afford because being in debt can lead you into trouble.
Just make the most of what you can with the finances that you have.
Its not about the money its more about the commitment and sharing the moment and celebrating it...that doesnt mean it needs to be expensive.

Hope this helps some! Wish you the best!

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