Hands-off mother-in-law?

shelby_louis_2011 · May 2011

Do you have one of those overbearing in-your-face mother-in-laws (yeesh, so many hyphens)? Well, I don't. In fact, she's so hands-off that I practically have to hold a gun to her head just to get her to talk to me. She has no interest in me, the wedding, or what plans her son and I have for our future. Now I know no one is as excited for our wedding and future as we are, but even a small conversation or a question here or there would be nice. It's to the point where I honestly don't know if she will be attending our wedding or if she just won't bother to show up (yes, even after RSVP'ing). I have scoured the internet for hours trying to find train (she hates cars) schedules and hotel accomidations for her because she has not made a single effort to do any of that. Is there anything I can do to show her that I actually do want a good relationship with her? Or do I give up?

[Deleted User] · May 2011

Sounds like my Mom.

I think you have done your part. She knows when the wedding is and now it is up to her to attend or not. It is very nice of you to try to schedule transportation for her, but you need to find out for sure if she is coming. I would hate for you to be out that money if she doesn't attend. I would have your FI talk to her.

cac7777 · May 2011

Wondering if your FMIL might be more interested in the wedding than you think she is? Don't force the wedding issue, but an olive branch or two might not be a bad idea. Weddings are pretty big in scope--maybe she's got some interests that would relate to the planning you're doing? I'd work to find out what she likes and then relate to her on that level. Again, don't force the wedding stuff--it may be that she's the type of person who takes a while to warm up before she'll allow herself to engage in something as personal as wedding planning.

suit10 · May 2011

My MIL is kind of the same. Have you tried to start conversations with her? Maybe opening conversations with her (even if it's every time you see her)will make her open up and start the ball rolling. But I do think you're doing your end on the accomodations stuff. And I also agree with pp on making your FI trying to talk to her.

Good luck with that!

Brandiewine11 · May 2011

Just make an effort to discuss non-wedding things with her when possible. If she wants to show up, she will. She's an adult and can figure out her own transportation, etc unless she's indicated she needs help. Give her the options and let it go. Maybe its not you that she is avoiding...maybe its just the wedding? Some MOG's have been known to think they are losing their son, etc.

KentuckyKate · May 2011

My original thought was "count your blessings," because I have the MIL you described in the first sentence. But reading through your post, I can empathize. If my MIL really took zero interest in me or my wedding to her son, I would take it personally and my feelings would be hurt. I'm not really sure about this one, but I think if I were you, I would probably try to work on developing a personal relationship with her first, and then approach her about wedding stuff after that relationship is strengthened. Maybe she's just not into you (yet).

Krhoy20 · May 2011

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.
I hate to say this and even do this myself, but I have just come to terms that she does not care!!! I don't want to force anything on her and if she doesnt want to be a big part of our day as we would have liked its her loss, not ours. If she doesn't come, maybe that will be a blessing(drama free, dont feel like to have to include her when she didnt want to be included-if that makes sense)

If she wants to be involved then open the door to her otherwise I say(and am doing to my FMIL) let her be her and plan without the help

brilibby4 · May 2011

Some people just really aren't interested in weddings/wedding planning. Have you tried inviting her to lunch? Since she hasn't showed interest in discussing the wedding, I would try to make conversation about other topics instead. How long did you and fi date before becoming engaged?

eviltwin13 · May 2011

My FMIL is pretty hands-off too. She isn't super-close to FI and has two younger children that she's still raising, plus a full time career and a life that doesn't revolve around family. She likes me fine and expresses interest when we see her, but she is very easygoing about the wedding itself and is basically fine with whatever. (Which I love and am thankful for!) Her contribution to the whole thing was gently suggesting to FI that I might make him a good wife someday, and then when he was getting ready to propose, she gave him the idea to present me with a crackerjack box ring so that we could get the real one together.

If she had zero interest in the wedding at all, I might have started to worry that she didn't like me! But then weddings are traditionally more MOB's domain than MOG anyway...

overloaded · May 2011

I know how you feel. My MIL is very hands off. She never did show up to our wedding and my oldest son is graduating high school tomorrow and shes not coming. It still bothers me after 15 years. We see my family at least once a week (they live an hour away) more than we see her (she lives 5 min away). We see her about 5 times a year. I have tried to involve her in Sunday dinners, birthdays, out to dinner, school, and sports funtions for the boys but she just doesnt care.

theluckiest555 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hands-off-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ef179ff-415f-44c3-b837-f65cf38b0c32Post:11e1b534-1015-454f-8b50-d8e1fb5097af">Hands-off mother-in-law?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have one of those overbearing in-your-face mother-in-laws (yeesh, so many hyphens)? Well, I don't. In fact, she's so hands-off that I practically have to hold a gun to her head just to get her to talk to me. <strong>She has no interest in me, the wedding, or what plans her son and I have for our future</strong>. Now I know no one is as excited for our wedding and future as we are, but even a small conversation or a question here or there would be nice. It's to the point where I honestly don't know if she will be attending our wedding or if she just won't bother to show up (yes, even after RSVP'ing). I have scoured the internet for hours trying to find train (she hates cars) schedules and hotel accomidations for her because she has not made a single effort to do any of that. Is there anything I can do to show her that I actually do want a good relationship with her? Or do I give up?
Posted by shelby_louis_2011[/QUOTE]

Yep, I feel your pain. FI's whole family just pretends I'm invisible, so I honestly don't know if they give a rats patoutie about the wedding. Not that I'm a huge fan of them either, but it hurts that they don't even ask about the wedding plans at all. I'm sorry you are going through this though.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" /> It sounds like you are being very accomidating of your FMIL though, good for you.

jmkaiser · May 2011

Sorry but the first thing that came to my mind is be grateful.....I have the exact opposite and I'm currently not on speaking terms with her. BUT what I would suggest is what the other posters said. Speak up, let her know you are looking for more of a relationship and a little more effort. Weddings I think are hard on parts. Some become overbearing and others try to avoid it. It's probably nothing against. you

shelby_louis_2011 · May 2011

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year and a half, and we dated for four years before that. Even before we were engaged I tried so many times to talk to her and I attended as many family functions (at least the ones I was invited to) as possible. When we lived in the same town as them I would get her flower for Mother's Day, make sure I saw her for her birthday (I still call her on it), etc. And if I try to have a conversation with her, wedding related or not, all I get is one word responses that are impossible to carry a conversation with. It very well may be that she simply does not like me, but I wish we had a better relationship. I just don't know what options I have, I want her to be part of our lives and of the lives of her future grandkids, but I can't picture her being there for any of it.

Hands-off mother-in-law?

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