Ugh. Thank you for your support and indulgence. After this, I think I am really done - I went to bed crying and woke up at 5:30 this morn crying again. But now, after this exchange (below), I think I can just move on. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support & advice.
So in this morning's email, I get this from my brother's wife (a very sweet woman and I hate hurting her):
[my name], I now realize why you didn't share much with me about the wedding in Arizona. I even asked one of your sisters if my family was going to be invited. I think it was [a sister]. Whoever it was got it wrong- even saying [their daughter] was going to be included. This is painful, and even more, we obviously shouldn't go to the memorial either. We will get together with your mom ourselves. Rather than looking forward to closer ties, it's all over. [her name]
I wrote this response:
[wife's name],
I don't know what to say. I knew, really knew, that what I was going to do would be painful for you and for [brother], but I had hoped to get a chance to explain. I feel like I was put in a horrible position, with a terrible and unfair decision to make. It felt like, whichever way I chose, somebody would be hurt. There was absolutely NO way to make a decision that wouldn't hurt someone.
I had hoped that I could explain this to [brother] I had hoped that he'd consider what he would advise a friend to do in the same situation. What if a friend came to you and said that she had a dilemma: that there were issues in her family that ran so deep, one of her brothers was uninvited to the last two family weddings. But that, maybe unfortunately for your friend, she loves her brother and has never had anything but a good, affectionate relationship with him and his family. But that, even more unfortunately, the one person whom the family issues had touched the deepest (although there are others - this is NOT just about [sister]), had had a really horrible year, was particularly fragile, and your friend didn't want to put any more pain & anxiety on her shoulders. What would YOU tell her to do? Honestly? My friends and therapist and others advised me that, if I had to err on one side or the other, to ask [brother] not to come.
I do love [brother] and you and [their daughter]. That's why this was so difficult. That's also why, instead of simply not issuing an invitation, I called him and tried to talk to him. I had counted on being able to talk this out. Instead, I was told to go fuuck myself. After reflection, [brother] had more to say: he insulted my fiance (calling him a "fat fuuck" - really, is this 3rd grade?), he lashed out with every vile thing he could think to say about me, and he really crossed the line when he went after my kids.
Who does that? I've been hurt, you've been hurt - do you go after the person's kids? Do you call them "weird, fuucked up kids" in order to lash out some hurt against the person? What kind of a person does that? My 8 year old has more self-control than that, even when she's been hurt by another person.
I am sorry that I hurt [brother] and you. I knew it would happen, I wanted to try to explain and I wanted to try to make it up to you. But instead of getting that chance, [brother] went after my kids - I can take the vicious insults he yelled at me. But no one goes after my children. Now I have my own reasons to not want to see him there. That was vile.
So, yeah, now I'm finished.