Family vs. Old Friends

GunzNRoses213 · February 2012

We are toying / praying over this guest list it is a doozy... We want under 150.. We both have great aunts and uncles which give us another 20 people [if they come] ..But then I have work friends and such as well.. Family that you kinda see every now and then and some you talk to more then others... Or Friends you've kinda lost touch with but you've known your whole life or half your life ... It's very hard..

We looked at a venue yesterday and it was nice but they said no more then 150 and 130 is kinda the most people they've done... So do i cram people and have a few less or go a lil bigger with the venue that I don't care for as much ?

Anyone else have anything like this with big families /extended family and church family ? Also havinga child issue.. If we tally all the kids its about 20 kids.. I know they dont eat much ... But i'm thinking of them being roudy or loud during the ceremony etc.... I have a cousin who I cant say NO kids because she does not have any other family in the are to wacth him so then I feel like I'd be making an exception for a family member but what about the rest ?

I know I did not take my son to other weddings so I could relax and not be disruptive ... That might sound bad but its what I did a few times to keep my sanity ... [ I was also single at the time ]

Sorry this is long ....

RyansBelovedBride · February 2012

Can't really advise you, since you have to make that decisin yourselves, but here's a hug of encouragement and a smile of support.

Alcyone1 · February 2012

DH and I had to deal with a similar situation. Both of us had last names that generally end up in the 3 most common last names, and our families I'm sure help with keeping those names common--my H has 13 aunts and uncles on his dad's side, and each one of them has at least 5 kids! It was really tough coming up with a guest list that everybody could be happy with. Some things that helped us:

~talking with our parents about who they felt simply had to be invited (if it makes a difference to you, my parents were paying for the wedding, so this REALLY had to be done). With DH's family, we had to come out and say to his parents that we could NOT invite the whole family as there would be no room for any of our dear friends.

~one thing that actually helped a lot was the venue's cap. It made it a lot easier to say to parents/nosy friends/whomever that we simply couldn't invite everyone we wanted to and we had to make cuts in various places for both etiquette reasons (can't just invite 6 of DH's aunts and uncles) and for balance (having family AND friends there). It made the venue more of a "bad guy" than us.

~one really good way of figuring out your guest list is to come up with your "dream" list--if you could invite anybody you wanted and the money/venue cap/whatever didn't matter, who would be on the list? Then start making cuts:

   Who simply absolutely HAS to be there? Think: parents, siblings, grandparents, wedding party, dear friends.
     Then, who would you be really sad about receiving a "no" RSVP from? This is not just, "oh, that's sad so-and-so couldn't come--I really like him/her." It's more of a "wow, I always imagined them being there. They can't come to the wedding; maybe we could arrange some sort of visit to make sure we get to see them at some other point."
     Then there's the "have I talked to this person in the last 10 years/5 years/2 years/etc." cut. This cut can be one of the most difficult, as these people may have been very important to you at some point in your life. You are not minimizing the impact these people had on your life; you are simply inviting people you have a current relationship with instead. Sometimes these people would actually be more surprised to be invited to your wedding than if you hadn't (case in point: my hs prom date, who had been a good friend of mine in hs, but whom I hadn't talked to in several years, invited me to his wedding--I was actually confused! Touched, yes, but confused).

I hope this helps! Like I said, it was a difficult process for us, too, but it worked out well for us in the end!

toothpastechica · February 2012

I agree with pp. The church doesn't hold a ton of people so we had to cut about 100 people off our 'dream list'. Honestly unless you are really really close to them I wouldn't even consider inviting great aunts (grandparents yes....grandparents siblings...if you have a significant relationship with them maybe).
We then cut out any friends we havn't spoken to in more then a year, (with a few exceptions but not many) and gave our parents limited amounts of friends they could bring (you can invite five people/couples...choose wisely). We also didn't invite any friends from work/school/church (the wedding is out of town), so that we would not get into the "well if we invite so and so we should really invite so and so). Even with just close family (cousins level) and about 4 friends...we are still over 100 people!

GunzNRoses213 · February 2012

Thank you ... It's rough .. I've moved alot being a pastor's kid and had good relationships with alot of people and people that i work with... I'm tending towards not great aunts and uncles and I feel like my family is giving me the evil eye about it ...

I think Dad is giving us a budget and saying "its your call "... One of the venues is smaller then the other as well that makes it easier to say a number but it dosnt make it easier to make a cut.... I drove all the way to Ohio for someones weddinga few years ago and havnt seen him since....that type of thing... But i somehow dont like not thinking of them being there kinda like you said ... That statement made more sense then anything but then again my sentimental ideas got me to a list of 170...go me right ?

ElisabethJoanne · February 2012

Some people think, "If you haven't seen him in years, do you really want him at your wedding?" My family thinks, "If we haven't seen her in years, clearly it's gonna take a wedding to keep up this relationship." Neither is right or wrong, but it helps to put your attitude into words you can talk about with your parents, fiance, and future in-laws.

I don't know how the churches you grew up in worked or were built. Almost every wedding I attend has lots of little kids. I've seen weddings disrupted by officiants, but not kids. Parents remove disruptive kids or go into the sound-proof cry room. It does make for a totally different vibe, though, and if you don't want that, again, no right/wrong, just different attitudes. You can't make one exception to a "no kids" guest list. You can do "bridal party only" or "out-of-town only" or "family-only," but not "no sitter only."

GunzNRoses213 · February 2012

Well my cousins kid would fall under family ....I said we should make him the ring bearer and then that would default him to able to be there it happend when my son was in a wedding .... My FI just dosnt want the whole kiddy /cuteness factor... I get it but yet I think one lil kid with a pillow would be cute...

And my dad said since I havnt seen them since their wedding then invite them and restart it or if they dont come then close the book ... ? My dad thinks i should because he knows how close I was to these people... My FI has never met them and only heard the stories from when we were kids/teenagers....

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